My husband and I have a (soon to be) 21 year old daughter living at home. She will be entering her Junior year in college in the fall and has her own car which she baught herself and makes regular payments on. While in school full time, she also held down two jobs to pay for her car and add to a savings account. The problem is while she's only working approximately 20 hours per week for the summer, I can NOT ask a single favor or chore from her. Her father and I disagree on many things on this matter and refuses to get involved or take a stand with her. I've told her to move out if she refuses to help and my husband told her she could stay. I'm at a loss as to what to do from not being backed up by him in anything I say to her. She easily knows she's completely free to do just as she pleases no matter what her mother says. I've tried speaking with him about this however he's fearful of her moving out and dropping out of school to aford living on her own. I've been forbidden to tell her to leave. What can a married mother do without the back up of the dad for a single adult child? I NEED the housekeeping help with a severe back problem and no cash to higher anyone.

Tell husband if she does not do it, he can do the housework to help you, and that if he is not going to support you, perhaps her and him may need to move out.

Ok, your not going to like this, but I think you should lighten up. Your daughter has shown some responsibility and I assume she is getting OK grades.

While I think she should be willing to do favors for you and should be expected to perform some household chores I suspect there is a lot more here than you are telling us.

What you might try to do is talk to her father and try to sit down and mediate some agreement to what she's responsible for. But if you can't get that done, I would back off and maybe, if she sees you lightening up, she will be more willing to help.

Pick your battles she is being responsible in trying to do something with her life.
Many kids sit at home being lazy and making messes.
It would be nice if you could at least get her to clean up after herself but it is better not to make waves to where you alienate them against you.
Personally I would leave her messes for her to clean up. As far as her helping you because of your back. If you are wanting her to help you with everyday cleaning that would be there regardless if she were there or not I wouldn't make an issue of.

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Originally Posted by Mary-A-Mom-Of-2

My husband and I have a (soon to be) 21 year old daughter living at home. She will be entering her Junior year in college in the fall and has her own car which she baught herself and makes regular payments on. While in school full time, she also held down two jobs to pay for her car and add to a savings account. The problem is while she's only working approximately 20 hours per week for the summer, I can NOT ask a single favor or chore from her. Her father and I disagree on many things on this matter and refuses to get involved or take a stand with her. I've told her to move out if she refuses to help and my husband told her she could stay. I'm at a loss as to what to do from not being backed up by him in anything I say to her. She easily knows shes completely free to do just as she pleases no matter what her mother says. I've tried speaking with him about this however he's fearful of her moving out and dropping out of school to aford living on her own. I've been forbiden to tell her to leave. What can a married mother do without the back up of the dad for a single adult child? I NEED the housekeeping help with a severe back problem and no cash to higher anyone.

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My husband has offered to help out, however I know with his working responsibilities he's rarely able, and I do understand this. He owns his own business and with the economy being what it is, we are barely afloat financially. Add to this our eldest son now living out of state who we rarely hear from, he is panicked about our daughter moving out and dropping out of sight like her brother who we both fear may now be involved in drugs since he hasn't held a job that we know of in nearly a year.
I know our daughter will eventually move out when she graduates with a teaching degree and we will all be very happy when she is on her own living a happy productive life. So her helping out while she lives here will only be a temporary solution for me anyway. I just feel the strain and pressure of debilitating health and hoped she would simply have a little compassion while living here, not to mention respect for a mother who made sure she was always well taken care of. I just feel very used and let down. It's as if I've outlived my usefulness with both of my adult children, and it hurts.

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Originally Posted by Mary-A-Mom-Of-2

I know our daughter will eventually move out when she graduates with a teaching degree and we will all be very happy when she is on her own living a happy productive life. So her helping out while she lives here will only be a temporary solution for me anyway. I just feel the strain and pressure of debilitating health and hoped she would simply have a little compassion while living here, not to mention respect for a mother who made sure she was always well taken care of. I just feel very used and let down. It's as if I've outlived my usefulness with both of my adult children, and it hurts.

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Have you out and out told your daughter this? No hinting, no hoping she will take notice and help out on her own, but point blank tell her how you feel, what you want, that you need her help. Give her a list of chores that she perhaps chooses 3 from to be responsible for. Many things can be done once a week... you can have your husband help out with some of those since his time is limited.

I'd sit them both down for a family meeting and discuss it to see how the chores can be divided up in terms of how much time they take, how strenuous they are, how often they need to be done, etc. and get everyone onboard with keeping things up. Everyone lives in the house, everyone makes messes, everyone should have a hand in keeping it tidy.

Yes I have told her I need help. I do everything pertaining to maintaining the interior of the home with the one exception of cleaning the floors once per week. That is (for now) the only thing I need done for me. When my husband offered, I told my daughter, (quote)
"I know dad means well, but we both know he doesn't have the time. Since you are not in school for the summer, and have only 20 hours per week of school, I'd like you to do the floors for me once per week. You wouldn't do it just for me, it would be for your dad since he offered to take over."
She said she would, did it once, then decided she couldn't revolve around 'my schedule' the following time when she decided to pull out the vacuum cleaner at night when her father and I were nearly asleep. Of course I told her to stop and do it the following day before she left for work at 3:00. She was only to work a 4 hour shift.
From my perspective, she manipulated the situation to stop doing what she never intended to continue with. Her father knows all about this also. He was there and said not a word. When I tell her my perspective, she simply sits like a stone and says nothing. When I'm finished, she gets up and leaves the room. I ask her if she has anything to say, and she answers, 'what do you want me to say?' To me that means she understands, and simply ignores what she knows I can do nothing about. If what I said made any difference, I'd see it in her attitude and/or behavior, but there hasn't been any change.

Since you have already explained that you need her help, her lack of respect is more of the issue than the lack of helping with chores. Sadly your husband is condoning this. I would still set up a time when you all meet together and lay it out on the table for them both. Let her know she is still expected to do the floors but give her a time limit... they need to be done anytime before Saturday at 6:00 pm for example. She has some flexibility to decide when to do them, you get the floors taken care of.
Maybe if good old dad needed to pitch in more he would change his tune about letting her get away with doing practically nothing. I'd put it to him as well, since he won't back you up in having her help, he will have to pick up the slack. Even if he is working a lot, he can find 20 minutes to put in a load of laundry, fold clothes, run the vacuum, dust, or clean the tub and toilet, etc.. Her being there should not mean more work for you... it should mean less work for you! If nothing else, give her the option of helping around the house, or contributing some of her pay to help hire a cleaning person once a week.

Thank you for your thoughts and suggestions. Upon thinking on this matter for some time, I've come to a decision and thought you may appreciate that I share it with you. My husband asked me not to give her any ultimatums or ask for money while she is a student. He has also offered to do this one chore for me on a weekly basis because of the financial strain (in his view) being greater than the strain on his time. So I've decided to button my lip with both of them, and simply wait and see if he is indeed able to manage it. However, I did tell him that I no longer intended to say a word to him nor her about this matter if this chore is done or not. What I DO intend is per chance 2 weeks go by without being done, I will simply pick up the phone, and pay someone. I refuse to say another word to either of them on the matter. My husband was not pleased to hear me say this, but quickly stopped talking when asked why this would be a problem. If he meant what he said than I wouldn't be hiring anyone.
Please feel free to continue commenting.

My sympathies for you in this situation. The hardest years in my view are those between 16 and 26; I'm somewhat arbitrary about that. But she could be flunking out, not paying her bills, and doing drugs. Why not visit a family counselor, yourself, for a while; then add your husband; see if you can work out a successful plan.

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Originally Posted by Mary-A-Mom-Of-2

Thank you for your thoughts and suggestions. Upon thinking on this matter for some time, I've come to a decision and thought you may appreciate that I share it with you. My husband asked me not to give her any ultimatums or ask for money while she is a student. He has also offered to do this one chore for me on a weekly basis because of the financial strain (in his view) being greater than the strain on his time. So I've decided to button my lip with both of them, and simply wait and see if he is indeed able to manage it. However, I did tell him that I no longer intended to say a word to him nor her about this matter if this chore is done or not. What I DO intend is per chance 2 weeks go by without being done, I will simply pick up the phone, and pay someone. I refuse to say another word to either of them on the matter. My husband was not pleased to hear me say this, but quickly stopped talking when asked why this would be a problem. If he meant what he said than I wouldn't be hiring anyone.
Please feel free to continue commenting.

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Glad you had the discussion with him... I hope he makes good on his agreement... if not, I hope you make good on your decision as well. Perhaps, in a causal way, you could ask her to help here and there... for example: "Sue, could you empty the dishwasher for me when you get home?"... "Sue, can you get the towels out of the dryer while I make dinner?" This way, she contributes and you get some more help, but it is not a prescribed chore... more matter of fact kind of thing. Good luck!

I don't mean to put you down in any way, but it seems to me that you are somewhat of a perfectionist and perhaps a little controlling. What I mean is if the floors don't get scrubbed for 2 weeks in a row, it's not the end of the world. Yes, I think she should be willing to help out at least a little while she is at home, but staying in line with others comments, at least she isn't just sitting around doing nothing. These are her last two years to be "less than independent." Perhaps she is burnt out and needs some time to relax, after going through the last year with school and two jobs. She is trying to be more independent, and maybe it chaps her that she still has to live with all the rules and expectations after years of working so hard to get where she is and being so close to independence. I understand that you are in a tough situation financially, and I don't think it would advance the situation to pay for someone to come and clean the floors to try and get a point across. Is she being inconsiderate? Sure. But this is a time where you need to choose your battles. It's probably doing you more harm mentally/emotionally squabbling about weekly chores than if you let the floors go for a whole month unwashed. In a few months, it won't matter anyway. The next two months could make or break the relationship you have with your daughter. Don't lose sight of that over some dirty floors. Best of luck.