Hi everyone this is my first post and I need some help... I've been looking all over the internet every where for something to put my mind to rest this seems like the best place for now.
Im so confused I've been with a girl for four years now. We've done everything together and I knew since the first date this girl was the one for me. I mean everything about us just seemed to really work. All of my friends were either disgusted by how close we were or completely jealous. Im 21 and she's 20 in just another month. We were each others first sexual partner and that was something I was so proud of I mean not a lot could say that.
I guess things started to fall apart a little while ago first it was just the sex kind of started falling apart she didn't like it anymore or most of the time she didn't but I figured we'd work on it I mean that wasn't the most important thing anyway. But this summer after we got back from school things started to get a little weird she started getting mad at me like she never had before. I mean to the point she wouldn't say I love you which was something she never had not said to me.
But I guess to make a long story a bit shorter I found out she cheated on me this past week. With a guy she had met at her work. She wouldn't tell me who and still won't but she says that she wants nothing to do with him now. I never thought she could do that I mean I can hardly believe it now.
But the messed up thing is it still hurts more that she doesn't want to try to work things out together than it does that she cheated. I really love this girl I mean maybe too much. She said that she just needs a break to be single for a little while figure things out. She knew I was going to probably propose to her later this year before we went back to college and I almost wonder if that scared her now she kept saying she was scared of being trapped. She told me that if I had ever cheated on her than she would have dumped me right away. I've never really got mad at her I'm just not that kind of person and every time she would get mad at me and yell I wouldn't and that would bug her and I feel like now that I won't scream at her for cheating on me its making her feel worse which is part of why she doesn't feel like she told me "she doesnt deserve me and i deserve someone better" but I don't see it like that she's always been nicer to me than anyone ever has.
She wants to be friends now and I mean she's my best friend has been this whole time we were dating. We've talked a few times and each time we talk in the morning and hang out for the rest of the day and have a blast with each other like always just I have had to make a mental effort to not hold her hand or kiss her. When we got back we laid in bed for a few minutes holding each other and I asked her once more if she was sure about everything and she just burst out in tears worse than she had during the whole thing and when she finally pulled it together she told me she felt it had to be this way for now.
I don't get it I mean I know she loves me and I know she regrets what she did and I know there are so many reasons for it in her mind but I just don't understand it I don't understand any of it I was cheated on yet I want to work through it together she cheated on me after years of being faithful and a great relationship and she says she needs time and space yet she still wants to hang out with me.

Im lost I really love this girl I have never doubted that I do. She hasn't been able to take down any of our pictures in her room (there are a lot) and she said she can't loose me as a friend which I don't want either.

I guess I'm just asking for any advice at all from anyone and do you think a break for a short time could make things better for us because of what's going on?

Please help a fool that can't understand the one person he thought he did

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Originally Posted by memorypill

Hi everyone this is my first post ive been looking all over the internet every where for something to put my mind to rest this seems like the best place for now.
Im so confused ive been with a girl for four years now. Weve done everything together and i knew since the first date this girl was the one for me. I mean everything about us just seemed to really work. All of my friends were either disgusted by how close we were or completely jealous. Im 21 and shes 20 in just another month. We were each others first sexual partner and that was something i was so proud of i mean not a lot could say that.
I guess things started to fall apart a little while ago first it was just the sex kinda started falling apart she didnt like it anymore or most of the time she didnt but i figured we'd work on it i mean that wasnt the most important thing anyways. but this summer after we got back from school things started to get a little weird she started getting mad at me like she never had before. i mean to the point she wouldnt say i love you which was something she never had not said to me.
But i guess to make a long story a bit shorter i found out she cheated on me this past week. with a guy she had met at her work. She wouldnt tell me who and still wont but she says that she wants nothing to do with him now. I never thought she could do that i mean i can hardly believe it now.
But the messed up thing is it still hurts more that she doesnt want to try to work things out together than it does that she cheated. I really love this girl i mean maybe too much. She said that she just needs a break to be single for a little while figure things out. she knew i was going to probably propose to her later this year before we went back to college and i almost wonder if that scared her now she kept saying she was scared of being trapped. she told me that if i had ever cheated on her than she would have dumped me right away. ive never really got mad at her im just not that kind of person and every time she would get mad at me and yell i wouldnt and that would bug her and i feel like now that i wont scream at her for cheating on me its making her feel worse which is part of why she doesnt feel like she told me "she doesnt deserve me and i deserve someone better" but i dont see it like that shes always been nicer to me than anyone ever has.
She wants to be friends now and i mean shes my best friend has been this whole time we were dating. we've talked a few times and each time we talk in the morning and hang out for the rest of the day and have a blast with eachother like always just i have had to make a mental effort to not hold her hand or kiss her. When we got back we layed in bed for a few minutes holding eachother and i asked her once more if she was sure about everything and she just burst out in tears worse than she had during the whole thing and when she finally pulled it together she told me she felt it had to be this way for now.
I dont get it i mean i know she loves me and i know she regrets what she did and i know there are so many reasons for it in her mind but i just dont understand it i dont understand any of it i was cheated on yet i want to work through it together she cheated on me after years of being faithful and a great relationship and she says she needs time and space yet she still wants to hang out with me.

Im lost i really love this girl i have never doubted that i do. She hasnt been able to take down any of our pictures in her room (there are a lot) and she said she can't loose me as a friend which i dont want either.

I guess im just asking for any advice at all from anyone and do you think a break for a short time could make things better for us because of whats going on?

please help a fool that can't understand the one person he thought he did

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Whooo... I'm sorry that you are having to go through this. You obviously have strong feelings for her and I'm sure she does too. The fact remains that she did cheat and a lot of emotion goes behind cheating. First off... she had to be open to the idea of sleeping with someone else. And to be drained enough from your present relationship to sacrifice it.. says that there may be too much missing from the relationship already. She is relatively young and so are you. She's at a point in her life were she wants to experience life and now has the courage to do so. Also something.. someone to compare to. If the two of you are meant to be together.. you will be. Life has an extraordinary quality... if it plans for you to be somewhere or with someone... that's where you'll be.

Thank you so much for your input so far I just I don't know who to talk to about this whole situation I mean even if I told anyone I don't think anyone would believe me. Everyone myself included thought we were the real deal.

I understand that something really had to be missing for her to want to explore other areas on her own. I know I need to let her do this but I'm having such a hard time dealing with it I love everything about her (well minus what just happened I never thought that would come out)

Im so close to her and her family her parents have always treated me like a son and have especially this year told me numerous times that they see me as part of the family they have always been so great to me.

I just don't know what I should do my faith that we can be together again sometime is what's getting me through this. Were still so close I don't know what I should do

Wow man, I don't even know where to start because you obviously care for this girl a lot. I don't think she desrves you at all, you were faithful through the whole relationship. Opinion is that she doesn't feel sorry she cheated, sorry she got caught. How sure are you this is the first time she has done something with another guy? How do you know she wouldn't do it again. And now all of a sudden she wants to be single after this? Smells a little sketchy to me.

Well she told me about what happened I didn't 'catch' her. I know she never cheated on me before because honestly we've spent most of our free time together over the years period and she never really even hung out with other guys we always talked about how we thought it just brought problems (oh how I want to say I told you so to her).
See I've always been one of those hopeless romantics and I really did everything for her. The never doing it again to me you know I'm not sure I think it was just that she had never been with anyone else and I would like to tell myself it was a curiosity and stupid thing I know she feels bad about it.
See that's part of the problem I think she wants the break at least partly because of what happened I know her and I know she feels aweful about it and she said something along the lines of the fact that she didn't deserve me because of it.
I love this girl too much I guess because it really hurts more to loose her than it does that she cheated (dont get me wrong that one hurts a whole hell of a lot but just not as much as losing what we had) I think she had been thinking about everything for a little while she has a friend at work who got married right out of high school and she's kind of misserable now (they had a kid which is why they got married and is partly in my opion why they are so missearable they can't afford a kid yet)
So I really don't know what to do.


Thank you though for your input I really need all that I can get.

16 year olds and 20 year olds are different creatures. I'm sorry you love her so much. I'm not sorry she cheated on you because she had this in her and you needed to see it.

Better now than later.

You have dated one person and really have no idea what a healthy mature relationship is. You only know this one long one. There is SO much about girls and interacting and compromise and evaluating and yourself you still have to learn, it was never going to happen while you are with someone who ultimately doesn't share your vision.

Simply put - you two love each other but aren't "it". By the time I was your age I had had 3 significant girls in my life and the 3rd had taught me so much about women and myself, my next girl became my wife.

That's not an accident. It's unrealistic to think a high school romance can teach you all you need to know to be successful in love.

I know you want to salvage what you've had, and I'm sorry that desire is so strong. Without it, you could be learning so much more and eventually have so much more to offer. Even SHE seems to have realized there is much she needs to experience she can't while still attached to you.

I hope you embrace your situation and look out at this vast world of opportunity. It's actually pretty amazing once you start paying attention.

I understand were still young but this isn't my first long term relationship I had been with a couple other girls growing up that lasted for a while. Those relationships were the ones that allowed me to know so quickly with this one. We had been dating since we were both about 16 yes but actually my parents were married when they were only 22 and they have been together for a long time.
I mean I know there is a lot out there much that I haven't seen or done I'm not saying I'm the worlds most enlightened 21 year old but I truly love this girl which is why it is so hard right now its not just that I'm going to miss the fun things we did but it's that I'm going to miss everything and I feel like a huge part of me is missing. I wanted to experience the world but I wanted to do it with her.

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I wanted to experience the world but I wanted to do it with her.

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The hardest thing we do as humans is to accept what life throws at us. You may have all the feelings in the world, but when its time to change and do things differently, you just have to. Trust me this isn't the last time you will have to make adjustments you don't want to but like all things in life, YOU HAVE LITTLE CHOICE in the matter.

I can only wish you luck, and suggest you read the links in my signature, and learn how others have coped in your situation. Let me know if it helps.

Thanks to you all again for your advice id still like to hear anything anyone has to say about it.
I hate where I am right now I know she loved me so much just like I still love her I just need to figure things out I guess

I think what you both need is a little time apart. Take some time, go no contact with each other and use that time to heal, go out with friends and experience all the world has to offer. When my ex broke up with me, I thought my whole world crumbled and there was no reason to wake up anymore as nothing would be the same. Nothing is the same, but each day got better, I took the time I had alone and did things she wouldn't allow me to do, met new people and through that met a terrific girl who I am currently dating. Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can come together. Keep your head up and keep us updated on how you are doing.

Thank you again all for your help. I know most everyone says do the no contact but I don't think I'm quite ready for that yet I've talked to a few close friends (girls) that have done the same thing jeesh I always thought us guys were supposed to be the evil ones in the relationships but I talked to a few girls that did the same thing or close and they all said that they're guy they dumped stayed close which made them realize what they were giving up and one is back with the original guy and the other just got married to the original guy. I hope I'm not making a mistake but I'm seeing her again today later I personally am not ready for no contact yet we'll see what happens maybe I will be soon enough.

Thanks again to all that have commented.

I got back with my girlfriend and while I was apart I spent a lot of time here just wondering how to get the girl back... I spent 8 months apart and the last 5 were total no contact... Now I am back with the girl and things are going rather smooth. Hope this helps.

Every thing helps honestly.
Lately I think a lot of other people had been giving her attention (she is a good looking girl) and it made her feel good and when they wanted to hang out with her she felt bad or she felt like she couldn't (I never said no you can't and never stopped her but we had always talked about how we felt it wasn't good for a dating couple to go out and hang out one on one with members of the opisite sex) so I think part of her really wanted to do that and it grew and became a problem for us.
Im hopeing that if she starts to do this now she will realise that hanging out with groups is fun but that if she hangs out with other guys that she will miss me. I know she loves me I just think she wants to go without having to feel like she's doing something wrong.
I don't even know if I'm really making sense anymore. I know what I want and I feel its one of those times in my life that if I push to hard for it, for her, ill just push her away.