Let me tell you the whole story. We have been together for 11 years. Married 7 years, have 4 girls. We have both worked, though one time frame he didn't work and I was the only one working for three years. I don't have any excuses to what I did. But at this time I was having lots of stress at work because I was pregnant and I had tons of work there and I still had to come home and do more work there. And my husband wouldn't really help with much, plus he ignored me all the time. I talked to my husband that I needed him to help me out more and also pay attention to me but he didn't take me seriously. He would just say that I'm to emotional. Well after I had my baby (not right after, like 9 months later) things were still the same at work and at home. I was feeling very much alone, like I had no one to turn to, depressed all the time. I felt disconnected to my husband. Well I ended having sex with a co-worker one time (SMALL DETAILS: He never got to finish because I freaked out and left). Right after I felt horrible and I hated myself for going through with it. I never told my husband because I knew what would happen and I did not want to hurt him. I stopped talking to this guy and just recently my husband just found out (last oct). He was of course very hurt and furious. He would call me names everyday. Things seem to have calmed down a bit. Though every now and then he will say something hurtful out of the blue. I know he still thinks about it. I have done everything he has asked me to. I stay home all day and just wait for him to come home. I show him more love nut iot doesn't seem to be enough. He says he loves me and I love him, he won't go to counseling. I just want him to stop saying hurtful things and I want him to realize that I would never do it again. I know this can't happen over night. Sometimes we have talks and I feel he understands me and he knows I love him. But if we argue he brings it up. Or lets say I get a little jealous of a girl talking to him too much he gets angry and says I've done worse. Am I not allowed to be jealous?

What can I do to improve our relationship?
What can I do?
Any advice please

FROM COSMOPOLITAN...

Six Steps for the Unfaithful Spouse
Your marriage can survive an affair. Healing from infidelity is hard, painful work; both of you must be committed to repairing the damage, rebuilding trust, and reconnecting. On the agenda: The unfaithful spouse must be willing to stop the affair, provide all details honestly and completely, and take the steps necessary to prove his or her trustworthiness. The betrayed spouse must take the job of healing seriously -- by not minimizing or trying to speed up the process and, at times, by setting aside overwhelming anger and despair in order to learn more about what's happened. Stopping secrecy and building a more honest union are the keys.
If you make a commitment to follow these strategies with your whole heart, your marriage has a good chance of surviving the affair -- and emerging stronger on the other side.
1. Promise to stop the affair -- and to stop seeing your lover -- immediately. Agree to sever all contact. This lifts secrecy and creates a sense of safety for the betrayed spouse. Stopping an affair goes beyond no dinner dates or sex. All phone calls, in-person conversations, and quick coffee breaks together must stop. If you work with the person with whom you had an affair, keep your encounters strictly businesslike -- and tell your spouse everything that happens. Avoid private lunch dates and closed-door meetings. It's also important to report any chance meetings with your former lover to your spouse before he or she asks about it. Talk about your conversation. If your former lover contacts you, announce that too.
2. Answer any and all questions.More and more marriage experts agree that couples heal better after an affair if the adulterous spouse supplies all of the information requested by his or her betrayed partner. In one study of 1,083 betrayed husbands and wives, those whose spouses were the most honest felt better emotionally and reconciled more completely, reports affairs expert Peggy Vaughan, author of The Monogamy Myth: A Personal Handbook for Recovering from Affairs, who developed the international Beyond Affairs Network. "I've talked with plenty of people who say with pride that they never talked about the affair," she says. "That's not healing. You need to reach the point where you can talk about it without pain. If you never, ever discuss it, you cannot recover. My own husband had 12 affairs over seven years. I'm convinced the main reason I recovered was his willingness to answer all of my questions." It's counterintuitive -- many spouses (and therapists) think that going over the details will only further upset the aggrieved partner. Truth is, willingness to talk rebuilds trust. The key? Not holding back -- no more secrets. If you leave out details that emerge later, your spouse may feel newly betrayed.

3. Show your spouse empathy, no matter what. The single best indicator of whether a relationship can survive infidelity is how much empathy the unfaithful partner shows when the betrayed spouse gets emotional about the pain caused by the affair, according to infidelity expert Shirley Glass, Ph.D.

4. Keep talking and listening, no matter how long it takes. You can't speed up your spouse's healing process, and you shouldn't ever negate its significance. Be ready to answer questions at any time, even months or years after the affair has ended. And listen to his or her reactions without anger or blame.

5. Take responsibility. Blaming your partner for the affair won't heal your marriage. Showing sincere regret and remorse will. Apologize often and vow to never commit adultery again. It may seem obvious to you that you'll never stray again, but your spouse may have worries, so renew your commitment to your spouse as your one-and-only.

6. Don't expect quick or easy forgiveness. Your partner may be in deep pain or shock. Expect tears, rage, and anger




15 Steps to Surviving an Affair
Follow these steps slowly and carefully to heal your relationship.
By Sarí Harrar and Rita DeMaria, Ph.D.
Nine Steps for the Betrayed Spouse
You want to scream and rail at your partner. You want all the details about the affair. Above all, you want the secrecy to stop. These strategies can help you find what you need to heal, to repair your marriage, and to move forward with your life.


1. Ask lots of questions. At first, you may want all the factual details: How often did you meet? When did you cross the line from friends to lovers? What sexual acts did you share? How many times? Where? How much money did you spend on him or her? Who else knows about your affair? Later, your questions may shift as you think about your partner's emotions, about the reasons he or she was pushed and pulled into the affair, about whether the affair has turned a spotlight on a hidden weakness in your own marriage.

2. Balance your rage with your need for information. You want to scream, cry, and lash out -- but big emotions may prevent your spouse from making the full disclosure that leads to recovery. To get the truth (and form a tighter connection with your spouse), be compassionate about your partner's emotions. "When you get all the facts, you're not obsessed anymore," Vaughan says. "The only way your spouse will be willing to answer is if you can manage not to lash out and attack every time. Spouses who've had affairs are afraid to reveal everything because they're worried it will become a marathon, with a downward spiral of out-of-control emotions." If one of you becomes upset, it's time to stop the discussion for now.

3. Set a time limit on affair talk. Restrict yourselves to 15 to 30 minutes. Don't let the affair take over your lives. Do ask questions as they arise instead of building up resentment and long lists of questions. "Don't let your worries go underground. Keep talking," Vaughan says.

4. Expect curveballs. The spouse who had the affair may become angry or even accuse you of betraying him or her. Keep the focus on the affair itself.

5. Talk about how the affair has affected you. Discuss your doubts, disappointments, feelings of betrayal and abandonment, anger, and sadness. As your partner builds a wall between him- or herself and the former lover, help open a window of intimacy between the two of you. Don't hold back.

6. Don't forgive quickly or easily.You must grapple with your pain and anger first and rebuild trust.

7. Find support. Reconnecting with family and friends, and even finding a support group to join, can help you feel less isolated.

8. Spend time together without talking about the affair. Connect as friends and romantic partners by doing the things you've always enjoyed.

9. Forgive only when you're ready. You'll never forget an affair, but the painful memories will fade with time. Forgiveness allows you to move past the pain and rage and to reconcile with your partner. Take this important step only when you feel ready to let go of your negative feelings, when your partner has been completely honest and has taken steps to rebuild your trust

Thank you very much

I think he's playing you against yourself, like he holds a super trump card and uses it whenever he needs a 'win'. There should be forgiveness and finality; just curious: could you forgive him? My view is you keep your head up, keep moving forward, avail yourself of whatever counseling strategies you need, and if he continues to drag you down, make him leave you and the daughters for,say, three months; let him back in when he shows you he values you and wants to be there for you.

I always forgive him. I'm about forgiveness and I don't hold grudges either. Thanks a lot for your input.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by maliceluvsyou

Let me tell you the whole story. We have been together for 11 years. Married 7 years, have 4 girls. We have both worked, though one time frame he didnt work and I was the only one working for three years. I dont have any excuses to what I did. But at this time I was having lots of stress at work because I was pregnant and I had tons of work there and I still had to come home and do more work there. And my husband wouldnt really help with much, plus he ignored me all the time. I talked to my husband that I needed him to help me out more and also pay attention to me but he didnt take me seriously. He would just say that I'm to emotional. Well after I had my baby (not right after, like 9 months later) things were still the same at work and at home. I was feeling very much alone, like I had no one to turn to, depressed all the time. I felt disconnected to my husband. Well I ended having sex with a co-worker one time (SMALL DETAILS: He never got to finish becuz I freaked out and left). Right after I felt horrible and I hated myself for going through with it. I never told my husband becuz I knew what would happen and I did not want to hurt him. I stopped talking to this guy and just recently my husband just found out (last oct). He was of course very hurt and furious. He would call me names everyday. Things seem to have calmed down a bit. Though every now and then he will say something hurtful out of the blue. I know he still thinks about it. I have done everything he has asked me to. I stay home all day and just wait for him to come home. I show him more love nut iot doesnt seem to be enough. He says he loves me and I love him, he wont go to counseling. I just want him to stop saying hurtful things and I want him to realize that I would never do it again. I know this can't happen over nite. Sometimes we have talks and I feel he understands me and he knows I love him. But if we argue he brings it up. Or lets say I get a lil jealous of a girl talking to him to much he gets angry and says I've done worse. Am I not allowed to be jealous?

What can I do to improve our relationship?
What can I do?
Any advice please

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I know exactly what you are going through because I've went through the same situtation. He is always going to feel that way because he has a lot of emotions going on all at once. Now, since he never had the space to get over it and think things through, he is going to express how he feels everyday. You are being jealous because you know what he can do without you knowing. Because you made a mistake, you have that gulit and protection of him because you know you did it. If he is talking to a woman and there is nothing leading after just a conversation, then there is nothing to worry about. You get jealous because in the back of your mind, you think of what you have done. I know you may not agree with me, but I think what you guys need is some space. Really he needs it the most because he needs to think and express it out. Cheating on your husband is the deepest cut you can ever give a man. I know you want to hold on to him because of course you love him. Sit down with him and talk about it. Let him let out all the emotions and thoughts he has in the back of his mind. It will hurt you and he will say hurtful things but he will feel much better when he lets everything out. Try to talk things through and just guide the marriage slowly. Now I know its better said then done and trust me, this is not a walk in the park. It is going to take time, A lot OF IT. If you really love him like you say, you will ride the roller coaster no matter how sick and crazy its going to make you feel. Hope everything goes well.

Prince 711,

Thank you for your response.
We have talked and talked and I mentioned to him about giving him space to clear his head and to get over it. But he refuses, he wants me here with him, which is fine with me. I just want him to heal. I know it won't be fast, and I'm willing to stay no matter with him as long as he wants me. This is no roller coaster that I'm getting off any time soon.
And yes I do get jealous, I hate to admit that. Sometimes he does it on purpose because he tells me. But I think its only to see I still care. I don't go snoopy or yell at him (well maybe for 5 min then its over).
I tell myself being paranoid is not the way to live your life. So I'm not anymore. If ever decides gets me back (like he says it), that's his choice to make.
When we talked he did say hurtful things and called me horrible names and did unloving things but I listened and took every word. Because I mean it when I say I love him. I was stupid to stray because I know he isn't much of a forgiver (at least not on that subject).
I also don't like it when we have disagreements like when he doesn't its his turn to throw out the garbage he says he will then it stays there the whole. Then I get upset and he says " well why dont you go get some other guy to do it since they are so much better", what do I say to that?
He said something like that last night, it was about him listening to me when I'm talking and he said " why dont you go and get another guy to be with then" and I said " I dont want a guy I want a man and that man is you". He stayed quiet then went to bed. What do you think he felt when I said that?

Thanks again for your response

Threads merged


Well this is going to be a long story so bare with me.
I've been with my husband for 11 years now, we have 4 girls, and we have both done things that are bad. Tho am I sorry for what I have done which is, I cheated on my husband once and he found out 3 years later. Well he has been very abusive since my 1st daughter was born, he went out last year with his friend stayed out all night doing cocaine and getting high and drinking, and he is always mean to me. I mean he can be OK then all of a sudden he says something terrible about me. He says he's sorry for hurting me physically and emotionally, but does it again. Just the other night he got upset because I was texting my female friend which he knows very well. She isn't a bad person, she nice. Well he tried to take my phone away but I ran and hid in my bathroom. He took the door knob off so I leaned against so he couldn't open the door. Well he literally busted the door down. I freaked out and gave him my phone. He read my texts to my friend, I was just telling her how big of an a**hole he was being, And he gets furious because we are talking a about him. I told him I need someone to talk to about how I feel because he won't listen. He smacked me a couple of times and I tried to leave but he calmed down but wouldn't let me leave. I couldn't call the police because he had my phone. It was late so I decided to just stay till tomorrow, oh and I don't know how to drive so I would have to walk to wherever I wanted to go. I didn't want to go in the middle of the night with 4 young girls. I slept in the room alone, he went over to hold me and just be there. I mean I love him, but he won't forgive me and he can't control his anger. I don't feel safe with him when he gets like that. Plus all his name calling or mistreatment is really affecting my mental status. He doesn't understand that, I have been a suicidal person since I was a teenager. I can't do that now because I couldn't leave my girls with him. Hes not bad as a person, but we just don't go together. I tell him to move on and find happiness because it isn't here with me. But he won't because he says he loves me. Its hard to leave because I love him but I love my kids much more. I just don't know where to start. I have no job, no money, no car... where would I go. I mean I can go with my cousin but she is recently trying to find a place because she just left her girlfriend (the friend I was texting) and she needs help too. I know in my heart things aren't going to get better as long as I stay here. I just don't want to hurt him anymore, but I know its time for this to end. He gets mad if I talk to people about our problems but I only just started talking to my family and they don't know he's abusive. I need help getting my mind straight and finding what to do first. Its so hard to do this all on your own, then he goes looks for me and begs me to come back, Then I feel sad for him so I go back... I'm confused. I know what the right thing to do but I just can't seem to do it. What's wrong with me??

I'm going to be as clear as I can possibly be:


YOU NEED TO LEAVE HIM BEFORE HE SERIOUSLY INJURES OR KILLS YOU!!! (AND POSSILBY YOUR KIDS, TOO!)

He's not going to change. This isn't because you cheated on him.

Do you really want your daughters to grow up thinking this is acceptable?

I've been a landlord for about 15 years and I was a social worker before that. I've seen more abused women than I can shake a stick at. There is only one solution to your problem and that is to take your precious children and get away from him. He will do anything and everything to get you back. He'll say he's sorry. He'll say he's never going to do it again. He'll say it's your fault because you cheated on him and you deserve it.

You need to rely on friends, family, or a battered women's shelter to help you now and get away from him. Do it for your kids. If you don't I can almost 100% guarantee you that they'll each grow up to be abused, too.

This is true because my mom was abused by my dad and now look at me. I just need some strong emotional support, sometimes I feel that I am to weak. But I know what I must do. Why am I so loving and why do I always forgive him? Why do I let this happen to me?? WHY? I need help, I'm afraid to tell the people I know what's really happening. My kids deserve better, why am I such a wuss that I just stay? I hate myself for letting it go on for so long. No, I don't want them to think this is OK. I tell them to be strong and not let anyone do this to them. I have to get myself esteem back, I have a strong backbone but sometimes I just don't do anything. Your so right? I just need help...

You do need help, and it's OK to ask for and receive help! Just know going into it that it will be very difficult. HE's going to make it difficult, and there may even be other people who make it difficult, or tell you to work things out, or it may seem like he's getting better. Your kids may hate you at times, for leaving and breaking up your family. Imagine every bad scenario. That way you won't be shocked or caught off guard when it happens, and you'll be pleasantly surprised when things go well.

Start researching everything you can about resources in your area. There's a lot of help out there, but sometime you have to dig a bit to find it. There are hotlines that can direct you to local resources.

I'm sure that there are tons of people on this web site that would support you via the computer. But make sure that you get some support from real, live people, too.

Just keep thinking about your kids, make a plan, and FOLLOW through with it!

Yes, I'm really going to try. I hope I can stay strong and not give in anymore. Thank you

You are in the vicious cycle called abuse. You are raising your daughters to believe that this is the only way to live life. They will grow up and be abused also. This is not what you want I am sure.

You need to get out, get into a shelter, get some help and leave this jerk.

When he tells you he is sorry, or when he tries to cuddle up to you, this is called the honeymoon period of abuse. Yes, there are steps to abuse.

Get out now, while you are still able.

Really? Stages? Tell me please. But why am I such a softy? Why do I let this continue? Am I Dumb?? I guess so huh? I just really need to do something

Yes, there are stages to abuse. The building up phase is when you have to walk on eggshells because his attitude has changed and you are afraid to make him mad. Then there is the anger phase, this is when the abuse is verbal, mental, or physical. After the abuse is the honeymoon phase. This is when he feels remorseful for what he has done.

You are a softy because he has TAUGHT you to be a softy, it's called control. He has taught you that if you do what he says then he will be nice... BUT it doesn't continue.

No, my dear, you are not dumb, you have been manipulated. This is what the abuser is good at.

You are in a vicious cycle and you stay because it is all you know because he has you believing there is nothing else for you except putting up with however he treats you.
You need to find a shelter for abused women and get you and your daughters out of there asap. Don't even look back!

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Why am I so loving and why do I always forgive him? Why do I let this happen to me?? WHY?

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The questions you are asking have some simple answers & some that are more complicated, can take a lot of time to fully figure out. It is human nature to be loving but that doesn't mean that your love should be returned for abuse. Forgiving him is partly because of the love you have for him & partly because you have 4 small kids that you will have to move with you when you've had enough abuse & you're done with being treated so badly. It's very hard to break out of old patterns, it's hard to make life altering changes & it's even harder when you have been manipulated, abused & mistreated as long as you have.

Somewhere you latched on to the idea that love & pain were intertwined, they are not in the way you have been operating. Love can mean pain like when a death happens or when we hurt because someone we care very much about is suffering. That's not the love / pain connection you are living with & shouldn't have to. Look at the user name you picked, Malice Loves You. There can be no malice in true love, they are totally incompatible concepts, as opposite as you can get, like salt & sugar.

There is a lot of things you can do to help yourself & your children get out of the hell you are living in. First, contact your local battered women's shelter so they can start giving you some of the help you need. Second, tell your friends & family that you are not going to be abused anymore & you need to get out of it so they can be supportive of you.

Writing your question is a wonderful first step, congrats to you for taking that courageous first step to the good life you & children deserve which you will not be able to find there.

Hang in there!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by maliceluvsyou

Really? Stages? Tell me please. But why am I such a softy? Why do I let this continue? Am I Dumb???? I guess so huh? I just really need to do something

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You are not DUMB!! You let this continue because you've been led to believe your whole life that this is "normal". You said yourself that you grew up watching your dad abuse your mom. Now you're living it, too. And your abuser has created a situation in which you feel like you aren't worthy of better. BUT YOU ARE! And your daughters ARE!

Have you contacted any shelters or groups or family or friends for help yet?

Please keep us informed, and keep asking questions.

Please leave this man it will not get any better, think of your children. This man is punishing you for something that happenend 3 years ago if he can't completely forgive you then the two of you shouldn't be together. You or your children don't deserve this, they will be happier if they're parents are happier and clearly you aren't. PLEASE make the right choice.

BetrayalBTCamp,

Its so true the things you say... I picked my username so long ago. I thought of it one day long ago because it reminded me of my life. For a long time I believed I didn't deserve better, but I have been thinking of my wonderful girls. And I will not allow them to live this way. I remember when my father would abuse my mother... it was hell. My girls deserve better. He gets upset when I tell him I'm going to leave him. Its not because I want to hurt him, its to keep me and the girls safe.

What do they do in a shelter?
Thanks for all the advice, thank you for keeping my eyes open.