I have been a member of an art club for some time. This is a nice club with lively debates and lots of contacts for future opportunities. We all have degrees in art studies, except for one member who has assumed leadership.

I have a real problem with him. He has no degrees in arts but has strong opinions and if anyone disagrees with him, he gets really angry and it goes on for months at a time. He wants to introduce artists who have little or no recognition and are into various kind of perverse sex. When we tell him it bothers us, he flies off the handle.

We cannot get him out of the club, because he is the son of the person who formed it. We have usually laughed it off when he starts ranting and raving, but his attitude of late has been so bothersome for me I´m thinking of resigning from the club. It won´t be easy to form another one and I love all the other members. Could you please help?

Dear Violet31

What rule is that, that the son of the person who formed the group can not be forced to climb down to a reasonable and acceptable level for all ? Specially as he is the odd one out in the group, at least on an educational level !

"Leaders" are there at the grace of all members. Dictators live at the expense of all others. Time to consider some anargism in that club!!

Are there club rules and/or a charter of some sort written down anywhere? Is there anything that specifies what one needs to have for qualifications?

Have you spoken with the other members? Do they all feel the same way? Is the founder still active? Are they any by laws that specify how the officers of the club are chosen? Are there dues?

We need more details here.

Thanks a lot for your replies.

Yes, the founders of the club are still active, although not as active as the rest of us. That person can basically do what he likes within some boundaries. He is 45 years old and has never been with a woman. We thought he might be a closeted homosexual and wanted to help him get out of the closet, if he so wished, but no dice. Of course his sexuality is not the issue here, but he is into stuff we don´t like and if we are to be taken seriously as an art club, we cannot have it. I´m talking about serious porn he wants to introduce as art.

In short, this club has deep roots in the community, we are well-liked and well respected. We have book deals and conventions all over the world because of it. I get to work on various projects. Usually the person we have problems with does not take part in any serious activity, because he has no qualifications.

I spoke privately to his father, the chairman of the club, when I had a major argument with him. At the time he wanted us to show art works of perverts he likes personally. I told him he had a major problem and that it would be out of the question. His father stopped him. I also asked him if it would be wise to have him at the club, but he told me the club was his son´s life and there is nothing else for him. He has no friends.

We feel mostly the same about him and have consulted the lawyers at the University. There are certain rules and regulations, so we use it to protect the club. We have meetings at regular intervals when he is away with his father to find out what we can do, but there is surprisingly little.

A few members don´t want to do anything about him and feel sorry for him. They sort of tolerate him, although they hate what he is doing to our club. One person sticks up for him. But the majority is against him.

I hope I have given you some more to go on here. I wish there was a way to make him leave, but I don´t see any kind of solution right now.

so you have a "poorly educated", "unqualified", passive-aggressive brat who stomps about when he doesn't get his way?

well... if he agreed with the norm, his "qualifications" probably wouldn't have been brought up. Sure, you can try to use his lack of standard training as leverage, but it leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Would it be better if he were every bit as educated but still a snot? Not really. I'm degreed in the physical sciences, but I don't look down on opinions from others who've pondered the same musings while treading different paths. Drop the fact he isn't "educated"... it might be true, but doent gain you any special moral or righteous footing.

I probably take this tact because of my mother... who isn't degreed but, by life learning and experience on the job, could at least keep pace with most master and doctorals in her area of work. Also I'm half irish, half serb, which means I look for fights. =)

that said... maybe that's part of the problem. He doesn't feel like he's on the same level so he stomps and fusses hoping to guilt others into submission when he simply cannot retort.

I know one person like this. I tend to avoid her as much as I can. My resolution? Mixed.

must be awful to live your life in such an ugly place. I let as much noise go by as I can. I've resigned myself to knowing there's nothing I can do to make her happy except be as miserable as her. Not going to happen.

so... I pick my fights. When its worth it, I stand my ground and don't back down.

my inclination is don't resign. Don't let this noise be a reason to back off. But if you stay, you need to come to some middle ground. You need to be able to slough of his noise and leave it behind.

if you cannot... then maybe its time to step back.

there's usually more than a few morons in every crowd. Its just life. Even idiots deserve air to breathe.

kp2171,

You correctly summed up the situation. I know what you mean by "picking your fights", I have a similar problem with my brother who is an angry person and tries to control people with his moodswings. I learned a long time ago not to take it at heart, so he can scream and shout all he wants. It doesn´t move me.

That other person is different in the sense that one little argument from years ago stays with him and he keeps harping on it year after year, constantly nagging and critizising us. The context is different too, because I work with him. I don´t want to leave the club - yet. I will stay on - or gather together a new group later. Until then, I will try to find a middle ground.

I think it´s að great idea to let him expose himself, Xrayman, make him visible to the public, so to speak. I will encourage him to do so.

Thanks for your replies - I appreciated it.

Violet

Why don't you all who are fed up with him resign, start your own club and if the you decide that you want only those with degrees that is your new clubs decision. I don't see that as looking down noses. Companies do it all the time. They want people with certain credentials and others need not apply. That is an acceptable requirement in work, and clubs.

I talked to some of the other members and they will sleep on it. Most are going on vacation now, so the activity is minimal at the time being.

In the meantime, I´m thinking of other clubs I could eventually join if I cannot form a new one. I think your suggestion is excellent, Smearcase.

I went on a holiday and started thinking about things I want to change in my life. I really want to meet new people and the best way to do that is through work or social activities. I wonder what kind of club I should join. I love movies and exotic travels. Have a circle of friends for both, so I´m looking for something new. I´ve been racking my brains, but nothing comes up. Any suggestions?

Violet