Ask Me Help Desk - Feeling trapped

I've been married to my wife for 23 years and we have 3 children together. The problem is that even though I care for her I really don't want to be married to her anymore.

I am severely depressed about this. I dread the future with her. Especially if I'm the only one left at home.

I have never really been happy being married to her. I love my kids and stayed with her to be a full time dad. I have never cheated on my wife and would never do anything to intentionally hurt her. I've tried to change my feelings and find a comfort zone where our relationship is tolerable to me, but I can't stay in that zone for very long.

Recently, in the past several years, I realized that I would never be the man she needs and that she will never be the women I need. I do love her. How can you not love the women that bore you children and have been married to for 23 years? But I really don't like her. She is very immature and has tantrums when she doesn't get her way. She is a child. Sometimes she will even resort to hurting herself to get attention. We've been close to splitting several times, but I can't "pull the trigger" because I care more for her feelings than my own. She can't take care of herself. She's been a stay at home mom for the past 16 years (her choice). She was her daddy's little girl growing up. When her dad died I became her dad.

I've seen counselors (she won't go) to try to sort out my feelings, but haven't been able to.

I'm scared to leave her because she goes crazy. She has a spit personality. She can be the nicest, kindest person one moment, and then turn into a very mean and crazy person the next. When we have arguments she will resort to threats. She always threatens to take my youngest child away.

I'm not saying I'm perfect. I'm not. But when I do screw up, like forget to call her when I get to work, it isn't the end of the world. I do the right thing 90% of the time. I tell her that I'm sorry and that I didn't mean to do “it” and that I will try not to do it again, but that I will most likely screw up in the future.

My older kids (23 and 21) have a love - hate relationship with her. My oldest has asked me why I stay with her. My oldest says he hates her. He wishes I would have left her years ago, so he could have lived with me and been away from her.

I admit that they butt heads a lot and that 90% of the time it's her fault. I know that he loves her, but I also know that he can't stand being around her.

Another reason I know I'm not in love with my wife is because I have feelings for another women.

I developed these feeling over time. As I said earlier I have never cheated on my wife. This other woman has no idea how I feel. I rarely see her anymore. Maybe once or twice a year for about 5 minutes. I met her through work. When I first met her my heart felt all warm and I felt flush. As I worked with her I began to have feeling that I hadn't had in a long time. I even had an opportunity to work directly for her, but I turned it down because of my feelings. When she left I was devastated.

I think of her every day. She's single and about my age. She is absolutely the most intriguing women I have ever met. She is also very beautiful. Why she isn't married is beyond me. She is the complete opposite of my wife. Before I met her I just wanted out of my marriage, but now I want out so I can pursue her.

My feelings for the other woman aren't recent. I've had them for several years. I hate that fact that I'm staying with my wife and not pursuing her. I hate having sex with my wife because I know I'm a hypocrite. I know I'm lying to her when I say I love you (she demands I say it).

I can't bare to hurt my wife. I know she loves me. I'm her world. I treat her well because she deserves it.

I hate who I am right now.

Wow... it sounds like you are in a bad situation. I know it has to be hard to stay when you know your hearts not in it. I think you should go back to counseling. Go to a few different counselors until you find one that can really help you in your situation. Is your youngest child still living at home? If not, then it's time to make the move. You can't use that for an excuse. If they are still at home that makes it more difficult.
Pray a lot and ask God for the answers. He will provide them in time. Be patient and don't give up. Things will work out for the best in the end.

Sounds like you have to tell her that you don't love her. Be honest with her and allow her to understand that she needs to take responsibility for those issues you are taking on your shoulders.

You can't be her "daddy" and "husband" at the same time and it's really unfair for you to have her believe that you are in love with her. Be upfront and honest and let her do, think, feel whatever she needs to.

It will stir up emotions, but you really need to clear the dust and see your relationship for what it is.

Marriage counseling with a trusted person is definitely needed. 23 years is a long time and it won't change over night, but you need to make a plan for your next 23 years or more.

Hi cantpulltrigger... this cannot go on for all your sakes,your children are adults and could fend for themselves, that leaves the two of you.

It seems to me that on the one hand your wife should be seeing a doctor for some kind of medication, one minute she's up the next down, classic symptoms of depression, on the other hand going by your desciption she also sounds like a spoilt child, always wanting her own way, sadley lifes not like that and if that's the case she needs to grow up and face her responsibilities.

It seems to me that all of you are depressed, which, from what I can tell is being fuelled by this constant bickering with in the family, it has to stop, someone has to make a decision for all of your sakes, you are not their keeper but a husband and father and deserve a life of your own.

You say that you have tried all the councilling angles but this hasn't help, the sad thing is if you have out grown your relationship with your wife then I'm afraid in my opinion there is no going back ,you all have to move on, after all you've fulfilled your roll as a father and have raised your kids to adulthood ,what more are you to do!

I think that you should face the obvious and tell your wife that you cannot go on living in this minefield and that you feel it would be best for all concerned if you went your own way. OK she will throw a tantrum and threaten to do all kinds of things but stand your ground, you have right s as well as her, you never know it just might make her stand on her own two feet for once.

I'm guessing that your maybe 40's, there is no way that you should be expected to live like this for the rest of your married life, clearly it is not working and is making everyone ill keeping up the pretence.

You need to be strong, I know it's not a nice thing to go through but in the end you''ll probably become the best of friends and all get along much better, to do that though someone has to make a move ,I'm afraid that person is you.

No offence intended just my opinion

Have you tried being honest and setting boundaries? After 23 years together, why stop working now?

Quote:

Another reason I know I'm not in love with my wife is because I have feelings for another women.

Of course its easier when you think the grass is greener. No matter the reasons, talking to your wife honestly, is what you need to do as she needs to know you've had enough, and no matter what she threatens you with, stick by your guns, and stand up for yourself, something I suspect you haven't done all these years

Go fishing or something and let the dust settle while you prepare to discuss this with your wife. She may have some interesting perspective to tell you.

Talk and listen!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by DaBaAd

Sounds like you have to tell her that you don't love her. Be honest with her and allow her to understand that she needs to take responsibility for those issues you are taking on your shoulders.

You can't be her "daddy" and "husband" at the same time and it's really unfair for you to have her believe that you are in love with her. Be upfront and honest and let her do, think, feel whatever she needs to.

It will stir up emotions, but you really need to clear the dust and see your relationship for what it is.

Marriage counseling with a trusted person is definitely needed. 23 years is a long time and it won't change over night, but you need to make a plan for your next 23 years or more.

I agree, since much of your depression may have been caused by not having been honest with your wife for too long and having kept her locked into a co-dependent relationship.

Be careful with how you proceed though, since the fact you are feeling severely depressed may also be clouding your judgement, so please continue counselling and have your depression treated. You at least owe it to yourself and your wife to be sure you're thinking clearly and can act rationally while you work through your marital problems, even if your wife is unable.

Exactly!. this sounds like a co-dependancy relationship. Like I said previously, you don't need 3 daughters. You need a wife with a healthy relationship and thus you will have healthy family dynamics.

She sounds extremely manipulative and has not grown up and does not care about others and their needs. If you leave her file for physical custody of your youngest child and see if your other kids will help back you up on it.
Definitely co-dependency--why should you have to call her when you GET to work?
I can see her maybe wanting you to call her if you are going to be late coming home---BUT getting to work?? --she really has issues!!

The grass looks greener on the other side right now because you don't really know this other woman. Believe me if you leave your wife for her, down the road you will find that she is not perfect either. Nobody is.. Don't leave your wife, work it out with her. You promised you would love her and be with her for life.

Yeah leaving for another woman is not the way to go.
Leave for yourself and work out problems
THEN see the other woman AFTER all the loose ends are tied up.

Quote:

Originally Posted by CantPullTrigger

I've been married to my wife for 23 years and we have 3 children together. The problem is that even though I care for her I really don't want to be married to her anymore.

I am severely depressed about this. I dread the future with her. Especially if I'm the only one left at home.

I have never really been happy being married to her. I love my kids and stayed with her to be a full time dad. I have never cheated on my wife and would never do anything to intentionally hurt her. I've tried to change my feelings and find a comfort zone where our relationship is tolerable to me, but I can't stay in that zone for very long.

Recently, in the past several years, I realized that I would never be the man she needs and that she will never be the women I need. I do love her. How can you not love the women that bore you children and have been married to for 23 years? But I really don't like her. She is very immature and has tantrums when she doesn't get her way. She is a child. Sometimes she will even resort to hurting herself to get attention. We've been close to splitting several times, but I can't "pull the trigger" because I care more for her feelings than my own. She can't take care of herself. She's been a stay at home mom for the past 16 years (her choice). She was her daddy's little girl growing up. When her dad died I became her dad.

I've seen counselors (she wont go) to try to sort out my feelings, but haven't been able to.

I'm scared to leave her because she goes crazy. She has a spit personality. She can be the nicest, kindest person one moment, and then turn into a very mean and crazy person the next. When we have arguments she will resort to threats. She always threatens to take my youngest child away.

I'm not saying I'm perfect. I'm not. But when I do screw up, like forget to call her when I get to work, it isn't the end of the world. I do the right thing 90% of the time. I tell her that I'm sorry and that I didn't mean to do “it” and that I will try not to do it again, but that I will most likely screw up in the future.

My older kids (23 and 21) have a love - hate relationship with her. My oldest has asked me why I stay with her. My oldest says he hates her. He wishes I would have left her years ago, so he could have lived with me and been away from her.

I admit that they butt heads a lot and that 90% of the time it's her fault. I know that he loves her, but I also know that he can't stand being around her.

Another reason I know I'm not in love with my wife is because I have feelings for another women.

I developed these feeling over time. As I said earlier I have never cheated on my wife. This other woman has no idea how I feel. I rarely see her anymore. Maybe once or twice a year for about 5 minutes. I met her through work. When I first met her my heart felt all warm and I felt flush. As I worked with her I began to have feeling that I hadn't had in a long time. I even had an opportunity to work directly for her, but I turned it down because of my feelings. When she left I was devastated.

I think of her every day. She's single and about my age. She is absolutely the most intriguing women I have ever met. She is also very beautiful. Why she isn't married is beyond me. She is the complete opposite of my wife. Before I met her I just wanted out of my marriage, but now I want out so I can pursue her.

My feelings for the other woman aren't recent. I've had them for several years. I hate that fact that I'm staying with my wife and not pursuing her. I hate having sex with my wife because I know I'm a hypocrite. I know I'm lying to her when I say I love you (she demands I say it).

I can't bare to hurt my wife. I know she loves me. I'm her world. I treat her well because she deserves it.

I hate who I am right now.

Life is shorter than you think... Don't be miserable for someone else or the kids... especially when you kids know... If you take a chance on moving on... maybe your kids will see that true love does exist... by staying with their mom.. What kind of example are you giving them... stay and be unhappy or move on and show them happyness.
Good luck... follow your heart.

Quote:

Originally Posted by CantPullTrigger

I've been married to my wife for 23 years and we have 3 children together. The problem is that even though I care for her I really don't want to be married to her anymore.

I am severely depressed about this. I dread the future with her. Especially if I'm the only one left at home.

I have never really been happy being married to her. I love my kids and stayed with her to be a full time dad. I have never cheated on my wife and would never do anything to intentionally hurt her. I've tried to change my feelings and find a comfort zone where our relationship is tolerable to me, but I can't stay in that zone for very long.

Recently, in the past several years, I realized that I would never be the man she needs and that she will never be the women I need. I do love her. How can you not love the women that bore you children and have been married to for 23 years? But I really don't like her. She is very immature and has tantrums when she doesn't get her way. She is a child. Sometimes she will even resort to hurting herself to get attention. We've been close to splitting several times, but I can't "pull the trigger" because I care more for her feelings than my own. She can't take care of herself. She's been a stay at home mom for the past 16 years (her choice). She was her daddy's little girl growing up. When her dad died I became her dad.

I've seen counselors (she wont go) to try to sort out my feelings, but haven't been able to.

I'm scared to leave her because she goes crazy. She has a spit personality. She can be the nicest, kindest person one moment, and then turn into a very mean and crazy person the next. When we have arguments she will resort to threats. She always threatens to take my youngest child away.

I'm not saying I'm perfect. I'm not. But when I do screw up, like forget to call her when I get to work, it isn't the end of the world. I do the right thing 90% of the time. I tell her that I'm sorry and that I didn't mean to do “it” and that I will try not to do it again, but that I will most likely screw up in the future.

My older kids (23 and 21) have a love - hate relationship with her. My oldest has asked me why I stay with her. My oldest says he hates her. He wishes I would have left her years ago, so he could have lived with me and been away from her.

I admit that they butt heads a lot and that 90% of the time it's her fault. I know that he loves her, but I also know that he can't stand being around her.

Another reason I know I'm not in love with my wife is because I have feelings for another women.

I developed these feeling over time. As I said earlier I have never cheated on my wife. This other woman has no idea how I feel. I rarely see her anymore. Maybe once or twice a year for about 5 minutes. I met her through work. When I first met her my heart felt all warm and I felt flush. As I worked with her I began to have feeling that I hadn't had in a long time. I even had an opportunity to work directly for her, but I turned it down because of my feelings. When she left I was devastated.

I think of her every day. She's single and about my age. She is absolutely the most intriguing women I have ever met. She is also very beautiful. Why she isn't married is beyond me. She is the complete opposite of my wife. Before I met her I just wanted out of my marriage, but now I want out so I can pursue her.

My feelings for the other woman aren't recent. I've had them for several years. I hate that fact that I'm staying with my wife and not pursuing her. I hate having sex with my wife because I know I'm a hypocrite. I know I'm lying to her when I say I love you (she demands I say it).

I can't bare to hurt my wife. I know she loves me. I'm her world. I treat her well because she deserves it.

I hate who I am right now.

Life is so short and we spend so much of it being unhappy. Contrary to what many people believe, or convince themselves of, we are not meant to be miserable and unhappy. Spouses should be a compliment to each other not a means to make someone unhappy and bitter.
You should be honest with your wife. Don't leave for another woman, but do leave if you feel like there is no hope of saving your marriage- keeping in mind a marriage is more then just tolerating someone for several years...
I wonder if you all feel like you are walking on egg shells every day, never knowing when they will break...
And, please don't take this in a negative way, but remember that you are a man, not a child- you have a right to be a man in this relationship. Quit, giving in to her and start standing up to her. Your feelings and thoughts should matter. As it is, I doubt she respects you at all. She seems used to you giving in and tolerating her moods and behaviour.

I think that you are being dishonest. You do not sound as if you love your wife, but perhaps you feel you should. You sound as if you hate her. Why else would you mention that your eldest child hates her and thinks that you should leave her?

If you leave her, leave her because you know you don't want her, but want another woman. Everything else is just excuses.

Don't stay with her out of cowardice. It won't make you a better person. It will just make her feel more trapped.