Hi My boyfriend and I have lived together for 3 years now and for the last 12 months he seems to have lost all interest in sex. We haven't even had a kiss or a cuddle since I can't remember. The only time he wants sex is when he's been out with his mates and is drunk and that's only maybe once every 2 or 3 months.

Ive tried everything I can think of but nothing works, and now myself esteem is hitting rock bottom (as it would). Im not ugly (not being big headed) and I'm slim and get compliments and such all the time but not from him.

I even thought of going elsewhere to get it as I'm so frustrated now its not funny anymore.
When I asked him if he still liked sex he said yes. Perhaps its just me he doesn't want sex with anymore, we used to quite a lot. He says he's stressed at work but that excuse is running thin now. I don't no what to do anymore. We have no physical contact whatsoever. We got to the point we don't even communicate now really. And if we do its probably in a row. When I mentioned to him il get it elsewhere he just grinned I thought he would hit the roof, or would maybe jolt him into realising that we all need physical contact sometime, but no

Ive asked my friends what to do and all they answer is leave him which isn't what I want to do really but I cannot deal with the no sex thing for much longer its getting to boiling point.

If he will not make an effort, and communicating isn't working, it really IS time for one of two things: Counseling or leaving.

Communication is key, and if it's not working between you, you need someone to help facilitate the communication: a counselor.

If one (or both!) of you is not willing to do that, then you may as well accept that the relationship is over--not from lack of sex, but from lack of communication and understanding.

There are lots of "legitimate" reasons for a decreased libido, and stress at work is one. That said... there comes a point when your lover says "i need more" that you either step up and change your life, or you say "too bad"...

He has, so far, told you "deal with it"... a BS answer.

I know how my lover smells, tastes, kisses. I know how she bites her lip and feels herself up when excited and I know how she does nothing when the days work ahead of her is preoccupying her mind while in bed. The mystery is somewhat gone. The chase is not as intense. We still chase some, but its not the same thing.

That said... its no excuse to leave your lover wanting and without. My partner and I are not on the same page all the time sexually. Generally I'm more amped... her schedule and daily demands wipes her out... if only there were 36 hour days. I'm not as satiated as often as id like, but I understand its less out of neglect, and more out of circumstances. I trust she loves me and is attracted to me. I believe it. That helps me through the "dry spells".

And I've had lulls myself. I'm usually amped, but occasional depression or stress can really kill my libido.

So... his excuse is legitimate to a point... but not a free pass. Its one thing to say "i am beat and exhausted. i promise we will find time this weekend to spend together and reconnect"... its quite another to say "im tired, figure it out yourself"...

So... what's next? A push, and then a decision.

A relationship worth saving is worth a little work, extending yourself. You've been initiating and getting poor results. Try something different. A different setting. A trip away. A change from the routine. Even try focusing on him alone.

If he doesn't reciprocate the effort, you quickly have your answer. I'm not one for keeping a chalkboard in the bedroom, but if my partner does right by me, and its clear she made an effort... you'd better believe she's going to see the same effort returned in favor soon.

And if he doesn't respond well to your focusing on him... then you have your answer.

Stay and accept you are with a lazy lover who is never going to initiate unless he is primed... or leave knowing that he might be a great guy who will never be willing to do the work you need and want in bed.

Unfortunately, even greay guys are sometimes idiots in the bedroom, and while a relationship isn't all about sex... sex isn't all about sex... its about connection, intimacy, sensuality, and balance. Yes... an orgasm or two in there is nice too...

But we are too short lived and too long gone to live our lives frustrated and angry.

Sometimes you need to do a little more work. And if that doesn't fix things, you need to start again.

Why are you staying with him? You're not married.

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Originally Posted by Choux

Why are you staying with him? You're not married.

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Lol. Sometimes unmarried people can have quite committed relationships Choux. :P Maybe she actually likes the guy.

Kez, you say you've tried initiating things? Have you tried new techniques, clothes etc? Anything to spark his interest. It might also help if you completely ignore him for a while and don't give in to his wants. Make him aware of what he's missing out on. Try dressing provocatively then completely dismissing him, with any luck it'll drive him wild. Anything to make him more aware of his desires. Keep trying for a while and see what responses you get.
If it's just loss of libido, tiredness, depression, distraction, stress etc, maybe an extra spark is all he needs to find those urges again.

There could be a lot of other reasons for his behaviour, as KP has said.
This is probably something that you need to talk to him about. Finding out what the problem is is the only way to fix it.

All the best,
Kal

Is he have an affair?

Thanku to all of you who taken the time to reply.
Kellyjo I thought he was at one point but I don't think he is and when I've approached the subject he gets all defensive and we end up rowin

All you can do is give a person the chance to do the right thing. As I mentioned, stress is a known killer of libido. Period. Been there myself.

That said, it doesn't mean you need to accept this as your fate. I've loved a couple of great women I could not be with long term because it wasn't a right fit... mostly bad timing... point is he can be a good guy who isn't right for you or who isn't willing to do the work to make this relationship work.

Sex isn't all there is in a relationship, but it crosses over to so many other regions of the relationship that it shouldn't be ignored. Lord knows it doesnt get any easier to have a balanced sex life when you have kids running around. It takes work and effort and focus.

Everybody gets into a rut now and then. Time for him to work his way out.

So I'm not one to tell someone just leave if things aren't right... you have a history and it seems this is a more recent problem from your description. But whether its stress, depression, performance anxiety, etc... he does get a choice. He can exhaust all avenues trying to make things right, or he can just hope you take the slack and just deal with it.

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Originally Posted by kez2411

Hi My boyfriend and I have lived together for 3 years now and for the last 12 months he seems to have lost all interest in sex. We havent even had a kiss or a cuddle since i can't remember. The only time he wants sex is when hes been out with his mates and is drunk and thats only maybe once every 2 or 3 months.

Ive tried everything i can think of but nothing works, and now my self esteem is hitting rock bottom (as it would). Im not ugly (not being big headed) and im slim and get compliments and such all the time but not from him.

I even thought of going elsewhere to get it as im so frustrated now its not funny anymore.
When i asked him if he still liked sex he said yes. Perhaps its just me he dosent want sex with anymore, we used to quite a lot. He says hes stressed at work but that excuse is running thin now. I dont no what to do anymore. We have no physical contact whatsoever. We got to the point we dont even communicate now really. And if we do its probably in a row. When i mentioned to him il get it elsewhere he just grinned I thought he would hit the roof, or would maybe jolt him into realising that we all need physical contact sometime, but no

Ive asked my friends what to do and all they answer is leave him which isnt what i want to do really but i cannot deal with the no sex thing for much longer its getting to boiling point.

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I know exactly what you mean..

But listen.. It doesn't mean he isn't interested in you.

I know the feeling, you feel like you are not sexy enough. See I am exactly the same, people are always complimenting me and he does too, but he just doesn't seem to want to have sex.. its been like 3 months for me!

I think the best thing to do in your situation (even though its hard when its been so long), is to reject the sex from him next time he comes home drunk. Instead, tease him by wearing a pare of really nice undies or something but don't give in! I know its hard. Then maybe one day don't go home at night.. just say you have been out with friends.

Let me tell you something.. you need to work at this relationship to find out if you need to let it go. Try out that strategy. But don't give in to him. If this doesn't work let me know.. haha I'm in the process of it too. Its starting to do its wonders.

Stress at work, this is interesting. True, stress can cause very many physical problems. Perhaps he does have a physical or mental problem, (not meaning he is whacko or anything) causing a block.
An affair, this is possible.

Leave and find someone that can take care of ALL of your needs. Him laughing about the statement of you going elsewhere and him taking offense to you asking about an affair, kind of points to that is what he is up to.
Go find you another.

A lot of times in relationships a couple starts having sex everyday (sometimes multiple times a day if they're really frisky) then things die down. Everyone gets into a rut and sometimes it can be hard to drag ourselves out of the rut.

If he is not having an affair and is not looking for it elsewhere then that is very good. If there is still something left between you I would suggest counseling, which can be a life saver to many relationships.

You can try shocking him, which can be fun in its own right. Have you tried sitting across the kitchen table completely naked when he comes home? Tried taking showers together and just allowing a small space to work for you? Tried stimulating him gently in the middle of the night so he wake up ready to go? Tried taking a walk in a secluded area then slowly leading him into something that is both forbidden and ectasy at the same time?

Also, while men are seen as these sex junkies, a lot of men do lose their libido, especially as they get older. There are supplaments out there to help increase the blood flow throughout the body, helping with arousal and stimulation. Yohimbe and L-Arginine are both very good.

Try taking him out to dinner at a quiet restaurant, or taking a picnic to a national/state forest. Parks and forests can be very beautiful and can help with stress and increase communication.

If he is open to the idea of a counselor, then find a couples one that can sort things out.

Good luck to you.