Hey guys this is my first post on this site, and it's a very complicated situation so I am sry for the length. So here it goes, I have been with my girlfriend for a little over 2 years now. Our relationship started awesome for the first year we were probably the happiest couple anyone knew. I went away to college, and my girlfriend did not have the grades to go to college right away so she took a year off. She is now at college also. Needless to say she got very jealous of me up at school, and this caused her to become possesive and controlling. She would get mad at me for going to dinner with girls, going to the beach and pool, ( even though I have a full scholarship to a D1 school for swimming) and even got pissed about me wanting to go away with my friends. Make a long story short is caused to me to lie to her about what I was doing not because I wanted to but because she smothered me in a way. She knows now and understands, she knows I was always faithful to her and always loved her, she knows she had nothing to worry about. Recently a girl at her work was told by a friend of mine to "talk ****" about me to my girlfriend. Needless to say this led to a huge argument and my girlfriend telling me we were over, and that she needed space. I also found the convos on my friends computer with him talking to girl who tried to screw things up between my girlfriend and I, the proof is all there, I showed them to my girlfriend. She said it didn't change anything bla bla bla. This is where it gets complicated. I got my friend to go up and apoligize for the enitre situation he said "i never thought it would led to this" she told me it wouldn't change anything and we were over. Later that night I got a call from her apoligizing and saying she was sorry for yelling at me but other than that is was a clean break, why even call me back if you don't want to talk?? The next day I went up with flowers and a poem for her, she was crying for the better part of 30 min and was wearing my sweatshirt when I got there, her room had all our stuff in it still up, flowers form valentines day. Once again she told me she didn't want me, yet that night she called me back and we talked for 45 min saying she loved me but just wanted space. Next morning she flipped out saying we were over, and hung up. That same day which was this Wednesday, her away message online was getting drunk, now from 2 years with being with her it NEVER said somehting like this, she was saying it to hurt me. I called her up she picked up said we were over wasn't my business and hung up. I went online sent her a couple paragraphs about how I did nothing to her, got her a braclet from tiffanys from valentines day, flowers and took her out to dinner, and I got nothing in return. We even had a vacation planned for this Monday and Tuesday to NH she was so exicted to go as was I. I told her how love doesn't change over night and I signed off, 10 min later I got 3 calls from her and ignored them. Later that Night I Got 3 more private calls ( her again). I called her back and she kept asking where I was and if I was home, then once she knew I was home and in bed she said were over and hung up. She says she wants nothing to do with me but if not would she really be picking up my calls, asking where I was, and doing all of this? I think it is a control issue with her but I am not sure, girls can you help me out here? THe funniest part is last Monday she brought me lunch at work jumped on me in front of 5 co-workers, Tuesday I slept over her school and Wednedsay this all happened, so its been going on for a week and half, feelings don't cahnge like that in my opinion, she is acting like night and day. Please help guys what is going onn??

Hi, Mark,
It does sound as if your girlfriend needs to "grow up" some. She is acting like a young teen.
It also sounds like she is trying to end the relationship, because that's what a lot say when they want to "take a break".
Now that she is in college herself, she is realizing there are many more opportunities to meet others, and she wants to take advantage of it. Give her some time, if you are really in love with her.
I wouldn't call her, email her, or answer any of hers. I wouldn't communicate with her at all. You both have had a chance to talk about this, and it didn't work.
Hopefully, in the future, she will be different. But for now, she wants out.
I do wish you the best, and good luck.

Hi Mark, sorry this is happening to you, but it's as old as the first printed book. She has realized that there is more in life she wants and probably realized this during your separation while you were in college.

Even though you innocently lived your life normally without her, it's probably not what she expected, and since she's new to this she's probably jealous of your experience and friends. This will probably pass once she is in the routine herself. As fredg said, just let her do her thing, and you keep on with your life. You should not compromise yourself or your needs for someone who is not sure of what she wants herself - that's not fair of her to expect from you.

It's not certain if she will grow up and contact you again after coming to her senses, but don't let that hinder you from reaching your goals in life.

No matter what your choice, I wish you all the best, and remember, we are here for you any time you want to 'air it out'. Just keep a level head on your shoulder and don't let anyone influence you into doing things you don't feel right about.

Lots of luck, and please keep us posted.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_9_16.gifYou are young and healthy - and your life is just now starting - enjoy it in peace and comfort without stress.

Teens find more often than not, when they start the collegel years, they change, and don't even know it. Add into this one going and one not, then both going to different schools. You both have different friends now, different outlooks on things. It is part of normal growing apart and maturing as each of you find their own place in life.

I am not saying this can't be worked out, but both will have to make a lot of commitments not to do so much without the other (hard to do) and to miss some of your own activities to be at things going on for the other.

Two separate lives will not work.

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Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

Teens find more often than not, when they start the collegel years, they change, and don't even know it. Add into this one going and one not, then both going to different schools. You both have different friends now, different outlooks on things. it is part of normal growing apart and maturing as each of you find thier own place in life.

I am not saying this can't be worked out, but both will have to make alot of commitments not to do so much without the other (hard to do) and to miss some of your own activities to be at things going on for the other.

Two seperate lives will not work.

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The weird part is that she tells me the only reason she doesn't want this now is because I hurt her or what not In a way I can see what she is saying but I also feel that is her way of making an excuse, I feel if she really really wanted it she would work it out. Some of that might be true My opinion is that between last Monday and Tuesday when she made me lunch and brought it my work and when I slept over her house we were probably the strongest together we have ever been. In 24 hours it all changed? I just don't see that happening, on top of that, she is still wearing my clothes, has not asked for her stuff back, and calls me at night from private numbers to see what I am doing. Once she finds out she yells again, I have to say I feel it is more of a control issue, to be honest I know her better than anyone else, I am the only guy she has ever had sex with, and know she is not interested in anyone else at this point, could this honestly be just a big control issue? Fr. Chuck, Chery what do you think?

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Originally Posted by markb3

The weird part is that she tells me the only reason she doesnt want this now is because I hurt her or what not In a way I can see what she is saying but I also feel that is her way of making an excuse, I feel if she really really wanted it she would work it out. Some of that might be true My opinion is that between last Monday and Tuesday when she made me lunch and brought it my work and when I slept over her house we were probably the strongest together we have ever been. in 24 hours it all changed?? I just dont see that happening, on top of that, she is still wearing my clothes, has not asked for her stuff back, and calls me at night from private numbers to see what I am doing. Once she finds out she yells again, i have to say I feel it is more of a control issue, to be honest I know her better than anyone else, I am the only guy she has ever had sex with, and know she is not interested in anyone else at this point, could this honestly be just a big control issue? Fr. Chuck, Chery what do you think?

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Dear, I think it is a 'control' issue as well as a large amount of jealousy as you got there first - this might escalate to anger that she does not know how to vent - but she is surely stressing you out. So, have a talk with her and tell her to start facing reality and assure her of your feelings if you still want to keep her. But this will take a lot of work, and only if she is willing to cooperate too. Women also have ego problems that they sometimes don't like to admit.

Again, good luck.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_9_16.gifThanks again for asking my opinion. Hope all works out for the best.

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Originally Posted by Chery

Dear, I think it is a 'control' issue as well as a large amount of jealousy as you got there first - this might escalate to anger that she does not know how to vent - but she is surely stressing you out. So, have a talk with her and tell her to start facing reality and assure her of your feelings if you still want to keep her. But this will take a lot of work, and only if she is willing to cooperate too. Women also have ego problems that they sometimes don't like to admit.

Again, good luck.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_9_16.gifThanks again for asking my opinion. Hope all works out for the best.

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I think the control and jealousy comment you made hit the nail on the head. I have tried to talk to her about our relationship and why she is doing this and she just gets angry, when I went in person to talk it was the same thing. However she still tries to know what I am doing and she still calls back one day to say how were over, and the next day apoligizing for being mean to me in front of my friends, or to find out where I am, or to say she loves me. The other day I told her online how she hurt me and how I planned everything for Valentines day and a vacation WHICH I might add we were supposed to leave tomorrow for ( a two night stay in NH ). I told her how I tried to make everything special for her but she didn't seem to care. I think that really affected her. She called back 6 times that night wondering where I was and what I was doing, I didn't pick up the calls because I knew I should not and get the ball in my court for a while but I gave in on the last one around midnight. She asked me where I was and told me how she did have something for me for valentines day. Then after she found I was home safe and sound and wasn't out finding other girls she yelled said we were over and that was the end of our conversation for the night. The funniest part was her away message said "getting drunk" when in 2 years of going out with her she never had that, it was obviously there to hurt me. She always says how she doesn't want to talk to me and wants me to stop bothering her, but yet she calls me back and picks up my calls, would she really do this if " didnt want me anymore" like she said or is this a big control thing like I said before, that's what my friends seem to think. I have asked many of my friends who are girls the same thing and they feel the same way about her loving me but after last year her wanting to be in control now, seeing how far she can push me etc, what do you think? Like I said before last Monday as in last week she brought me lunch and a sandwich she made for me to work, jumped on me in front of all of my co-workers and said she loves me bla bla bla, she was truelly happy I could tell even 2 of them commented on how they thought we were awesome together. I slept over her school the next night on Tuesday and returend to my school the next morning on Wenesday. We were stronger than ever then since last Wendneday. Then on Wednesday night the whole problem started which I described to you previously when the girl at her work said **** to her about how I was talking to this girl at her work behind her back ( obviously was never true and I have the convos online I found to prove this, my one friend went behind my back and told the girl at her work to do this. They have known each other for 10 years and she agreed, all because they aren't fond of me or my girlfriend, funny thing is neither of us did anything to them, guess some people are just imature, all my others friends always hang out with us and we all have an awesome time, they all have been screwed over by these people in particular as well, but anywaz that it was caused the argument )this has been going on so like a week and a half now since that night. All over something a girl said to her which isn't true. Feelings don't change like that from Monday and Tuesday to Wednesday. She also does have a huge insecurity problem and ego problem like you said, she has no reason to but she does, that is probably going into play as well. Maybe this will help you out a little more?? She said she doesn't care and doesn't want me yet since last Wenedsay let alone last Monday and Tuesday she has still done all these things I descibred about from seeing where I am , to putting up false away message. Granted she hasn't called in a whlie but she still does call on private numbers and pikcs up all my calls, every girl I have talk to said how it is obvious she still loves me and wants to be with me she is either trying to see how far she can push, or make me feel what she did last year, I don't know? All I know from doing the whole lunch thing and sleeping over her school things just don't change like that, then adding the calls to see where I am, and apoligizing for yelling and stuff, just doesn't happen if you truelly want out, I have been in many other relationship and this is just werid, please let me know what you think now?

I think that after you told her about the trip, she was hoping that you'd 'BEG' her to go with you. Since you did not, she's either angry at you or herself for messing this opportunity up. Give her time to cool down, and see if she comes to her senses. If not, then chuck it off as part of life's experience and go on with your life.

Unless you seriously plan to spend the rest of your life with her and fully trust her, don't stop advancing and getting to know other people as well.

You also might want to hint that she needs someone to talk to about her 'eruptions', someone who can help her realize that she is also going through a growing process and to help her cope with it better.

I'll be away for four weeks in hospital, when I return, I hope to hear good news from you. Until then, take care and do what your gut feelings tell you.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/8/8_9_22.gif

It sounds like the two of you have gone off in different directions for now. You've gone away to college and are having fun with your college friends and there's nothing wrong with that. It sounds like you have other fish to fry and there's nothing wrong with that either. I wouldn't feel guilty about it. Just let her know upfront and honestly what the score is and don't let her manipulate you with hysterics or any other type of reaction she may have. She needs to accept the fact that it's over and she needs to move on with her life just as you've done with yours.

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Originally Posted by Chery

I think that after you told her about the trip, she was hoping that you'd 'BEG' her to go with you. Since you did not, she's either angry at you or herself for messing this opportunity up. Give her time to cool down, and see if she comes to her senses. If not, then chuck it off as part of life's experience and go on with your life.

Unless you seriously plan to spend the rest of your life with her and fully trust her, don't stop advancing and getting to know other people as well.

You also might want to hint that she needs someone to talk to about her 'eruptions', someone who can help her realize that she is also going through a growing process and to help her cope with it better.

I'll be away for four weeks in hospital, when I return, I hope to hear good news from you. Until then, take care and do what your gut feelings tell you.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/8/8_9_22.gif

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Thanks for the advice it really helps out, you guys/girls really make a difference.

Father Chuck what's your view on the last thing I wrote to Chery, just trying to get a couple opinions to see what overall people think, thanks for the help.

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Originally Posted by s_cianci

It sounds like the two of you have gone off in different directions for now. You've gone away to college and are having fun with your college friends and there's nothing wrong with that. It sounds like you have other fish to fry and there's nothing wrong with that either. I wouldn't feel guilty about it. Just let her know upfront and honestly what the score is and don't let her manipulate you with hysterics or any other type of reaction she may have. She needs to accept the fact that it's over and she needs to move on with her life just as you've done with yours.

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The thing is though I do love her and would love to work things out, she is just so angry now she doesn't yet still does all the things I described in the above posts. She is home on weekends and so am I so its not really the college experience that is doing this, its more these stupid arguments. By her actions would you say she still loves me I mean mostly all my friends that are guys and girls say it is obvious she still does and she is just trying be controlling, you think she would really go through all those actions I described in the other posts if she was completely done with me? Also you don't go from Monday and Tuesday with the lunch and dinner to sleeping over and being perfect to nothing, I just don't see how how that happens. One of my friends had their boyfriend do this to her, after a couple weeks or a little more than month he came running back realizing how dumb he was. Idk maybe she is up to something like that to see how far she can push me. Either way after 2 years and me being the only guy she has had sex with I don't see the feelings changing like that, I think she is into a controlling stage, where she is trying to make me feel like she did last year when I was at school possibly seeing how far she can push me?

The problem with life and relationships is that there is no set pattern or rule to go by. If there were, then someone would be making millions on the book as we communicate right now.

There is no way of telling whether she is testing you, herself, or just on an emotional trip right now and will calm down sooner or later.

She does still have feelings for you, otherwise she would not torment herself or you with her reactions. It's all part of a growing process that we all go through and we all hope that we wind up 'normal' again somehow, some way.

Nothing in life is simple, we just have to try and make the best of it.
As long as we can look at ourselves in the mirror, be respectful, and by all means be true to ourselves, that's about all we can achieve in life to make it as comfortable as possible.

Just be reassured that we all go through a phase like this at some point and it's nothing new to humanity - it's just a fact.

Again, hang in there and keep us up to date - we'll be here for you to help you take this rough ride and make it as easy as possible.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/8/8_4_118.gifWe've all carried the weight in our lifetimes.

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Originally Posted by Chery

The problem with life and relationships is that there is no set pattern or rule to go by. If there were, then someone would be making millions on the book as we communicate right now.

There is no way of telling whether she is testing you, herself, or just on an emotional trip right now and will calm down sooner or later.

She does still have feelings for you, otherwise she would not torment herself or you with her reactions. It's all part of a growing process that we all go through and we all hope that we wind up 'normal' again somehow, some way.

Nothing in life is simple, we just have to try and make the best of it.
As long as we can look at ourselves in the mirror, be respectful, and by all means be true to ourselves, that's about all we can achieve in life to make it as comfortable as possible.

Just be reassured that we all go through a phase like this at some point and it's nothing new to humanity - it's just a fact.

Again, hang in there and keep us up to date - we'll be here for you to help you take this rough ride and make it as easy as possible.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/8/8_4_118.gifWe've all carried the weight in our lifetimes.

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Does anyone else have some opinions on this I am worried sick over it, can't stop thinking about her/wanting her back. You guys real feel she still loves me and this is a big control issue with her or what?

Bro, to answer some of your questions, why she would change like that and so on... women are deceiving. Let us see what we want to see. Your girl might have issues or emotional instability. Sound kind of like my story, which is reallyyyyyy long if you haven't checked it out already. I've been through the "night and day" trip, and honestly you can't understand it. No matter how much you love them or know them or how much they love u. only they know what's going on in their heads and you can not assume things for her. Now, for her calling you or returning your calls, I've been through it and don't get it myself. My ex cheated on me and is seeing that guy, and she called me wanting to work things out or wtv, you know what happened? Just more BS, lies and deceite. Your girl might be playing with u, and I do agree with you that if someone wants nuthing to do with you why would they answer your calls or return your calls and talk to you on the phone for 2 hrs and cry and all that crap. It makes no sense for someone to subject themselves to all that weight on their sholders for someone they say they don't want anymore or want nuthing to do with. All I can say is, it looks like she is CONFUSED. Young women change like the wind, still developing. Seriously bro, there isn't anything you can do. I know it sucks. I still feel like sh#it after 2 months of not being together, knowing she cheated on me and still with him and not to mention the previous 3 months of constant BS before the break up and I still have feelings for her? Don't DO THAT TO Yourself.

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Originally Posted by mattvit

bro, to answer some of ur questions, y she would change like that and so on.....women r deceiving. let us see what we want to see. ur girl might have issues or emotional instability. sound kinda like my story, which is reallyyyyyy long if u havent checked it out already. ive been thru the "night and day" trip, and honestly u can't understand it. no matter how much u love them or know them or how much they love u. only they know whats going on in their heads and u can not assume things for her. now, for her calling u or returning ur calls, ive been thru it and dont get it myself. my ex cheated on me and is seeing that guy, and she called me wanting to work things out or wtv, u know what happend? just more BS, lies and deceite. ur girl might be playing with u, and i do agree with u that if someone wants nuthing to do with u y would they answer ur calls or return ur calls and talk to u on the phone for 2 hrs and cry and all that crap. it makes no sence for someone to subject themselves to all that weight on their sholders for someone they say they dont want anymore or want nuthing to do with. all i can say is, it looks like she is CONFUSED. young women change like the wind, still developing. seriously bro, there isnt anything u can do. i know it sucks. i still feel like sh#it after 2 months of not beng together, knowing she cheated on me and still with him and not to mention the previous 3 months of constant BS b4 the break up and i still have feelings for her? DONT DO THAT TO URSELF.

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Yeah it's a bunch of bs to be honest, makes every second of the day suck, you probably know what I am talking about, I am just unsure as of where to go from here, I know she's not seeing someone else and I know that she obviously still has feelings for me, even her friends have told me this I just don't know what to do now.

Bro, there isn't anything you can do. Let her be. She knows where to find u. I know its hard. Trust me I really do. I'm even having trouble dealing with this after 2 month, and sometimes its even hard to take my own advise.

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Originally Posted by mattvit

bro, there isnt anything u can do. let her be. she knows where to find u. i know its hard. trust me i really do. im even having trouble dealing with this after 2 month, and sometimes its even hard to take my own advise.

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Yeah I know what your saying, its like for 2 hours I will be doing awesome then BAM I will be awful for 2 hours. Last night I went out and hung out with some girls for a little while, I mean for those couple hours nothing mattered I was drinking, laughing have a good time, the second I got home and laid in my bed the memories just started flooding back, and when I wake up in the morning its even worse. I love the girl to death its just so hard...

Do any girls my age on here have a view with what this girl is doing? Maybe you can read her and the way she has been acting. I am 19 years old and have never been so confused with a girl in my life, I wouldn't be worrying or stressing over this if I didn't love her to death, but seriously what is up?

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Originally Posted by markb3

The thing is though I do love her and would love to work things out, she is just so angry now she doesnt yet still does all the things i described in the above posts. She is home on weekends and so am I so its not really the college experience that is doing this, its more these stupid arguments. By her actions would you say she still loves me I mean mostly all my friends that are guys and girls say it is obvious she still does and she is just trying be controlling, you think she would really go through all those actions I descibed in the other posts if she was completely done with me?? Also you dont go from Monday and Tuesday with the lunch and dinner to sleeping over and being perfect to nothing, I just dont see how how that happens. One of my friends had their boyfriend do this to her, after a couple weeks or a little more than month he came running back realizing how dumb he was. Idk maybe she is up to something like that to see how far she can push me. Either way after 2 years and me being the only guy she has had sex with I dont see the feelings changing like that, I think she is into a controlling stage, where she is trying to make me feel like she did last year when I was at school possibly seeing how far she can push me??

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Well, perhaps that's what is happening here ; maybe she is trying to see how far she can push you. But do you really want to tolerate this? Do you want to deal with some obsessive control freak who'll walk all over you if you let her? I'd tell her to shove off and don't come back until she can show you a little respect. Keep on having fun with your college friends like you've been doing. If she wants to have a relationship with you after all, then lay down the law with her and tell her how things are going to be from the get-go ; no head games, 110% true-blue loyalty, etc. Then follow through with it. That way it gives you the power and she stops pushing your buttons ; otherwise you click your heels and walk away. If she doesn't want you to do that then she'll come around and stop her nonsense. Otherwise you write her off as a game-player and move on.