Fortune teller where are you, once again ths is RUBLUE. Since my last post, What Next, no real answers ever came. This is a little poem I wrote. Again life start's in the womb. A warm safe place, that is your room. Suddenly there is light, you scream and cry, it just happens you don't know why. Here is the world cold and cruel, all is well if you follow the rule. But for some there is always pain, no matter what you do there is no gain. You drink from the vine, and it works for sometime. Then you fall to the floor, it works no more. You walk this world losing so much, then at last you can feel no one's touch. You spend years, waiting to die, and like the baby you don't know why. You reflect back on all the good and bad, but most just always it makes you sad. They say you are sick, that is why. But after their words you still want to die. You wonder if giving a chance, next life will be better, at least at first glance. Ok, I never claimed to be a poet. But I have a lot of this real pain on paper.

Hi, rublue,
I don't understand what you mean by "real answers".
Also, what is your question?
I am not a psychic, don't pretend to be. But someone here can help with an answer if you know what the question is. Thank you.

Oh Fred, Fred, Fred. You replied to my post, WHAT NEXT? Again, you just don't get it. What I mean by a real answer, is, no psychic, or person claiming to be ever answered my question. WILL THE PAIN EVER STOP ? I follow directions well. Go to AA, NA, CHURCH, SHRINK, THERAPIST. I see many people, but always VERY MUCH ALONE! My purpose in life, is to take care of Baby my cat. She is never in want. It seems that a attractive 6'4 230lb man should maybe have something to offer the world. Not so. They say time heels all wounds. What a load of crap!! Any one who reads this should first start with my first post, WHAT NEXT ? I am still loking for a person who claims to have the ability of psychic power for some answers. Keep in mind I am not STUPID! ANYTHING anyone tells me, will be taken with a so called grain of salt. I believe it would be interesting. It's that simple.

You don't need answers from a Psychic. If you are having problems and you feel pain, then that's because you are not dealing with them. You have to want to help yourself for others to help you. I used to suffer with depression, but I came through because I have will power, determination and great support from family, friends & colleagues.

Wow!! DJ. You don't think I want to help myself ? Excuse me, do you have a DR. or PHD after your name ? You think this is all about willpower? You probably think Alcoholism, is the persons own fault. They are weak, and have no willpower. Until you have the ability to walk in my shoes, and have had the life experience I have had. Please keep your SHALLOW comment's to yourself. Yea this is all my own crybaby fault. I like living like this. Get a CLUE!!

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Originally Posted by RUBLUE

Wow!!!! DJ. You don't think I want to help myself ? Excuse me, do you have a DR. or PHD after your name ? You think this is all about willpower? You probally think Alcoholism, is the persons own fault. They are weak, and have no willpower. Until you have the ability to walk in my shoes, and have had the life experience I have had. Please keep your SHALLOW comment's to your self. Yea this is all my own crybaby fault. I like living like this. Get a CLUE!!!

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Wow - that was really random, and very harsh. I am a good, non-judgmental person who comes here to help people. I do not think any of those things about you or anyone at all. I was merely trying to share an experience I have had with you and what got me through it.

But if that is what you truly believ of me then I am sorry I spoke and will not continue to offer you any kind of help or support.

Ok DJ. Maybe a little harsh, but not random. I spend many hours every week trying to help myself. Do you think I would waste so much time seeing DR's, Therapist, going to AA, NA, CHURCH. Many hours in prayer every day, just for something to do ? You are a very lucky girl. Unlike you I have no family, friends, or colleagues for support. Only my faith in God/Jesus Christ, is my only true support.

Well if you allow me to and others on this site like Fredg we can offer you help and support. I have made many friends on this site and they helped me through so much. I am not judgmental and have so many problems in my lifetime that I can connect with anyone. I know problems like alcoholism goes deeper and if you just need someone to talk to then I am a great listener and can offer some advice on occasion, as long as it is not out of my depth.

Rublue, god you have so much pain in your poem, but as there is no such thing as a psychic no one can help you in that case. I see that you believe in god. Well I tell you what, in this moment of time the devil has a hold of you. That's where the pain is coming from.god won't help you and neither will doctors to a certain degree. They can hide your loneliness but its always going to be there. The vine will drag you further down, walk away from it. Death doesn't come until god chooses. Don't wait for death. The grip of depression has you and the best way to beat this is you. Nobody in the world can save a person more than ourselve. Nobody who hasn't gone through what you are going through can cure you or erase the pain but they can help, a human has the ability to beat anything but you need to find something that's inside you, which you haven't yet found to rid your pain. You can't give up, you will not. You're not going to solve your pain in a day, month, year or even years but you can start fighting now and deal head on with those who have wronged you. Its ultimately up to you to deal with the pain, but help is help and its priceless. Keep posting. Easing the pain can be found in strange places,you just have to open your heart to the right people. Somewhere there is an answer to your pain.

"I have no family, friends, or colleagues for support. Only my faith in God/Jesus Christ"

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Rublue, do you think perhaps that this might be at the root of your problems? Do you literally have NO family? Or just don't get on with them? Have you NEVER had friends? Or do they find you too much hard work to keep up with? I don't know your exact circumstances but if you are a member of a church, surely this is made up of both priest and congregation?
Faith in "God/Jesus Christ" would seem a poor substitute for even the casual companionship of real human beings, perhaps you should seek another church with more outgoing and active parishioners who will include you in their lives.

Again thank's to Nav and DJ for your comments and support. Nav, the human brain is the most complex, and unknown organ of the human body. Science has only just begin to start to understand the workings of the brain. Most humans use only a very small part to function. I truly believe there are few who somehow are able to tap and use resources most people can or will not believe. There is much evidence to support my statement. So in turn these people have the ability to tap in the so called dead zone of the brain that we can not. I do believe in psychic ability to a point. Not that I can find that person here. But anyone who claims, hey it is all interesting.

No Zip I do not have any family, or real friends. You are very right when you said you DON'T KNOW MY CIRCUMSTANCES. Yes I have had friends, mostly fair weather. All my life I have been a loner, except for girlfriends and wife. One thing, being a alcoholic/addict for over 3 decades, there are some things you MUST give up. Pretty much everyone I knew for starts. Regarding my church. I do have few friends there. But by my own fault, I do not allow myself to get close. Even though I want and need them. Maybe because of so much loss in my life. And lack of trust. Or I could take the next 3 or 4 hours trying to explain my mental disorders to you. That's not going to happen. My therapist want's to put me in a intence hospital setting for at least 30 days for detox. Not from street drugs or alcohol. But the psych drugs I have been on for the past 11 years. And I truly wish I could comply with her. Since starting medication thearpy, every aspect of my life, mental and physical has gotten worse. But again there is not 1 person in this world, I can trust to open my home to, and take care of Baby the wonder cat. If you want or care there is a lot of my history in WHAT NEXT, posted in this same forum. LATER!!

" Regarding my church. I do have few friends there. But by my own fault, I do not allow myself to get close. Even though I want and need them. Maybe because of so much loss in my life. And lack of trust."
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Rublue, of course we can't walk in your shoes, we all REALLY want to help you in any way we can, but you admit above that a lot of the loneliness is "self-inflicted".

Every time any of us make a new friend we take a step in the dark, most people are "okay"(however you judge that! ) some will be users, some abusers, some will have their own agenda - but (like religion) friendship needs a Leap of Faith. You get to the Second Stage of a friendship where they ask you (or you ask them) for something, their time, their help, whatever.. THAT'S the moment when your internal alarm either says "go for it" or "step away" - I think your alarm is preset to "step away" because of bad life experiences.
I can only tell you that making TRUE friends takes time and means that you mostly have to GIVE and not expect to receive, true friends will GIVE in return, their thoughts, their love and of themselves.

Hi Rublue

I have read your posts and I feel overwhelmed by just how strong you are! You have been through such a tremendous amount of pain and suffering through your life but you know deep down that there has to be more to life than this. You have a deeply sensitive soul and a lot to offer someone who is willing to reciprocate your love. This will happen again for you, of that I have no doubt. But first you need to go through a lot of self-healing.

People are around to help you. Maybe not your family or friends, but there are people who offer you help and you are subconsciously turning them away. Perhaps you feel weak accepting their genuine friendship and compassion. But take a deep breath and accept their help gracefully; this will be the turning point in your life.

Also I think it is extremely important to get your life story down on paper. This will be extremely beneficial in the healing process but I also feel with your writing talents and your dry sense of humour you could write a wonderful book! Wow, wouldn't that be some achievement!

I wish you the best of luck in climbing to the top of the mountain, I feel sure you will get there!

I have a great circle of friends with mental illness. I myself included as I am manic depressive and have OCD. But you know what? There is a time when you have to take matters into your own hands and hear the tough words that few will tell you.
There is something that you are afraid of. Something that makes you cling to your depression like a drug. You wallow in your sadness because it is something real, something that makes you feel so strongly like nothing else in your life has. You might have had a bad childhood, but crap, who hasnt? You might have been abused or neglected, join the club. But what you have never allowed yourself to have is self love, forgiveness or hope.
How can I say this? Your post is as transparent as though I were looking into the mirror 10 years ago.
The fix, well it gets tricky. First off get out of your damn house and stop hiding. Step away from the computer and go watch people at a mall or park. When you watch them you need to realize that those people out there dont have any more of a clue than you do. We all suffer, we all hurt, we all cry. But only those who think they are too weak to do anything about it let themselves fall and choose to lay on the floor rather than pick themselves up and go on.
So you need to stop enjoying the deep feelings of this sadness. Which I know you will deny doing but hey, denial is a good step forward. After you see your depression as a drug you need to find a placebo. Every time you get depressive thoughts leave the house and go for a walk and look at the world around you. Those flowers in bloom are beautiful and if nobody sees them they still are beautiful. You yourself are beautiful and if you feel that nobody sees you well guess what, you are still beautiful.
So buck up and take a stand. Get pissed off that this depression is hurting your heart. Get pissed off that you have spent so much money on doctors who havent fixed a damn thing. Get pissed off at yourself for not seeing the beauty in yourself more and get off the freaking floor.
In this world there is nobody that will save you. Not your mommy, not your daddy, friends, lovers, doctors, God........only you. God helps those that help themselves.
Get off of the floor, dust yourself off and be somebody for you. And F the rest of the world.

Hypatia

Hypatia!
It's a GREAT answer!
Millie
:) :) :)
P.S. I wondere several times about "hypatia"- what does it stand for?
M.

RUBLUE...

First and foremost let me say I am a recovering addict, I am bipolar and I am working on a doctorate in Psychology. I have debated on how to address you because I see the anger within you. You want to talk about the problem but when others offer you a solution you shoot it down. Let me tell you this... if you have the willingness to heal you will heal. There is no quick fix when dealing with a mental illness and certainly alcoholism is a disease which must be addressed on a daily basis with meetings. You are looking for something outside yourself to fix something that is within your spirit. The only solution that can be found must come from within you. Good Luck and I will pray for you...
Elyse

"Hypatia was the first woman to make a substantial contribution to the development of mathematics. She was killed by a fanatical Christian sect."

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Originally Posted by milliec

Hypatia!
It's a GREAT answer!
Millie
:) :) :)
P.S. I wondere several times about "hypatia"- what does it stand for?
M.

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RUBLUE, I agree with the prior posts, the answer to your depression is in you. To change your life you must first change your mind. If you are sick and tired of being sick and tired then you want to stop drinking... and you can. The drink will only drag you deeper into hopelessness. You must begin to visulize yourself as clean, sober, healthy and happy. Tell yourself everyday that you are. When those thoughts to the contrary start to enter your mind, stomp all over them with thoughts of clean, sober, healthy and happy. If you keep it up, soon you will become your dominant thought. You will retrain yourself to be what you "think" you are. After all, you "thought" yourself into this mess... so get yourself out of it! When you finally do get yourself out of it, nothing will be able to steal your power. Unless you just want pity, in which case, no one can help you.;)

I hope you find something in your life to make it worth while. I know how you feel. No one else can understand it. Keep writing, though. I used to write and now I can't, and I miss the release it gave me. Hope you're OK.