I am very concerned. My daughter 16 dated a guy 2 years older. The entire time not wanting to associate with our family. The couple times coming into our home not saying more than hello if that. Would pick her up outside and not come in or even wave if we were in the yard. They broke up 2 months ago due to him not wanting to take her to the prom. He started dating her best friend and she ended up losing a group of friends. She had a date to the prom but feels that she can't open her heart to anyone else.
Had to deal with the dean at school due to this group threatening to damage her car and harassing at school. This guy stopped dating the best friend and now is in contact with my daughter again. During this time as well we tried to talk to him and he hung up the phone. Also sent a threatening text message to my daughter that you better watch out.
She thinks all of this is OK now and thinks she should be able to communicate with him.
We told her we tried for 2 years and he would not be accepted. We have taken her phone and limited driving to and from work and cheering activities. The entire time with him she would only be able to socialize with HIS friends. We tried talking to him and nothing changes. We have told her that as long as she is a minor there is no more contact.
I am concerned with signs of anger issues with him due to a divorce family. Also- he doesn't speak to her family. We have contacted him via text and asked not to communicate. I am sure he will try through other people. HELP

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Originally Posted by ann6

I am very concerned. My daughter 16 dated a guy 2 years older. The entire time not wanting to associate with our family. The couple times coming into our home not saying more than hello if that. Would pick her up outside and not come in or even wave if we were in the yard. They broke up 2 months ago due to him not wanting to take her to the prom. He started dating her best friend and she ended up losing a group of friends. She had a date to the prom but feels that she can't open her heart to anyone else.
Had to deal with the dean at school due to this group threatening to damage her car and harrassing at school. this guy stopped dating the best friend and now is in contact with my daughter again. During this time as well we tried to talk to him and he hung up the phone. Also sent a threatening text message to my daughter that you better watch out.
She thinks all of this is ok now and thinks she should be able to communicate with him.
We told her we tried for 2 years and he would not be accepted. We have taken her phone and limited driving to and from work and cheering activities. The entire time with him she would only be able to socialize with HIS friends. We tried talking to him and nothing changes. We have told her that as long as she is a minor there is no more contact.
I am concerned with signs of anger issues with him due to a divorce family. Also- he doesnt speak to her family. We have contacted him via text and asked not to communicate. I am sure he will try thru other people. HELP

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The More You Tell Your Daughter Not 2 See Him & Restrict Her From Seeing Him, The More She Will Want To. Trust Me, I Was In The Same Position & Whenever My Family Bad Mouthed Him & Told Me Not 2 See Him, I Tried Even More. As Soon As They Stopped I Realised That He Wasn't Worth It & Saw Him 4 What He Truly Was Like. X

Go to your local police department ask for a referral to see a judge and seek a restraining order.
*edit*

If she did not want to listen... I would take her car away and her cheering.

None of this is going to work. You're just going to alienate your daughter. You need to be strengthening your lines of support and communication with her, not undermining them.

She's 16. You can't treat her like a 10 year old. You just can't. "Because I said so" doesn't work with a teen this old. You need to bond with her and stay at her side.

I would give up on "make her listen" on this issue. This is about love (to her) and love means getting to ignore all the grownups, it's a right of passage, so to speak.

Her cheering and other activities actually represent an avenue of release for her, I wouldn't be curbing her privileges in other areas in an attempt to stifle this communication.

I would keep it simple. "He's an as$h0le...you know that and I know that. I'm going to stay out of it. If you two want to change my opinion of him, then you two can try. But meanwhile I'll stay out of it on ONE condition...you will CALL me when you need me. You will use me as a resource, talk to me if you think I might have something useful to offer. But never feel you're alone. I'm here, I'll be there for you, call me the moment you need anything. Whether or not you two work out in the end, we'll always be family. Always remember that." Hugs... cue background music.

Then mean it. Resist all "I told you so" reactions. When/if things go wrong, just comfort her, buy the ice cream... be a friend.

You're at that stage where if you don't start adding some comradery into your relationship, it won't develop at all. Comrades don't condone everything each other do, but they are there for each other when needed.

If she were my daughter and I was afraid of his aggressive behavior, I would want to know that I did everything in my power to keep her safe from him.

Now if I just did not like the things he did and he's a butt head then, I probably would not make such a big deal out of it. Live and learn and mom loves you.

I am concerned that if she keeps contacting him or visa versa that she will never be given an opportunity to move on. Teachers and coaches have both expressed a concern with him. When she is all into him- it almost likes she is brainwashed. He doesn't want her with her friends - only him and his pick of his friends. He doesn't want to go to college. Very content living with his mother who lets him do what he wants. The parents are divorced and he almost seems like he doesn't know how to fit in society. I feel like this will pull my daughter down and she needs to experience her senior year. She already lost 2 years of high school where she didn't go to events with him because he wouldn't. She found friend dates at the last minute. She keeps saying she can't open her heart to anyone else.
I also see anger issues with him which she makes excuses for. Not physical but I see emotiional issues. I think it is important that she not speak to him and give herself time. I told her after senior year if feeling exist than contact each other but due to him causing the friction in our house - he is not welcome right now. Also concerned- he is 19 and she is 16 going on 17. He has no restrictions - just bought a motorcycle which scares me more. Am I being fair asking her to not contact him for the summer and let us see that she is moving on? My husband already had called him after he sent her a threatening text message to never contact her again. Also spoke to the dad he was cooperative in that he would talk to him but couldn't promise anything. How can we have them not communicate until she gets her head on? I am very uncomfortable with him. I know we can't do a thing after she is 18 but how can we let her speak to someone that has been so disrespectful to us. I just feel that it is important for her to follow our instructions and not communicate until we see that she knows what she wants. He keeps telling her that he has changed and he will make something of himself why he works detailing cars and plays video games. She does well in school and wants to go to nursing school- I don't want to see her focus change. One reason again we asked that her senior year not involve him. (I was almost inclined to talk to an attorney and see if due to the text message is that enough to keep him away for now)
I am very mixed and want to stear her in the right direction.

I've nmerged the two threads. Please don't start a new thread for follow-up. Use the Answer This Question, Quote User or Quick Reply options to add a follow-up to the thread.

I'm just warning you that you may be on the right track to not only fail in keeping her from talking to him, but also to lose her to your influence altogether. When it comes to boys, teenage girls will NOT follow nor heed normal logic. She needs you at her side there to help and influence WHEN SHE ASKS.

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Am I being fair asking her to not contact him for the summer and let us see that she is moving on?

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Fair? No, but parenting isn't about fair, it's about doing what you think is best. I know that's what you're doing. I'm advising you that what you think is best NEEDS to include keeping strong communication between you two. You may not be able to actually stop her from communicating with this boy, no matter how hard you try. And along with failing that, you've punished and controlled and alienated her to the point she's not interested in ANYTHING you say.

I know you mean well, I'm just wondering if you might do better to stop trying to control and just put yourselves at her side firmly.

Heck, even the BOY might benefit from that. Maybe you and dad will be a good influence on HIM, too, if he were to stop seeing you as the enemy.

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... we asked that her senior year not involve him...

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See, you're not being consistent. First you say leave him alone for the summer, and now you add "all senior year", too. I just don't see any of this going well, and you're so frustrated you're not even being consistent in telling her what you want her to do.

Just be careful here.

If I was a parent, I'd send her off to somewhere so she has no access to internet, phone service, or any type of contact.

Me, a very large male friend and a baseball bat would cure the attitude of any boy/man who was threatening my girls. It is a parents responsibility to protect their children. I will/would/have done what ever was necessary to achieve that. Both of my girls are now married and have kids of their own. That would not stop me from protecting them. Ever seen a shebear with cubs? That is nothing to the terror I would inflict on anyone who tried to hurt my girls!

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Originally Posted by 450donn

Me, a very large male friend and a baseball bat would cure the attitude of any boy/man who was threatening my girls. It is a parents responsibility to protect their children. I will/would/have done what ever was necessary to achieve that. Both of my girls are now married and have kids of their own. That would not stop me from protecting them. Ever seen a shebear with cubs? That is nothing to the terror I would inflict on anyone who tried to hurt my girls!

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Like a military father?

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Originally Posted by ann6

I am very concerned. My daughter 16 dated a guy 2 years older. The entire time not wanting to associate with our family. The couple times coming into our home not saying more than hello if that. Would pick her up outside and not come in or even wave if we were in the yard. They broke up 2 months ago due to him not wanting to take her to the prom. He started dating her best friend and she ended up losing a group of friends. She had a date to the prom but feels that she can't open her heart to anyone else.
Had to deal with the dean at school due to this group threatening to damage her car and harrassing at school. this guy stopped dating the best friend and now is in contact with my daughter again. During this time as well we tried to talk to him and he hung up the phone. Also sent a threatening text message to my daughter that you better watch out.
She thinks all of this is ok now and thinks she should be able to communicate with him.
We told her we tried for 2 years and he would not be accepted. We have taken her phone and limited driving to and from work and cheering activities. The entire time with him she would only be able to socialize with HIS friends. We tried talking to him and nothing changes. We have told her that as long as she is a minor there is no more contact.
I am concerned with signs of anger issues with him due to a divorce family. Also- he doesnt speak to her family. We have contacted him via text and asked not to communicate. I am sure he will try thru other people. HELP

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Hmm this is a toughie, but you have to look at this situation through your 16 yr old daughters eyes. She wants to be in contact with him because he was probably her first love or so I'm assuming. Cutting off all contact might cause her to do something worse like run away from home from with him or something. Maybe you should try reaching out to the both of them and plan a nice dinner or something fun, where you and you family can try and sit down and get to know the guy, and just be honest with them. Tell him you just want the best for your daughter, and you would be open to seeing this work if he could try and make it work, do things with the family etc. Now that is my suggestion to stay on your daughters side of this, playing devils addvocate. In reality...
The threats are not okay, and in today's world I don't think those things should be taken lightly. Maybe ask your daughter what it is she really likes about him? Try being her friend, and not her mother. Get her involved in activited where positive men are. Try bringing her a few books, there are a lot of good ones for girls to read, He's Just Not that into you etc. I don't know if any of this helped, but as a 20 something yr old, I would say just try to be a good friend to your daughter instead of a mom, talk to her about what us women deserve from a guy, she is old enough to realize it and should have enough self confidence to see it.

And p.s. if worst comes to wost... put a restraining order on him... take is the police. But only if your gut tells u so.

If your daughter has a cell phone you can check her text messages either by taking her phone and looking through the text messages or through the phone company you can go in, fill out a few forms, and they'll give you a list of all her messages to whom what they said and what she said back . If you tell your daughter not 2 see him she's going 2 want 2 even more because she's rebeling against your athourity .