Hi Folks,

Got a difficult one here for you...

Been with a girl for 8yrs. We fell head over heals for one another and hardly spent a day apart from one another from the day we met. I'm 28 she's 26.

We are total soul mates and I cannot explain how deep our love for another was and we both agree that still is the case.

During our relationship I was verbally and physically abusive to her every so often. Usually every 6mths or so after about 5yrs into the relationship.

Now I'm not condoning what I did but I think it's worth bearing in mind I had an extremely violent upbringing. Sexual, mental and physical abuse. I was also stabbed in a unprovoked attack/mugging during the last year which really affected me as I now realise that deep down I have big fears of being attacked.

I loved her and she loved me but every so often (mostly when I was drunk) the dark side of me would appear it's ugly head.

The following words are how she describes me a few days ago... "99% of the time you are evrything I want it in a man. You make me feel like a million dollars and my love for you is all-consuming. I cannot imagine being with anyone else in my lifetime. But there is a side to you that scares me (the 1% side).

Now she asked me to get help once the issues first arised (so after 5yrs of being together). However I didn't get help and in hindsight I think was too stubborn or maybe even too scared to confront my issues.

Anyway the last time I lost my temper she wasn't at home but I trashed our kitchen. She then said she had to finish it as she was scared of her future with me. I said I would get help as I could see she was serious this time. But she said was too late.

She said it was the hardest thing for her to do bacause she still loves me but she said I needed help. She was right and I know that now.

Two days later I attempted to commit suicide. I very nearly died and it's a miracle I'm still around. I was hanging for about 5mins, I had no heart beat and had to be rescucitated.

I don't think it was a cry for help. At the time I just couldn't imagine life without her and I couldn't deal with the guilt of the pain I had caused her. I just wanted out.

Since then I checked myself into Anger Management Classes (once a week), Counselling (helping tremendously, once a week) and Post Traumatic Stress Clinic (once a week for stabbing nightmares).

I have now gained an amazing insight as to why I behaved so horrifficly at times due to a bad childhood. Also please understand I totally understand that I am responsible for my own actions however I think it's important to tell you why I acted the way I did sometimes.

Anyway we are now talking, texting and meeting up quite regularly (it's been 4mths now) and the other day she said she still loves me. She also said..."It's great you are getting the help you need and I am so happy for you that it is working. I can actually tell it is working as you seem at peace with yourself. But to not be with anymore is killing me. I love you"

Now I've tried to talk to her about suggesting we attend relationship counselling together however whenever I do she just clams up and says she can't talk about it and doesn't think it's an option. I suppose she is quite mixed up and very hurt. What confusing me slightly is that one mintue she says "she still loves me", the next she says "is it a good idea that we still see each other because she scared that she will never fall out of love with me" and the next she says "she can't imagine me not being in her life".

If she said we shouldn't talk together then I would totally respect that. I just want her to be happy now. If she said lets be friends as we are at the moment then I will respect that too. But she hasn't really made a final decision and I feel in total limbo?

My gut feeling says just stay friends and continue working on myself which I'm quite enjoying. By attending counselling for the first time in my life I am discovering why I behaved the way I did at times and I have found new ways to control my anger. But there's another side which says we can turn this negative situation into a positive one and work on our relationship with counselling together. I actually think we could do it just as friends at first so as not to feel pressurised and see how we can go from there.

I love her and she loves me. I know it won't be easy but I think our love for one another can over come this. What should I do? If there is chance we could get back together then I would jump at the chance. But at the moment I'm just being patient until she makes decision and building our freindship again.

We truly love each other but she feels so hurt and I presume when she contemplates getting back together she becomes overwhelmed and feels like there are too many hurdles to overcome? It's a bit of a catch 22 for her I suppose.

I do feel I have come a long way and to be honest I think I will use the counselling service for a long time in the future.

Help? I want her back really bad and I know she does too... Thanks in advance.

Hey,

Your situation sounds a lot like mine, except on opposite ends. I broke up with my boyfriend last Friday, because he has LOTSSSS of issues and I had finally had enough and I broke it off. Well he knows he has a lot of issues and he's working really hard on himself and he wants us to try to work on our relatinship and doesn't want to give up.. he seems a lot like you in how he reacted to the break up (besides the committing suicide)

Soo.. since I'm on your girlfriends side I can give you some insight on how I'm feeling about my Ex. I couldn't take his problems anymore and I was at the end of my rope, I felt comeplty tired, and lost and I couldn't see a future with him. I still don't see a future with him, there are a lot of things that scare me about him and I don't know if I will ever be able to repair the pain, or the trust.. So honestly Im confused, and I don't know what is going to happen with us.. so when she tells you those things understand that she truly is confused and she's probably a smart girl and she's thinking about her future..

I say be friends with her, don't push it.. the more my ex calls me and beggs for me back, the more he scares me and pushes me away.. so repair the friendship and the trust and maybe slowly she will be more to open up more.. time will only tell and just respect the fact that she is thinking hard about this and to expect her to make up a decision that big over night is not realistic

Your sure-fire answer is to move on to your next relationship. I know it will be hard, but the next girl won't have the history you have with this one. She won't prejudge and mistrust you. She won't fear you.

Also, if you are truly past these dangerous behaviors, this new relationship will be much more solid because of it.

I always say we learn things best if our mistakes COST us something. That loss serves forever to remind us not to repeast the errors. Being taken back by the one we originally wronged often leads to us NOT learning as much as we would/could if we weren't taken back.

Does that make sense?

It's your call, but I believe it will be best for you both if you each move on to your next big thing.

I think your first priority is making sure your in a healthy place and proving to yourself you have changed, and accept the fact, she may not be sold on this change and is only looking out for herself in staying out of your way.

When you hurt someone the way you did the damage may have been irreparable, and your change is suspect.

Get healthy, whether she wants you, or not. Do this for you and your future.

I think you should continue your help and stay friends. And in the future if she feels safe and wants to get back with you, then you should if you still want that is. Right now, she is unsure about getting back with you because she is scared and you need to heal as well as her. I have a similar relationship, but I'm married with 4 kids and have been with him for 11 years. As much as I love my husband, sometimes I get enough of everything. And we should get help because we both have issues, but we just can't separate its very hard. So what you two are doing take guts, (getting help and separating).
I wish you two the best