I have been dating this guy for a little over 2 months and I really like him but recently we have had our first argument. Let me first catch you up on my life history.

I was with a man for 4 years and he turned out to be a very abusive person. Physically, mentally and emotionally. My best friend, Lindsay held my hand as I finally broke it off with him. A week went by and I was at Lindsay's house after work that whole week I was just too scared to be alone. I noticed that her husbands single brother had been over that whole week but I just didn't think anything of it until one night I had just got done checking my voice mail and heard this dreadful message from my ex which got me a really upset so I went outside. About 5 minutes later (the brother) comes outside and asked me if I was okay and just laid one on me. I was shocked but then again excited. We have been together since.

Well he is a newly truck driver and he is gone a lot. I talked to him every night and we see each other when he comes home and so far it hasn't been too bad then my life took another turn for the worst. My ex's brother who was only 26 had died. I loved my ex's brother like he was one of my own so I felt like I had to go to the funeral. I boyfriend said he didn't think it was such a good idea to go so I said I wouldn't well a week past and I had changed my mind. I tried to call my boyfriend 2 days in a row to let him know but he was in training and couldn't get ahold of him so when the weekend came I had completely forgot to tell him that I was going. I was only at the layout for 10 minutes and my ex wasn't even there. I called my boyfriend when I got out and he asked me what I did that day I told him that I went. We got into an argument because he says I lied to him I cried to him because I didn't feel like I lied to him and now he says that he doesn't trust me and I have to earn his trust back.

I can't believe this is happening so soon in the relationship what should I do? How can I make it up to him? How can I earn his trust back?

Well tell him you tried to call and he could no answer so it was not your falt and that he should not be mad at you

I'm of the opinion that one deserves to be trusted until shown otherwise.

At best this is just the guy being uncomfortable with the association with the ex. Hes being selfish to put himself first in this time when you're upset, but he feels what he feels.

Might just be best to chalk it up to this and no more until a pattern of distrust emerges.

I dated a girl who was still good friends with her ex boyfriend. Under most circumstances, I'm pretty OK with this. Had previously dated another girl who also was friends with the ex and no problems. But for some reason in the later relationship it just grated on me. She did nothing wrong. Gave me no reason to suspect she was messing around with him. But I just got the wrong vibes every time shed go back home and see him. We never fought about it, but I'm sure she could see it bothered me a few times.

So... since this relationship started under not the best circumstances (an ex leaving scarey messages) maybe the guy just isn't sure you know what you want.

But if he pushes this hard you've got to let him know you owe him no apologies for wanting to be there for your memory and feelings for the ex's brother. If he can't give you that then he's too concerned about himself.

Just don't let him guilt you into feeling bad about this. You told him what you did, you didn't hide it, and you don't need to apologize anyway.

And you know what's its like to be in a contolling, abusive relationship. I have a great friend who went through 2 marriages that were abusive. It was hell to see her go through it twice. Luckily she finally found the right guy.

If he keeps pushing the issue Id push right back hard. You don't need to apologize for being emotionally upset and for making a last minute choice to attend the service. Would he prefer that you regret not attending for the rest of your life?

So if he keeps insisting that he just cannot trust you... well then can you trust him?

I am also in a new relationship and my man said sometimes he trust me and sometimes he don't. Finally I told hin I cannot be with anyone who cannot trust me. We are still together as of today. If your boyfriend cannot trust you then maybe it is not a good relationship to be in. I know he may believe you lied but your phone bill should prove to him that you tried to call him. Hope this helps.

Two months isn't very long, and it can be tough to see if someone is trustworthy in that amount time.

Was it really impossible to leave a message for him somewhere?
No voicemail? Not even a post-it-note on the fridge?

His reaction does seem harsh, and it could be viewed as a red flag that things are not going to work out.

Yes, first take this relationship slowing since you are getting into one so soon after getting out of a really bad one. But yes good relatonships have all sorts of disagreements and long distance relationships have more than those that are not as long distance.

I agree - red flag. Everyone should be allowed to a funneral.

I would defintely think about this one.

I don't think, at 2 months, he has any rigtht to ecpect what you do or where you go, you guys are in the dating stage.

And talking every day? That's a lot for 2 months. Seems kind of controlling.

Calmly and rationally apologize to him and explain why you did what you did. Explain to him how you did try to contact him and let him know that you had changed your mind but weren't able to get in touch with him. Explain to him that you felt you needed to be there. Personally I'm not sure I agree with your decision but you did what you felt you had to do. You weren't trying to sneak around behind his back. Assure him that you have no more feelings whatsoever for your ex and remind him that the ex wasn't even at the funeral, at least not during the time you were there. Keep in mind, however, that if the two of you eventually become serious you will have to be open and upfront with him about things whether you can get in touch with him or not and may have to refrain from doing certain things for the peace and harmony of your relationship. I don't think you're at that stage yet but you may be eventually.

Hi,
As others have said, two months isn't really a long time to get to know someone; that's only about 8 weeks!
It takes time to get to know each other, and it's possible that either of you won't be attracted to the other when you know more about each other.
Trust has to be shown, over a matter of time. Getting to trust each other also comes with time.
Give yourself awhile, and see if this relationship is really what you both want.
I do wish you the best, and good luck.

First off its none of his business what you decide to about personal matters and I think it was showing a lot of nerve to accuse you of something without the chance to even hear or consider your side. Secondly after 2 months and still fresh from a bad break-up it is important that you go slow with this new b/f and don't let him control you with his attitudes, show him you do not answer to him or anyone else and be willing to walk away from this relationship if it even looks like he has issues. You don't need this kind of drama now or ever and if he can't be mature enough to even listen, say good-bye.:cool:

Trust is NOT MADE its EARNED!! You have to EARN that trust, and if you haven't done anything to make him not trust you, that is called insecurity on HIS part, do NOT confuse the two.

Hi,
I agree with the answer before mine. Trust is earned, and if he isn't willing to give it a chance, then look for another relationship with someone else. I do wish you the best of luck.

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Originally Posted by Allison2321

I have been dating this guy for a little over 2 months and I really like him but recently we have had our first argument. Let me first catch you up on my life history.

I was with a man for 4 years and he turned out to be a very abusive person. Physically, mentally and emotionally. My best friend, Lindsay held my hand as I finally broke it off with him. A week went by and I was at Lindsay's house after work that whole week I was just too scared to be alone. I noticed that her husbands single brother had been over that whole week but I just didn't think anything of it until one night I had just got done checking my voice mail and heard this dreadful message from my ex which got me a really upset so I went outside. About 5 minutes later (the brother) comes outside and asked me if I was okay and just laid one on me. I was shocked but then again excited. We have been together since.

Well he is a newly truck driver and he is gone a lot. I talked to him every night and we see each other when he comes home and so far it hasn't been too bad then my life took another turn for the worst. My ex's brother who was only 26 had died. I loved my ex's brother like he was one of my own so I felt like I had to go to the funeral. I boyfriend said he didn't think it was such a good idea to go so I said I wouldn't well a week past and I had changed my mind. I tried to call my boyfriend 2 days in a row to let him know but he was in training and couldn't get ahold of him so when the weekend came I had completely forgot to tell him that I was going. I was only at the layout for 10 minutes and my ex wasn't even there. I called my boyfriend when I got out and he asked me what I did that day I told him that I went. We got into an argument because he says I lied to him I cried to him because I didn't feel like I lied to him and now he says that he doesn't trust me and I have to earn his trust back.

I can't believe this is happening so soon in the relationship what should I do? How can I make it up to him? How can I earn his trust back?

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It's not unusual that when someone comes out of an abusive relationship, they stumble into another type of abuse - and let it happen. Don't let this happen to you.

You did nothing wrong, and if he won't listen, then write him a note. Also when you get the chance, explain that you've gone through a lot, and don't intend to ever let a situation like the past take control over you again, no matter how great the man is. You are an independent young lady who has a right to go and do what she wants without being controlled one way or the other and you need to make this plain.

If this is not convincing enough for you yet, maybe therapy for you so that you will not be walking around with that invisible sign "go ahead and kick me while I'm down". A lot of us abused women take a long time to get rid of that sign and gain our self-respect back.

Stop crying, hold your head up, and stand your ground. As I said - you did nothing wrong.

Good luck dear, and keep us posted.


http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_9_16.gifBy the way what was he doing those two days he was away?? - 24 hrs a day work?? And couldn't be reached??

You did nothing wrong. It was YOUR choice to go to the funeral. You are your own person and you did try to contact him. I think it is true that there are different types of abuse and many women go from one form of abuse to another. There is not a need to apologise. YOU DID NOTHING WRONG. I know you got lots of different advice, but any advice that tells you to apologise is not good advice. You tried contacting him, could not and you went to the funeral. Good for you, for making your own decision to do what was important to you. YOU CAN NOT MAKE OR FORCE ANYBODY TO TRUST YOU. Yes, it is normal to have doubts but the man your talking about does sound controlling. I am not telling you to do anything except what you think is right. You obvously by the sounds of it wants to work things out. Communication between both of you are very important. If it is only one person, then it will not last.

Joe