:eek: Someone close to me disciplines their young teen ("Joey") by various ways, one of which is especially bothersome to me, in order to discipline their teen for not following rules, which is along the lines of breaking or destroying property of the teen (a cell phone) or discarding an item the teen really values (a skateboard in good condition.) First, Joey is a sweet kid, a bit of an appeaser and somewhat manipulative. While he is not a fresh kid (except maybe to Mom) or one involved in bad acts (drugs, sex, thefts, hookie, etc. - that type of stuff), he can be very frustrating because he has a very short attention span, will "yes" his parents to death, and then will simply not follow through and will outright ignore the request. He also lies, saying he did a chore or his homework, when he did not. This a daily, all-day occurrence. And the parents are at their wits end. Joey is given a lot, but is expected to earn it. When he doesn't earn the right to go out, or enjoy the use of something, they would take it away, or he was grounded, depending what occurred. It finally all became ineffective, Joey is often non-plussed by the outcome and Joey continues to pretend to do what's expected of him. Mom finally flipped out one day and purposely broke his cell phone which was rather new (the issue surrounded a problem with his use of the cell phone). Today, he did not clean his room and take out the garbage as asked - having been home all day - and they just decided, that's it, and literally threw his skateboard in the garbage. These types of acts truly disturb me. I have firsthand knowledge as to Joey's behavior, and it is EXTREMELY frustrating. However, I believe there are several damaging things being accomplished here such as teaching him not to value hard-earned things; that it's okay to destroy or discard another's property; I believe it has to strip him of some self-esteem, confidence or other potentially positive character trait, and I think it is not a proactive method of getting their teen to respond positively to them nor respect them since I think it's a total lack of respect for the teen's property. I am no expert, and I just feel there will be other long-term repercussions from their son if they continue to treat his belongings this way. I've tried to give my opinion, but I don't know what else to say to hopefully get them to realize this could be very, very damaging in the long run. It almost makes me feel like he will soon turn to drugs, alcohol, thievery, or the like because of these very harsh reactions. I know they mean well, and they are just at their wits end. If I am not mistaken, he may have been diagnosed at one time with something like ADD, but not exactly that. He is quite capable of sitting still, not jumpy, etc. but he is not someone who can focus on books, school work or the like. He is totally an outdoors kid who will happily help you do the yardwork, building anything, and just loves to be active outdoors. The inside of a house or school is like a cage to this kid. No doubt all day long in school he is daydreaming about skateboarding, or baseball, or anything outdoors. I would appreciate someone's intelligent insight to this so can hopefully convince the parents that this is a totally wrong form of discipline. They say just depriving him of the use of something any more has no effect. Thanks for your help.

There is no one form of control that works with all kids, and with some kids no form will work. There needs to be positive reinforcement when they do good, but if they do not, taking away things and privages is a very good method that does have normally good efect if it is done properly. If the parents do not do it the same each time and do not agree and work together it will have little effect. But not allowing him to use a computer, or not allowing him to listen to his music or use a CD player, or use a skateboard is normally very effective forms of behavior control. And grounding someone to their room is also another one.

And they are not really "his belongings" they are his because the parents gave them to him but this is the most used and often one of the most highly recommended forms of punishments.

Make him work until he can't work anymore make him get tired of doing stuff he normally didn't do then he will start thinking about his choices next time trust me my grandpa a long time ago about 5 years ago he made me work all day on the week ends he woke me up at 6 a:m and I had to work outside all day he worked me like I had a real job the only break I had was when I had to eat or bathroom break and my time ended at 7 p:m I had to do it for three weeks and I stayed out of trouble for a long time

Yes, my favorite punishment was driving fence posts.

I agree that they should not throw away his stuff.
You said he is expected to earn what he gets so then when they destroy or throw away his stuff that is counterproductive and teaches him to feel what is the use of trying to earn anything. Even if he didn't work for what he gets it still teaches him to not appreciate the value of money.
If they do not have anywhere to store the stuff until he is off punishment they should see if they can store it at a grandparents or somewhere. Giving it away to a thrift store would even be better than throwing his stuff away.

Thank you all for your thoughtful and logical advice. I just don't want to see Joey learn something that the parents did not intend to teach him such as it is okay to destroy or discard things, especially when there are so many people who have very little. I really appreciate it.

I'm stuck thinking about the ADD-type thing he may have. What's been done about that?

I'm not sure that you saying anything to the parents will help. It may just make matters worse and cause them to become upset with you as well. Just be careful what you say and how you say it to them. Maybe you could try to spend some time with the child yourself and try to steer him in the right direction. Your right, it is wrong to destroy the child's belongings and it probably is going to teach him that this behavior is okay.

The parents aren't teaching him anything positive by damaging and throwing away his possessions (and aren't parents supposed to teach?? ). I'm guessing Joey is his own worst enemy when it comes to focusing and following through. (Btw, I'm married to a "Joey.") There are all sorts of positive things the parents can do even without using meds. Also, Joey is a teenage boy who is very active and alive when busy and outdoors, not when sitting still in a quiet room. The parents need to use Joey's talents and abilities (and yes, he has them) to everyone's benefit. One of the solutions might be for Joey to see a list of chores in print; often someone like him is very visual and compulsive, and has to be able to check off tasks on a list. The family needs to meet for some sessions with a counselor or an unbiased third party who works with these kinds of "problems" and different ways of understanding.

Yes, Confused1145, I agree, to be careful with approaching parents. Fortunately, I believe we can have a conversation about this, as in the past - but it always has to be delicate. Wondergirl, you are so right about his talents, and thankfully, they involve him in a lot of stuff. I love the list of written expectations, chores and rules they expect of him. I am hoping to relay that to them. I still have to ask about the ADD-type thing - I can tell you it's not ADD, but I can't recall what it is, or if he is even taking meds for that anymore - it was probably 3 yrs ago when they may have tried a course of treatment with him. Again, I don't think he's ADD at all, just someone who loves to be active outdoors.

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Originally Posted by sasssykatz

he's... just someone who loves to be active outdoors.

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You know, maybe he's just being a very high-energy boy! That's been the problem with education. The teachers like students who sit quietly and listen. They like students who like to raise their hands and who enjoy working in small groups. They like students who don't need constant overseeing and who do their homework and turn it in on time. In other words, teachers have traditionally preferred girls in their classes.

For that reason, schools are beginning to think about separate-gender classrooms. Then boys can learn in the ways that works best for them, and girls can do the same. Boys need lively, energetic, on-the-move, competititive activities; girls prefer quiet seatwork and group activities in which no one is the star.

And maybe it's time to ask Joey for some ideas on how he can learn the best way and what the punishment should be if he messes up.