Hi,
I am new to this forum. I need some advice, please? My husband and I met and started dating 10 yrs. Ago. We got married after 5 years of dating. My husband won custody of his 17 yr. old daughter and his 18 yr. old son a year ago, they came to live with us. My husbands oldest son who is 21 still lives with us also. Talk about drama. All the kids are totally disrespectful to me. When I get off work, I want to go home to peace. There is no peace. It's always yelling, screaming, and argueing. I cannot seem to deal well with his children lying all the time. I loose my temper, then we argue. It's almost ridiculous. I was never madly deeply in love with my husband. I do love him though. He WAS a good provider. Now, HIS life is ALL about his kids. I feel as though I am always in a competition with them. I can't take it anymore. I am seriously considering a divorce. Any advice?? Sheila

IMO:

Talk to him.
It may not help, the pressure is also on him but it will not improve until you do talk. Divorce should be your last thought, threats made by either party will not be handled well until you have a "clear the air" chat.

Explain your concerns about the pressures the kids etc in a quiet environment, preferably away from the kids.

If you can have a good conversation and discuss the problems that I am sure you both have, fine as long as there is a resolution. If it becomes a slanging match, it may be easier just to slip away quietly.

If you have the quiet chat and are both happy, both of you will have to confront the kids and put them in their place. They are meant to be adults, start acting like it and take some responsibilities.

Been down this road, I didn't talk to her and now we are apart. Must admit though I do miss her. We get on well now living in different places, see each other occasionally. But there will never be anything more. Work at the relationship talk to each other.

Hi, cowgirl,
I am so sorry to read this.
My first marriage ended in divorce after 7 yrs, with two small children. My second marriage now is going on over 29 yrs, to a wonderful woman. I help raise my step-daughter, since she was 5. She now has a family, and we have an 8 yr old grandson; the joy of our lives.
It does no good, as you know, to get mad and start screaming at the kids, and lose your temper. Your husband is the one to straighten this out.
Now, with that said, you have two options, as I see it:
1. If your husband will go with you to Marriage Counseling, and even the kids, too, it would worth your while, and his. But, going by yourself isn't going to help anything.
2. If you husband won't go, then it's time to see a lawyer, about Separation Papers (is applicable in your State), leading up to Divorce.
I really don't like to suggest Divorce, but since I have been there... done that... there sometimes is no other way.
Please try getting you husband to go to counseling with you. But, if he refuses, then he just plain doesn't see what he and the family are doing to you. You will be much happier, in the long run, to get out. I do wish you the best, and good luck.
PS; Sometimes, knowing you are just talking with a lawyer forces things to get much better at home... but not all the time.

OH, we have talked and yelled over it all for the last 7 years. I mentally can't take it anymore. I feel as though I am going to have a nervous breakdown. You have to understand this... He has been a Sherriff in out town for over 25 years... he is HARD... to deal with... I just want to run as far and fast as I can away... and I am no young chick. I will be 40 in may, this is my second marriage... my first we were HS Sweethearts and divorced after 12 years together. Our home and marriage are so toxic now. It is way worse than my first marriage... any more advice?

Thank you. This has all been going on way too long. He thinks I expect too much from his kids. Seriously doubtful. Yes, I expect them to take care of their responsibilities but, that doesn't happen. He even pays the 21 yr. old's bills... that is a real torch in my side. He is very manipulative, so says my mother. I did leave him once for about 6 months, moved to Florida with my mom and he wouldn't leave it alone. He would do whatever it took to make me happy... WELL, I AIN"T HAPPY :-(
I truly don't know what to do...
I don't even want to consider counseling with him at all...

I would suggest one last, calm, rational, discussion where you lay it out - Things have to change or you have to go. Set a time limit with tangible goals that you can mark out. If things do not get better, you have to move on for your own sanity.

It's always one more time. I just want out. I'm tired, I'm scared, having to go live with my mom again at 40, that's ridiculous...

OOPS! BUT every little bit helps me. Thank you :-)

Hi,
OK, if you don't want to consider counseling with him, and don't want to stay with him, there is only one option left:
Please talk with a lawyer.
He/she can advise you on what to do to get a divorce. The longer you put it off, the more pain you will be going through with your husband and his family.

I think Fred is on track here... It certainly seems you do not want to continue in your marriage, so get your lawyer and get your divorce, and move on.

I agree with Fred also. I am scared to death though. He always threatens if I leave, I leave with nothing...

IF it was me:

Time to move on. Life is too short. I'm 50 next month, split from my wife of 17 years last year.Sad at the time, but no screaming matches, we just came to the end of the relationship. We actually like each other now, occasionally we see each other. But we both know it's nothing more. Life is good. (it's what you make it that counts)

You are so right! Why am I so scared though? I should have known, everything is IN HIS name only...

That's why you need the lawyer... ;)

Well, I was going to say that the younger kids shoud be on their own soon enough, but if the 21 is at home with no plan to leave that may not be true.

And your later posts pretty much say you want out, so waiting isn't going to do much.

You've heard the expression how do you eat an elephant... one bite at a time, right? Well, my version of that is sometimes you have to eat the elephant A*^ first. Not pretty, but the sooner you start, the sooner its done.

BUT don't do something that you might regret later; be sure that this is what you want. I disagree with the earlier comment that counseling is useless unless he goes with you. I was unhappy; I went to a counselor and was amazed to hear that I wasn't being unrealistic in my perceptions. By talking it over with a neutral ear I became comfortable that I was making the right decision to end the marriage.

And another thing -- you think 40 is over the hill? Hoo-ee have you got a lot to learn!

Thank you. I didn't say 40 was over the hill. Raising my 4 Step children has been no easy task. We have started counseling. TOGETHER! Thank you all for your advice. I will keep you updated!