Ask Me Help Desk - Unhappy marriage.

Hi, I've never used this site but I'm feeling desperate. I am 23 years old, and have been married almost three years. I dated my husband two weeks before I married him. I have to start by saying he's not a bad guy. He has never hit me or cheated on me, and he's fairly responsible with money. But he puts down everything I care about- my friends, my family, my ideals. He dismisses issues that are important to me. He teases me in ways that are hurtful, and then gets mad at me when I cry. He's very controlling, and wants to know everything all the time. He checks my phone to see what numbers I have, and sometimes he will go behind my back and call my friends and question them. I have never cheated on him, but when we first got together I had a problem about lying about stupid stuff, and he's never trusted me since then. We have had no incidences of me being untruthful in about 2 years. I feel so suffocated, like I have none of the freedoms I had before I met him. I told him I was unhappy, and he blew it off and said I was crazy... he's done this every time I felt like I had a real problem. So I finally said that I didn't think I could be with him, and he did a personality overhaul-- for a little while. The other night I went to a gay bar and stayed out till for a.m. singing karaoke. He was furious at me for being out all night. He said we needed a marriage counselor-- and I think we do, but we can't afford it right now. We have a daughter who is one and a half and I'm scared that she's going to end up screwed because of all the fighting. I want to do what is best for her, but also what is best for me. I don't think I can take much more... I don't want you to tell me to leave/stay, because we all know that is ultimately my choice. What I need to know is, if I stay, how can I cope with a seriously controlling husband and create a happy life from an unhappy one? I'm afraid if no one responds I will feel like there is no way.

You knew he had a problem with insecurities and he was willing to compromise.
I think going out until 4 am was pushing the limit in trying to get him to come around to being more reasonable with you. Next time he eases up on you show more responsibility in your decisions. He is wrong in his behavior and actions but if you want to get anywhere you are going to have to earn his trust. Otherwise maybe it is better you leave him--control is never a good thing. You should not have to earn his trust but that is the way it is with controlling guys.

Quote:

Originally Posted by themountains

Hi... But he puts down everything I care about- my friends, my family, my ideals. He dismisses issues that are important to me. He teases me in ways that are hurtful, and then gets mad at me when I cry. He said we needed a marriage counselor-- and I think we do, but we can't afford it right now. We have a daughter who is one and a half and I'm scared that she's going to end up screwed b/c of all the fighting. I want to do what is best for her, but also what is best for me. I don't think I can take much more... I don't want you to tell me to leave/stay, because we all know that is ultimately my choice. What I need to know is, if I stay, how can I cope with a seriously controlling husband and create a happy life from an unhappy one?

At this point, I don't see how you can not afford a marriage counselor. I don't mean go to the first one you see or hear about. Do some checking in your community for someone with training and a good reputation. Check this: How To Find A Good Marriage Counselor - The Labor of Love Articles
Persuading you to one course or the other is one thing; controlling is something else: The Hidden Dangers Of Trying To Control Your Husband or Wife…

Well, by not being able to afford it I mean literally... the cheapest marriage counselor in the nearby town (there is not a single one where we live) costs 180 a visit, and I only make 350 a week. I bought my husband his dream car in feb. and I'm still paying on that. The only way I even go out is because my brother (who was w/ me while I was at the gay club) takes me out on "Mommy's Night Out" which my husband refuses to attend. I admit I did stay out too late, but I don't go very often so I kind of went overboard. I apologized and talked with him about setting a be home time, but he won't listen yet. The anger is still to fresh in his mind. I do love him... Like I said, he isn't a bad guy. I just want to feel respected.

There are many churches that will help you. You don't have to be a member.
Any marriage is worth saving; it doesn't sound as if you or your husband are willing to call it quits.
Get out the phone book and call some churches and/or their hotlines. You need someone to talk to and someone to pray for you and your family.
Believe and receive.

Actually, not all marriages are worth saving. Even the Catholic Church makes allowances for abuse when one seeks to get an annulment. Their reasoning is that love did not exist at the time of marriage - if abuse exists love does not.

You do not, nor should have to, cope with someone who is abusive and controlling. He is already limiting your life and calling your friends. He is trying to isolate you and has no right to do that. This is only going to get worse over time, till the point you are isolated with no one who knows what is happening.

There is no way to cope with this, and it should not be on your shoulders to do so.

Please leave, for your daughter's sake and yours. If he treats you this way - then how is he going to treat your little girl when she gets older?

Counseling is a lot cheaper than divorce, two rent payments, two electric bills and so on. And there are some pastors who di counseling for free and there are others that do it very cheaply. As well as many religioius couselors that have officers that charge on a sliding scale.

Even amount the non religious if you check with the county health department there should be someone that does it on a fee according to income

Quote:

Originally Posted by SingingNun

Actually, not all marriages are worth saving. Even the Catholic Church makes allowances for abuse when one seeks to get an annulment. Their reasoning is that love did not exist at the time of marriage - if abuse exists love does not.

You do not, nor should have to, cope with someone who is abusive and controlling. He is already limiting your life and calling your friends. He is trying to isolate you and has no right to do that. This is only going to get worse over time, till the point you are isolated with no one who knows what is happening.

There is no way to cope with this, and it should not be on your shoulders to do so.

Please leave, for your daughter's sake and yours. If he treats you this way - then how is he going to treat your little girl when she gets older?

I stand corrected. Not ALL marriages are worth saving. However, I did not interpret this marriage as being an abuse issue as much as it is a Trust issue. I do believe both parties seem to be willing to seek counseling. I do understand that the husband is controlling but possibly this is simply fear of losing his wife and child. Therefore, I do think this marriage is worth saving, and trust can be rebuilt.
If themountains feels like she is in an abusive relationship then by all means leave, but if not please call your local churches or government agencies for affordable/free counseling.

Quote:

Originally Posted by themountains

Hi, I've never used this site but I'm feeling desperate. I am 23 years old, and have been married almost three years. I dated my husband two weeks before I married him. I have to start by saying he's not a bad guy. He has never hit me or cheated on me, and he's fairly responsible with money. But he puts down everything I care about- my friends, my family, my ideals. He dismisses issues that are important to me. He teases me in ways that are hurtful, and then gets mad at me when I cry. He's very controlling, and wants to know everything all the time. He checks my phone to see what numbers I have, and sometimes he will go behind my back and call my friends and question them. I have never cheated on him, but when we first got together I had a problem about lying about stupid stuff, and he's never trusted me since then. We have had no incidences of me being untruthful in about 2 years. I feel so suffocated, like I have none of the freedoms I had before I met him. I told him I was unhappy, and he blew it off and said i was crazy... he's done this every time I felt like I had a real problem. So I finally said that I didn't think I could be with him, and he did a personality overhaul-- for a little while. The other night I went to a gay bar and stayed out till 4 a.m. singing karaoke. He was furious at me for being out all night. He said we needed a marriage counselor-- and I think we do, but we can't afford it right now. We have a daughter who is one and a half and I'm scared that she's going to end up screwed b/c of all the fighting. I want to do what is best for her, but also what is best for me. I don't think I can take much more... I don't want you to tell me to leave/stay, because we all know that is ultimately my choice. What I need to know is, if I stay, how can I cope with a seriously controlling husband and create a happy life from an unhappy one? I'm afraid if no one responds I will feel like there is no way.

When you find the answer, please let me know. Been married 20 years to a controlling husband. But, I am finally standing up to him when he gets mad that I go out with my friends and am there for them. It is sad that guys can have such control over us that we feel like we have to "ask permission to be ourselves" and have a life outside of Him. Personally, I think he is jealous of the fact that I have friends and he doesn't have that many. Be honest with yourself.. I've been divorced once with a small child and it was hard... not my wish.. but had no choice... now I don't want that to happen again even though our son is 17.
I feel your pain... just pray and be there for your child... when they are small, they have to come first.

Quote:

Originally Posted by l12

When you find the answer, please let me know.

Well, while it might be the wrong answer here is our conclusion. Last night we sat down and decided to take of our rings, but not divorce. We are going to still be exclusively seeing each other, while seeing a marriage counselor. While it seems strange, it is symbolic. We have to win each others hearts. If everything goes as planned, with lots of counseling and communication, we will eventually "remarry" (put our wedding bands back on). We sat down and wrote the "Marriage Constitution", with a bill of rights for each partner. As far as going out, I can, but at reasonable times. I hate having a curfew, but it is worth it if we can live happily. He has agreed to stop invading my personal affects, phone, day planner, etc. and to stop calling my friends to investigate. I will not turn my phone off to get some peace, but he will respect my need for time to myself and not call every five minutes with twenty questions. We are trying to compromise. The down side= if it doesn't work, we are filing the papers. Thank you all for your advice.

Quote:

Originally Posted by themountains

Well, while it might be the wrong answer here is our conclusion. Last night we sat down and decided to take of our rings, but not divorce. We are going to still be exclusively seeing each other, while seeing a marriage counselor.

Good effort. Thanks

I am surprised and happy that you have gotten together and worked this out (at least for now) rationally. Having only known someone for 2 weeks, it was hard going into your marriage knowing much about each other. I sure hope that this "dating" experience will work out and you two get married again. He seems very possessive and it sounds like he is just insecure with you. Good luck!

I want to start by saying that I am very sorry for what you are going through right now. You can't make someone change, they have to want to do it on their own. It sounds like he absolutely does not care about your feelings and If he is resistant on seeking some kind of third party to mediate you marriage issues, he probably has no desire to change. Your young and have your whole life ahead of you, leave the dysfunctional relationship, and find someone that makes you happy. My girlfriend has three kids from a previous marriage and she left because of the same issues your are currently having. We get along great and both her and the kids are better off now. Good luck to you and I hope you make the right discission.