[EDIT: mod please move this post to Adult Sexuality]
With so many challenging situations facing the homosexual population these days, the middleman often gets forgotten. I'm bisexual, and I hate myself. I don't know whether this is the right place or whether I will say what I want to say clearly.
In second grade I first started to like men. I thought I was gay, but in high school I found I liked girls as well. I had a girlfriend in college for 2 years, but I could never maintain the relationship because I wasn't as promiscuous as she was. Right now I want to call her and tell her how much she meant to me, how much I love her for sticking it out, and how much she should be proud of herself for keeping a switch-hitter like me interested as long as she did. She's such a gorgeous girl, and she always wondered why I never seemed interested in hooking up. This is why, I just wanted to say it wasn't her fault every and that I'm sorry.
My friend asked me once what drives me. I said pain and hope. What I didn't say was the pain of being bisexual coupled with the hope that when I go to bed at night, I will wake up a straight man is what drives me. Nothing in this world even comes close in terms of difficulty. This orientation makes what could seem like daunting tasks.. getting into a U.S. allopathic medical school, being the top performer in basketball.. trivial to accomplish. I did both and I don't see any reason why they're things to be proud of. I'm always telling my parents to pipe down when they say how proud they are that I made it this far.
If you think bisexualism means a 50/50 split on male/female preference, you're wrong. I'd say the ratio of men I find attractive (i.e. men I'd hook up with) to females I find attractive is more like 3:1.
If you think bisexualism means a 50/50 split on the passion towards a sex, you're wrong. I'd say that the intensity I feel in loving another man is at least 10 fold the intensity I feel towards a woman. Some days are better than others, and I think once in 10th grade I lucked out and had a really passionate crush on another girl.
Lately I've been getting suicidal in my thoughts. I don't feel like I should live, that at the end of the day, in the purest of thoughts, how I feel and think is fundamentally corrupt, vile, and flawed. But I can't seem to fix it. I guess you can't change your orientation. So deal with it! HOW? The only way to deal with a problem like this is to become straight, but that is the very thing I find impossible.
Also, a quick word as to why this orientation bothers me. I personally believe a man should love a woman, and only a woman. Those of us who do not, such as myself, I believe are misguided.
The pain I'll endure if I come out keeps me closeted. But I'm finding that I'm becoming worse and worse at staying in the closet.
At any rate, I need advice about what I should do with regards to the suicidal thoughts. My perspective is this: I will never be able to maintain a wife. I just won't perform the way I should. And it sucks. I've always wanted to marry a hispanic (I'm caucasian) wife with gorgeous breasts and a knack for dancing. I'll probably never be able to have kids, and if I do, I'll never raise them the way they should be raised. I'll remain single for life, my parents and family will question this behavior, and the answer will always be that I "can't keep it up." But I'll never say that. Instead I'll have to provide some lie of an excuse that will do little more than simply buy me time until the next set of curious people pressure me again. The pressure adds up and makes me want to kill myself. What should I do?
