Ask Me Help Desk - Should I just move on already?

Hey all, well I have been on this sight now for 3 weeks, reading everything and trying to soak in as much advise as I can. When ever I am on here the pain seems to temporarily subside... so thanks go out to tal, sneezy, and all of you going threw this (too many people to mention) I never really intended to post my story but I think that being interactive on this site rather than just reading post would help the most. Three weeks ago my girlfriend and I of four years broke up. I'm 22 and she's 21. A little bit of an interesting twist is that I broke up with her... but it really feels like I dumped myself. These last few months have been pretty strenuous on me, it all kind of started in Feb. when she went on a university grad trip to Cuba... there was an instant change in her the minute she got back. I really don't know if she cheated or anything but there were definitely some pictures that showed her pushing the envelope. She was pretty distant and very into partying and drinking with her friends, and I was dead last on her priority list). When easter came around her and her girlfriends decided that they were going to take a 4 day trip to the university where all the friends they made on the trip lived. (ALL GUYS) This obviously hurt me as I think it would anyone who is in a serious committed relationship. It is something I would never dream of doing that as I know it would have killed her emotionally, and frankly I think it is inappropriate... (maybe a 1 night trip would have sufficed but 4 nights was a bit much) She got pretty defensive about all this and said that she would have never cared if I did. (which was a huge lie because she has always been very jealous through our relationship. She went and contacted me very little through the weekend. She would always say to me that this is her graduating year and that she is never going to see these people again, and she wanted every moment with her friends to count and that she new all this partying and clubbing was excessive and that is was not the true her. So after being really depressed through all of this I finally snapped myself out of it and decided that I would believe her in that we would be back together and happy when everybody went their separate ways...

Now during all of this she had some future post grad options to deal with. She had gotten accepted into a masters program at a university 6 hours from where we lived and had also had an interview at a med school in town (something you should know about her, she is very book smart, but as I like to call her, socially retarded, she is extremely gullible, doesn't know much about the world around her, is VERY selfish and says a lot of things that hurt peoples feelings... if you were to meet her you might think she's a dumb blonde... Anyway the plan was that if she went away I would go with her and live with her and finish up my last year of school (as I switched programs before and lost a year) with her, and if she got into med school here I would stay her and move in with her. Anyway she found out that the prof in charge of her masters program wanted her to start in may... so she had to find a place for the summer away. It then eventually came out that she didn't want to move in with me there but with some random girls but I should go with her anyway. This was a blow to me as she was the one that was always so serious about us, on how we should live together and get married one day. I said no, there was no way I was going to follow her there to live on my own, spend a ton of money on living in a foreign place by myself. Anyway she will be finding out on Thursday if she gets into med school here.. I feel bad but I am hoping she doesn't as she will then be leaving 2 days later six hours away for her masters and I won't have to deal with her anymore. My friends and even parents don't think she will... one even went as far as saying he would lose all confidence in the medical community if she did. I don't think she will as her marks were on the low end and she didn't have many extra curricular activities related to medicine. I'll let you know what happens because that will either make my healing process a lot easier or harder.

I really apologize for the length of this, I know there is a lot of detail but it is really helping me to just get it all off my chest. Maybe You want to take a bathroom break before I continue...

THE BREAK UP

3 weeks ago exactly she called me around 9:20pm and said she was coming over and asked me if I wanted a coffee... I said sure and got all showered up and ready for her... (don't ask me why but I was really excited to see her) Anyway 10:30 comes around and she is still not here. I call her cell and get no answer, she then texts me right back saying she ran into a friend at the coffee shop and is now coming. Well 11:10 comes by and she still isn't here (it only a 3 minute drive) I then get really suspicious and hop in my car to see if she is there ( I felt crazy for even doing it) Well I drive by the front and there she is having coffee with some guy. Super ty feeling sets in but I decide I will just go home. And I know she saw my car... She still doesn't show up for 20 more minutes. She gets to my house and I am waiting for her outside, expecting a huge explanation and how sorry she is... Didn't get that. She says its really not what you think at all, I met him through a girlfriend last weekend and he talks a lot and I couldn't get out of it. (even if she isn't cheating on me with him it is extremely rude and something I wouldn't do even if I ran into a close friend.) She than turns on the water works and gets into how she has been thinking about taking a break for a few weeks now, that she feels she has grown away from me and is not sure how she's feeling. We were supposed to leave for a 10 day trip to California 4 days later if you can believe it. She said that she wanted to go on the trip to see if it helped her and us. We decided to sleep on it but when I woke up in the morning I had this feeling of what I had to do. I couldn't go to California with someone who didn't really want to be with me, I would feel like I was on trial the whole time and would constantly be thinking whether I was acting OK and if she liked me again. So I told her that day to meet up with me in a parking lot of all places (she could just sit in my car) As soon as she got in she saw a bag filled with all the personal things she gave me and knew what was going to happen. She got pretty upset and said I don't want this to be the end, I have to figure out my schooling and myself and that She would never find another guy like me. (see I broke up with her but she acted like she did it and it felt like she did it) And I know I am a good boyfriend (not being conceded) but like a lot of you guys and girls on here, I know I was great, and went above and beyond what a lot of guys would ever do, and her friends would even always say that I was perfect.. so there is some comfort in that the next guy will have very big shoes to fill and will let her know that she really did let somebody really good go. Anyway she left crying and I went home feeling horrible... I will post a follow up as I feel horrible right now for writing so much. Sorry guys but bare with me.

Anyway I went right into no contact. I knew that a break usually meant it was over, and that getting over a four year seriously intense relationship was going to be one hell of an emotional ride. I got rid of all the stuff she gave me, deleted her from msn, Facebook, and my cell and proceeded into a depressing existence. She contacted me 2 days later saying she was really hurt that I deleted her from Facebook. I replied saying how I would have to go cold turkey from her and how she really let go of someone extremely special. She replied once more saying that she knew she had and that she didn't think she would ever find someone like me and that she was scared that someone would get to have me one day and that they might be better than her. (this made me chuckle... isn't that the point, that they are better than you) I never replied and but took that message as a sign that it was really over. I couldn't believe the friends and family.. even some of her friends that came to me with the whole , "you are so much better off, she didn't deserve you and we never liked you with her, she took you away from us" It made me reflect on our relationship and I saw really how much I invested and cared and how much of me she would take. She really took full advantage of me. This made me feel a bit better about it and kind of gave me the resolve that I could do a lot better and that I wouldn't take her back anyway. Well as the days went by I started questioning it, just thinking about the good times and how I really did want to be with her. You know, started listening to my heart instead of my brain. I was very very down. Two weeks in I got a text from her, saying that she needed to talk to me about something that I would like to hear. Well I just got so excited that she was going to say she missed me but that wasn't the case. I got on the phone with her and what she said was actually pretty interesting. This girl I became pretty close with at school had contacted her through email, she said that I wouldn't talk to her much about the break up and wanted to know if we were really over, because she had feelings for me and wanted to tell me about them, but didn't want to step on someone's toes if we were trying to reconcile. I could tell this made my ex pretty jealous, and upset, and she said that she really didn't want us to be over and was still hopeful that we would get back together but needed to be settled in what she was doing for school next year first. I thought that was bull as it shouldn't matter what you are doing next year, you either love me or you don't. I figured this was just a ploy so I wouldn't hook up with this new girl.

Now about this new girl, to me she is perfect, beautiful, super caring and kind and someone I would totally be into, however it seems my heart is dead right now and I feel like I can't love anyone again. I would hate to rebound off her either, she deserves better than that and I will keep nurturing our friendship in the hope that one day I have feelings for her, and that she is still available.

The next day I felt horrible in the morning... I for some stupid reason decided to go over to my ex's place to drop off some of her stuff in the hopes that if she saw me she would miss me. Well it didn't really work that way as you probably would have guessed. She got pretty emotional (I didn't beg or cry or even say that I wanted her although I think I gave that impression) I sort of acted like it was really over and I was saying bye to her. She kept saying over and over not to be negative and that she wanted us to reconcile one day. And it was weird because all of our pictures were still up. I left and she gave me a huge hug as I did. I decided though that I would have to go back to no contact though to keep myself sane. But I find NC to be useless if you are still hoping for them to return to you.

So the last week has been pretty miserable up until yesterday. Someone I work with who knows who she is and also works part time in a club saw her... They didn't know we broke up and came to me with, I think you're girlfriend is cheating on you... This was like a kick in the nuts and I couldn't help myself but to inquire further. Apparently she was out at a club wearing a super short dress, high heels and was grinding and being felt up by several guys. Some of which she was kissing their necks. This crushed me at first, almost to the point of tears, but something else happened, it made me decide that I would never take her back. I wouldn't even consider dating a girl who would act like that... TO me that is just not attractive or classy. She was really showing her true colors and that was not someone I would want to be involved with. So last night I saw the pictures on her friends Facebook and sure enough her dress looked like it was a t-shirt and she was all over several guys. Again it hurt... so I decided to delete her friends as well. I felt like a butt for doing it but decided I am not going to talk to these people ever again and I have to protect myself. She has since sent me little messages like asking me to go and chat on msn, I have responded (which I shouldn't have) by saying I was just busy. Today She contacted me to tell me she got a new car... I didn't respond though. I hate that she has to tell me about the good things that are going on in her life. She still must think she can have me at anytime, she just doesn't know that I know how she acted that night and that I want nothing to do with her anymore.

Hey Tal, thanks for the welcome. Sorry about that, I really should have done that, but I felt like what I was writing wasn't really a question but just a story that I needed to share... I think what I was trying to get at though is that through no contact, or at least the beginning, most people seem to be holding on to hope that their significant other is going to come back to them. And I think this hope gets in the way of doing any true healing, or at least I know it did for me. I think there is a moment for everybody where something snaps in them and they decide that they really are better off without the person, and that cloud of admiration surrounding them lifts and you can really see them for who they really are. Don't get me wrong, it still hurts like a b**ch but I think that I can now really truly start NC with the full intension of healing myself and moving forward. Of course there are going to be bumps in the road, but that's what you guys are here for. Thanks for hearing me out and really, I am sorry for the length of all that, it just felt better to write it down. :)

I have moved your posts to its own area, if it is not an asnwer to someone else it needs to be its own post. These are not blogs ( although some seem to be at times) they are suppose to be question and answers

Sorry it took so long to read that saga, and I feel bad that my advice is so short, but... Move on, and build a life that you enjoy. You are in the right place to vent.

Tal is right. Your story reeks of you working on your relationship to the detriment of your actual life. It sounds like you pursued it far past its natural demise.

Get back to business, you have a LOT to get done and girlfriend/fiance/wife is only a part of it. Get your priorities back, get some stuff happening again in your life/career, this should put you in contact with women who are respectful/appreciative of someone like you.

I personally liked that your post was long and detailed.. You have no idea how this helps people who are going through a similar type of problems. It helps me to hear your story and know that you're getting better and healing.. I'm very happy that you shared your story, and heck keep us posted on your progress, it helps in more ways than one.

OK last year I was in exactly the same posistion as you and I spent nearly all my time looking at sites like this for support.

Its really hard when you break up with a girl, however I can confirm YOU DID THE RIGHT THING!! Your girlfriend showed you a complete lack of respect and the fact she was out with another guy when she was supposed to be with you is cheating, remember intention is as bad as actually doing anything, she crossed the line and you did exactly what you should have done and finished with her.

You shouldn't be done in right now, basically she showed you exactly how much respect she has for you and your feelings which is zero!! You have had the right amount of self respect to not put up with it and ditch her! Self respect being the key here. You must now move on knowing that you are better off without her in your life, you sound like a guy with morals and treats a girl right, you'll get someone better trust me.

I've been cheated on however I wasn't as strong as you and was treated like a doormat by a girl, basically this made the recovery 10 times harder!! I wish I'd done what you have done. Don't take it personally either she is only young and because she's been with you for 4 years she wants to experience life and see other guys, this is to be expected, if you want to settle down you need an older girl that has done all that and wants the same thing. I have one rule with relationships and that is they get one chance with me, the first lie or sign of foul play and they are gone.. this is just what you did and it was the right thing to do!! I learned this the hard way.

Get on with your life and you'll meet a more subtible girl.

Quote:

Originally Posted by plonak

I personally liked that your post was long and detailed.. You have no idea how this helps people who are going through a similar type of problems. It helps me to hear your story and know that you're getting better and healing.. I'm very happy that you shared your story, and heck keep us posted on your progress, it helps in more ways than one.

Took the words right out of my mouth!

NorthernNiceGuy:
In the relationship that I am currently in, sometimes it feels like I am doing all the work. Which isn't fair to the person with the burden because a relationship is supposed to be two people working together, not a one sided affair.

Anyway... You made your decision and stuck with it and you should be very proud for doing that... Most people back out of pulling the plug on a relationship due to the stress/hurt/feelings that come with it. So for you to stick with your decision is very good in my opinion.

Glad to see you are looking forward and good luck with everything.

-Sik

Hey guys, I really appreciate your kind words and support. Every post really helped. You're all right in what you said. I really should have got out of this thing long ago, its time to take care of someone I have been neglecting for a long time... myself! I can do way better.

Anytime northernniceguy

I need to do the same thing but my problem isn't over yet...

Ugh.. I hate drama!

-Sik

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sikativ

Anytime northernniceguy

I need to do the same thing but my problem isnt over yet...

ugh..i hate drama!

-Sik

I just commented on your situation... I'll definitely be paying attention to what happens there. She's definitely not worth your time!

Northern, you don't need this type of basketcase in your life. You have your priorities straight, she doesn't. You need to take this time to sort all your things that YOU want to do out, without her. If it's meant to be, it will be, and if not, you will find someone a lot better while traveling down this road of yours.

Got to agree with Rome and the other guys on this one.

It took guts to cut your ties, and you do deserve better. Remember, you are the opportunity of a lifetime for a girl, and if they are not prepared to value that opportunity then they don't deserve to have you!

good luck joining many of us on here on the road to getting yourself back!

Sweetie, you really do seem like a nice guy... just like your user name.

This girl, even though you spent years of loving her, is not right for you. She doesn't seem to have the same depth of character as you.

You're doing well. You're going to make it. You're going to find that some day soon, you'll be able to look back upon your relationship with her and smile for the good times.

Focus on you right now. Focus on obtaining that shimmery future waiting just around the bend... the one that is perfectly designed for you.

Proud of you. Keep up the awesome progress!

Hi Northern,

You are doing so great! You deserve sooo much better. And you will meet her! And she will be lucky to have you, and will definatley apprciate you!

This question is mostly meant for the people that have been in the NC calender or others who know my situation, but any advice is greatly appreciated.

Well a little bit of an update on me... My ex texted me several times last night begging me to call her back saying she really really needed me... I gave in.

Hit the 2 month break-up point a few days ago and I feel like I am in the midst of the first few weeks. (hopefully it will pass fast, I think it will) She had some very unusual things that I would really like some opinions on...

Well about a week ago she asked me repeatedly (through text) that I go visit her in her new town. I didn't respond much but eventually gave in and suggested that maybe we meet up at the half way point in Toronto where there is tons of stuff to do. Anyway, she then tells me that she is very broke right now and that she can't afford it and would like me to go there. (six hour drive) But the catch is that she is busy every weekend until August... Which is a jerk move in my eyes as once again you have gotten me to open up my heart and have just put salt on the wound. She then proceeds to tell me what she is up to those weekends... some of which is visiting all the guys she met in cuba, going to some guys camp, flying out to another province to see friends (very expensive) and renting a cottage with her camp friends for a week (which I have been a part of for the last 4 years)

All this makes me feel dead last again, just like I did the three months before we broke up, everyone and everything came before me... not to mention she begs me to visit but then says she has to do all this first... I then suggest maybe going to the cottage with her and her friends as I have made some close friendships with them as well... She doesn't like this idea because she thinks she will be to emotional and it will take away from the time she gets to hangout with these people. (I am just starting to see this as another thing she doesn't want to involve me in... wants to party and hangout with lots of people without me then have me on the side... does that make sense to you guys?)

Anyway she goes on to say that when she thinks about the future... a husband, traveling, and a life she still thinks about me by her side. Tells me I am perfect and that she can't even imagine being with someone else right now. This makes me feel good obviously, but then I ask her if that is true then wouldn't you want to fight for me... and that other people would climb mountains to get that person back and not just say, no you have to wait until August and you have to come see me and do all the work. Could she be making me wait so she feels better while she gets over it and maybe finds someone else??

Everything always seems to be on her terms, as if I have nothing better to do than to wait on her. My parents and friends have all noticed a change in me the last couple days, saying I seem sad again, and irritable.

For the ones that have read my initial post and followed me through the NC calender and have read the things she done and how its made me feel... can you give your honest opinion on if I should just really move on... I feel like I am being used but for some reason am having trouble thinking on my head with this one. Be blunt please, and tell me I am being stupid if you want. Are there better girls out there who will treat me right??

Yes I think that you are being too nice hoping that by doing so she will feel sorry and take you back!! that in the movies man... she is really mind ing you, testing the waters to see if she still has you in the palm of your hand... by you replying and playing her game, you really just boosted her big ego... she is just using you man... listen I hit two months tomorrow... haven't spoken with her in a long time... and guess what happened? She too messaged me out of the blue on Saturday... I wanted to reply right the way... but then I didn't... you know why?? because when she broke it off she was too busy to be in a relationship with me and she treated me like during the last few months... I cocnsidered responding maybe today to keep it short, but thank God I read your post... iu ll think OK one text is not going to do any damage but u'll be surprise... I m feeling better and last time we messaged each other... I felt horrible for almost a week... trust me I don't want to go back... So my advice to you my friend is stuck your gut out... DO NOT.. I REPEAT DO NOT... go backward... it's true there are great girls out there who know how to appreciate a good man like you... forget about this one... I never thought I would be able to say something like this this soon... it's 2 months... but I really thought that without my ex that was it... well guess what?? / WRONG WRONG WRONG... I don't care how long you were together... YOU NEED A CLEAN... AND I MEAN CLEAN BREAK AND A FRESH START... she is an ex for a reason... u know how I did it?? I started by appreciating all the little things that are right in my life, my family, job, all the goods... when you miss her because you think of great time, remember the last few months... how horrible she treated you... n u'll think I'm better off without that nut case!! ( at least I do now... ) I FOUND OUT THAT WHAT I ONCE THOUGHT WAS GOLD HAS NOW TARNISHED... AND REMEMBER... SILENCE SPEAKS VOLUME!! ALL THE BEST MY FRIEND!! CHEERS

Thanks gg23, that response helped a lot. A lot of really good points. I am not making rational decisions because of how I am feeling. Everything I do (that is wrong) has an emotion behind it that clouds my judgment. I hate the fact that I have gotten so weak all of a sudden. She hadn't contacted me much in the first month and I felt pretty good at the end of it and felt like I had got out of something detrimental to me. But now that she is contacting me and saying the things she is she is bringing back those old feelings of wanting a relationship, I really hate it...

Oh NNG,

I am sorry that this has happened when you were feeling so good.. she seems to have done very well with stirring up your emotions..

To be blunt, if you go see her and hang out with her, old feelings about her are going to flood in.. I'm sure she's attractive.. and when you see her for the first time in 2 months your heart is proly going to race, and you're going to want to kiss her and all.. I know the feeling believe me, I'm having a hard time resisting my ex when we meet up (which has been a couple times since we broke up) and so.. when you get those feelings it clouds all rational thinking and all you care about is just being with them and connecting and kissing, and so on.. it's not good..

Remember you made that list of your ex (you actually made it while you were together if I remember correctly) of all the things that bother you about her?? I suggest you read that list before you make a final decision..

Ask yourself this.. what is the real benefit of meeting her? What's the real need for it.. you didn't want to get back with her because she was horrible to you.. I think all it's going to bring is more heartache and backsliding in your healing process..

Whatever you decide to do NNG, we are all here for you.. believe me, I'm still SOOOO confused about my situation and don't know what the heck the future holds and I'm probably sure I'm going to make my fair share of mistakes along the way!

You can't move forward to better things, if your looking back at what was. Do you really need more of testerday's crap to know its poison still?

You already knew what my advice would be anyway. So skip to the bottom line, back to NC!!

NNG, I think what you are doing is hoping againt hope that this is some temporary break up and things will turn around. I think as a result you making yourself available to her, which as you point out that very fact alone is on her terms. When you are emotional, she's going to know, she can read emotions better then you can and she uses them to control you. As you note any resistance you put up she just shoots you right down. This is an emotional test for her to see exactly where she has you. It sucks for you because you can't really defend yourself without coming off as the bad guy, but at this point you've earned the right to be the bad guy. You've put up with enough of her games, and you have offered her far more respect and opportunities to change her behavior so I think you owe it to yourself to respect yourself more then she is doing and let this one go into the past where she belongs. The future is yours but for you to get there you must let go of the past, and to do that you must let her go for good.