A little long but a true story; all must be taken into account to give the proper advices, not opinions.

I am 30 and have a 12 year old girl whom I haven't talked to for 5.5 years, we haven't seen each other for about nine. I come from a broken abusive home of self-righteous sociopaths with the entire family of 5 separated and no contact; basically I have no family.

My father was so abusive in neglect, emotional detachment was normal, daily severe beatings, locked in my room from school end to wake up. Many people including myself believed that my dad is an abusive sociopath and a closet homosexual. My mother (and father) was emotionally distant to the point of me not wanting to live anymore at 8 years old when I got beat so bad that I couldn't go to school for two weeks. The fact that my parents didn't really talk to us and that we didn't know anythings about their lives, some people find hard to believe. I agree it isn't normal. Mind games were also an everyday part of life.

I mention the above because it has significance in the following paragraphs. In my entire life up to the point of 17 years old I walked with my head down, no self-esteem, no hope for a better future, my innocence was robbed early on and I never knew what love was, not even the slightest idea.
So walking into the world with no multi-level communication skills, a negative knowledge of relationships, I would walk in to the world as a blind man. Many times I was taken advantage of and not treated fairly because of my lack of positive life experiences.

So at 17, a neighbor had a friend they wanted me to meet from the next city over. One night I went to her city about 9pm and would meet her. I instantly knew her soul. We went on a walk and hit it off like nothing ever imagined; a super-connection in its beginning stage. We went out a few times and when we did we talked all night listening to oldies atop the L.A. mountains watching the sparkle of the city. Many, many nights we fell asleep in the car with an "understanding" of who each other was to the T. I soon realized that her friends weren't fond of me for taking so much of her away from them. Her dad wasn't impressed from day one and one reason is that I am mixed race, only half his race, only half or less good enough for him and his daughter. I overcame 2 lifelong emotional damages when I was with her.

One feeling is never trusting a human being at all. The other is when I am with a woman the possible lack of trust originating from my parents, I felt horribly disgusted with myself and had to be alone in misery for a while. With her, I found truly the only one for me. This is hard to write because it is my inner turmoil and if not for it (and other things) I may be together with her today. But! I trusted this girl down to who I am with my heart bleeding in my hand, this is true.

During this time with her I noticed a few things like when I wouldn't see her for a few days her face was broke out when we met. Which, didn't bother me because I was in love with her and it was and is love because it has remained in me to this day, the burning inside for her; if she called three in the morning I would walk to the ends of the earth to be there. The facial breakouts were due to her meth habit which she lied to me about, lied to 2 of my friends about and I found out a few years later when I found out that I had a kid with her. She quit school to party and do the meth, I quit school to be with her. We met each other at the time with non-caring family members, emotional problems, abusive pasts, her dad didn't like me, no money living in horrible poverties, no skills and no school completed.

I admit I broke up with her because at the time with all those things in consideration (my brother and) I was forced to live with my dad who destroyed us as kids so my divorced mother's new household wouldn't be too crowded for a 3 bedroom. Her new house was her ex-meth addict/dealer husband, his two kids, herself, my sister, and their baby. My dad was going to throw me out and I had a complete nervous breakdown. I didn't know what to do, I didn't know where I'd go, I had no transportation, my impoverished life would soon be someone else's so at this point I had no other choice but to end our relationship.

When I did, I got in the back seat of her car and I felt like shooting myself than to let go of the only woman I will care about in my life. As I did, she cried real tears, the kind that is not a possibility to fake. They were streaming down her face as her upper body shook and I was on the verge myself because of our intense connections and intense love found.

A few years went by and she contacted where my brother was living and sent baby pictures. My brother also told me that after I left my dad's place, she came over with a girl and a guy, I wasn't home of course and when they left my neighbor saw the guy pulling a butcher knife out of his waistline and into a jacket. I met with her upon the news and held my daughter; a feeling like I have felt in my life, she also knew exactly who I was. We talked and it was going to work out the best. After a while we still felt the same and were engaged. SO, one day she shows up at my friends pool hall and been drinking , drove 15 miles and acting foolish. Playing a sort of how much do you want me game, jealousy game also. A few things but O.K. it's for the good and for my kid. One night we went out to a park with a pond at midnight and talked and internally resonated with each other as it was when we first met. We drank a beer together and went back to my place. When we woke up, I made some chorizo and eggs and gave her a plate. I told her I was going to take a shower and when I gout out, my window was open. She had left through my window and got a ride. I waited 1, 2,3, and on the fourth day I left the message "no marriage". She left no s#@$. SO what did I do wrong?

I soon joined the Navy and was on deployment 6 months per year and 3 months per year more at sea for other related business. About the 1.5 mark in I got a package from the local support office and a bill of $25,000 dollars. I was making about $1100 per month and after 32%+/- fed tax, CA tax 6 % (where I joined but on stationed on east coast), 30% gross before taxes, about 70% was gone. Can you live on 30%? I contacted her mother and remained as cool as possible. As I talked to my daughter and listened, I tried not to weep. She mentioned to me some of the many lies, inaccuracies and re-fabricating of past life events. She also mentioned the new guy which from that day made it his point to be telephone tough guy and he who would block (in conjunction with... ) all attempts to have a relationship with my daughter.

About to get out of the military, 9/11 happened. I called my daughter within 5 minutes and told her I'll call her soon when possible. A month later, I got 4 hours off the ship in port and found a secluded pay phone for my special time with my daughter, my oxygen, without her I can't breathe.

With no understanding of what has happened or the current situations, mom played a hissy fit and threw the phone to the night in dull armor. She inflates his ego being the "protector"/accountabilities shield and he is now forced on a pride level to act upon what he doesn't know is her agenda. On his forehead, FOOL beaming in being neon letters as he gets on the phone and tells me lies she told him and is now telling my kid.

As I tell my daughter goodbye, I hear them in the background making sexually suggestive comments right in front of my daughter as to anger me and destroy me on every level possible. I went back to the ship and lifted a weight that shocked my dept. officer. A few months later I get out. I drove across the coast to get to my daughter on Christmas the "knight" tells me she is asleep 2pm and hangs up. Being out I became a real threat as their lies would be exposed and I would have influence now. I had a part time job and little else. The others continually bum-rapped me and made my kid feel embarrassed to talk to me until soon she wouldn't want to anymore. That was 5.5 years ago. I will continue on in a response to myself...

At that point I felt no desire to live, to breathe, to do anything. The vicious vindictive game had started and I had to pay her, to support her way of life and what she is poisoning my daughter with.

My job was ending soon and I moved within 20 miles of my daughter. I found a job and began working 20 miles away from my home. On the job I had a stinging eye infection and had to go home, rest and hope it goes away. 2 hours into sleep a cop knocks on my door and was evicting my roommate. I had to go since I was not on the lease, five minutes to grab clothes and out. I left w/ the infection, nowhere to live, about 23 cents in the bank, no phone, no contact with my daughter, so I went to the closest friends place. About 2 hours later my engine threw a rod and now I have no car. At this point, I became homeless for about two months but still wrote child support although the letters were depressing which is a step up from the constant state of suicide I was living in and from then on it got worse.

I wanted to make it work, I wanted my daughter. I wanted something to fit. No family, friends had moved, went to prison or were dead when I needed help. The night 'it' all happened, I was reminded of the phone call that ended a possibility of my daughter and I being close. I cried for maybe half an hour in my car so hard that the undersides of my eyes and around the sockets were black. As a man I tell you, someone saw me and held me, they knew it was the end for me and felt what I was feeling somehow.

I stayed in touch w/ God and He illuminated the way for me to pay the back support and to have a career not just a job. Out of nowhere, a biker gave me a car and $200 and prayed for me! I was set to get a fishing boat gig in Alaska and made my way from about the MX border to just about the Canadian border with little money and a half rigged 81 toyota beater. Everything I owned was in it, I slept in it, I froze in it, I pondered my life and why should I go on. I treated people decent, I was beyond good to people and a true friend. I broke down in the middle of the desert and the tow truck ching chinged me for $100. I had $100 remaining. Up hills at 15 miles an hour.

There was no insurance, no title, no tags, nothing. With everything I owned, it was go for the gusto or turn around. I continued and never seeing Johnny Law the entire way, I made it to North Washington where I had a hard time finding work since Boeing laid of around 20,000 (the correct # I believe)

In seven weeks I found a boat to work on and packed everything I owned into three duffel bags. I got up there and for a year lived in disastrous conditions but nothing I hadn't seen growing up and previous to this point. Our boat was not paid hourly but daily and it got so bad one check was $85. $35 was garnished for support. Not soon after I found an engineering school on the internet and made it my point to find another boat that paid and attend this accelerated engineering program. I walked the docks all over Dutch Harbor willing to do anything to get on. This would improve my living situation, my life and my daughter's outcome one day. I worked on board the Alaska Ranger for a few months, which just sunk on Easter this year. We worked 18-19 hours a day and I lost 40 pounds in 7 weeks.

The boat pulled in to port 3 weeks late which put me 2 weeks late for school. I was scared to death that they would cancel my enrollment and my chance of anything working out again would fail. Within 24 hours of on arrival in Seattle, I was catching a bus to the campus and the director and staff interviewed me. They approved me and I now had to make up 2 weeks of school at 12 hours a day, 5 days a week which is around 120 hours worth of school and the current homework. I did this and every semester I was on the dean's list. I studied myself into insanity which has helped me from once having jack-diddly squat to an income so high I feel ashamed of it. During school I drank some water that gave me a serious stomach illness. I went to the homeless hospital and took antibiotics for it but probiotics were not administered leaving my immune system susceptible to sickness. Which I developed and have now had for a couple of years. Because of this illness I gained a ton of weight up to almost 300 pounds. Sometimes choke in my sleep, crave sugars and cannot function without them, rash on the head and face, and it poisons my bloodstream if I am not careful.

All this and I still graduated with honors on the dean's list every semester. I was willing to listen and act upon and God gave me the opportunities to make things happen. I began making small dents in child support but interest always kept my feet in the mud.

A while later, my identity was stolen and I caught the person who did it! Face to face at their place of work! This person explained that if I call the police, their family would blame me for assault and other BS. A mess indeed, it worked for their protection and I didn't call because nothing will destroy my future, my goal, the one day I can hug my daughter and cry with her, hold her hand and apologize from the deepest part of my heart which is empty, a spot only for her. I promise I will catch every tear before it hits the ground.

About 1.3 years ago I had a complete nervous breakdown again. I didn't think existence was an option anymore and the sting of lack of my daughters beautiful voice increased a devouring emptiness, the void compounding intolerable suffering in my being. This same day a lady gave me a CD to listen to. This CD was 4 hours of self help with the real message within the first 5 minutes. I stopped in a fast food parking lot and asked God Almighty to help me. I had very low paying work for the industry I'm in and it was said that that was the price young guys pay.

Now remember this, what I 'm going to explain. I parked the rental in Del Taco parking lot. I asked God with zero negativity entering a single thought for $100,000 in one year, for a car (no car for 4 years), to be able to pay off the back support, to get in touch with my daughter which the struggle and sacrifice has been for her betterment and a future with her, to get medical help for my stomach, and to lose wight because of the illness. I am not materialistic, not even one micron, but these things would be needed to accomplish what had to be done.

Within three days I went to my union hall and they had the same old non-paying jobs. As an electrician as well, they would give me super low pay for a deemed good job. I drove out of there a little on the down but a few blocks away I found my dream union that I tried to apply to for 3 years. They had one ultra-junk pay job going from Boston to Sicily with NATO. I took it, I got in that union, and for taking that job they gave me a job that I have now making what I asked for from God. 3 months later I was making payments on a car, I started getting attention for the stomach and have medical coverage, the child support payments are steady and covering interest and past due is decreasing, I wrote a 3 page letter to my daughter and a 6 page to my ex about 2 weeks ago, in preparation as to not be an embarrassment to my daughter, I have lost about 70 pounds. All this I asked for, all this with God's hand helping me all the way. Much more detail has been omitted or else I would be selling this at the Barnes and Noble.

I give you the truth and from the struggle a personal victory. All of it though means nothing at all without my daughter, absolutely nothing. I am hoping for a response soon from the letters and now that seeing my daughter can truly be a reality I wait in anticipation and my feelings are mixed. Because I see the top of the mountain, the climb was almost straight up. The entire suffrage was to try to get something to together, to pay off child support which was hard with interest.

Even though I am a big guy, and every time I need to talk about it I talk to God, it brings me to tears like it did tonight on the 1 hr drive home.

I pray that she will understand this one day because when I do see her I know at this time if I explained she would not be able to hear it. I will tell the truth no matter what. If I look bad or her mom, it is the truth and my life is the example. I will not do as her mom does to me; I am going to tell her not to tell me anything about what they have said about me, just see for herself. She will eventually find out If I am that person or if someone mislead her into an agenda and taking away the second of only two people I ever loved in my life.

Your advice is needed for when I do see her---God bless

The thing at this point, the past is already over, good, bad, even the best father, can often have their child turned by lied from the mother. I can remember my ex hiding my kids, telling them I never sent them any presents ( sent things birthdays and christmas) she would take my tags off and put her names on the packages.

So the issue here is that it really does not matter what the ex thinks, never should, you have a legal right to see your daughter and need to have court ordered visits, Most likely it would be supervised since you have not had contact for so long. But all you can do is be yourself.
As for as what will happen, it is hard to say, it may not be any fast turning point, but she needs to know that you are here for her NOW,

You need to understand that you should not try and count on the ex, since they can be controlling and use things for their own.

Anybody who can endure what you have been through is a hero in my book. Your daughter is fortunate to have you for a father.

Make sure you get the law on your side in getting your visitation rights recognized and enforced. Keep paying child support on time and in full. Don't be discouraged if she isn't very responsive or appreciative toward you, just follow through on all your agreements and obligations toward her and tell her in both words and actions that you love her and that she is your highest priority. The adolescent years will be hard for her and you may be the only reliable person in her life, so hang in there no matter what. You are building a foundation for a loving adult relationship with her, even though you haven't been able to be there during her childhood years. She'll recognize the reality of your love eventually if you persevere. I wish you all the best.

Hey thepurpose, here's a suggestion. As I don't live in the US, I don't know what rights you'd have legally speaking, but by the sounds of what these other guys have said, you'd have a strong case, especially if there has been or still is drug abuse involved on the mothers side.

Anyway, my suggestion is to use the internet as your way of reaching out to your daughter. (I know she is still very young yet but it's amazing how powerful the web can be when other fellow beings see the suffering another may be experiencing.)

Find a way to start up a diary of some sort with any pictures, stories etc that connect her to you. Baby photos of yourself, of her, you on fishing trips or at work, at home. Continually add to it what you did on particular days, the things you saw or heard that made you think of her on other days, whether you're sad, happy, stressed, exhausted. Add to it just the same as you would if she could reply. Don't forget to add things like, "One day beautiful, one day I'm going to embrace you and kiss you on your head and feel you embracing me right back...then I will know, this was all worth it! Until that day comes princess, I will write to you in my diaries every possible moment I get."

Well, maybe that's a bit corny, but I'm sure you get the picture. If you don't like the idea of the modern techno stuff, just do the same thing in scrapbooks, all the while searching for her through lawyers etc. Then, when you finally do reunite, you can give them to her and this may be one way for her to slowly get to know you again without feeling smothered with all these new emotions that can come with reunions.

She will be approaching adulthood soon and will undoubtedly want to know where her Dad is, what he looks like now, if she's got half-siblings, why he left her etc etc, so don't give up on her and keep asking God for direction and truth. Good on you too for stepping up and being responsible. So many Dads (and Mums) abuse this privilege letting their children and society down. Don't feel sorry for yourself either, this will only stop you from holding your head up high and getting on with what you got to to move ahead. If the feelings of helplessness are too overwhelming, seek professional advice from a GP. Depression doesn't just go away. That said, I truly hope things work out for you sooner rather than later.

All the best man. ;)

Amazing story... and I wish you the best luck in the world. I will be praying for you so you can connect with your daughter. You seem like an exceptional man with a big heart and a head on your shoulders. You deserve the best.