Can't figure it out by myself
All right I'm back with a more complicated situation, some of you may have read my first problem but it wasn't read that much so I'll re-write with more detail, you can skip that paragraph though because the question and what you need to know for the question's in the second one, this is just for you guys to understand my situation and how it happened:
I'd also like to add that there's a lot of text to read so you'll need a good memory cause that's basically what happened between us in the last year with the least details possible, I have more reasons but they're somewhat trivial and you'd also need a lot of patience.
My best friend from... well since I learned how to read fell for a girl waaaay out of his league, the kind of girl in my league unfortunately in my head I classified her grade A cause she looked so damn good and in our school, good looks and good personnalities never really mixed so when I saw her picture on his phone and guessed so I said "go for it" only because over the years we drove apart, he was staying as simple as I first met him and I liked having a puppet to move at will and thought it fun to see his heart get crushed, I'm not a bad person he just only learns things the hard way. Long story short she wasn't as bad as I thought, in fact for over half of this year I thought I fell for her but I just told myself that I felt this way only because I always surpassed him in every single way... even relashionships. When he finally popped the question, a week after valentines day; the very day I guess I guess I hallucinated the fact that she asked me to be her boyfriend cause she didn't seem to remember anything when I tried to bring it up; she accepted his proposal because she knew all along that he liked her and even though I like this about her she was unfortunately a loving soul and couldn't bare to reject a guy as fragile in every was as him. When he told me he hooked up with her, I couldn't believe it.. so I went out and asked her out to check if she'd brake up with him in a snap but deep inside I felt like she'd reject me, not because I'm me but because she didn't know me enough to realise I wasn't too close to my supposedly best friend and she did reject me for that very reason, she actually thought that he sent me to ask her out, she told me so when I lied and said I was only trying to make sure he dosen't get screwed again, at that time I was convinced that she really liked him this way I even thought that I didn't like her that way because I left with a smile but at the second she told me her suspicions my smile faded, I realised I knew it all along and that I wasn't free of that feeling, I was only just beginning to face the consequences of my acts. Months later rumors started, they said I was in love with her, some said she loved me and others that we both felt the same way about each other but the rumor that I loved her prevailed and became the main thing I'd hear about, I've been confronted more then once and asked if it was true, once I even turned red from the pressure because it lasted over half an hour, they didn't hurt or even threaten to hurt me, they just tried to destroy my reputation and confidence, unintetionnaly but the act was still there, I came to think that thy wanted this to happen, I'm known to be skinny, but strong, quiet but only when I'm expected to be, overall evrything at once. So to make sure I don't drag her reputation in the dirt with me I just stopped talking, laughing with and getting near her, then I eventually apologised and told her the rumors were killing me, she was apparently ignoring them so then she had the idea that we were to meet in secret if we couldn't meet in public, the only thing that idea did was reinforce my theory, the one where she likes me as much as I like her. That's where I left last time.
Well turns out that after all that I decided that it was good enough that we were friends and that I don't need her to acknoledge me as her boyfriend or to tell me she has feelings for me but now that school's over and I didn't have the convenience of seeing her every day I noticed that I couldn't spend too much time without talking to her, in only 5 days we sent each other a total of 410 text messages, the only thing that stopped us was her 10 day trip to spain although I litteraly spent the whole 24 hrs before that trip texting her, those ten days were litteraly ed up for me, on the eve of the last day my 4th dream in which she appears since she left was the weirdest and I just refuse to talk to anyone about it and this site isn't an exception, lately I went to see a movie with her and her friend for it not to be weird, and it was nice, nothing happened and all three of us talked for about 20 minutes until her friend's mom came to pick them up. I was just happy because I got to see her, about 3 days ago, we were talking and ended up talking about her relationship with my "best friend" she directly said that she accepted out of pity not only because she didn't want to brake him but also because he was the guy who was the further away from trying to.. well be a good boyfriend. Also I found out I might have Bipolar Disorder, although I'm going to ask about that in about five minutes when I told her about my doubt she went on wikipedia to check it out and thought she might have it too, the main part I see in it is that we're both creative, she draws extremely well and I'm seemingly a good ( comedy ) writer.
So now considering all we've been through, where the hell do I stand in her point of view?
