Hi everyone, my question is about improving my sexlife. Lately my boyfriend and I have been having sex less frequently and its frustrating me. Were both always horny but because he's been working a lot he hasn't been able to "perform" as well as he usually can -that I totally understand. What I don't understand is why he can find the time to play PS3 or surf the net when he gets home from work instead of having sex with me?. anyway, Lately whenever we do have sex its so rushed and seedy. Seedy in terms that he wants me to talk dirty and its rough! He rushes it and there's little or no foreplay at all which hurts for me because I'm very tight, which in result I loose the mood and get pissed off!. I've told him this and he felt really bad about it, and I think that pushed him away even more.

In case anyone is getting ideas about my boyfriend.. it sounds worse than it seems. He's very loving towards me, treats me like a queen and is very affectionate. I know he has his fantasies too.. but I find rough play not always stimulates me.. I mean once in a while is great.. having fun and being wild, but I'm starting to loose that connection with him.. (making love)

What can I do to get him to slow down and take his time with me like he used too instead of rushing it and spoiling it? Ive tried massages and kissing and taking my time.. he gets too relaxed and looses his errection.

What can I do or try that will get us both in the mood, that is sexy and relaxing but not to the extent that he falls asleep!. I've never had any complaints about the way I perform and our sexlife is fabulous when its wild and dirrty.. but I'm looking now for more the connection and slow, passionate love making rather than the scratching, biting, pulling hair rough play which don't get me wrong is good once in a while or in the heat of the moment but not all the time!

Read Cosmopolitan, they have awesome hints for bettering a sexual relationship. Also, when he kisss you slowly or does something that you particularly like, pause and stare deep into his eyes, explaining how hot it makes you, that's sure to get his attention!

Sounds like one of two things. One, he is into porno, or Two because he is too tired to preform and your pushing him is causing problems. If he is working that many hours, you either have to understand and back off or learn to satisfy yourself.

I'm wondering how much time you want with him to have sex. Is it until you have an orgasm, and how long does that take?

If he is a good guy as you say, perhaps he has lost interest in spending a lot of time in bed?

What do you think?

Hi lella87,

My answer may sound strange at first but really think about it. I have a strong feeling that your boyfriend is not wanting rough sex or rushing things because it's a fantasy, but rather because he is stressed to the max! Is he going through quite a bit in life at the moment? You mentioned that he has been working a lot and this even further makes me believe that his recent behavior in the bedroom is indeed stress-related. That rough, wild, crazy sex is highly aggressive and thus lets him release all of that pinned up emotion that he isn't expressing any other way. I'm not saying you should accept it, but am trying to help you understand why it may be happening.

While I understand your frustration that he is coming home & finding time to play PS3 or surf the net but not making love to you; it honestly sounds to me like this is his way of winding down, of forgetting about the day's work and decompressing. I am a big believer in the saying "everything in moderation" however. I do believe it is healthy, normal and very beneficial to you as well as him that he has some down time when he needs it after a long day. Reason being, he needs an outlet for that stress to melt away - if only for a little while.

Now, what I suggest is this: Help him find other ways to decompress. How about taking a walk together? Sitting down watching a movie together? Just understand that as long as *all* of his attention isn't going to the PS3 or to the internet, it is not a bad thing because he will be more focused on you after he gets a little "me time." I think the answer to making passionate love in this particular case does not start in the bedroom but outside of it. You say he's a good guy - see if you can get him to open up a little bit (but don't be pushy at all since that will only stress him out further.) Remind him in nice ways that you're truly there for him and it's not about the sex or time together - just that you want him to be OK. And then, once his stress levels are coming down and things between you begin to get heated up, when he does something that you love, let him know! Tell him how good he makes you feel and give him that boost of confidence that he needs right now.

By the way, I do think in time that the stress levels will come down as things begin to settle a bit in his life. Just be open w/ him, tell him what you need while making love, and listen to his needs as well. I sincerely hope this helps you! Sorry so long.

Thanks everyone for your responses. Dreamer especially... man your wise lol... thank you. I took your advice and spoke to him about it. He said that the rough sex was his idea of playing out his fantasy and yes to release his stress... also though that he was getting sick of having sex in bed. So we have taken it else where :)... and everywhere.. hehe. We decided to make our relationship a little bit more romantic and spontaneous by having date nights where we alternate in planning dates for each other and he agreed to slow down, take his time with me and enjoy the sex how it should be enjoyed. So far so good..!

Sounds like you've taken some good steps... talking about it is absolutely needed... when things aren't right, when things are... the more you can discuss it the better.

Don't equate time playing a video game with an opportunity for sex necessarily. I do understand your reaction being "if he can make time for THAT, why not make time for ME??"... if he is stressed, that distraction is perhaps about winding down, just like working out at the gym or reading a book.

I'm not saying that its OK for him to neglect you... but I had the same discussion with my partner a few years back, who needs to read at night for 20-40 minutes to wind down. Took time for me to realize that this wasn't the time to look for intimate time... her mind was too busy with the noise of the day. Instead of feeling like she was choosing a book over sex, I had to understand sex at that point for her would be going through the motions at best.

*edit* didn't see dreamers post until after I wrote this. Obviously the decompression and winding down issue has already been thoughtfully mentioned *edit*

On her side, she knows if I'm pestering her at night that sometimes a little simple affection will curb the hunger, and shell make time the next morning to make the wait worth it. So... there's balance.

But its easy, when you are craving attention, to equate time spent on other things as time lost from the bedroom.

Balance in all things goes a long way toward keeping the peace. Glad you are talking about it and finding ways to meet in the middle.

That is fantastic! Sounds like things are really looking up for you two. It's so important to communicate your needs when in a relationship. A partner should never expect the love of their life to automatically know what they want or desire. (I'm not saying you're guilty of this by the way) Keep talking to each other and I believe things will only get better. Those date nights sound exciting too.

By the way, thank you so much for your compliment. It made my day to hear that you felt I helped you. :) You're most welcome! Best wishes for you & yours in the future!

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Originally Posted by lella87

Thanks everyone for your responses. Dreamer especially... man your wise lol... thankyou. I took your advice and spoke to him about it. He said that the rough sex was his idea of playing out his fantasy and yes to release his stress... also though that he was getting sick of having sex in bed. So we have taken it else where :)... and everywhere.. hehe. We decided to make our relationship a little bit more romantic and spontaneous by having date nights where we alternate in planning dates for eachother and he agreed to slow down, take his time with me and enjoy the sex how it should be enjoyed. So far so good...!!

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