I need advice about my relationship with my boyfriend. The horrible part is I know the advice I'll probably get. I'm not an ignorant person. It's just that I need to hear it from people other than family and friends who can be biased.

Okay. My boyfriend and I have been together for a year. He lives on the west coast; I live on the east coast. He's been visiting every month (on the average). This guy has never been married, no kids, and lives with his mother and sister. His brother died a few years ago, and he's become a good friend to his 8 year old nephew, who he claims to be raising. This is the reason he says he can't move to be with me. I am divorced with two kids, and I refuse to move my kids that far away from their father. I believe kids NEED both parents.

Here are the facts about my boyfriend:

1.He has only lived on his own for one year of his life. He's in his mid thirties. He lives with his sister and mother now and just works to pay his cell bill and visit me. He does not help pay household bills OR buy groceries. They cook for him. He only has to do his own laundry.
2.He's never had a steady job or career. In fact, he has NOT worked more than he's worked.
3.His mother has residential custody of his nephew. My boyfriend claims to be raising this child, yet he only plays with the child. He does not contribute financially or attend any school functions, doctor's appointments, etc. The only things he does are play video games, take the kid to to do fun things, etc.
4.Last time he was here for a visit, he cut his visit short to go back home to help his sister get ready for a party. All she had to do was text him, and he was ready to go. His sister and him have lived together for years. They only moved in with their mother a year or so ago.

He's an intelligent man. Highly educated too, so he COULD work. I own my own business and have given him several chances to start his own. I know – stupid to believe you can change anyone. He said he would move here and has said that all along, but something ALWAYS comes up to prevent it. There's more to this story, but let me tell you a little about my situation.

1.I'm divorced with two great kids.
2.I have possession of the house my ex and I owned. It's for sale, but the housing market sucks. My ex helps me mow the five acres that are here because I cannot keep it up alone, and it's too expensive to hire someone. It's NOT flat land and there's just always something to work on in the yard.
3.My ex and I are still friends. He's living with his girlfriend, who I also get along with. She's a good woman.
4.I own my own business that I started after the divorce. I do well financially.
5.I have friends from my hometown (six hours away) and one good female friend here. No male friends to speak of. I don't go out. I stay home and talk on the phone to my boyfriend.

Now, here are the problems.

My boyfriend was supposed to move here next week, but of course something came up. Now it's September. I told him I get lonely sitting here alone, so I was going to make a few good female friends to have dinner with EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE. He freaked out, said going out with friends always leads to cheating. The past few nights, I've been worn out. I'm redoing my kitchen (alone), working, and taking care of two kids. So, I've went to bed early for three nights. Tonight he got angry over it. This is the norm. If I do something he feels is abnormal, he takes it as I'm not happy with him and gets angry. Earlier today, we had a fight because I said my ex and his girlfriend were coming over because one of my cars needs work, and my ex offered to do it if I bought the parts and bought the beer. You know, my kids LOVE his girlfriend and I think it's great they have a friendly environment between their parents. Plus, my ex is saving me four hundred dollars! He'd do anything to help me because it helps the kids. His girlfriend is the same way. But my boyfriend says I am HIS responsibility and HE will be the one to help me. But um… he cleverly always finds an excuse to NOT move. He's gone so far to tell me that his family is his priority because they love him unconditionally; I'll leave him someday. And to tell me he'd hate me in the end if I “made” him move and leave his nephew. Of course, after he cools down, he “never” means what he says.

Am I a fool for being in this relationship, or does he have a leg to stand on with telling me I need to stay home all the time, not let my ex help me out when I need it, and not ever acting “out of the ordinary” by going to bed early. LOL Like I said, I think I know the answers, I just need to hear them. And I need to know how to put him in his place and either make him grow up or leave me alone! I love him because he can be so supportive, so encouraging, and really affectionate.

One more thing. He's impotent and has been since we've been together. He's been checked out medically, but refuses to go for psychological help. So, we've never... geez, this sounds really bad. I'm sorry!

You're not a fool, because you have to give people a chance before you can truly judge whether they're right for you. However, I think this has run its course. You two are just on different levels, and that doesn't make one of you good and the other not good enough or anything, it just means that a bf/gf relationship would have a really hard time working. I think you could probably make it work, but it would likely take a lot of time and effort and sacrifice that you seem to not be willing to make for your sake and your kids, and I don't blame you. Also, he would have to make the same effort and sacrifices, and just from what I read I don't imagine that would work out too well. My advice is to break it of, maybe find someone closer to home that has grown into his pants, in both senses of the word.

Best of luck

First, you don't even really know this guy. Seeing each other once a month for a year, you only get to see him on his best behavior. However, he is a proven slacker who refuses to commit to you and already exhibits controlling, paranoid behavior. His impotency is also a sign of further mental disturbance lurking beneath the surface. All the signs are there. You know what you need to do.

Smokedetector,

I agree with you. What I had suggested to him was that he move here and get his own apartment. I fully believe someone needs to learn to stand on their own two feet before relying on someone else or partnering with someone else. He's never stood on his own two feet. I can't mother him. He used my refusal to move him in as another reason not to move here. The sacrifice I'd have to be willing to make is to mother him as if he's my child. I won't move closer to him. To me as a woman, a man better have something to offer me in the way of a good life (not money, I make my own) if I'm going to go clear across the country. He doesn't even have his own place.

Freeatlast, you're very right. And he's not going to give me the opportunity to get to know him with him living nearby in his own place. That terrifies me. I'd like to say the insecure/paranoid behavior is a result of the distance, but I'm not moving him into my house to find out for sure.

I need to go get a kitten. Lol

Realitybites,

You also need to look inside and determine why you have decided to spend a year with an impotent guy who lives at home who you hardly ever see. Something has compelled you to make this choice. Once you figure it out, move on. Or just move on, then figure it out.

Sweetie, you can't fix him. He sounds broken.

Time to run, not walk, as far away from this man as you can. I see so many red flags in your post it looks more like the red sea!!

You don't want this man to live anywhere near you! First of all, not only does he have control issues, but he is a freeloader.

You are lucky to have such a wonderful relationship with your ex and his girlfriend, don't risk that by having this jerk around your children for another minute.

His family not only loves him unconditionally, they enable him unintelligently.

You're an adult. You deserve to be in an adult relationship. An adult relationship is a real-life exercise involving sacrificial behavior. You seem to be willing.. oh yeah, you're an adult.

He's not an adult, he's a man. Not the same thing.

You're NOT alone, you're just not living with him, THANK GOD!

This is simple: Can you accept him exactly the way he is, and be mother/sister/lover/parent to him for the rest of his life? At 30 years of age you KNOW how he views women and will only come be with you if fill the roles his mother/sister are filling now... you have to take care of him. He won't change.

He will love you if you cater to him in everything, don't ever break his rules, never make him sweat the small stuff (And everything is small stuff to him, including your needs, right?). That sounds like a behavior of a spoiled "prince". Is he royalty?

You're an adult, you deserve an adult relationship. You don't have one with him and have NO HOPE of establishing one until everything about his life changes. Do you get that? Everything!

30-year-old men don't change everything. They don't. Well, maybe, but only if they have lost something very dear to them.

So let me put it this way - if HE has any hope of changing for you, you have to kick him to the curb and give him an unemotiona shopping list. Don't call me until the following things are true for you:
1) You live alone or with one adult male roommate in your own place where you are responsible for the lease, most of it or all of it
2) You have a career or a job you are dedicated to, one a person can actually come and see you working at
3) You have a hobby you're involved in outside of the house at least twice a month, one you actually enjoy
4) Live somewhere that you two can interact in person at least once a week, like normal grownups who date do.

That's it. Now don't look back. Most likely your awesome adult relationships are waiting and won't involve him. If you really want to help him, don't enable him like his family is willing to do. Tell him to be a MAN, a real man, a man who cares for things outside of himself, has ambitions, friends, hobbies, responsibilities and a dream he's ACTUALLY pursuing.

A man like THAT will make woman happy because he's a grownup and if she is too, then they make an appropriate place in each other's lives to share that busy life. He has no busy life, he has nothing to share with you. He's a sad sack and no one in his life to inspire him otherwise, not even YOU since you are so far away.

Also, up until now you've been willing to ignore all his lackings due to your feelings. So, your love has been no help to him at all, has it? Maybe your breakup can help him. Do you love him enough to help him even if it means you don't ever get to be together?

Touch choice, huh? But grownups make tough choices. You're the only grownup in this relationship, so what do you want for HIM, most of all?

You are a mature healthy female with a bright future, good attitude, and a great future. He is none of these things and doesn't meet your social level, and has issues he needs to work on and you cannot do it for him.

You should be very happy he doesn't want to relocate and screw up your happy life.

I don't care how you feel about him, but be aware your affections are better saved for the right kind of person, who appreciates you, and you appreciate him. Then you both can share that appreciation and be happy together.

Tell him to save his traveling money and grow up, without you in his life.

OMG... Your guy sounds soooo similar , so similar, to my guy here in this post: You might want to read it:

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...rd-224403.html

The responses you're getting are more in-depth, than what I got, so I am reading them with voracity and applying them to my situation, since yours is so similar: Both live at home, both pretend to have heavy obligations and devotions that they don't really have, both try to control 'certain' trivial and insignificant things we do, etc, etc,

My gosh my guy even acted nearly the same way with his parents' dogs, and his nephew's child, as yours does with his nephew. (They're not really even his dogs, but he pretends they can't live or breathe or go two minutes without him.) My guy calls his grown nephew his 'brother' even though they're not brothers, he so devoted to his nephew, he drops everything for him, too. And they both ALWAYS say 'I love you' to each other EVERY time they talk . And mine calls his nephew's daughter his 'second favorite girl' and carries um-teen pictures of her, (and none of me).

Well anyway I think you should break it off. Believe me I know how confusing it can be when you're in it. I'm still confused. He begs me to take him back one minute and says 'he gets it'. Then the next minute he defends his position. Ugh.

The message is simple - You don't have to change to be happy. You DO have to change to be with me, though, and I'm not waiting around while you figure it out.

If you wake up one day and all the changes have already occurred... give me a call. (Don't hold your breath, guys don't change as much as is needed here)

Thanks, all. And the one who said I have to look at myself... you're VERY correct. I have. Time and time again over the past few months. I was in a marriage that was emotionally unfulfilling. My ex husband is NOT a bad man; we just grew apart and forgot important things... like communicating and supporting each other emotionally. It happens to the best of us. This guy made his "world" revolve around me.

Anyway, I talk too much. :)

JBeaucaire, what can I say but thanks? There was so much truth in your post. I'm going to break it off with him using the things you said. He was just pressuring me today into letting him visit so we can "work things out." The only thing I have to work out is getting away from him.

Remember, guys will say ANYTHING to keep from losing, I wish they were willing to actually DO THE WORK, but most will fall back on some "sweet nothings" at times like this. And since women are uniquely susceptible to "sweet nothings", do be careful, OK?

Remember, he has to change because he wants to. If you give him that list, don't do it simply as a shopping list. Do it as a "these are the minimal things I'm looking for in the life of my man, MINIMUM, and I'm hoping for much, much more. None of them apply to you and you seem to be happy in your life. So enjoy your life. I'm moving on, perhaps we'll meet again in a future chapter. But remember, this list is my minimum, and I'm hoping for much more beyond that. OK?

It's a soft sell, you know?