I'm getting increasingly depressed and confused and sometimes try to hide my feelings because they just go unanswered anyway.
I am in a loving nurturing relationship with an amazing man in almost every way. The problem is every time I make a sexual advance, it gets shot down and goes nowhere. In the beginning we would have sex all the time in various places in the home, I would initiate most of the time. Funny thing is he would be hesitant on me touching him 'there' and would push me away when I wanted to give him a blow job. He would actually say no. Then after about two months his sex drive went way down and he's always telling me he's tired. As of right now, it's 7 mo. Later and we haven't had sex for a month. I brought up conversation after conversation that were gentle and sensitive to his feelings because I didn't know if there was a 'real' problem he was dealing with. I make myself available to him all the time, he tells me he loves me constantly and his actions, except sex, proves it, but will never address the fact that we aren't having sex. I was thinking of going to a therapist for help and thought I'd try this first. I'm so desperate and sexually frustrated. Funny thing is, we're both extremely attractive - no joke. People hit on us all the time yet we go home and it's pretty boring in the bedroom. Talking doesn't help, spuratic blow jobs, touching - all this I do on a regular basis - and nothing happens. I feel so rejected by him sexually.
~All responses welcome.

Before I go into the possible reasons and some stuff you can to do maybe get him to either open up and tell you why or get him to just screw you (sorry being blunt today) I have something else to say:
You're lucky; at least you know that he's not in the relationship for sex, you know that you're not being used.

POSSIBLE REASONS:
1. He could be trying to make sure what you two have is genuine and not lust.
2. He could be having some type of other issue; medical, or something along those lines
3. some completely off the wall reason that no one can understand

SUGGESTIONS:
1.Lay back for a while play it out see where he's going; maybe if you stop initiating, he might start- I realize its going to be hard that it already is, but try respecting whatever is going on with him.
2.Take it really slow, like I mean long make-out sessions stuff like that, let him know that it goes beyond just sex, that its HIM you want... strange as it seems, guys can feel like they're being used too, its not every guys fantasy to get laid every night...
3. go out somewhere fun take long walks togather do something spontanious and out of your normal routines, I don't know... just talk about random things; pay attention to EVERYTHING he says he may end up giving you hints about what's going on; they just may not always be so, Expresive as you'd like they will probably be really subtle


*i realize I haven't said a lot that can really help you, but keep trying to talk to him... but instead of being concerned about the sexual aspect show more concern about him and what he's thinking and feeling...

First of all... I know how you feel... I went through this with my boyfriend. We had the BEST sexlife... we moved in together, all was going well... then every time I wanted to have sex, his excuse was I'm tired. Understandable, because he does work 14hrs a day. But at the end of the day... whenever he wants it.. he gets it no matter how tired I am.

I think what's needed here is something to spice up the relationship and bring the romance back. Talking to your partner hasn't seemed to work for you, so my advice is not to keep pushing it... doing that, you'll turn him off more and make him more distant from you.


You've obviously got a beautiful relationship because you said that besides this, there were no other problems.. Ha! Like mine. You know how I solved this problem? I got fed up of being frustrated and thought "thats it.. im gonna make him want me sooo badly, he can't resist!".. and that's exactly what I did.


I turned up at his house one night wearing only black leather knee high boots (his fetish) and a gorgeous dress... you should have seen the smile on his face.. I knew it worked and that the ball was in my court, so I ignored him.. and it drove him mad!! Hehehe..

Now I'm not suggesting you do this... just giving you an example. Guys need visual stimulation.. where as women need the physical stimulation. Set the scene.. let him know what's on your mind without saying anything. Another example; You said your man always says his tired.. so why not run him a bath one night , join him of course, give him a massage to relax etc... have some wine and take things from there. Once you start massaging him and touching him and everything else... he should get a little wound up.. and will be relaxed..


Taking care of your mans needs should be more important than your own right now. There's a problem... so you have to fix it. Guys don't like to open up and talk.. so you need to try and do it another way.


I hope I've been helpful. Good luck.

This is an interesting situation. I have a few thoughts on this.

Do you think he is bi but with a preference for men? He may have his real emotional attachment and passion toward men but doesn't want to come out.

Do you think he prefers other forms of sex to your kind of lovemaking? Maybe he likes to masturbate to porn and has lost interest in you because you are too demanding, dependent, and time consuming in bed?

Do you think he has found someone else?

Do you think that he is bored with sex and really doesn't enjoy it anymore?

Do you think he has psychological problems about sex? Religion or mother lurking in the background?

And, so on...

Actions always speak louder than words, girl. I hope you can work this out.


Best wishes going forward. :)

What I miss in your question is : have you ever asked him directly why he behaves like he does? And if so : what was his answer?
I would also push you away if you wanted to do a blow job on me , because I simply hate that, although in all other respects I have a normal sex life.
If you do not know what his reasons are, why do you want our guesses?
At the moment there is only one source where you should listen too : your partner.
Once you know why, many people here can provide you with proper advice. At this moment they are just swimming in the deep end, fishing for clues...

Success !

Thanks to all of you who are trying to help me in this odd turn of events. To 'Credendovidis', yes, I did ask him bluntly but very gently why he doesn't want to sleep with me. I would ask was it me, did he not find me sexually stimulating, did he not enjoy me and did I not please him? He would implore that I was wrong and profess his love for me and want to take me at that very moment, but then I felt like it was for sympathy-after all, it was weeks that I kept the conversation at bay just to figure out what was wrong with him, or me. We are very active together: biking, yoga, gym, archery, amusement parks, laser tag, all the fun stuff that lets our energy out but spread out in a reasonable amount of time as to not have us both constantly exhausted. I consider myself a very intuitive person, but I just don't get what is going on with him. It's been a month now and we kiss, pet and hug each other, coo at each other with constant 'I love you's' but 99.9% of the time doesn't go past that. I am conservative in a way that I like for him to pursue me more often and never say no to him - I WANT to make love to him - I LOVE him. It's just that if I left it all up to that, we'd never have sex. So, this is the most I've ever pursued a man sexually in my life (kick to my ego) aside from that, when I do I get rejected 99.9% of the time (another kick to my ego and I feel as attractive as a wet cat). The thing is this, I am the communicator in the relationship and understand he needs space and time just to open up a little bit. I believe myself to be extremely patient and giving to the point of lunacy but never self sabbotaging - in a healthy way. It really pains me to give of myself in various ways that are so obvious: walking around in lingerie, giving massages, constantly kissing him, playing in his air, words of affection, all in a loving intimate way. Not that it all has to lead to sex, of course not, that's not what I want. However, it would be a nice 50/50 split. Is that too much to ask? He likes to please me occasionally, kissing me there, fingering me, then when I'm all hot and bothered and want to take his boxers off, he pushes me away and wants to continue. I just don't understand. Talking about it doesn't make a lasting difference, visuals barely work(he does say how sexy I am and how lucky he is), moping is silly and masturbating-should be something you want to do, not have to do because you're not getting any from the boyfriend who is sooo in love with you but just won't sleep with you. I can't believe I'm going to bed, sleep right next to him naked - again, and nothing. BTW, he's 41. I've never dated anyone that age, is there something that slows down or stops or something. Please help - I really appreciate it, thank you.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by confused1234567

Please help - I really appreciate it, thank you.

---

I tried to find a real answer to the question of WHY in your response, but could not find it.

"He would implore that I was wrong and profess his love for me".
Wrong on WHAT ? On your feelings? You should have asked him why he feels that way, and that you at this moment and without a proper answer from him can only translate his low sexdrive as something that is endangering your relationship.

As far as I can see he is just trying to sidestep your question, and if that is correct it is a bad indication for an ever reducing sexual drive in the future.

Discuss this with him. Suggest to jointly go to a sex therapist to see IF there is anything that can be improved in your sex life. If he refuses, bring the same thing up a month later, indicating that for you it is important to do that. Together as a team. If he keeps refusing , go yourself to a therapist and discuss the matter and ask for his/her opinion and suggestions.

Whatever you do, do not anger your man with demands or deadlines. He seems to me to be the ideal husband for a big group of women. All that seems to fail is a high sex drive. Are you really sure he is not a bi-sexual?

Success !

I got the feeling that you two are spending a huge amount of time together. Do you think he feels smothered?

I think it would be common for a 41 year old man to have sex not more than once a week.

And, per Credendo's comment---he's being slippery answering you. That is a red flag. I agree that you are going to need couple's counselling if he isn't honest with you.

Best wishes,

Quote:

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Originally Posted by confused1234567

I'm getting increasingly depressed and confused and sometimes try to hide my feelings because they just go unanswered anyway.
I am in a loving nurturing relationship with an amazing man in almost every way. The problem is every time I make a sexual advance, it gets shot down and goes nowhere. In the beginning we would have sex all the time in various places in the home, I would initiate most of the time. Funny thing is he would be hesitant on me touching him 'there' and would push me away when I wanted to give him a blow job. He would actually say no. Then after about two months his sex drive went way down and he's always telling me he's tired. As of right now, it's 7 mo. later and we haven't had sex for a month. I brought up conversation after conversation that were gentle and sensitive to his feelings because I didn't know if there was a 'real' problem he was dealing with. I make myself available to him all the time, he tells me he loves me constantly and his actions, except sex, proves it, but will never address the fact that we aren't having sex. I was thinking of going to a therapist for help and thought I'd try this first. I'm so desperate and sexually frustrated. Funny thing is, we're both extremely attractive - no joke. People hit on us all the time yet we go home and it's pretty boring in the bedroom. Talking doesn't help, spuratic blow jobs, touching - all this I do on a regular basis - and nothing happens. I feel so rejected by him sexually.
~All responses welcome.

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I have been there and still have issues, but I confronted him and we did go to counseling once, in which he said he would do better... We are slowly, after 20 years, trying to work on it, but it is a battle... He says I expect too much and I really don't think I do. I just want to have that connection and satisfaction that all wives deserve. He is wonderful in every other way like yours... so don't give up... Confront him and demand a change... it's your right... I once emailed my husband and said.what is worse... finding a lover or knowing that you pushed me to want one. That got his attention.

"Don't anger your man with demands or deadlines..." Oh, please! My husband acted worse. No amount of patience, kindness, dressing up, doing things together, having alone time, being the perfect wife or demands and deadlines worked. I finally left him for someone who wanted to have sex.

More couselling may clear things up. Women are sexual and their "requests" for sex should be treated with respect in return, not fear of anger or deadlines. When he wants to do it, you know. When you want to do it he knows, too. He is not telling you what is really going on! He owes you the truth.

Love is tactful and courageous honesty.

He might really just be tired.
On the other hand, he might not.

At his age though, it wouldn't be unlikely for his sex drive to be on the decline.

Help him relax. The bath is a good idea. If he's tired, let him rest, put him to bed... then walk in wearing sexy negligée. :P

Anything's worth a shot.

Kal

It does not die after 41 I am 43 and still have a strong sex drive, I know how you feel, it is not easy and I don't have any answers if I did I would be doing them also, maybe find a hobby ofr activity to take your mind off that,
No matter what I try nothing works

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by confused1234567

I'm getting increasingly depressed and confused and sometimes try to hide my feelings because they just go unanswered anyway.
I am in a loving nurturing relationship with an amazing man in almost every way. The problem is every time I make a sexual advance, it gets shot down and goes nowhere. In the beginning we would have sex all the time in various places in the home, I would initiate most of the time. Funny thing is he would be hesitant on me touching him 'there' and would push me away when I wanted to give him a blow job. He would actually say no. Then after about two months his sex drive went way down and he's always telling me he's tired. As of right now, it's 7 mo. later and we haven't had sex for a month. I brought up conversation after conversation that were gentle and sensitive to his feelings because I didn't know if there was a 'real' problem he was dealing with. I make myself available to him all the time, he tells me he loves me constantly and his actions, except sex, proves it, but will never address the fact that we aren't having sex. I was thinking of going to a therapist for help and thought I'd try this first. I'm so desperate and sexually frustrated. Funny thing is, we're both extremely attractive - no joke. People hit on us all the time yet we go home and it's pretty boring in the bedroom. Talking doesn't help, spuratic blow jobs, touching - all this I do on a regular basis - and nothing happens. I feel so rejected by him sexually.
~All responses welcome.

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Girl... It's time to DEMAND and answer... You are so entitled!! No matter what he is into... (work, computer stuff, someone else) you deserve to be loved... So stand up to him... If you desire to be with him... then tell him... Life is WAY too short not to have that special love in your life... Be BOLD my girlfriend... I'm trying it out and it's starting to work after 20 years of marriage...

Pop a viagra pill

It increases the libido, blood pressure...

Um... I don't think this sort of behaviour from a man you love is either amazing or loving and nurturing. I for one like a woman who is able to know what she wants and willing to be honest about it. I've never shot down anything my wife has suggested.

I'm 47, married 17 years and I get it 5-7 times a week (once in a while more) depending on just how much work we are doing.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by simoneaugie

He is not telling you what is really going on! He owes you the truth.

---

This is the bottom line. It may be that he doesn't know himself, but even if that's the case, he owes it to you to find out. My guess (and that's all it is) is that he's bi or gay and hasn't come to terms with it in himself.

I am in a similar sitution. My boyfriend of 1 1/2 yrs, we don't live together, is sexually frustrating me. We have sex a couple times a week. The problem is he is very cuddly and we make out a lot and then things stop. He either rejects my advances or things just stop as he gets up to do something else. I recently found out he was maturbating to porn. I confronted him and he said he would stop. Things got better for a little while and then went back to the same. I think he is back to the porn. I only want to write this as this is what may be happening to your boyfriend. I also touch my boyfriend and give him many massages to relax him. It usually never leads to anything. The thing that also frustrates me is he never touches me down there, my breasts or my body. The sex is always doggie-style. I don't know the answers but I'm getting ready to leave him. I know I deserve more and I think you do to. Don't wait too long as life goes fast. I am 50 and my boyfriend is 51. He is also diabetic so that may have something to do with it. Maybe your boyfriend has a medical issue?
Hope things get better!

Did anyone else notice this thread is from 2008?

Closed.