Argumentative, Abusive(ish) Boyfriend Problems
Im 17 and I've been going out with my boyfriend who's 18 for nearly 9 months. We are both each others longest relationship and we both lost our virginities to each other so we are very close. He's also my best friend and Im his back.
We see each other three to four times a week depending on what we are doing as Im still at school and he's got college. My AS Level exams are over and my school has given our year a week off before going back again and so I'm mostly left at home bored this week because most of my mates have already left school and got jobs or they have no money to go out. Either way I'm bored. My boyfriend has college everyday but on Tuesdays and Thursdays they finish at 12.30.
Last week, I was ill and had a high temperature. I hadn't been as ill as that since I was in Year 7 (I remember because I'd been off school for about a week). My mum had an important meeting at work so she couldn't stay home and care for me. My dad was on a business trip and my brother who is younger than me had school so I was left at home by myself all day, ill. I was a little upset that no one was here to comfort me so I called my boyfriend thinking that I could rely on him to look after me. It was Thursday and my boyfriend had come out of college early anyway, I knew, because he had had a motorbike test at 12. I thought he would want to come and comfort me so I called him up asking if he would come round. He said "No" along with his usual amount of about 10 excuses believing himself to be the voice of reason. His reasons were that he was tired, he was upset that his test hadn't gone so well and he had too much work to do.
I was really quite upset to be honest. I was on my period too which really didn't help as it always makes me too emotional but truly believe he should have been there for me. He knows and I told him that I would go round to his whenever he was ill no matter how I was feeling or what I was doing. If he had so much work, why was he on the Xbox too? (I knew this because 1. I could hear it over the phone and 2. I was on msn so it showed up there too) He couldn't have had that much. I really think he should have been there for me but he doesn't see that.
I went to see him the next day on the train which takes an hour and I was still ill. It probably wasn't the best thing to do as it probably made me worse but I was upset and I always go to his on Fridays and I thought that he wouldn't come over to mine. As soon as I got to the station near his house, he started walking me home and then stopped me. I knew why because he does this a lot when he knows I'm angry with him. He knows how much he hurt me yesterday and I think he knows he is in the wrong for not being there for me but what he said was "Why do you always have to do this to me, babe?" He always has to turn it around to him. HE is always hurt and I am to blame. Its HIM who is always the one doing right and I'm making HIM upset. Its just not fair! I was the one who was ill and he didn't come and see me not the other way around! Apparently, he was the one who was stressed and overworked and needed sympathy. Whilst he was saying this, I was standing there ill, concentrating on standing up and not falling over.
That was a couple of days ago. Today was the third argument this week. We often have arguments. Its almost what we do best. We always make up afterwards but this one today has struck a whole new level. He promised me on Sunday that he would be early today (Tuesday), however, his college had kept him in a little later so he wasn't early. To be honest, I wasn't surprised and I was a little disappointed but he had a valid reason so I wasn't angry with him. We were in my room and he had bought me a sexy little outfit on Saturday (not expensive but it as ok) and I hadn't worn it for him yet due to my "Time Of The Month" so I did. I knew he was a little stressed so I tried to make him happy with the usual "seduce" tactics, only this time I had the outfit which made him very happy. I wasn't really in the mood but I had promised him that id wear it and I wanted him happy. We had sex and then a little later we did it again. Then, he fell asleep. I don't really like it when he does that but he was tired so I let him and I lay comfortably in his arms.
He had to go at 10.30 so at 10, I woke him up so that we could talk for a little bit. He said "Im too tired to talk". After all id done for him, he wouldn't do this one thing for me. It didn't exactly require much effort. I was upset because to me that meant he couldn't be bothered with me. When he got up to get ready to go home, he told me to also get changed so that I could come down. I didn't answer or move just to show him that I was not happy. For some reason that made him start swearing at me and insulting me saying that I was a and he didn't like the way I treat him. (Again, note that he's turned it round to him!). When he gets angry with me, I get angry back at first. Then I feel like crying and just wanting to run to him and let him hold me until I stop crying. Amazingly, this time I did not cry. I was in a bit of a shock. He had been saying that we should go on a break for a bit whilst he finishes college because he couldn't see me as much and so I wouldn't stress him out by calling him to see him. He said it again in this argument so I said "Go on then, lets see how long it is before you come running back". I was still in an angry phase and then he started insulting me again so I told him to leave. Usually, I go with him to wave him off on his motorbike. This time, he went without waiting for me. I changed then from angry phase to upset phase of he argument so I went down after him. He was putting on his boots whilst I stood there watching him. He could tell I was upset but he hardly acknowledged me. He was about to leave and I couldn't help it so I ran up to him and hugged him tight. I felt like crying so badly but I knew I couldn't because he'd think I was just trying to make him stay longer. Obviously, I did but that wasn't why I wanted to cry. I felt he was being so so horrible. I think he was sorry too but he still really hurt me. I wrote him an email as I knew he'd be on Facebook when he got home. All I want is a hug from him right now. I've hardly stopped crying since he left.
Its stupid but everything he does, even if its so trivial, has such a big impact on me. Him simply saying that I'm stupid hurts me. I don't think he understands that. He's always been a guy who is the leader and acts tough even though he can be really nice which he usually is to me but he can't understand that he can't argue with me the way he argues with other people because it hurts so much. He cares about me but he doesn't deal with me right. When I'm upset, instead of saying "Im here, ill make everything better", he tells me what I did that was wrong, which would be great after I wasn't upset anymore but telling what I did wrong when I'm upset just makes it worse. I tell him but he says it doesn't work that way with me... Thing is, he is wrong and it is the way to deal with me. It always has been. He makes it worse. And I have to tell him what's wrong because he is my boyfriend and we tell each other everything!
Why does he always change the argument round to him?
Am I right that he should have come to see me when I was ill?
How can I make him understand me more?
Is he right in treating me this way?
How can I make him deal with me better?
Yes, I love him to bits, I know I do but he can drive me insane when we don't agree on something because he always wins until I'm nearly in tears just trying to get my say and my view across.
