After my past terrible experiences with guys, and I mean it terrible :\.. I feel some kind of rejection towards every guy who tries to become close with me, or likes me.. automatic feeling of rejection… I don't even like to give them the chance to get to know me, I'm terrified and scared that any relation might end up in failure!
The last guy - which is so sweet and nice by the way - who tried to express his feelings, I disappeared and stopped answering his phone calls and refused to go out with him when he asked me out, although I had some feelings and felt that I was attracted to the guy in a way.


I'm sick, NO?! :confused:

Honey, you are not sick at all. You are protecting yourself from any further hurt. You are talking to the queen of bad relationships here! And I do mean "bad" also!

The nice guys can be few and far between, but it is important to remember that not all of them will hurt you. Your best bet is to get to know the guy very well as a friend first, and then slowly let him know your experiences in the past. Once you get to know him well enough, you will be better able to judge his character, and be able to slowly let him into your world. It's all about getting to know someone well enough first, so you know if the trust and respect is there. Trust, respect, and communication, are first and foremost in any relationship... even everyday friendships and relationships!

Maybe a new reality TV show?. I claim I am the Queen of bad relationships and the better I treat a guy the worse they act!
I agree that keeping guys at a distance is protecting yourself and your defense mechanisms. Most often I feel that I am better off alone than struggling in a relationship.
I think the best thing to do is really get to be friends with a guy and really get to know them before you agree to the bf/gf thing but that can be hard because many guys just want to jump into a relationship or move on.

You have to choose your own boyfriends, not wait to be chosen. That makes all the difference in the world, night and day.

That means you have to have a firm sense of yourself and what you want out of a man... so start thinking and keeping a simple journal. You have to know yourself so you know what kind a man works with you.

Good Luck!

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Originally Posted by Choux

You have to choose your own boyfriends, not wait to be chosen. That makes all the difference in the world, night and day.

That means you have to have a firm sense of yourself and what you want out of a man...so start thinking and keeping a simple journal. You have to know yourself so you know what kind a man works with you.

Good Luck!

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Tell me how to do this?

Write down all the things you would like in a partner, love in a partner. Then make a list of the qualities that you would not tolerate, kind-of dislike, might put up with. When you look at the list, the "right" guy is clearer in your mind.

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Originally Posted by N0help4u

..but that can be hard because many guys just want to jump into a relationship or move on.

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I Knoww!! :eek: they really do!

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Originally Posted by simoneaugie

Write down all the things you would like in a partner, love in a partner. Then make a list of the qualities that you would not tolerate, kind-of dislike, might put up with. When you look at the list, the "right" guy is clearer in your mind.

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I already did long time ago, figured out he doesn't exist :(

Hi T, I almost missed your follow-up, sorry.

There are a lot of available guys out there when a person is young. A little harder to find a good man when you are older.

Write in your journal what you are all about... your likes and dislikes, hobbies, interests... what compromises you. YOu have to have something to talk about with good guys.

Don't forget to make a list of your negative traits... they will trip you up in life, so you have to be aware of them.

Ask yourself what you can do to strengthen yourself in a positive manner. Like, for example, take singing lessons, take up a sport, counselling,. whatever.

Make a list of DEAL KILLERS and don't even bother with these guys... alcohol drinkers, druggie, momma's boy, complainer, handicapped guy, liar, criminal, no sense of humor, porn addict, couch potato, and so on. Once firmly in your mind, you don't even have to think twice... just have good manners and move on to talk with someone else. Remember, you are a queen in the making. :)

Talk to as many available men as possible and when appropriate, get to know them better.

Enter your experiences into your journal as you grow stronger as a permanent reminder that you want to have as good and happy a life as possible.

I have to tell you about one of my friends years ago. She was a professional woman who wanted to get married. She made a list of all her female contacts.

She ran into one of her contacts and asked her if she knew of any single men who were looking to date. She said she did... long story short... my friend married a high school principal, and I went to her wedding about a year or two later.

It takes effort to be happy and get what you want. It is all too easy to go with the flow and be unhappy.

Beat wishes!

A woman can do volunteer work to help the handicapped, but not marry into poverty and endless worry. :)

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Originally Posted by Choux

A woman can do volunteer work to help the handicapped, but not marry into poverty and endless worry. :)

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Really! So now you are saying that all handicapped people are destitute and bothersome? Heaven forbid that any woman or man could fall in love with a disabled person! Are you kidding me?

I guess all of the soldiers and hero's that fought for YOUR rights and freedom, that lost a leg, or have to spend the rest of their life in a wheel chair, are a bad bet then, hey?

That was possibly one of the most idiotic responses I have ever read or heard. Do you put all groups of people into stereotypical categories Choux? That is sad, very sad, and I would only hope that you sit down and seriously think about your position.

Why do you always have to jump from thread to thread and make comments like this, to insult other peoples' intelligence? Volunteer work is a wonderful thing, but it doesn't solve everyone's problems! I do plenty of volunteer work, and I enjoy it, but I don't think "singing lessons" are going to solve any problems I might have. They might solve yours though! Try to sing a little more. Maybe you should go do some volunteer work at one of the veterans hospitals, and learn a bit more about what you say, before you say it!

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Originally Posted by Choux

Make a list of DEAL KILLERS and don't even bother with these guys...alcohol drinkers, druggie, momma's boy, complainer, handicapped guy, liar, criminal, no sense of humor, porn addict, couch potato, and so on. Once firmly in your mind, you don't even have to think twice....just have good manners and move on to talk with someone else. Remember, you are a queen in the making. :)

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I've got to say... I totally agree with Starbuck... I can't believe that you put handicapped in there. One of my best friends is profoundly Deaf (cannot speak), but I don't see why he shouldn't get a date. My cousin's fiancée only has 3 fingers on each hand, but they're a fantastic couple...
Maybe you could rectify that to mean people with sever intellectual disabilities. Or people who are completely incapacitated. Or just incapable of communication.
I also would like there to be a distinction between "alcohol drinkers" and alcoholics. And also point out that there's a difference between a "criminal" who stole a computer game in their teens and a "criminal" who killed a bus full of orphans. Have standards, but don't make snap judgments on things that are often more trivial than they sound. But those things don't bother me nearly as much as the handicapped comment... that was plain offensive to me.

By the way, I work in special education. That varies from kids with emotional problems, to intellectual and physical. I understand that some of these problems would be impossible to work around, and would never expect some of these kids to get into a romantic relationship. In many cases, if they DID get into a relationship I'd think of it as abusive! But there's an enormous difference in levels of disability.

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Originally Posted by Choux

Make a list of DEAL KILLERS and don't even bother with these guys...alcohol drinkers, druggie, momma's boy, complainer, handicapped guy, liar, criminal, no sense of humor, porn addict, couch potato, and so on. Once firmly in your mind, you don't even have to think twice....just have good manners and move on to talk with someone else. Remember, you are a queen in the making. :)

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OMG, just when I though I'd seen your worst Choux, you come up with this.

So handicapped people are not date material, they are listed along with liars,
Criminals, druggie's etc. Wow, wow, wow, I can't get over this Choux, my goodness.

What kind of world do you live in that you are so negative about people, what
Has been done to you in your life that these are your views on the people around you?
I can't believe that anyone would say what you said, but alas, there it is in black and
White.

Just so you know, my cousin is handicapped, has been wheelchair bound for the
Last 10 years of her life, and now her a$$hole husband has asked for a divorce, is
Trying to get full custody of the kids (she has always been the main caregiver) and
Wants the house, the car, the furniture, everything. Yes, she's "handicapped" ,and
According to you, not worth anyone's time or attention. She's an undesirable according
To you, and no one should waste their time on her. Well Choux, she's a human
Being, and like every other human being on this earth, worthy and deserving of
Love.

Shame on you Choux, really, you should know better. :mad:

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Originally Posted by Altenweg

OMG, just when I though I'd seen your worst Choux, you come up with this.

So handicapped people are not date material, they are listed along with liars,
criminals, druggie's etc. Wow, wow, wow, I can't get over this Choux, my goodness.

What kind of world do you live in that you are so negative about people, what
has been done to you in your life that these are your views on the people around you?
I can't believe that anyone would say what you said, but alas, there it is in black and
white.

Just so you know, my cousin is handicapped, has been wheelchair bound for the
last 10 years of her life, and now her a$$hole husband has asked for a divorce, is
trying to get full custody of the kids (she has always been the main caregiver) and
wants the house, the car, the furniture, everything. Yes, she's "handicapped" ,and
according to you, not worth anyone's time or attention. She's an undesirable according
to you, and no one should waste their time on her. Well Choux, she's a human
being, and like every other human being on this earth, worthy and deserving of
love.

Shame on you Choux, really, you should know better. :mad:

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I also have three long time friends that are handicapped. One that was in a skiing accident, another in a car accident, and another that has spinabifida. ( I myself have rheumatoid arthritis and a problem with my hip.) All of these friends have been wheel chair bound for yrs, and two of them have lovely wives, that don't consider them to be a burden.

They all live productive lives and have very good jobs. One of them is the head of our local SPCA, another is a very well off insurance agent, and the other is the owner/manager of a very successful restaurant/bar. Does that sound like these people aren't worthy of a loving relationship to you? Absolutely ludicrious!

You guys are way too emotional about my comment. :)

I answer my young woman questioners like they were*my granddaughters*... I want the best life for them and that is about making good decisions at all important life junctions.

If you don't care if your daughter or granddaughter marries a schizophrenic or a paraplegic, that's fine. I don't consider losing a leg a disability; that man can work and be a success in life.

Life is hard enough without choosing to have problems.

We simply agree to disagree. :)

Have a nice week ahead.

Choux, maybe if you had been clearer in your answer, then we wouldn't have
Been so offended. Handicap, is a broad term, and was taken as such. You did
Not say, someone with schizophrenia, or another severe mental disorder, you said
Handicapped, which includes people that are wheelchair bound, blind, deaf, missing
Limbs etc. That was what I took offense to.

You cannot go around labelling people as undesirable and expect others not to
Get offended.

Have a good weekend yourself.