Ever since my daughter's father got re-married, things have changed between us as parents and is causing huge problems. I really need some advise with what the step mom's rights are and what my rights are as mother. We both have joint custody and has worked fine up until he got married. Now the father consults her when it comes to decision making about our daughter and I get totally excluded. I do not agree on this, and he feels that this is right because he is now re- married. For stability for our daughter we have decided that she goes to live with him as he is a practicing Christian (I am not practicing) and she attends his church school, which at the time was appropriate. I see her on weekends and it suited us fine as it was for her benefit. The father and new wife now took full liberty and feels I don't need to have a say with any matters concerning my daughter. I think that as long as I have joint custody I have full right and the step mom's roll only comes into place if I am not around or not capable.
Joint custody as I understand is joint decision making for both the father and mother, -being re-married should not change this. How do I handle this situation, is it right for the father to ignore the fact that I have a say and not the new wife, and should be consulting me? I really need some advice.

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Originally Posted by arlenecav

Ever since my daughter's father got re-married, things have changed between us as parents and is causing huge problems. i really need some advise with what the step mom's rights are and what my rights are as mother. we both have joint custody and has worked fine up until he got married. Now the father consults her when it comes to decision making about our daughter and i get totally excluded. i do not agree on this, and he feels that this is right because he is now re- married. for stability for our daughter we have decided that she goes to live with him as he is a practicing Christian (i am not practicing) and she attends his church school, which at the time was appropriate. i see her on weekends and it suited us fine as it was for her benefit. the father and new wife now took full liberty and feels i don't need to have a say with any matters concerning my daughter. i think that as long as i have joint custody i have full right and the step mom's roll only comes into place if i am not around or not capable.
Joint custody as i understand is joint decision making for both the father and mother, -being re-married should not change this. how do i handle this situation, is it right for the father to ignore the fact that i have a say and not the new wife, and should be consulting me? i really need some advice.

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You need to talk to the father - his wife has no legal standing - and tell me how you feel, what you perceive the situation to be. Legally unless it's a blatant disregard of the Court's Order I don't think you have a case here - if you are asking legally.

Your other choice might be to move to obtain full custody but I don't know if that's in the best interest of the child.

Why do you think the decisions are being made jointly with the "new" wife and not solely by your ex-husband?

There is no way a child of divorced parents can fulfill every expectation of 'four' parents. I would get into some family counseling about this and get the groundrules set so that you can support this child during these years, rather than have her in the middle of a war.

And I would assume that the husband is going to consult his new wife about decisions regarding the child, the same way that the mother would consult with a new husband before making decisions. Decisions that affect the child affect the family that the child lives with, after all.

On the other hand, he should be consulting with you about the same kinds of decisions that he used to.

I don't feel that I have to take a back seat as the mother just because the father wants to put his wife first. I have no problem with the new wife, I only have a problem when they ignore my roll as the mother, and that we have joint custody.

I was told by the father that he will consult he's wife first with regards to anything concerning our daughter, thereafter me. I don't think that that is right, decision making affecting our daughter should be our decision not his and hers, and then they will enlighten me about choices they have made.

I also have no issue with changing the way things are, I just think that the both of them are very much not respecting my thoughts/feelings and the fact that I am her mother. Divorce/custody battle was a long hard fight between the father and I, and we only last year became friends again until he got re-married, the wheels fell off... why must things become all upset again that has been working well for a short while - just because the new wife enters suddenly - I for one would never disregard anyone no matter whom they are, I expect the same from this lady.

So, I really just needed some advise, I am sure I am not the only mother feeling like this, why must I step back and give up my duties as a mother just because he got remarried. I would hate my daughter thinking I just threw in the towel one day when she fully understands this all.

Well unless you want to go back to court to petition the judge for her to live with you and spend the weekends with him you really have nothing else you can do other than talk to him about your feelings. It would be silly if he had to call everyday about every homework assignment and field trip. The fact is that she spends the majority of time with him therefore he will be making the majority of decisions until it comes to something bigger like ging to the hospital for an extended stay or switching schools or something. Sor really the best advice you are going to get is to talk to him about how you feel and see if that will help because at this point you don't have a case. (unless you are leaving something out about the situation)

You posted this question in the Family Law forum, so I will first answer according to the law. The law DOES define joint legal custody as each parent having an EQUAL say in the rearing of the child.

That being the case, if he is ignoring your wishes or not consulting you on these decisions, then you would have to go back to Family Court and show them where he is not allowing you your full joint custodial rights. The problem is, that may be difficult to prove and you will need to show specific and significant decisions that were made without your input. Things like switching schools, having her tonsils out, letting her get her ears pierced, etc.

That's the legal part now for my own personal opinions. Its perfectly natural for him to consult his wife first on such decisions. After all she's on hand. I wouldn't make an issue of that. I would only make an issue if you weren't consulted as well. Tell him that you understand his consulting with her, but that no, non-emergency, decision should be made without consulting you as well. And if you can't agree on the course of action to take, you may need family counseling.

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Originally Posted by arlenecav

I dont feel that i have to take a back seat as the mother just because the father wants to put his wife first. I have no problem with the new wife, i only have a problem when they ignore my roll as the mother, and that we have joint custody.

i was told by the father that he will consult he's wife first with regards to anything concerning our daughter, thereafter me. I dont think that that is right, decision making affecting our daughter should be our decision not his and hers, and then they will enlighten me about choices they have made.

i also have no issue with changing the way things are, i just think that the both of them are very much not respecting my thoughts/feelings and the fact that i am her mother. divorce/custody battle was a long hard fight between the father and i, and we only last year became friends again until he got re-married, the wheels fell off... why must things become all upset again that has been working well for a short while - just because the new wife enters suddenly - i for one would never disregard anyone no matter whom they are, i expect the same from this lady.

so, i really just needed some advise, i am sure i am not the only mother feeling like this, why must i step back and give up my duties as a mother just because he got remarried. i would hate my daughter thinking i just threw in the towel one day when she fully understands this all.

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I'm a stepmother so I'm on the other side of this (I guess). My husband often talked to me about his children - I don't know if "consulted" is the word - before he spoke to his ex-wife, their mother. Some talking/consulting was by virtue of living together - we talked about a lot of things on a daily basis; some of it was to see if plans he was making actually fit into our schedule ("The girls would like to go to X on Saturday; do we have any plans?"); some of it was because our life didn't involve just him/his children/his ex-wife; I was part of that life, too. And, yes, when there was a decision to be made he often asked me for my input.

And, yes, his ex-wife was resentful, I'm sure. I met him some years after he divorced her so I was not part of that package - I've never been sure where the resentment came from.

Maybe your ex is taking this to a higher level and cutting you out of the decision making completely; if so, go back to Court with specifics and get some ground rules laid down.

My concern with any situation like this is the effect on the children - my husband's "ex" used to literally cross examine them on the "who said what" issue every time they went "home" after a visit and it was very, very difficult for them and they were also very conflicted about their loyalties.

What kinds of things are they not consulting you about? Is it that you don't agree with decisions or that you don't like that he is talking to her first and you second?

I would always assume that he and his wife make their "family decisions" together and if your daughter is there for most of the week then she plays a big part of what's going on in their home and in their lives. If something major is going on then they will most likely talk about it together and then go to you about what they came up with. I believe that is normal.

If they do do things that you don't agree with, you tell them you don't agree and its done anyway, then you will need to take them back to court. Again I think that it depends on what they are doing that you don't agree as to how you handle it.

I agreed for our daughter to go to the fathers church school for many beneficial reasons because of this, one of the sacrifices I had to make was for her not to live with me, (as the school is not near me at all) myself and the father together with child pshycologist had meetings about this. The psycologist made it very clear that because we are both very active parents in our daughters life, it should stay like that, as our daughter showed no sign of which parent she would rather live with, she was very much equally happy with us both. The psycologist thought it great to have her have a good stable christian life, which she would get at school and obviously the fathers house because he is a active christian. I obviously had great issues with this as the psycologist was appointed by the church and I felt it was discriminating against me and my husband as we are not active christians.
I have spoken to both of them on many occasions telling them how I feel.
By all the replies I have had so far, it is clear that I don't have a foot to stand on, unless I take court actions which is really not what I want to do. I grew up with a step father and fully understand what it is like, I have never had problems with knowing that these step people (if I can call them that) would in most cases have the children's good interests at heart, so did my dad and I am sure my daughter's step mom, but she is leaving a bad taste in my mouth as she disregards my thoughts and feelings and decisions.
I made a choice that is not a nice one, gave up full time mom to be weekend mom - solely for the interest of my daughter - only if you are a mother will you understand that - this step mom does not have kids and won't understand that either.
If I was in her shoes and the real mom is active and very much alive - I would respect that - step parents aren't always the victims surely even though we all think so.
Thanks for all the advise I really appreciate.

Arlene, did you mean to say, "...as the psychologist was appointed by the church..."? I wanted to read, "court". Thanks for the additional information. How long since you met with the psychologist? Would you refer a friend to this psychologist if he or she were needing similar help?

Yes that is what I meant sorry for my writing- we met about 6 months ago... I wouldn't refer this psychologist to anyone at all. I should have gone with a psychologist not referred by the church - as I think I might have stood a fair chance.

Have you thought about locating another one? Someone to serve as a mediator or ombudsman for you daughter, who can help lay-out some groundrules for those important decisions? By the way, how old is you daughter? And, are there other kids involved?

My parents are divorced and remarried, and one way they confronted this problem is anything major, they, the two parents will make the decision together. Anything minor, but affecting both of them, they will call and talk about, or at least let the other one know what's going on, and minor things that are neither here nor there, they make the decision without consulting each other. For example, if the father wanted to change schools, he would call and you two would make the decision together. If the daughter was going to get a pet hamster, the father would call and let you know, and if you had a problem with her taking it to your house, you would request that it stay over at his house. If daughter is going to sleep over at Jenny's Friday and you need to pick her up from there, he calls and lets you know. If step mom is buying her a new shirt for school, she just does it, no need to call. Maybe something like this can be worked out. That way you can be involved in all the important decisions and the step mom can be involved in the ones that directly involve her. The way we were brought up with step parents is anything that was more than daily decisions (like punishment, new cell phone, changing schools) was up to the two biological parents to decide. The step parents could give input, but the decision was ultimately up to the child's actual parents. Good luck.

Just to point out... If the psychologist was appointed by the church your ex husband attends, not the court, then that person was not a impartial person -- they were in favor of your ex. Any psychologist with the church would think it would be great to have your child have a good stable christian life.

While I respect that you believe that you were making the right choice for your child, I do not agree with several things you stated. I could never let my children go live with someone else without a huge fight. I would never take the word of one person, as you did with the church psychologist, I would need 50 psychologists tell me it was better and then a Judge would still have to order it. I would make whatever changes I needed to in order to have my children with me for as long as I could. If that meant moving closer to their school then that is what I would do, if that meant attending church every week I would. There isn't anything I wouldn't do for my children.

I want to also say that someone doesn't have to be a "natural" mother to love children or to make sacrifices for a child's best interest. Step parents often believe and feel as their step children are theirs and make the choices in the best interest of the child.

'Smokedetector' made some good points but IMO it doesn't work that way. Maybe its just the way my ex and I deal with things or it's the way we believe what "big stuff/small stuff" really is. Again its IMO that no matter how hard you and your ex try and how much you and your ex want it to be true, you will never have a say in the day to day life of your child, that falls to your ex to do. The big stuff is different, but again he and his wife have to deal, for lack of a better word, with the consequences of the choices you all make. If its better for their home they do it one way but you want it another way -- they still have to do what's best for their home. Unless you feel strongly about it or you feel your child is in danger or will be harmed by their choice then there is little you can do. If you have talked to them and they don't change, then you are left with two options: 1. take them to court or 2. get over it.

You still haven't said what happened or what they are doing/did that you don't like.

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Originally Posted by arlenecav

i have spoken to both of them on many occasions telling them how i feel.

by all the replies i have had so far, it is clear that i dont have a foot to stand on, unless i take court actions which is really not what i want to do.

but she is leaving a bad taste in my mouth as she disregards my thoughts and feelings and decisions.

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Let me take that last part first. She has no legal right to disregard your decisions. She can ADVISE her husband what she thinks HE should do and if its against your wishes then the two of you have to work it out or go back to court.

You will have a leg to stand on in court since you legally have joint custody.

You say you have discussed your feelings, but I wonder if you have done it the best way. I wonder if you have approached it, as you have here, in a way that put her out of the picture. If you try to include her and make her the partner that she effectively is, you might get further. You need to realize that she is going to have opinions and her husband is going to listen to them. You just need to get them to not make a decision without consulting you.

Reading between the lines, I get the feeling that this might be about religion. The mother agreed to let her child live with the father, who is a "practicing Christian", so that she could go to a Church school and get a good religious foundation. I have a feeling that, if the father is a good Christian, his new wife probably is too, and that the mother may feel now that her religious beliefs and associated lifestyle is being disregarded in favor of the "more active" religious lifestyle of her ex's family. Which is always going to be a problem if two people with different religious outlooks have a kid together.

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Originally Posted by froggy7

Reading between the lines, I get the feeling that this might be about religion. The mother agreed to let her child live with the father, who is a "practicing Christian", so that she could go to a Church school and get a good religious foundation. I have a feeling that, if the father is a good Christian, his new wife probably is too, and that the mother may feel now that her religious beliefs and associated lifestyle is being disregarded in favor of the "more active" religious lifestyle of her ex's family. Which is always going to be a problem if two people with different religious outlooks have a kid together.

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I had the same thought.

I think we've all seen any number of these situations involving one of the parents remarrying and I'm just not sure everything has been discussed here. I don't see the second wife making decisions - I see her having input (which is what I posted earlier) but I don't see her calling and saying, "This is how it's going to be."

I don't know what the issues are, why a church Psychologist was involved, why the child lives with the father and I'm not judging. I only know I would not be the non-custodial parent unless the Court found me unfit.

I think its important to remember that he is "consulting with her" because she too lives with this child. As stated earlier she has the right to have "input" in your child's life because she is aiding in raising her. Perhaps the problem lies mainly with the remarriage in your eyes, but you owe it to everyone involved to not get hung up on that and do what is in the best interest of your daughter. If you feel that is living with you go back to court. I don't mean to sound harsh, but sounds to me like you are on the outside looking in and having issue with not being a part of the "picture". Swollow that pride, it's not good for anyone involved.

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Originally Posted by MsMewiththat

Perhaps the problem lies mainly with the remarriage in your eyes, but you owe it to everyone involved to not get hung up on that and do what is in the best interest of your daughter.

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I'm not so sure that's the case. I go back to this quote from the OP; "but she is leaving a bad taste in my mouth as she disregards my thoughts and feelings and decisions.". I think the problem is more that the step-mom is going against what the OP wants.