Ask Me Help Desk - Am I wrong?

Hello Board,

I decided to turn to a forum since I used this method before for other issues.
I am recently married (3 weeks). I am 51 and my husband is 54. The original wedding date is next month and since we made plans for this date (photographer, honeymoon, dress) we are getting married again in a month, but did so sooner since he got ill and had no health insurance. I was previous married 3 times, the last time to an alcoholic who turned into a cocaine user. I eventually divorced him after a year of trying to change him and realized that wasn't going to happen. I met a guy via internet and we started dating. Everything was good and he was different than anyone else I dated. This guy was funny, smart and educated. After 3 months of dating my "now" husband, I had to go to court to resolve some issues with the "X". The court told my "X" that he could live in the house with me. When I heard that I freaked and my attorney made the agreement that he would live there and relinquish me from paying for the house and that the "X" would buy me out. I then was left with the mission to move. The "X" was moving in within 2 days. I had no place to go, no money and my credit was ruined because he had a repo which was under my name. My "now" husband told me that I could move in with him, but not with my daughter who was 15 at the time. I spoke to her dad and he agreed to take her. When I moved I could only take one of my three dogs. My daughter was able to take one to her dad's home and I had to leave one with the "X". I moved in to my new location and was given a bedroom. My "now" husband decided when I moved in it would be better to sleep apart since he could not sleep and I had to get up in the morning for work. He also accused me of having orgasims in my sleep! Of course this never happened while we were dating. When we have sex he comes in my room and leaves me after we were done. I am not trying to make him sound horrible. He doesn't leave immediately but after a while. My husband also has some medical problems and has never had an orgasm with me. I dealt with the situation as best I could. My daughter comes over every other weekend but can only stay one night... those are the rules. She can't sleep in the bed with me and I have to send her to the other bedroom which is a mother-in law quarters. My husband is nice to her but very detached. My husband was married once at 40 and divorced at 47. He married his friends wife. His x wife had a child around 9 at the time he married her. I know my husband has issues 'cause he brings up BS about his X"s child and to me it seems he was very jealous of the little girl. Anyway, I try and deal with all this and I know that I am not able to tell him anything 'cause he just doesn't want to know. The dog I left with the X husband got pregnant (the "s child and to me it seems he was very jealous of the little girl. Anyway, I try and deal with all this and I know that I am not able to tell him anything 'cause he just doesn't want to know. The dog I left with the X husband got pregnant (the " has a male dog not neutered) even though I gave him money to spay her. I was able to get the pups from the " has a male dog not neutered) even though I gave him money to spay her. I was able to get the pups from the " as the living conditions were horrible. My daughter and I were able to give them to good homes. My husband has no idea about this. Apparently the " as the living conditions were horrible. My daughter and I were able to give them to good homes. My husband has no idea about this. Apparently the " is still on drugs and my old home is destroyed. Now the home is in foreclosure.
The other day I was riding in my " is still on drugs and my old home is destroyed. Now the home is in foreclosure.
The other day I was riding in my " husbands vehicle. When he opened the center console I saw an e-mail with his x wife's name on it. I didn't say anything until the next day. When I got home he wasn't talking to me. I put it out on the table and he said I was being ridiculous and he already told me he does not want the past brought up. All I did was ask a question as to what it was and does he still talk to her. I got the paper out of the car and yes he was innocent. The paper had directions on it which he kept. I wanted to talk to him because I didn't think asking a question was wrong. The X told me to "get lost" husbands vehicle. When he opened the center console I saw an e-mail with his x wifes name on it. I didn't say anything until the next day. When I got home he wasn't talking to me. I put it out on the table and he said I was being ridiculous and he already told me he does not want the past brought up. All I did was ask a question as to what it was and does he still talk to her. I got the paper out of the car and yes he was innocent. The paper had directions on it which he kept. I wanted to talk to him because I didn't think asking a question was wrong. The X told me to "what do you want". I closed the door and cried all night in my room. I can't talk to him about anything. Everything in life has to be cut and dry with him. I have had a horrible life. I know what it is to be on the bottom, to be poor and to struggle. His life has been so different, although his business (he works from home) is not doing well and he is running out of money. Then there is the issue of finances. I give him 700 a month, pay for his health insurance of 400 a month and buy food which runs around 500 a month. I take home 2800 a month and have bills to pay in addition to paying for my daughter's horse who I refuse to give up. I had a truck and he told me to get rid of it and have it repo'd. I gave the truck (leased) to my son who is paying for it. He leased me a smaller vehicle in his name. I am not allow to wear anything sexy or wear a dress to work. Am I the one who is wrong?:confused:

No you are not wrong. I can understand sleeping in different beds... occasionally when he is having problems sleeping but it sounds like you are in a dictatorship instead of a marriage.
Why do you give him $700. A month? Is it because he NEEDS it or is it because that why he can control your being able to save money for yourself?

He tells me that I have to help pay the bills.:rolleyes:

You do have to help pay the bills where you live. There's no issue here with rent.
You do have to follow the rules when you are in someone else's home. There are no issues here with sleeping arrangement and pets and visitors. His house, his rules.

However, reading your story I would sum it up this way:
"You married a man you thought was better than your ex husband, in some ways he is, but now that you live with him you're miserable. He treats you like a tenant, doesn't acknowledge you as an equal, is controlling in ways that effect my existing family, is cold, aloof, and what finances he did have are slowly unravelling."

Is that accurate?

Look, I'm a HUGE supporter of "save the marriage first" but that has to be based on some sort of common ground. What is your non-emotional common ground? Your paycheck? Your lack of backbone?

THIS is the guy you want to spend eternity with? Can you briefly convince us of that? Do you have those facts to present... without long drawn out pleas?

Without hearing the overwhelming evidence to the other side, going by your story above alone, I'd be backpedaling NOW and putting a hold on this bus. He doesn't seem interested in YOU, just what you can do for him. If that's OK with you, then what can we do for you? He isn't going to change, so what is it you think we can help you with?

We can help you be strong enough to stay and stand up to him, asserting your own needs and rules.
We can help you be strong enough to leave and figure out on your own how to undo this mess.
We can help you deal with the mental stress of just staying in this situation, though nothing will change much, give you a place to vent since you will definitely need it.
How do you want us to help?

I think I would save as much money as I could and then start making decisions like not only do I want separate rooms but I want separate his and her homes.

I am miserable sometimes. He doesn't talk to me at all. I am not able to discuss any of the past. He can't deal with stuff as he calls drama. I have to move my daughter's horse because she is having a problem at the barn. I can't tell him that. He will never be my best friend. When I come home I listen to him. He works out of his house so there is no one there for him to talk to. I have co-workers who I can talk to at times. I don't tell them my personal business because it's not necessary. I exercise 2 x's a week, I wanted to go 3 but he says I can't because I need to spend time with him. I do everything I am told to do and follow all his rules. Sometimes I feel like a child with no rights. I have to constantly hide things under the bed because he doesn't want things on the dresser and there is not enough room for me to store stuff in the bedroom. I also can't stand the fact that he has 2 boxes filled with his x wife's stuff. Of course I am never to mention the past so I live with what I have. What does he give me? A roof over my head and a car to drive to work. If I left I could rent a room but I would have no vehicle. If I took my truck back from my son A. I can't afford the payment ($700.00) and B. My son would have no vehicle. I have no money and can't buy a piece of crap. He does make me coffee in the morning and will grill or make me a salad. Trust me, that's a lot more than I have ever gotten. He also doesn't cheat or look at porn. That's a plus in my eyes. He does his own laundry and I do mine. The sleeping in separate beds bothers me. I go to bed alone. He takes the dog in his room and she is not allowed on the bed. I try to accept things. I try to give one word answers cause I really feel like my opinion or say so doesn't matter. It is what it is.:(

You shouldn't have to 'accept' things it is YOUR marriage as well as his so he should not set the rules and you have no input for him to consider.

It is your marriage and your happiness.
If it gets really bad could you move in with your son or daughter?
My x pulled 'the car in his name' bit. It is so that you are stranded and at their mercy.

My oldest daughter recently located to another state. My son is struggling and rents a room. I have no family.

When you got married it became "our house". Equity baby, one of the only remaining marital benefits that aren't emotional. You didn't sign a pre-nuptual agreement did you?

Either you require he change and then enforce the changes you need or you leave and figure it all out as you go. You deserve more than just a roof and an occasional salad.

What is your goal?
- Stay and live it with it (we can offer a shoulder)
- Stay and MAKE some changes (we can encourage backbone)
- Leave and figure out a better life
=============
SIDE ISSUE:
You CAN buy a piece of crap car, they are UNBELIEVABLY affordable to own. I'll never understand $500+ a month car payments ($6000+ a year) when $1000 will BUY a piece of crap you can drop a couple $100 into here and there to keep running. Repairs/Upkeep can be paid for on what you save on insurance alone! How is $200 a few times a year NOT better than $6000 a year? Somebody convince me!

I agree you can buy a very decent car for 2 to 3 thousand dollars. Even if they need some repairs occasionally it is nothing like making car payments.
Guys tune me out, guys don't do much for me, even though I will pamper a guy to death
But you need more since you are married.
It can be like being alone in a crowd. I think it is easier to be alone than alone with somebody. He really is emotionally abusing you no matter how good you try to convince yourself you have it with him.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Raven2008

Hello Board,

I decided to turn to a forum since I used this method before for other issues.
I am recently married (3 weeks). I am 51 and my husband is 54. The original wedding date is next month and since we made plans for this date (photographer, honeymoon, dress) we are getting married again in a month, but did so sooner since he got ill and had no health insurance. I was previous married 3 times, the last time to an alcoholic who turned into a cocaine user. I eventually divorced him after a year of trying to change him and realized that wasn't going to happen. I met a guy via internet and we started dating. Everything was good and he was different than anyone else I dated. This guy was funny, smart and educated. After 3 months of dating my "now" husband, I had to go to court to resolve some issues with the "X". The court told my "X" that he could live in the house with me. When I heard that I freaked and my attorney made the agreement that he would live there and relinquish me from paying for the house and that the "X" would buy me out. I then was left with the mission to move. The "X" was moving in within 2 days. I had no place to go, no money and my credit was ruined because he had a repo which was under my name. My "now" husband told me that I could move in with him, but not with my daughter who was 15 at the time. I spoke to her dad and he agreed to take her. When I moved I could only take one of my three dogs. My daughter was able to take one to her dad's home and I had to leave one with the "X". I moved in to my new location and was given a bedroom. My "now" husband decided when I moved in it would be better to sleep apart since he could not sleep and I had to get up in the morning for work. He also accused me of having orgasims in my sleep! Of course this never happened while we were dating. When we have sex he comes in my room and leaves me after we were done. I am not trying to make him sound horrible. He doesn't leave immediately but after a while. My husband also has some medical problems and has never had an orgasim with me. I dealt with the situation as best I could. My daughter comes over every other weekend but can only stay one night...those are the rules. She can't sleep in the bed with me and I have to send her to the other bedroom which is a mother-in law quarters. My husband is nice to her but very detached. My husband was married once at 40 and divorced at 47. He married his friends wife. His x wife had a child around 9 at the time he married her. I know my husband has issues 'cause he brings up BS about his X"s child and to me it seems he was very jealous of the little girl. Anyway, I try and deal with all this and I know that I am not able to tell him anything 'cause he just doesn't want to know. The dog I left with the X husband got pregnant (the "X" has a male dog not neutered) even though I gave him money to spay her. I was able to get the pups from the "X" as the living conditions were horrible. My daughter and I were able to give them to good homes. My husband has no idea about this. Apparently the "X" is still on drugs and my old home is destroyed. Now the home is in foreclosure.
The other day I was riding in my "now" husbands vehicle. When he opened the center console I saw an e-mail with his x wifes name on it. I didn't say anything until the next day. When I got home he wasn't talking to me. I put it out on the table and he said I was being ridiculous and he already told me he does not want the past brought up. All I did was ask a question as to what it was and does he still talk to her. I got the paper out of the car and yes he was innocent. The paper had directions on it which he kept. I wanted to talk to him because I didn't think asking a question was wrong. The X told me to "get lost". I gave him his space and after a while I went in his bedroom. I opened the door to his bedroom since he had it closed and he asked "what do you want". I closed the door and cried all night in my room. I can't talk to him about anything. Everything in life has to be cut and dry with him. I have had a horrible life. I know what it is to be on the bottom, to be poor and to struggle. His life has been so different, although his business (he works from home) is not doing well and he is running out of money. Then there is the issue of finances. I give him 700 a month, pay for his health insurance of 400 a month and buy food which runs around 500 a month. I take home 2800 a month and have bills to pay in addition to paying for my daughter's horse who I refuse to give up. I had a truck and he told me to get rid of it and have it repo'd. I gave the truck (leased) to my son who is paying for it. He leased me a smaller vehicle in his name. I am not allow to wear anything sexy or wear a dress to work. Am I the one who is wrong?:confused:

The more I sit and think about things, the more I ask myself who am I? I am starting to feel that I don't even know who I am. This morning he came in the bed to wake me up as he always does and laid next to me which is customary. When it was time to get up he said "How long are you going to go on with being upset because of what I did". You see, in his eyes, I was the one who was wrong for even asking him a question about the e-mail in his car. Then he says "Why do I bother coming in here. You don't even touch me". Well first of all I have to get to work! Second of all, touch you? I have no time. True before I did hold him, but I feel like I can't wait to get out of there so I can have some memory of who I am. I am not even allow to order movies on line anymore (you know the ones they deliver to you) 'cause he says I don't know how to pick movies. The account is in my name and yes I pay for it, but not allowed to order movies I want to see. I am easily pleased and will watch anything. Now only he can order movies. I just asked him permission to order a movie. Permission. I had to ask him if it's okay. Then there is the bed thing. Yes separate rooms. I have an old lumpy mattress and he has a nice one. Well, I have been getting pains in my back and actually would prefer sleeping on the floor. Now he says to start looking for a mattress since we received some money as a wedding present. I have a king and he has a queen. He says "there is no law to say that we have to have a king and a queen. Try the mattress in my room and see if you like it. IE: he is saying..you can have my old mattress and I will get the new one for me. I am starting to feel like a second class citizen. Last nite he made me a salad which I always thank him for and am grateful. Later on he says "You don't ask about rubbing my back". (He has neck and back problems). so I say okay I'll rub your back which I did even though he knew I had stomach cramps all night long. Whatever. It is all about him. True, I am ready to throw in the towel. All this confirmation is helping me say "am I crazy?" h yea, this morning I said "Baby" and he did not respond so I said "I wonder if my bra's are dry". He said "F%%% you". I said huh? He says "You said "I tried". So I correct him with what I really said. Yep, no apology or anything. What could I expect.

He is the dictator and you are the puppet he is creating so NO you are not going to be anything but a puppet on a string so how can you expect to have any 'me' inside of you?
Everything will always be your fault, everything will always be you doing him wrong, you making his life miserable never the other way around because he can't see anything but animosity toward you. His idea of love is non existent because it is self centered on everything revolving around him. You are just an object to push around.
You are equal to the on/off button on the remote control.
Do something about it before it gets worse!
Find a way to get away.

Obviously there are a lot of ways to have a "successful" marriage. Some people need all things equal. Some are fine with one partner being more authoritarian. To each their own as long as both are happy and healthy mentally and physically.

But I just don't see how this is a good fit or a stable base to a relationship, let alone a marriage. I generally say to do the hard work it takes to make a marriage last... but how is this a marriage?

And I understand things happened quickly due to the courts decision... but my wife would have never parted from her daughter over any man. I don't get that one bit. All I can come up with is you were dating a guy who seemed nice and you made an awful decision to marry without really knowing anything about the guy.

You shouldn't have to live like this... and you both are to "blame". I wish it wasn't true and that things were better for you.

Bottom line- what part of his interaction with you and your children would you call "love"? And if love not there- why are you?
Every time we fall, we can get up and move on. Every time we hurt- we can heal. The future is created by our choices today.
Are you in love or in need?

Did you ever wonder why he did not marry until 40 yrs old and divorce 7 yrs later?
It sounds like you are nothing more then a room mate with sex privileges.

Quote:

Originally Posted by BACLARSEN

Did you ever wonder why he did not marry until 40 yrs old and divorce 7 yrs later?
It sounds like you are nothing more then a room mate with sex privileges.

Correction:
Roommate/providing sex privileges.

What a very sad story. Stop feeling sorry for yourself, and leave these loser guys alone to fend for themselves, and stop giving them your hard earned cash, and spend it on your own life without them in it. Get a budget that allows you to live alone, and get the heck out of dodge. A good divorce lawyer is what you need. Honestly you can be miserable without his help so no more whining, just find your own happiness yourself. This is your choice.