Ask Me Help Desk - After a breakup

After a breakup

So my girlfriend just dumped me saying that she doesn't feel the same anymore. Last month she said she wanted space to figure things out cause things were different. We got back together after 2 weeks. And now a month later she wants to break up. I don't know what to do, she also said that she wants space but wants to keep talking to me and hanging out because she doesn't want to loose me completely because I'm still very special to her. And when I mean keep talking to her, she'll text me like one question, and then bring it out into a conversation then ask if she can call me to talk. I don't know what any of that means. She said right now she doesn't want to date anyone else but doesn't want to try to get back together. She lost feelings for me she said. But in the future she said she'd be open to the idea and would want to try dating again.

I know what I did wrong and it was cause if smothered her, but I want to try and get her back and I don't know how to go about doing so.

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Originally Posted by makinbaconx

So my girlfriend just dumped me saying that she doesnt feel the same anymore.

That's a woman's way of saying you've changed your behavior that she was originally attracted to. You used to be a challenge and now your not creating that "excitement" with in her.

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Originally Posted by makinbaconx

Last month she said she wanted space to figure things out cause things were different. We got back together after 2 weeks.

It sounds like she had not fully "removed" you from her emotional plate. In other words women let themselves down emotionally before they end the relationship. She thought she had, but not fully, so she got back together with you so she could keep you around well she went all the way through with it.

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Originally Posted by makinbaconx

and now a month later she wants to break up.

Exactly my point.

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Originally Posted by makinbaconx

I dont know what to do, she also said that she wants space but wants to keep talking to me and hanging out because she doesnt want to loose me

She is positioning you as a back up plan. She wants to go out with others who are challenging her emotionally but doesn't want to take the plunge should the relationship end, so she wants you to be around for that purpose.

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Originally Posted by makinbaconx

completely because im still very special to her.

You are special in the sense she knows she can keep running back to you.

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Originally Posted by makinbaconx

And when i mean keep talking to her, she'll text me like one question, and then bring it out into a conversation then ask if she can call me to talk. I dont know what any of that means.

It means she wants you to always be available on her terms, not yours.

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Originally Posted by makinbaconx

She said right now she doesnt wanna date anyone else but doesnt wanna try to get back together.

She's lying. If Brad Pitt should up at her door and asked her out she'd jump. What she's really saying is she doesn't want to date you, but she doesn't want you to leave her forever because then she's got to deal with the feelings of loss.

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Originally Posted by makinbaconx

She lost feelings for me she said.

Well I think she's telling you the truth. The feelings you created in her when you first started dating are no longer there. But she also thinks you so available that you will be there anytime she wants.

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Originally Posted by makinbaconx

but in the future she said she'd be open to the idea and would want to try dating again.

Do you see what she's doing? She's leaving the door open for you so you have hope and so she can use that to string you along. If she wants to date you again then let her call you in a few months after you haven't talked to her. In fact, I'd say exactly that, tell her, "when your ready to earn me back shoot me a call and I'll see if I can make some time for you."

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Originally Posted by makinbaconx

i know what I did wrong and it was cause if smothered her, but i wanna try and get her back and i dont know how to go about doing so.

Quit talking to her. You said you smoothered her, I tend to think you gave her everything which means she had no reason do her part in this relationship. Once the challenge is gone, so is she. Now she thinks she can keep you around and talk to you on her terms. She doesn't think you are strong enough to walk away. So prove her wrong. Walk and don't talk to her, and hold her to her words. When she contacts you do not contact back, this was her break up so let her have it.

You know I think your right about one thing and I think it may be the cuase of everything. I have changed, but its just because I've had a bad past 2 months. It wasn't because of us it was because I've been stressed out. And I mean I'm sure distance has something to play with it, we've only see each other 2 times in the past month. Idk what to do, I don't want to walk away from her cause well I love the girl. Things are changing finally for me and I'm reverting back to what I was. Any advice?

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She lost feelings for me she said. But in the future she said she'd be open to the idea and would want to try dating again.

Any female that tells you that, leave her alone. Never look back.

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I have changed, but its just because I've had a bad past 2 months. It wasn't because of us it was because I've been stressed out. And I mean I'm sure distance has something to play with it, we've only see each other 2 times in the past month. Idk what to do, I don't want to walk away from her cause well I love the girl. Things are changing finally for me and I'm reverting back to what I was. Any advice?

Any partner who can't go through the thin with the thick, is not in love with you any way and not worthy of your love so don't waste time and emotion on them.

Save your dignity and self respect from an awful beating, and do no contact her never ever in life.

Not contacting her is kind of harsh don't you think? To be honest she's pretty much the first girlfriend I've had who's actually be honest with me about everything. Including all of this. When she herself gets stressed out she shuts down almost completely, even shuts her close friends out, and her family. None of this started till she started working 45-50 hour work weeks.

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Not contacting her is kind of harsh don't you think?

Not for a guy who is wishing for something that he has been told he can't have. (a relationship) This is all you, full of false hope, and not accepting what she has done,(left the relationship) and you need to see some reality, and stop making excuses. That's what NO CONTACT can do for you.

She's putting you away in a closet until she possibly wants/needs you again... some random time in the future? That's how you see your role in life, some girl's dingy sweater to be used or not used at her whim?

I don't think so. Any girl put me in a drawer would have a surprise NOT waiting for her when she tried to open it again. I'd be long gone and not the least bit open to her ever again.

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Originally Posted by makinbaconx

Not contacting her is kinda harsh dont you think?

You know what I think is not only kind of harsh but just plain insensitive, cruel, and uncaring? Dumping you not once, but twice. In fact bringing you back after she realized she wasn't done being over you so she kept you around another month just to satisfy her own emotions while yours weren't even considered. Now she is playing with those very same emotions and telling you that if you're a good boy maybe you will have a shot at her in the future... of course that will be on her terms which at this point her terms are emotional games a plenty. SHE asked for this break, so give her what SHE asked for.

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Originally Posted by makinbaconx

to be honest shes pretty much the first girlfriend ive had whos actually be honest with me about everything. Including all of this. When she herself gets stressed out she shuts down almost completely, even shuts her close friends out, and her family. None of this started till she started working 45-50 hour work weeks.

I think she is being honest with you, but working 50 hour weeks should in theory help your cause not hurt it. The more she's away from you the more she should be missing you and looking forward to that time you two spend together. She's not doing that, she's dumping you (twice) and keeping you around on her terms with no regard for you. While she may be honest that her feelings have changed towards you, she is completely greedy when it comes to thinking of your feelings in the entire situation.

You've given her everything she's asked for up to this point, so now she wants to see how it is with out you, she's asked for it, so give it to her and let her think about it when you your not hanging on to her emotional games.

Stop talking to her!! Think about what she is really doing? Yes she still cares about you, but no not in that way. How do you feel after you talk to her all this time and then get off the phone and realize... "oh yah, she still doesn't want to be with me". Probably pretty bad... I know I did. She wants to talk to you because she feels sad about the whole thing too, and every time she gets to talk to you she feels better. She's keeping you available to her until she finds someone else... telling you that she is open to the idea of trying down the road is a lie. You can't believe them when they say that they aren't interested in finding someone else... because if they did tell you that they know you wouldn't talk to them any longer.

If you want some proof read my latest question on here... I got told all the same things you are being told and guess what... found out three days ago that she slept with someone over a month ago. You are torturing yourself by constantly being available to her needs.

Not talking to her is not harsh... breaking up with you twice is harsh. Go no contact for your own good and if she decides that she wants to be with you she knows where to find you, and trust me she will let you know.

Really my friend, I can tell you from experience that you are setting yourself up for more pain and heart ache down the road. You are not doing yourself any favors right now.

Read this, maybe my screw up can help you look at this a little better.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...dy-230410.html

All the best

Confusing Ex

So my ex and I broke up about a month ago, and she said afterwards she wanted to be friends. So we continued to talk on a regular basis. We kept talking and she started flirting with me again, she was telling me how she missed seeing me. And then we got on the topic of seeing each other (she lives 1hr 1/2 away from me,but we go to school together 8 months out of the year) so I told her that I'd come see her and we could go kayaking for the day, that was something we were planning on doing before we broke up. She was all for it and excited and took off work. Then about 5-6 days later she tells me her and one of her good friends are starting to see each other. So Me being me, I flipped out at her and we argued about it for 2-3 days going back and forth just to find out, they actually are not dating it just came up in conversation once about why they never tried dating. She told me "it's probably not going to happen because we live too far away and were not sure if it'll work between us". We ended on good terms after arguing and we said we'd try to make things work for the better, but probably be best we don't see each other till school. So now a few days after that, She calls me just to talk to me because she hasn't spoke to me in a few days, and she misses talking to me. When she talked to me she was telling me how she can't wait to get back to school and not have to worry about anything anymore. And then again it came up on the topic of me possibly going down to visit her again. She said she'd like to see me again, so I told her if everything was fine id come down in a week and a half to see her, or she said she'd come up here. She said the only thing that's worrying her is her parents being weird that I'm coming down.

Now My question is , I'm confused by her actions, I don't know what she wants from me anymore. She'll start by saying she just wants to be friends, but then it'll start turning into the fact that she misses seeing me and wants to see me.

Also note, we haven't seen each other in about 2 months.

I'm in a similar situation with my ex now and I think the best thing to do is to give them space to work out how they feel about you... if you feel comfortable with it then answer their calls and see them but only if you feel ready and always try and keep it light, don't talk about the relationship or a possible new relationship (easier said than done sometimes I know, I mess this up alot). Just make sure that you're thinking of your needs and what you want as well... if you want to move on then do so but if you really want to give it another go let her keep contacting you and take it slowly, one day at a time. Hope this helps a little. X

Sorry... forgot to say that I think she does miss you but she's a little unsure as to whether she wants you as a boyfriend or just as a good friend, she needs to work out if she just misses you because you had so much time together or because she loves you. She needs time to work this out so just keep doing what you're doing... providing that it's not causing you any hurt.

Thanks for the response, one of the reasons we broke up is because she was scared of the future between us. She always told me with me she had never been so comfortable with someone before. And when we broke up she said She was scared that I was going to think that this is it were in it for the long haul. And to be honest I never thought that because I know I'm too young but I don't think that something should end just because of a misunderstanding.

She said she lost feelings for me as well and I said things may not be as strong because we haven't seen each other in a while and seeing someone in person does a lot. And when I had mentioned that about a week ago she said she wasn't sure what would happen when she saw me.

I do want to give it another go if it works and I mean we talked about it a week or so ago that we would if it felt right but we were both worried about our friends what they would say. Because my friends would tell me to forget her and her friends would tell her I'm not worth it.

You both need to not worry about what your friends think... if you want to be together you'll find a way and will make it work but it will be hard. And when you do see each other again maybe your feelings for each other will come flooding back... sometimes time apart does make you realise that you want each other, a little space can work wonders. Just hang in there.

Thanks for all your quick responses,

She's a confusing girl and she's stubborn to boot. And when she gets stressed out over things she shuts down completely. And I know this summer has been somewhat tough on her because when she came home she always used to look forward to working but now she absolutely hates her job.

Funny thing is I'm trying to give her space and she just will call me on her own.

If anyone else has more advice I'd like to hear it

You will continue to be in this limbo until you cut off contact and heal from this break up. Go no contact and save yourself from this mind game

Aww darlin', she's playing with your heart... Don't let her do that.

Sit her down (or on the phone, however you choose) and tell her what you're feeling. Tell her that you're confused and that its pulling your emotions every which way... tell her that you can't do that anymore. Do as Rome says, its hard, but it will save your heart.

You deserve better. Don't let her hold you back from your future.

I wish you the best! :)

Ive told her that I feel confused by it. And she said she doesn't know what to do. To me I think she's confused as well and doesn't know what she wants but that's just me.

I feel like maybe I owe it to myself to just try till I can see her on a regular basis again.