Recently my relationship of 10 months ended, it was my first love. We had our ups and downs like every relationship but it was clearly getting to messy towards the end. We had tried to take a "break" about 2 months prior but after talking on the phone she wanted to get back together again, after 3 days apart. When it did finally end just shy of a month ago I begged and wussed out only 1 time. I know she still feels she has complete control over me and that I will always "be hers". Looking back at the last month of the relationship I was putting her on a pedestal and she was close to walking on me. Since she ended it we had been in contact fairly often. She has contacted me more than I have contacted her (I have called 1 time) or we see each other out. The last contact we had was a text from her asking what I was up to, which I did not respond to. Since then it has been 8 days on NC. I really miss her and want her to miss me, I mean at this point I still do want to try and rekindle things. I think that the growth during our relationship and in the past month apart is invaluable; I still think there is something there to work on. She has in the past asked for her space and I never fully gave it to her. She has also mentioned that she is just not into it anymore. I know we still love each other but I do not know what to do. I am trying to do all the good things, working on myself but I just can’t seem to shake the bad days. I have come leaps and bounds from just weeks ago but am new to this rollercoaster of emotions. I also do understand that NC is not for the other person it is for you, I just can not seem to get her out of my head. I know if I want her back I need to get myself back first, but how do you know when that is. I am not even close to the same person I was prior to my relationship, and frankly I don’t want to be that old person anymore. I am also really struggling with her actions vs. her words. The weeks before it ended there was tension between us but we still made love, held hands and went about living like we did before when things were better. Can someone really "just fall out of love" or "not be into it anymore" in a short amount of time? Was my controlling and jealously, not giving her space she needed, and my trust issues with her all contributing factor to the demise of the relationship. Because it was done over the phone I have really never gotten any closure. Just that she is not into it, needs space, and we just don’t work together, I am confused about what to believe based on what she says vs. her actions. The hardest part for me right now is I feel that I clicked with this person. I miss the intangible connection that brought us together despite the fact we may not have been the perfect compatible couple. I know I will go on to live life and love again but how do you let go of something that you can’t explain, or is that what love is? I can’t shake the feeling that the intangible elements in the relationship helped to get us close enough to fall in love with each other. We are 2 people who probably should have never even made it to the point we did, but why did we make it that far then? If we were both lying to ourselves it should have ended in the first 2 months. I want to end by saying I really can’t let go of the thought of two young people having never fully experienced a committed relationship making all the mistakes, hurting each other, and hurting possibilities for the future.

Sorry for all the pondering questions at the end, but like many other posts it just feels good to get out there and vent a little. Thanks to everyone this is a great site filled with a lot of good people. They tell you what to want to know even thought it may not be what you want to hear.

Hey 4frnt,

Let me just say I am suffering heartbreak right now and I feel for you.. we are in the same boat..

Your post had lots of questions, lol I don't remember everything, so I'll try to give you the best insight I can.

I say move on. Your ex broke it off because she wasn't feeling it.. it's not a good thing. You need to focus on yourself and move on with your life.. If it's meant to be it will be.. but you need to except that it will not work out.. that's really the only way to heal completely.

Do you believe in a higher being? I do, and I'm giving my faith to God and letting him take charge. Figure out why things didn't work.. look at yourself and how you can better yourself.. there are things that you can learn from..

I am on the other side of you situation. I broke up with my boyfriend for many reasons, but it all boils down to that God doesn't want us to be together.. I know that with all my heart. And my ex is having a hard time copeing with it.. and he's contacting me when I asked him not to.. it doesn't make it easier.. remember that.. you don't want to be clingy and push her away.. he really started to get on my nerves by all the voicemails and text messages, but today he seems to be doing better mentally.. so be strong don't push her away..

Be strong and stay no contact and know that we're all here feeling the same pain you are

Hi dear, and welcome. And, thanks for complimenting this site - I feel proud to be part of this cyber-family and hope that we help as many people as we can with our collective experience.

What you do with our advice is up to you - as long as you continue to be truthful to yourself, as you have been - I laud you for admitting weaknesses and that you don't really want to go back being who you were. That's called growth, learning and pride in what you've learned.

Does every break-up hurt like the first one? No, not really. Because every break-up is due to different issues and under different circumstances. Some might hurt more, some less - depending on whether you are the breaker or breakee and respect/disrespect for each other before, during and after the break-up.

We all have wondered a few times why we even got into a relationship, but since we are human and emotionally guided/misguided at times, there is no guarantee that we will always make the right choices. This, however, should not prevent us from mutually consenting to take something further, even when there is a little doubt. Not even compatibility tests will give you conclusive results because the human factor is left out of those written questions. We don't know from one minute to the next what will happen - we all just go with the flow and take different forks along the way if it does not work out. How we cope with these highways, or rollercoasters is what strengthens us and helps us in determining what we eventually seek.

We will also have our memories to go by, good or bad, they will remain with us - stronger at first, but they will fade and pop up once in a while when it seems we need them to hinder us from trying to make the same mistakes.

Alas, there is no guarantee though, otherwise there would be a book out making millions for the author.

So, we take each day as it comes and when lucky, we find someone who shares our values, humor, passion and intellect, maturity - and then it clicks.

As to your question of 'lost feelings'... yes it can happen. There is no simple answer for this either, but when a woman has lost that - it is next to impossible to get it back. Our reproductive organs are internal, but the important part that gets the 'erection' is in our brain - and when that 'feeling or urge' has gone, we cannot 'get it up' as easily as most men can. It could be something the other has said or done, it could be something we looked for and did not find, again, there is no solid 'rule of thumb' there because it depends solely on the woman's state of mind and maturity and what she thinks she is looking for in life. And, to be honest, sometimes we don't even know what we are looking for at any given time.

So, welcome to the club of 99% emotional humans. It is exclusive because the other 1% is made up of pimps and their stables and/or emotionally cold gold-diggers.

Stay with us and enjoy the exclusivity and pain of this club because there is free life-time membership and we care and share - that's what makes us so special.

Have you read the first four stickies in the Relationship's Section? You'll see that we all will survive somehow - with time. I promise.

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I got a depression when my first Bf and I parted ways. I woke up everyday for 2 years hurting. I thought its the end of my life. No words and no one can mend a broken heart. Just time and new love. Pain shall pass. Trust me

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Originally Posted by 4FRNT

I miss the intangible connection that brought us together despite the fact we may not have been the perfect compatible couple.

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Nail on the head, right there. That's the ticket to getting your sanity back. The attraction that starts a relationship is an intangible you're not supposed to figure out, it just happens to make sure you try to get with a woman. Whether it lasts or not isn't based on the intangible attraction, it's based on REAL compatibility.

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I know I will go on to live life and love again but how do you let go of something that you can't explain, or is that what love is?

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Yep, love is something you can't explain. Good catch!

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I can't shake the feeling that the intangible elements in the relationship helped to get us close enough to fall in love with each other. We are 2 people who probably should have never even made it to the point we did, but why did we make it that far then?

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You made it that far because you were giving it the old college try. That's not a failure, that's a success. TRYING and not winning is still a success.

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If we were both lying to ourselves it should have ended in the first 2 months.

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Poppycock. It take at least 4-6 just to get past the "honeymoon" period where you are both acting overly sweet and nice, the courting ritual.

IN fact, it's this semi-false behavior we use on each other when first dating that people later pine for. "Why can't he be like he was when we first went out...?" I'll tell you why, because being that sweet and icky is too much work! Hehe.

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I want to end by saying I really can't let go of the thought of two young people having never fully experienced a committed relationship making all the mistakes, hurting each other, and hurting possibilities for the future.

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More poppycock. You date to gain experience and insight. It's not automatically a failure when a relationship ends... unless you look back and can't find anything you learned about life or yourself. That's a failure.

Oh, and NOT breaking up, ending up married to a horribly incompatible person... THAT'S a failure. At least those people had strong "feelings." (bangs head on desk)

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Originally Posted by plonak

Hey 4frnt,

Let me just say I am suffering heartbreak right now and I feel for you.. we are in the same boat..

your post had lots of questions, lol I don't remember everything, so i'll try to give you the best insight i can.

I say move on. your ex broke it off becasue she wasn't feeling it.. it's not a good thing. You need to focus on yourself and move on with your life.. If it's meant to be it will be.. but you need to except that it will not work out.. that's really the only way to heal completly.

Do you believe in a higher being? I do, and i'm giving my faith to God and letting him take charge. Figure out why things didn't work.. look at yourself and how you can better yourself.. there are things that you can learn from..

I am on the other side of you situation. i broke up with my boyfriend for many reasons, but it all boils down to that God doesn't want us to be together.. i know that with all my heart. and my ex is having a hard time copeing with it.. and he's contacting me when I asked him not to.. it doesn't make it easier.. remember that.. you don't want to be clingy and push her away.. he really started to get on my nerves by all the voicemails and text messages, but today he seems to be doing better mentally.. so be strong dont push her away..

Be strong and stay no contact and know that we're all here feeling the same pain you are

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Yea I'm quite religious as well. Everything works out for the best and you cannot fix people or situations that are out of your hand. All you can do is work on yourself and make yourself stronger.
Karma is a big thing I believe in. What goes around will come on. Plus, your ex and you were probably not meant to be together now but you don't know what the future holds. Maybe you both will be better people in the future and you may rekindle that spark. Don't think about that too much though because once again it's not in your hands to predict the future.

Listen. Everyone's first breakup hurts like hell. My girlfriend breaking up with me was devastating. And she broke up with me 4 no reason. I thought we loved each other for ever and ever but I guess I was wrong there is no such thing as a first true love. But tell you the truth my first true broke up with me 2 years ago and I still love her and I don't no y.

MY first three REAL loves I remember and cherish to this day. You DO KNOW that you get to choose how you will be about this?

I chose to learn and grow from every relationship I had, and my final family reaped the benefit of that choice for decades afterward.

I'll be honest, I loved my second g/f FAR more than my wife when we first got married. But I loved my wife completely. And still do.

It's not about landing the one you love/loved the most, it's about bonding forever to someone who you CAN last with. Love is random and chancey, commitment and compatibility are not.

Now, 23 years later I cannot imagine how my life could have turned out any better than when this woman consented to be mine forever. That's true love, that's my story, and I'm sticking to it!

Thanks to all who responded. All the advice helps in many aspects. I agree with a lot of what you have said, especially about the first love hurting the most. In the past she has told me she lost a part of her self in the relationship and that we both needed to work on ourselves for a while. Was this her way of asking for space, which I did not grant her, so she had to end it?
I do have questions about some of the threads posted by plonak and spoin. Do you both really believe so heavily in god making the choice for you? I do not necessarily believe in a higher power and really struggle with being powerless in the situation. I totally believe that things happen for a reason, but also believe free will and choice. If I want to get her back I have come to accept that it did not work and move on, and doing less is more (NC). Is it completely crazy to have realized you made some major first relationship mistakes and want to get back together with someone who hurt you bad? If it is crazy is time the only thing that will get her off my mind?

The way the world typically works, each relationship you have benefits from the failed ones you had before. It is hard to successfully implement new habits and ideas into old relationships, the bad blood is almost always still there. And it's unnecessary.

There's also a "cost" to learning things. If your mistakes COST you something, you learn them much more deeply/completely. If you make mistakes and the girl just forgives you over and over, it is hard to really learn a lot in that environment.

But losing her over it, permanently, makes a real impression. Your next g/f benefits. And the next, each time you learn more and more about BEING good in a relationship, until you finally reach a point where you are ready to commit unconditionally to someone.

And you're right about free will. God granted you skills and experiences and a "type" of personality that will allow you to successfully bond to a woman of the correct reciprocal type. But within that range of women is a wonderfully unexpected variety.

The choice will be yours in the end, but God wants you to be a loving and caring keeper of all the gifts He provides, including the one woman out of many you finally opt for.

Choose wisely, and make sure YOU will be a good choice for the women who are looking, too.

God is there for us at all times. If we choose to give him our trust and give ourselves compeltly to Him, then he will lead us the right way. Of course we have the free will to decide if we want something or not, but he gives us the way and the light to the truth and to best possible life we can have. He is our leader our father is we allow him to be.. If you look to Him for everything, He will take care of you.. How amazing is that? To have a higher being take our burdens and pain away from us to bear on His shoulders..

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Originally Posted by 4FRNT

Thanks to all who responded. All the advice helps in many aspects. I agree with a lot of what you have said, especially about the first love hurting the most. In the past she has told me she lost a part of her self in the relationship and that we both needed to work on ourselves for a while. Was this her way of asking for space, which I did not grant her, so she had to end it?

If it is crazy is time the only thing that will get her off my mind?

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TIME is not the only thing that will help you get her off your mind and heal, but it is the key factor.
It is important in almost everything we do in life. It takes time to be a baby, time to learn to take that first step, time to learn to speak your first words, and time to grow (i.e. adolescence, adulthood, in love, out of love.. )

It has been my experience that those who cannot be patient and reflect are the ones speeding into one crisis after another. Life and love is not a race. Unfortunately society urges fast-paced efforts in career moves and material gains, but it does not work with the human factor and our emotions.

Time is what is needed to reflect and heal not only our emotions, but also our physical illnesses and injuries. It takes time to heal a broken bone with the aid of a cast, just as time is needed to heal a broken heart with the aid of inner strength to heal.

Whether you believe in a God or not, you can count on your comprehension skills and learn from all of your life's experiences and have the free will to better yourself and plan a path appropriate to your needs.

What you have learned from this past relationship is that you will be more receptive when your partner states key words, such as 'space' and respecting the free will of others. Communication, patience and time are important in each step on your way.

So, dear, good healing, and stay with us.
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Thanks Cherry. I know that time will help to heal what I have been going thought however I just can not get it out of my head that I want her back. Tomorrow will mark 1 month since we split up (10 true days of NC) and I can't stop thinking how immature I was in the relationship, the mistakes we both made that hurt each other, and I really want to give it another chance to be something special. Am I crazy or do most people go through these emotions? If it is not meant to be then when will I stop wanting to get back with her so I can go out and be committed to dating again?

Its pretty normal what your feeling.. I guess your still in denial.. but staying too long in that "phase" won't be of any help to you.. You got to move on because the longer you stay, the longer you'll hurt.. Its very hard.. We all understand you!! but you must get it in your head that you are not going to get back together.. Maybe one day you do, but you can't think about that right now... YOu got to focus on YOU.. Getting better, becoming a better person, and seriously what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.. The world keeps moving, & change is part of life.. You got to accept she's gone

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Originally Posted by 4FRNT

If it is not meant to be then when will I stop wanting to get back with her so I can go out and be committed to dating again?

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That's up to you.. some people get stuck for years.. but you can choose for how long you will feel like crap... start your recovery right now... Keep busy, go out with friends, meet awesome people, read... always do something to keeep your mind entertain.. Time makes is easier... be patient.. it will be hard, but there's light at the end of the tunnel

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Originally Posted by 4FRNT

Am I crazy or do most people go through these emotions?

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Yep. We're all crazy that way. Usually it's worse if we got dumped instead of dumping, but we all tend to feel it to some degree. Normal.

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If it is not meant to be then when will I stop wanting to get back with her so I can go out and be committed to dating again?

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Your question is actually part of the problem. How do you MAKE yourself stop thinking about something? The more you try, the more you think about.

Asking questions like this are actually part of the problem. You're always going to have your feelings for her. The only way to get past this is to get busy with the rest of your life and insert yourself into situations where some good new prospects are in sight.

You have to just live your way through this. But you can. We all have.

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Originally Posted by 4FRNT

Thanks Cherry. I know that time will help to heal what I have been going thought however I just can not get it out of my head that I want her back. Tomorrow will mark 1 month since we split up (10 true days of NC) and I can’t stop thinking how immature I was in the relationship, the mistakes we both made that hurt each other, and I really want to give it another chance to be something special. Am I crazy or do most people go through these emotions? If it is not meant to be then when will I stop wanting to get back with her so I can go out and be committed to dating again?

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You will learn from your immaturity - we all do and grow.

You'll stop when you stop dwelling on the past. You have no control over how she feels or thinks, only what you do with yourself from now on and how you will act with the next person - without comparing - as this is also a risk factor. Treat each new person as a unique individual and never do the comparison bit - it's unfair to them and to you.

Take the advice of those of us who reassure you that in time, it will be easier and try your best to keep busy doing new things and meeting new people.


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Break ups always hurt, the difference is in your ability to handle them. The first is bad, not knowing what to do. Even with knowledge, and experience, its rough.

Thanks again for all the support. I am starting to feel better about the situation. I like the advice from Damaged saying I can choose how long I feel like crap for. I also know this is a learning experience and I am trying to get the most out of it to make myself a better person and partner in the end.
So quick update it had been 1 month since we split and 12 days of NC. What should I do if she contacts me? How do I not fall into the trap again and have to repeat this process all over? When we first split up I told her we would not be friends, and I want to stick to that. We were not friends before and we won't be friends after. We do however have tons of mutual friends and will see each other frequently. Any advice on how to handle this situation?

The pain gets worst every time , and it doesn't make it any easier , just forget you met them if you can and go on.