Ask Me Help Desk - I'm so confused!To be with him or not?

Hi to start I am a 22 year old female... I had a rough child hood and seemed to chose to hang around the wrong crowd!. Until about 2 years ago did I change myself for the better!. I am so happy with my life now!. I used to be on drugs and do bad things... But anyway I'm clean and happy... I feel like most of the reason that I changed my life was because of a guy I met... I met my boyfriend when I was still abusing drugs... He helped me get through that!! I really love him for that... Now I told you my age let me tell you his... he is 47 years old... he is 25 years older than me and has two kids and I have none... He also has a crazy ex wife... who calls him at least 15 times a day... I do have a jealousy problem... so I definitely can't stand that as you could imagine... Anyways I have left him three times in two years and I keep coming back because I don't feel like I could be with out him... But when I get back with him after a while I still feel like I want to be on my own... I kind of feel like I never got to live my life... and I feel now that is what I would like to do... Plus I feel more free when I am single... and I love that feeling... the only thing is he is struggling right now and can't even afford to pay bills... I work and he can't find a job... He was involved with all of this mortgage mess... I don't want him or anyone to feel like it is the money for the reason I feel this way because it is not!. I have always struggled my whole life and had to bust my butt for myself... I mean I never thought I had a problem with our age... but he is one year older than my mom and dad :(... I really don't know what to do... Now I would still have to struggle by myself or not... I just don't know?! I'm also not attracted to him like I use to be... His sex is no good to me anymore... I don't know if it is him since he lost his drive or if its me... Please someone help me decide what I should do! I do feel like I love him but I don't know!! By the way I forgot to say that we are engaged... he proposed to me in March!! :(

I am glad and happy for you that you changed your life around for the better and knew it was hard and a struggle, but you did. You deserve a round of applause.

Now to your boyfriend, what does your parents think about you being with him?

It seems that you really know what you want and right now you don't want him and you need to remove yourself from this relationship, otherwise if you stay you won't be happy with yourself so be honesty with yourself and him. He lived his life and your just starting yours. It sounds like you no longer love him and what's a relationship without that. If you stay you might cheat and that's not good.

It seems like you already know what you want to do, but don't know how. Simply communicate your feeling with him and he should understand. You feel that you should not leave him since he fell on hard times and he helped you through yours. You can remains friends with him but overall be honest with yourself and him. Continue on building your life and getting it in order.

Quote:

Originally Posted by abtownsend

Hi to start off I am a 22 year old female....I had a rough child hood and seemed to chose to hang around the wrong crowd!......Until about 2 years ago did I change myself for the better!...I am so happy with my life now! ..I used to be on drugs and do bad things....But anyways I'm clean and happy.....I feel like most of the reason that I changed my life was because of a guy I met....I met my boyfriend when i was still abusing drugs....He helped me get through that!!!! I really love him for that....Now I told you my age let me tell you his.....he is 47 years old.....he is 25 years older than me and has two kids and I have none.....He also has a crazy ex wife.....who calls him at least 15 times a day....I do have a jealousy problem....so i definitely can't stand that as you could imagine....Anyways I have left him three times in two years and I keep coming back because I don't feel like I could be with out him....But when I get back with him after a while I still feel like I want to be on my own...I kind of feel like I never got to live my life...and I feel now that is what I would like to do....Plus I feel more free when I am single....and I love that feeling....the only thing is he is struggling right now and can't even afford to pay bills....I work and he can't find a job...He was involved with all of this mortgage mess....I don't want him or anyone to feel like it is the money for the reason I feel this way because it is not!!!!!.....I have always struggled my whole life and had to bust my butt for myself....I mean I never thought I had a problem with our age....but he is one year older than my mom and dad :( .... I really don't know what to do......Now i would still have to struggle by myself or not....I just don't know???!!!!! I'm also not attracted to him like I use to be....His sex is no good to me anymore....I don't know if it is him since he lost his drive or if its me.....Please someone help me decide what I should do! I do feel like i love him but I don't know!!!!!!!! By the way i forgot to say that we are engaged...he proposed to me in March!!!! :(

Hey thank you for your opinion... that really helped me out... I don't really have anyone to talk to... I don't have any friends because he is the only person I hang around... I go to work and come home to him... my dad likes him I think because he really helped me drug wise... my mom thinks he is a liar... ony because he always tells me he has all this money put away but I mean he can't even pay our bills!. I know I wouldn't cheat on him though because I'm not that type of person but I see what you are saying too!
Thank you so much!!

Your man needs to be able to take care of you, not just sexually and emotionally, but financially. You know that.

Being engaged is meaningless. That's as easy to undo as it was to do.

Break off the engagement, make sure you are living in your own place paying your own way and not mixing your finances with his. You can seriously consider marriage again when he can show he is financially ready and mentally motivated to care for you.

No need to break off with him completely. Until he's ready you can date. But I believe you already know that you are ready to move on and it is you history with him that is making you hesitate. Don't.

Thank him for all he's done. Appreciation is all that is required, not life long devotion. He hasn't bought that right and appears to not be able to earn it at all. And that's OK. Be honest about what you see, what you need, and if he isn't it, move on without making it the end of the world.

Stay single, because that's what you really want, and let him handle his own baggage. Glad you want to help, but he has to help himself, and you need to do as you want. Give him back the engagement ring, and be friends, but have your own life.

You both need to be standing on your own two feet. He needs to be able to handle is business and you yours.
I think you are grateful to him and love him on some level, but I don't think he is the "man " for you and you don't think so either.
Break off the engagement before this turns into a big mess.
Congratulations for getting yourself together.

Quote:

Originally Posted by abtownsend

Hi to start off I am a 22 year old female....I had a rough child hood and seemed to chose to hang around the wrong crowd!......Until about 2 years ago did I change myself for the better!...I am so happy with my life now! ..I used to be on drugs and do bad things....But anyways I'm clean and happy.....I feel like most of the reason that I changed my life was because of a guy I met....I met my boyfriend when i was still abusing drugs....He helped me get through that!!!! I really love him for that....Now I told you my age let me tell you his.....he is 47 years old.....he is 25 years older than me and has two kids and I have none.....He also has a crazy ex wife.....who calls him at least 15 times a day....I do have a jealousy problem....so i definitely can't stand that as you could imagine....Anyways I have left him three times in two years and I keep coming back because I don't feel like I could be with out him....But when I get back with him after a while I still feel like I want to be on my own...I kind of feel like I never got to live my life...and I feel now that is what I would like to do....Plus I feel more free when I am single....and I love that feeling....the only thing is he is struggling right now and can't even afford to pay bills....I work and he can't find a job...He was involved with all of this mortgage mess....I don't want him or anyone to feel like it is the money for the reason I feel this way because it is not!!!!!.....I have always struggled my whole life and had to bust my butt for myself....I mean I never thought I had a problem with our age....but he is one year older than my mom and dad :( .... I really don't know what to do......Now i would still have to struggle by myself or not....I just don't know???!!!!! I'm also not attracted to him like I use to be....His sex is no good to me anymore....I don't know if it is him since he lost his drive or if its me.....Please someone help me decide what I should do! I do feel like i love him but I don't know!!!!!!!! By the way i forgot to say that we are engaged...he proposed to me in March!!!! :(

If you take on your stuggles by yourself, it will be a challenge. Challenges make people stronger, especially if you are brave enough to take one on by yourself. The bigger the challenge the greater the reward. And this guy is exactly what you Don't need in your life. There are plenty of fish in the see. Stick to your gut, and look what's in front of you a 47 yr old man with a crazy ex wife and two kids? He obviously has some issues of his own. You don't need to be one of them.

I thank everybody for your support and honesty... I think a lot of times I feel so indecisive to where I don't know what I want to do... I do know that I can do fine on my own because I am stronger now and I've been on my own since I was 13 but I know now I can have a clean slate... I feel one day I am happy with him and then the next I feel like he is not the one for me... I don't really know how to set it straight in my mind... I always think of the good things and not the bad... that is really just how my whole outlook is on life... if anyone has any more suggestions that would be great! Thank you once again so much!

If you pull away from the situation and try to get a new perspective on what is going on, I think it would benefit you immensely. I would recommend putting some space between the two of you, though you don't need to break up with him, a little space will let you realize how you really feel about him...