Ask Me Help Desk - Is my boyfriend too consumed with research or is it just me?

It might seem long but please read.
I have this boyfriend of nearly 3 years now who I've been with since I was a junior in high school. Luck was on our side and we both ended up at UCLA for college. He is and has always been a computer science geek who was actually able to pull a position in a research lab at UCLA for about 2 1/2 years now. He is so consumed with his research that he even started to get not so great grades in school. He is a nice guy and seems to be completely loyal. He was so passionate and I really felt like for a long time we were the best of friends and he would call me so much in a given day all the time just to talk to me. In the beginning, I felt like he would be in a hurry to leave his research job in a lab to come and be with me because I was his priority and main interest. But now, I feel like the tables are turned and it almost feels as if he is in a hurry to leave me and go back to his research. Don't get me wrong, he has always been so interested in his research but I still felt like his main interest was always me. Now it feels like as time passed, it's not so much that he became increasingly interested in research but rather that he became less interested in me so as a result, he tends to spend more time on his research if that makes any sense at all. Some days I don't even see him or really hear from him because he's so into the research that he lately happens to be able to do at home anytime he wants so it's not like he's on a schedule where he has to be somewhere at some job starting at a certain time. It's that unflexible. But still, he fails to pay me as much interest as he used to. And whenever he does call me randomly in a day I feel surprised until I realize that he was out with his dad and was maybe waiting at a Walmart bored so he had nothing better to do than to call me. I've tried talking to him about it but it seems like he NEVER gets mad or stirred (for lack of a better word) at me when I act so serious about how uninterested I feel he is. He swears he doesn't understand what I am saying and that he doesn't understand how his actions make me feel meaningless to him. And then right away, he tries to change the subject and act all passionate or something. I mean I just don't get it. I can't even talk to him sometimes. He doesn't really take interest in things I talk to him about or even attempt to try and identify with my issues I have been having with him. It's like I'm all alone with no one who understands when I used to feel like he was the only one who understands. Sadly enough, I don't even feel like we are right for each other. I plan to be a working person in the future, while he plans to be involved in research which is something I can see him bringing home instead of leaving it at work where it should stay. But after all, it is research. Researchers at my school are dedicated to their research and it seems to be the only thing lurking in their minds. And I was fine with it. I myself even felt interested enough in biology to pursue a possible research goal. But being with him has changed my impressions on being in a relationship with someone who is hardcore about research. Also, he tends to only try and hang out whenever he takes a break to watch a show on his computer or something. It feels like he is doing that just to humor me. I feel like I'm just there for the sake of being there and then it is back to work for him coding all this crap or what have you. I mean our hangout time is watching a dumb show for god's sake and not really even talking or anything. He doesn't call me to talk anymore, he only calls me at like 3 am when he is too tired to work and wants to go to sleep, so he'll try to at least say goodnight. But he doesn't even really do that anymore at sometimes. I feel like it will just consume him and it will be the only thing he is really thinking about all the time like he is now. I can't see him cheating on me either, but I feel like it is a real possibility especially if he meets someone with the same mindset and interests as himself. Worst of all, I feel like he even looks down on me because he only seems to have high respect for those in his field and he only seems to want to talk to those in his field only. I just don't get it anymore. I still love him very much but I don't really feel like I am getting the same in return and I don't deserve it. Sometimes, I don't even feel like he respects me. He seems to treat his own mother better than he treats me, and she is an overweight, uneducated woman who works as a clerk at some library who is by the way, pretty two-faced at times, and it seems like he can be more patronizing to me more than anyone else (although I am a hardworking UCLA student). I try to do as much as I can for him as well. But I don't think that nothing I do will ever be enough for him if he is as uninterested as he is and so reluctant to help me out with these issues. I don't even see the point in getting married to anyone at all in the future if it will just turn out to be in this same type of situation, one moment he's interested the next thing I know things get old. I don't see how I could ever possibly be with anyone who won't get bored or tired of me somehow. I am NOT insecure of myself. I just feel what I feel and that is why I am wanting to push away the one person I love and never give another person a chance ever again. I have always had major trust issues, and I have given up any friends I once had just to spend all my time with him, especially since he doesn't have any friends to go out with and he doesn't want any. His nose is in research and only the people he works with. Now, I feel like just going out with friends and forgetting about him. But it sucks because whenever I was out with friends, I always felt like I wanted to be back with him because I am still hoping for the day he will be back to his fun self, the person I knew when he was once interested. Please tell me what I should do. :(

I was an abandoned and neglegted child by my parents. I started living on my own with my younger brother at the age of 15. My family is poor, I absolutely came from nothing so I worked my way up and did everything to buy myself what I didn't have as child. Then in my 20's (still I am) relationships came in. I am not insecure when it comes to comparing myself to others but I realized I fear left behind. I got this amazing BF who used to lavish me with so much love and attention.Im jealous and got this shark-like instict if I don't hear anything from my Bf. He's so sweet and done a lot of sacrifices for me. I hate it when he doesn't text me the whole day and I whine about the decline of his affection at some point. There was a time that he got this problem, he started to act $hitty on me. I broke up with him.We didn't have contact for 2 weeks. I was heartbroken. I pittied myself asking myself what have I done wrong. I was always there for him?! But In the course of NC period I realized my big mistakes:: 1) Because I was a neglected child, I thought the best way to show that you care is being available at all times, But wrong. Being too much available is boring and your taken for granted. 2) I suck a lot of energy and my expectations is too high to a point I got him tired. 3) I need to be busy myself so I won't kill myself thinking about my man's whereabouts.

I am not saying we have an identical background, feelings and personality but I hope my story helped you somehow.

He's going treat his mom better then you because she's his mom. No matter what she said or do, what size she wears, what job she has, she's his mom.

Sometimes peope grow apart, that's natural. Things change everyday and so do people. Maybe he so consume in his research, and satified with that, that in the end he lost you and maybe himself.

It takes two to a relationship work and a whole lots of comprise. Maybe he don't know or want to make it work because if he did he will.

Your was together since high school and now your in college and dreams change. I'ld back off and focus on things I want to do, he would even come around or not. In the end life goes on.

Uve been together for so long and his priorities may have changed now because he needs to prove something with himself. Couples can't stay in honeymoon stage forever. Depending on how bad you feel your treated so its up to you if you will support or leave. If U will stay then say "Honey, you know Im proud of u that ur studying too hard but I feel like im in backburner lately. When will you be most available for a nice long sweet date? Its been so long since thats why."

Oh Gosh, you really thought that it would be all fun and bliss forever. Welcome to the real world. Two choices,

1) Accept he loves what he does and let him do it, finding things to keep you busy and happy on your own.

2) Get someone who can pay you the attention you want.

Your choice.

Comments on this postteezee disagrees: Thank you captain obvious... you are some relationship expert!

Snide remarks aside, as you learn more of this fellow, you will see that he won't change, because he doesn't want to. So as simple, and obvious as it may sound, that's a fact you will have to deal with, and I hope whichever way you chose will be happy for you.

Quote:

I was just looking for some real specific advice on how to open up communication in a relationship.. .

Unfortunately that's not what you wrote, and communication is not your issue at this time, YOU ARE. Recognize that until you get to a place you know exactly what you want, and have a plan to get it, you can only communicate to him how you feel that he isn't as interested in you, as you would like, and you feel like he is ignoring you, unlike when you first met.

I understand that after 3 years you expect more from a man, and have needs to be met, and are at a loss as how to get it from him. We all go through that, and that's why I broke your post down to the two choices I did, So as you weigh the pros, and cons of each in an honest thoughtful way, you'll also figure what you want, and what's best for you. Hope it works, and sorry for the misunderstanding about what you wanted in the way of advice..

That's his interest, his goal and what he wants. On the other hand, what do you want besides him? You seem to have SO much available time for this guy, that it is easy to feel taken for granted. Why not take up something you enjoy doing? Fill up your free time having fun, instead of wondering about your boyfriend too much. You may find that you can settle for the (small) amount of times he calls you etc. because you are busy anyway. DO NOT make this guy your priority. Make yourself your priority and make yourself happy - that is what he is doing for himself and fairplay to him.

If not, then maybe you will decide that you'de rather be without him and find someone who can meet your expectations. It is unlikely that this guy can live up to your wants because that is how he is and you are expecting more than that. So you have to decide whether you can accept this or not.

Teezee, like it or not, overly simplified in presentation or not, Tal is right. Those are the options you have to choose from. It's irritating, but it's true.

The sheer length of your post shows how much you absorb the detail and minutia of your relationship. That's fine. If you learn anything else, learn this: your guy does NOT absorb the minutia of your relationship 1/20th of that degree. Not at all.

You are feeling things way more deeply than he does. After 3 years I am positive you know that already. I am certain it is also one of the things that bothers you.

I, too, will risk stating the obvious. You don't have to change this man. He doesn't NEED changing. He's just fine the way he is. He is ambitious and productive and focused and will most likely do well in his career.

He DOES appear to need to change to make you happy. But that's not going to happen. He's not out here in the "Help Forum" looking for help, you are. He's just fine.

For you to stay with this guy and be happy, you have to do it based on who he is, how he acts, and what interests him... NOT based on what you hope he changes. This is the essence of Tal's first choice. Accept him and build a life of your own next to his, and share your productive lives.

Any other option you pursue will ultimately lead to option #2. If you stay and try to change him, whether you get married or not... eventually it will fall apart and you will be looking for someone else. Tal is right, you can CHOOSE on your own to take care of your needs and look for someone more "relationship-focused" and less career-minded. There are TONS of guys out there like that, some who hate working at all, hehe.

1) Accept him and make a life next to his so you two each have stuff to "share"
2) Move on and find someone more relationship-oriented.

Those really are the only two sane options. Sorry if they're too obvious to be useful.

Quote:

Comments on this post
teezee agrees: yes I have been hearing what I already know... I was hoping that there was another answer asides from the obvious. But clearly, there isn't. Thanks guys.

Try not to be depressed by your own clear thinking. Take this whole thread as a confirmation that you read this situation well and have good instincts about what you have to do. It's always a pain in the butt doing the "right" thing when it means giving up something we want, we all go through that. But you're doing well, analyzing well, taking the time to look for alternates (just in case).

But in the end it's actually a testament to your own good sense.

So, what do you think you're going to opt to do?

I tried talking to him and I basically told him I'm ready to move on and not be in relationships for a while until I can learn what the hell happened in the experience. Also, I'm really not optimistic about being in one. Every relationship I've ever been in sucked somehow so I don't see the point in putting myself through something I know will end up like shiit anyway. It seems like every relationship has similar cliché endings and no relationship is really that special so I'm not going to continue to think that way. I don't understand why I should even need to come to complete strangers for advice and why I need to hear lines out of movies that tell me "how i should and shouldnt act". I'm me for me and there's a reason. If I have to change to "make a relationship work" why should I be in one. I'm happier single where I don't have to follow some strangers advice on how to get someone to treat good for me to be happy. I KNOW what makes me happy. And unfortunately, I don't think ill ever find that in the sense that I want it in, so I don't think relationships are for me if that is the case because I obviuosly haven't found anyone is deserving enough to handle someone like me and take me for what I am worth. I don't care about peoples judgments on "what makes a healthy relationship". I think it is already a problem enough that society sets so many social rules to begin with.

Well, I understand you're not real pleased right now, so I won't debate all that pessimism you tossed out there, it's understandable.

But I will respond (and risk another cliche) to one thing you said:

Quote:

every relationship I've ever been in sucked somehow so I don't see the point in putting myself through something I know will end up like shiit anyway

Life is all about the big experiment. I mean stuff just HAS to be tried. Just because something you want hasn't materialized yet is NOT a reason to give up on it, not at all. Your desires are real, the relationships each are "experiments" too, and yes, most of these will be failed experiments. All but the last one, right? You haven't reached that "last" one yet, that's all.

Thomas Edison wanted to create a better light bulb and spent years painstakingly and frustratingly testing literally THOUSANDS of different filaments until he got it right. The experiment took time and effort and involved many people traveling all over the world. But the end goal made it all worth it.

The whole "love thing" truly is the same thing. It is a noble beast worth taming, and once you finally attain it, you'll look back on all the failed experiments in your dating career with pride. Each one taught you more, made you wiser, equipped you better for the next chapter and next try. Perserverence to the goal virtually guarantees success.

I understand you're down right now, and that's part of the cycle, too. What "society" does or does not do with it's rules is irrelevant. All that matters is what TeeZee does or doesn't do with her life's hard-won knowledge.

I have confidence in you and your eventual success. Clichéd as that may sound, it is nonetheless true.

Quote:

I KNOW what makes me happy. And unfortunately, I don't think ill ever find that in the sense that I want it in, so I don't think relationships are for me if that is the case because I obviuosly haven't found anyone is deserving enough to handle someone like me and take me for what I am worth.

We must be related, I felt the same way after I broke up with the partner I really wanted to marry. Way back when. Yeah it sucked at first, until I got over it, and start having a blast being single.

PS, There are endless possibilities out there, after you heal, and if this one is over.

I think that I understand what you are saying JB, but I just hate to think of relationships as experiments. If I begin to look at it like that more, it would be hard for me to take the situation seriously and probably unfair to that person. But overall, I don't mind thinking of past relationships as experimental as it helps to alleviate the upset. Although in my mind, I really do see it as more than just experimental, but it still helps to use it as an excuse... Talaniman I'm glad you finally think I'm saying SOMETHING that you can relate to other than the fact that I am being unrealistic about love (just kidding!).
a
Well he tried to talk and to me and well... we talked. It seems like he keeps saying he cares but its odd because I don't even really feel sincerity in it. But let me say he's never been one to go all crazy out and emotional ever. But its still weird to think that me trying to leave hasn't brought up too much of a stir. He convinced me to just hang out and talk about what has happened a little more because he seems "confused" of course, nothing I wouldn't have expected. I'm not blaming him for anything I just wish that somewhere in his smart brain there would be some working neurons firing action potentials at the point where I was trying to help him understand the explanations he wanted; the SAME old explanations I used to give him and I mean the same talks we used to have when I tried so desperately to get him to at least listen. The only difference this time is that I was calling it quits and so he was forced to attempt the art of listening which he never cared to try before as you know he immediately changes the subject when I am almost about to cry just talking to him about how I feel. Its like "oh shes about to cry lets change the subject to how funny it was that his research colleagues did blah blah blah". Communication is definitely the issue I have with him. And you know what he said to me weeks go? He said that "lack of communication is the root of all problems". I was in shock because he would be one to talk. I had to remind him about what he said and how he ironically doesn't apply it to real life and I was hoping he could tell me why. He had no response. 2 summers ago he was completely wrapped in his work I hardly saw him. But I was still very happy whenever I had the chance out of his busy schedule to get to see him. BUT this is the part where I started to get concerned (sorry to somewhat reiterate): I told him that as time progressed, I felt like his passion started to build a wall around everything else in his life and I wanted to know if it was just me (as in he's just less interested in me) or if his work was really consuming him or BOTH!? I told him I would never want to take him away from what he loved doing and I was so proud of him for the first year of his work but at the same time, I started to feel like it was taking him away from me over the years which was really how I was feeling I tried so hard to fight those feelings. Yeah sure I'm a passionate person and sure I just want someone to want me as much as I want them but I can't change who I am. I can't intentionally play games to "dumb" down my feelings. I know trying to be too available would make him take me for granted but I'm not thinking of what if's and comparing him to how other guys treat "available girls" and I just wanted to do what I wanted to do. I didn't force myself on him or throw myself at him but whenever he called, whenever he said he needed me, I was right there and never told myself id wait 10 seconds to answer the phone so I don't seem to available, I just couldn't wait to hear his voice. All of these things I let him know one way or another when we hung out. He admitted he couldn't live without me and really likes being with me but I wasn't too convinced at the statement. Of course he can live without me , as time heals all wounds. But I just wanted to hear something real like I don't want you to go because I really love you or I am willing to do whatever it takes to help you. I mean we've been together for 3 freaking years can't he say more than just "i can't see myself living without you because i like being around you"? It didn't even sound too convincing. It was like I was talking to someone I didn't even know. I was just waiting for him to TALK, to COMMUNICATE and to help me understand why things are happening. FINALLY, I was at least able to get him to say that he admits he's been wrapped up in his work and that he doesn't want to be mean but that he feels like these college years need to be spent working towards academic goals and asked if we can just dumb down our relationship until maybe after college. But AT THE SAME TIME, he wants to try and spend more time with me. I just hated the response mostly because in his tiny brain, he thinks I think he's just not spending enough time with me when really I just want him to COMMUNICATE. I don't want him to communicate today and then go back to how it was tomorrow and forget it ever happened like he tends to do. I want him to want to be with me I don't want him to feel obligated like he's making it out to sound.

Another thing I told him that was the difference between me and him is that I appreciate more than just my major and my future profession, I also feel as if there's so much more to the world that makes it go round, whereas he only sees that computer science is the ONLY important thing running the universe. He admitted this as well and that he really doesn't think anything else is as important. He can have his opinion and all and that's fine, but how can I live life with someone like that? He fails to see that there are so many great things to enjoy in life. He tells me I'm weird for sitting for 4 hours straight just relaxing and doing nothing when he HAS to be doing something. I just wish he learned to enjoy the simple things, and it seems like I'm not enough to entertain him. I am the type of person to travel and to explore new things and think about new things, whereas he's the type to go on a cruise and bring his laptop hoping there's internet on board so that he can email his colleagues about updates to projects. (he's done it before). I mean I can't believe how anyone could be so stupid as he is and careless. I can't force him to enjoy things with me without having to think about coding in the back of his mind so why the hell should I try? He said that he would love to go travelling and get away from work but his actions have proved otherwise. He said if he had a job he hated, he'd still come home from work and do the hobby that he loves which is computer science, which I think is great but not to the extent that its become. I mean I've grown to absolutely hate the field I once respected, only because I felt like its stolen something so important from me. He thinks that the future will get better for us when he is less busy with college, but I think he is using college as an excuse. He would still be engrossed in his hobby to an extreme extent and we would still have the same situation. This is what I told him. But he keeps saying no I don't think so as unconvincingly as ever. He still tried to act very caring but I feel that it will probably change the next day after he's forgotten about it which he for sure will forget.

Sorry this is so long, if anyone decides to read this then feel free to voice your opinions if you want to

You two sound like water and oil, and I will be honest if after two years you have not communicated enough to know how to work together all you will have is confusion and resentments.

I read a lot of posts and that 2-3 year mark is a telling time, that either cements a bond, or breaks it.

Maybe if you can take some time for yourself, and see what your about without him.