Good morning everyone,
I am a single mother raising four brilliant (when they want to be:rolleyes: ) children.
I have been dating a guy who they looked to as their father for six years. We have a troubling relationship, we argue, disagree and just recently began to fight.
He has always been a wonderful provider for the kids and I. And he goes above and beyond his call of duty when it comes to us. He was raised in the streets and has had a rough life. He has changed a lot of his bad habbits since we have been together yet some he kept.
Okay, here's my problem. Three weeks ago we got into it because he traded this guy a gold chain I bought him for a fake chain (He got swindled!) The chain that I bought him as a Valentine's gift cost me well over $800.00. That's a lot of money when you have very little. So anyway, when I noticed the chain that I had bought him was missing from around his neck, during yet another debate, I asked him about it. He told me the situation and I immediately got upset... PISSED! I tried to yank the new, "fake" looking chain from around his neck and it popped!
He got very angry and started punching me nonstop in my face over and over and throwing punches to my body. I didn't fight back, I just balled up and let him hit me. I was shocked to say the least.
He blacked my eyes gave me bumps and bruises. My children were right there and saw it happen. They tried to fight him, trying to take up for me.
We didn't talk to him for over a week. Then he started calling and texting me and going up to my kids school. He wanted us to know how sorry he was and how he was soooooo wrong and wish he had never done it. He says he'll go to anger management classes if he could only get his family back. He also said that the chain he traded the one I bought for, was a fake, just like I thought.
My dilima is this... Yes, after the anger wore off, I did start missing him after about six or seven days. I expected that part because he's been in our lives for so long. We were always breaking up and making up, ALWAYS!
I missed him yes, but yet and still, I was certain that I did not want to deal with a man who could and would put his hands on me, and especially in front of my children. I know what the result can be... I've read that book, saw that movie.
However, I need his help finacially. I have over $1,000 dollars left in bills to pay for this month alone, to which he is more than excited to help me pay (ofcourse) I want the help, I want him to get help, but I'm confused. He was always our provider. I don't work or drive and it's been hard to make it without him.
All of my children but one, has forgiven him and are willing to take him back, But only if he seeks help like he says he wants. I talk to my kids all the time about this, to see where their heads are at. I don't want my daughters to think it's okay for their boyfriends to do the same to them when they get upset. And I don't want my son's to think that it is ever okay to put their hands on a girl no matter what.
My ex has really put me in a bind because he and I raised them to believe that men don't hit women, but then he goes and does it.
I do want to say, that he is a decent person to everyone most all of the time, including me. There were times when I gave him GOOD reason to probably want to hit me, but he would always walk away.
What should I do. Should I walk away from all I know and love and struggle with the kids? Or, should I go back to the financial stability and love that we are so use to? By the way my mom & dad are now dead set against him.

No.

Your parents are right.

Stay away from this guy. Get a TRO if you have to. No guy is ever EVER worth it if he starts hitting you.

Press charges?

I thought about writing a long-drawn out reply, but I realized that many more will follow. I'm pretty infuriated by what happened, and I'm so terribly sorry that it did. Bottom line: stay away from this guy.

I agree.

Don't stay with him one second longer. I know you love him, and he helps with the bills, etc, but do not do this to yourself. Anothing thing that is bothering me, is why he traded a present that you bought him? To me that is wrong, and of course the hitting... That goes without saying.

So sorry to see this, I must say that hitting is hitting, and if you've once done it what stops you from doing it again once the habit is there?
Do you think he can control his anger better next time?
We are not talking about a small slap here either, but pure assault.. I wouldn't forgive it, although I know your mind will try to justificate it due to your feelings for him, try to step out of the role as his date/lover/girlfriend and see it from someone else's eyes,
I think you might come up with the same answer as I did.

He got angry about a chain and started punching you.. He left you bruises & bumps... now what about something of greater value? -he can kill you!. Please get away from this guy... If he hit you once, he WILL do it again!. we know you love him & need him due to financial needs, but what if one day he hits your kids?? t... Get your kids & leave.. Ask your parents for the money, and stay away from this guy...

"We have a troubling relationship, we argue, disagree and just recently began to fight."

Abuse is not just about him punching you in the face. He WILL DO IT AGAIN.

I would rather be with out money than for my kids to watch them shovel dirt on my coffin.
If you had said he slapped me, then I would say eh you may be able to let him back in and get help together. But read again what you wrote.

"He got very angry and started punching me nonstop in my face over and over and throwing punches to my body. I didn't fight back, I just balled up and let him hit me. I was shocked to say the least.
He blacked my eyes gave me bumps and bruises. My children were right there and saw it happen. They tried to fight him, trying to take up for me."

Your kids will not feel safe, every time they know that you or he is angry they will worry.
If they hear you raise your voice they will tremble.
Is this how you want those kids to live? Your asking too much to soon. If he really loved you and wanted to get help. He would man up and do it whether you let him come back or not. If he was living with you and helping to pay the bills, then he will man up and give you the money to pay them. That is his obligation to his family and IF he is a man he will do it.

Btw they will say they want him back to please you because they know what you want and they love you. For their sake make him stay away, there is nothing worse for a child than to feel unsafe in its own him... my heart aches for them. Please don't make these babies go through that.

Me personally I would not ever take a chance on this man again. Actually if he did that to me his @ss would be facing serious charges or his penis would be gone.
You love him I don't and I have seen women take them back after they have done worse and more often.
I am telling you this because I have seen it, this man is explosive and it's not going to go away on its own he needs some serious counseling, possibly some medication. You need one on one counseling, eventually couples counseling and family counseling. It took 4 years to get to this point and a few sessions will not solve anything.

This may have been the first time he hit you, but I bet he has shown some real anger problems... punching walls, throwing things, getting in your face... these things always progress.

Your not blameless, You let it go this far. Why? You chose him. Why? You need to go figure that out or you will end up with another one if you two don't make it.

1- 800-799-7233 domestic abuse hotline call them and talk to them.

Leave him

Your children are children and do not understand the gravity of this situation. Of course all but one forgive him! They realize that you want them to and they want YOU to be happy! In the end the message you're sending to them is that your safety is worth sacrificing as long as he continues to pay your bills. You may not see it yet, but that is the message I got after reading your entire post. He's got the money, so you'll sacrifice your own health and wellbeing, possibly even your children's.

I don't mean to sound harsh, I'm merely trying to make a point. He broke the trust you had, he broke the law in hitting you, and he could have killed you. Equally bad, your children saw it all take place, and now they see you willing to put up with it. That is a awful lesson for them to learn and as children they don't fully understand. They may say they're fine now, but trust me, as adults they will become very angry... they'll never forget what they saw. My mother was abused by my dad and I used to get angry at HER for putting up with it.

Show your children what a strong woman you can be and take control! This is an unhealthy relationship and it sounds like the people around it can see that very clearly. Stand up and take care of your family in the face of abuse. Nothing you can say will forgive what he's done to you and your babies.

Leave him, once again I'm agreeing with everyone and won't put a long post because this doesn't even warrant it like Sneezy said. Screw this guy, tell him to go into a bar and say he beat on his wife and see what happens to him. He needs to have his a*s whooped and shown how to treat a lady

First off he didn't hit you he beat you down like a man in the streets in front of your kids. The beating from him left you with a black eye ana bruises and you feel it was your fault no. Don't ask your kids if they want him back you're the adult and should not accept him back and allow your kids to see this because once you accept his back you are approving this behavior and what will happen the next time.

It might be hard move on and think he is the only guy out there that would accept you and your four kids but stay strong and put them first in your life over this abusive guy because he's not a man but boy.Get a job to help pay your bills and are you receiving support from the kids father because if you not you need to start because remember if you love your kids and self he won't be back in your life. If that was me he be more scar of my father and brother than jail because I've 7 brothe and they all would have took turns beating his a** and then dropped him out at the police station. Do you have any brothers?

He has as anger problem and maybe drug habit. Try to see if your parents can help you financially and do you have any friends that can help. If it very neccassary seek help from your public assistance office or call 1800-help-now, they can tell you will get help and referred you to free counseling and support groups in your area.

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Originally Posted by FAITH777

Good morning everyone,
I am a single mother raising four brilliant (when they wanna be:rolleyes: ) children.
I have been dating a guy who they looked to as their father for six years. We have a troubling relationship, we argue, disagree and just recently began to fight.
He has always been a wonderful provider for the kids and I. And he goes above and beyond his call of duty when it comes to us. He was raised in the streets and has had a rough life. He has changed alot of his bad habbits since we have been together yet some he kept.
Okay, here's my problem. Three weeks ago we got into it because he traded this guy a gold chain I bought him for a fake chain (He got swindled!) The chain that I bought him as a Valentine's gift cost me well over $800.00. Thats alot of money when you have very little. So anyway, when I noticed the chain that I had bought him was missing from around his neck, during yet another debate, I asked him about it. He told me the situation and I immediately got upset...PISSED!! I tried to yank the new, "fake" looking chain from around his neck and it popped!
He got very angry and started punching me nonstop in my face over and over and throwing punches to my body. I didn't fight back, I just balled up and let him hit me. I was shocked to say the least.
He blacked my eyes gave me bumps and bruises. My children were right there and saw it happen. They tried to fight him, trying to take up for me.
We didn't talk to him for over a week. Then he started calling and texting me and going up to my kids school. He wanted us to know how sorry he was and how he was soooooo wrong and wish he had never done it. He says he'll go to anger management classes if he could only get his family back. He also said that the chain he traded the one I bought for, was a fake, just like I thought.
My dilima is this...Yes, after the anger wore off, I did start missing him after about six or seven days. I expected that part because he's been in our lives for so long. We were always breaking up and making up, ALWAYS!
I missed him yes, but yet and still, I was certain that I did not want to deal with a man who could and would put his hands on me, and especially in front of my children. I know what the end result can be... I've read that book, saw that movie.
However, I need his help finacially. I have over $1,000 dollars left in bills to pay for this month alone, to which he is more than excited to help me pay (ofcourse) I want the help, I want him to get help, but I'm confused. He was always our provider. I don't work or drive and it's been hard to make it without him.
All of my children but one, has forgiven him and are willing to take him back, But only if he seeks help like he says he wants. I talk to my kids all the time about this, to see where their heads are at. I don't want my daughters to think it's okay for their boyfriends to do the same to them when they get upset. And I don't want my son's to think that it is ever okay to put their hands on a girl no matter what.
My ex has really put me in a bind because he and I raised them to beleive that men don't hit women, but then he goes and does it.
I do want to say, that he is a decent person to everyone most all of the time, including me. There were times when I gave him GOOD reason to probably want to hit me, but he would always walk away.
What should I do. Should I walk away from all I know and love and struggle with the kids? Or, should I go back to the finacial stability and love that we are so use to? By the way my mom & dad are now dead set against him.

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I can easily understand your concern for financial stability, but you have your parents right? I'm sure they are willing to help you out. I have been in your situation and although I only have one child and I can just imagine the difficulty it must be with four. My ex put his hands on me (he just pushed me against the wall) one time, that same day he was out the door! It's like they say once they cross that line, the trust issue is gone and you really don't know if they are going to ever do it again. Next time it may be worse. All I can tell you is to be firm and do not let this guy back in, think of your children, if he had total disrespect to hit you and if front of the kids, next time he might just beat on them. No man is worth you endangering your children. You need to be strong and fight to get ahead. It is not easy, trust me I know, but it is definitely possible!

I also agree with what has been said and just want to add a little more. I'm not trying to judge, just want to encourage you to do the right thing for yourself and your family. You mentioned in the beginning that your relationship was troubled and getting worse... WHY STAY! You mentioned that you don't work or drive. CAN THAT CHANGE? You will feel much better about yourself, if you gain some independence. You talk all the way through about "we", this is your decision and your relationship... be cautious in what you mix the kids up in. You need to make the right decision and own it and then present that to your children as your final answer. The back and forth will be very harmful to them and is habit forming. God Bless and Good Luck

Sweetie, he hit you? Leave. No man/woman has ANY right to hit their girlfriend/boyfriend. Ever. Period. Protect yourself and your children. File a report with the police, take out a restraining order, stay with your parents/friend, but just get away from him.

You are not a punching bag, you are a woman and a mother. NEVER let anyone hit you. That adage, "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." can be applied... He hit you, shame on him. Take action and stop it. If you stay with him, knowing that he is abusive... that would be very sad.

Yes, you may love him. Yes, he may be SO sorry. Yes, your children may adore the man. Yes, you think that he'll never do it again. But all that doesn't matter. He hit you. Don't let it happen again.

Of course your parents are dead set against the man that beat up their little girl. If it was your daughter, what would you tell her to do?

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Originally Posted by FAITH777

Good morning everyone,
I am a single mother raising four brilliant (when they wanna be:rolleyes: ) children.
I have been dating a guy who they looked to as their father for six years. We have a troubling relationship, we argue, disagree and just recently began to fight.
He has always been a wonderful provider for the kids and I. And he goes above and beyond his call of duty when it comes to us. He was raised in the streets and has had a rough life. He has changed alot of his bad habbits since we have been together yet some he kept.
Okay, here's my problem. Three weeks ago we got into it because he traded this guy a gold chain I bought him for a fake chain (He got swindled!) The chain that I bought him as a Valentine's gift cost me well over $800.00. Thats alot of money when you have very little. So anyway, when I noticed the chain that I had bought him was missing from around his neck, during yet another debate, I asked him about it. He told me the situation and I immediately got upset...PISSED!! I tried to yank the new, "fake" looking chain from around his neck and it popped!
He got very angry and started punching me nonstop in my face over and over and throwing punches to my body. I didn't fight back, I just balled up and let him hit me. I was shocked to say the least.
He blacked my eyes gave me bumps and bruises. My children were right there and saw it happen. They tried to fight him, trying to take up for me.
We didn't talk to him for over a week. Then he started calling and texting me and going up to my kids school. He wanted us to know how sorry he was and how he was soooooo wrong and wish he had never done it. He says he'll go to anger management classes if he could only get his family back. He also said that the chain he traded the one I bought for, was a fake, just like I thought.
My dilima is this...Yes, after the anger wore off, I did start missing him after about six or seven days. I expected that part because he's been in our lives for so long. We were always breaking up and making up, ALWAYS!
I missed him yes, but yet and still, I was certain that I did not want to deal with a man who could and would put his hands on me, and especially in front of my children. I know what the end result can be... I've read that book, saw that movie.
However, I need his help finacially. I have over $1,000 dollars left in bills to pay for this month alone, to which he is more than excited to help me pay (ofcourse) I want the help, I want him to get help, but I'm confused. He was always our provider. I don't work or drive and it's been hard to make it without him.
All of my children but one, has forgiven him and are willing to take him back, But only if he seeks help like he says he wants. I talk to my kids all the time about this, to see where their heads are at. I don't want my daughters to think it's okay for their boyfriends to do the same to them when they get upset. And I don't want my son's to think that it is ever okay to put their hands on a girl no matter what.
My ex has really put me in a bind because he and I raised them to beleive that men don't hit women, but then he goes and does it.
I do want to say, that he is a decent person to everyone most all of the time, including me. There were times when I gave him GOOD reason to probably want to hit me, but he would always walk away.
What should I do. Should I walk away from all I know and love and struggle with the kids? Or, should I go back to the finacial stability and love that we are so use to? By the way my mom & dad are now dead set against him.

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Stay away...

Think of it this way...

What would happen if one of your children anger him next time and he doesn't control it?

Yes... you need to end it. Please find the strength to do this. You , and especially your children have endured way too much. I have never, nor will I ever , raise my hand to any woman. It really hurts me to know that your children witnessed it. That is something they will never forget. There are a few absolute deal breakers in a relationship and beating you to a pulp is one of them. Please do not stay.

He's not worth a moment more of your thought.

Hearing this story angers me and its these types of people we could do without.

Based on your description, the relationship wasn't all that functional to begin with, throw in some abuse on top of that and it's a no-brainer.

Be strong, use the resources given to you here. Money is never a good enough reason to endanger your (or your children's) safety.

A real man loves and respect his women and does his best not do harm to he and tries to protect her instead of causing pain. Women in this situation tend to make excuse like you did why saying"he said sorry, I make him hit me, I love him and he loves me" ,but if you was on the outside looking in your see he is a coward. This is only what coward does not a man. Treasure and love yourself and see him for what he really is. If shows up at your kids school again call the cops tell the school not to let him take them under any circumstances because people have done some crazy stuff when they get desperate, do you watch the news and don't think he won't harm your kids because sometimes if people can get to you they test your kids. This is dangerous and this is someone you want back in your home, I pray for you and your family and hope nothing bad happens.

You stated in your own post that you don't want your kids to think or accept this behavior, what exactly do you think what message you would be sending to them if you stay.

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There were times when I gave him GOOD reason to probably want to hit me, but he would always walk away.

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Then it would not be serious, as we have all been there, where we are really angry, but we should never cross that line.

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Should I walk away from all I know and love and struggle with the kids?

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YES, Because with out intervention, it will get worse.

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Or, should I go back to the financial stability and love that we are so use to?

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NO, next time he may kill you!!!

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By the way my mom & dad are now dead set against him.

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Good they will support your leaving, and he can help the financial stability thru the court!!!

And don't even consider taking him back until he has pr oven change over time.

I hate that these things happen, and that some guys are capaable of doing this...

Everybodies right, stay away from this guy. Hitting is just plain wrong, no matter what you did. I know I would never do that to my g/f, and any guy who would doesn't deserve to have a relationship.

Also, think about your children's safety. If he does this to you, he could also do it to your children. In my opinion, you should get the TRO (especially if he is at your kids school). And talaniman is right, your parents may help with your financial issues.

Good luck with your situation...