Hey there everyone. I've been going through a lot recently and getting a lot of help from websites like this, so I thought I'd post and describe where I am right now.
Split up with a girl at the start of this year after a very long relationship. She was my first love, and my only one. The past few months have been horrible beyond description. Not sadness, but stress. Constantly blaming myself. Looking back and thinking how I could have fixed it. Looking at mistakes I thought I'd made, times when we could have taken different paths, points in my life when I could have settled down earlier, done things differently. Looking at what I'd lost, and blaming, blaming myself for everything. The stress has been incredible. I lost a stone and a half. Couldn't do a scrap of work. Walking round with a knot in my chest, all the time, so stressed out. Without exaggeration it's been the worst 6 months of my life.
Yesterday I was in an internet café looking at some sites, and I read a post where someone describes what we go through when relationships end. It was great, described what I was feeling so well... and something snapped. I welled up, and had to dart out of the café and go home. I got back, and started crying. The past 6 months I've barely cried at all, and once I started I couldn't stop at all. There was nothing complex about it, no worrying, no stress, I was just crying, crying for my lost love and the life we had. I said her name out loud, said I miss you, I miss you, my love, my babe. I couldn't stop. I paced the flat, I curled up, I hugged myself, crying, missing her so much. There were no thoughts in my head at all. I was just pining for the girl I'd been in love with for so long. I picked up my phone and scrolled to her number, then snapped the phone shut. I scrolled through to some of our friends, her parents, thought I'm going to call them, find out about her, find out if there's a chance for us, then snapped it shut again. All the while, tears streaming out.
I had to phone somebody, and I called a good friend, still in bits, still crying. I didn't make much sense at first, he was shocked, what the hell is going on? We talked, about the whole thing, and I admitted everything. How much I missed her, how much I wanted her back, the hole in my heart where she used to be, how lonely I was without her in my life. My friend was there for me, and listened.
After a while, he reminded me, gently, of the times during the end of the relationship when I'd phoned him and told him that we weren't getting on like we used to. How near the end we were avoiding each other, doing our own things, not talking. Not going out together. How I was staying up late, staying out with the guys. He reminded me of the time I phoned him up drunk, up alone while she was in bed, and told him that we just weren't getting on anymore. Then I told him how I'd barely cried since we split, how much I'd been bottling up, and he said I was a fool.
And I suddenly thought - what made you think that this wouldn't hurt? What made you think that you could get through this without crying, without missing her? Why have you been bottling this up, and not letting it out? And I cried some more, missing her, holding on to the phone, wishing I was with her again.
After a few more tears, we were laughing about something. He cracked some jokes, some about her, and I laughed. We talked about things that are good in my life. After a little while I was calmer and he said to me, everything else aside, taking out every other detail, it gets down to one thing. Once the love is gone, well, that's the end. Nothing else matters, how comfortable you are, how well you get on with each other's family, how many common friends you have, how much you want to be with someone, anyone. Once the love is gone, then you're just friends, and it has to end. Of course, that doesn't mean it isn't going to hurt! It hurts like hell, whether you finished it or she did, because there was something beautiful in your life and now it is gone. It's going to sting. And you just have to let that out, let it all out, or it will drive you crazy and you will never move on with your life.
And that's where I am now. After reading a hundred posts about how we need to let go, how we need to cry, allow ourselves time to grieve what is lost, I reached my time and something just gave within me. After reading a hundred pieces of advice about not beating myself up, about loving myself and realising that this is not the end of the world, something just yielded inside and I knew, I knew she was gone, and that whatever else had happened I simply missed her.
So I'm going to add my voice to the list. Let it out. Allow yourself time. You will heal. This is life, this is what it is to be human. It's not your fault. It will hurt, and you will cry, and that's the way it goes. How could it be any other way?
Realise that the reason for the pain is the reason we fall in love at all. It's only because we can feel love that we feel so bad when it's gone. You're still here, you're still feeling. And for that reason, it will come again. One day, you will find yourself laughing with someone, and you'll catch a glance and feel something inside that you haven't felt for a long time. And maybe they'll feel the same spark, and you'll do something about it, go for drink together, see a film, hell, just fall into bed together. Start something.
And after that, well, off you go again.
Go steady you lot. X
