Ask Me Help Desk - 7 freaking years!

Please help! I am 27 and have been dating someone for the past seven years. I am beyond ready to get engaged and move forward with my life. We are both college grads, and he has just purchased our first home.
He knows quite well that I am dying to get engaged, yet has been putting it off since I first brought it up 2 and a half years ago. He has invested in a few properties and has done well. He has a good job as do I. The only financial block I can see is that we are fully renovating our new place, for which he is footing most of the bill. He says he's ready emotionally, and loves me, never wants to be without me, talks about having kids, asks my advice on every plan for the new home, always talks about us living there.
He knows I am ready to leave if this doesn't happen soon, but continues to drag it out. I am refusing to move into the new place without a ring. I don't know what to do, how long do I wait? He says be patient, but isn't 7years pretty freaking patient?! I am at the end of my rope!

I think you need to show him that you're independent, strong, and can stand on your own two feet. It's possible that at the moment he sees that his commitment to you is in his control and that he is sitting pretty (he doesn't think this maliciously, I think it's only natural he would feel this way as he is financially and emotionally secure). As it stands he has no real INCENTIVE to marry you (yes I think he loves you to bits and thinks the world of you, but he sees that you're committed to him through your home and your promises to each other and is satisfied with that).

I think if he could see that you're not totally dependent on him, that you are confident about your future as a person in your own right, he would see that he needs to make the final commitment that you want. SO

Stop talking about marriage or kids. If anyone brings it up, change the subject. If it comes onto the TV, switch channels. He needs to know that you're not needy or demanding, you're happy in yourself, single or married (this is so attractive to anyone.)

Get a hobby that takes you out of his life and firmly into your own, whether it's pottery or a language or simply going to the gym. Give yourself a new goal, a distraction. Make him wonder, plus it'll give you new conversations to have, and a bit of mystery.

Go on holiday with the girls. He'll wonder what you're up to (I know, a bit gameplaying, but it's true), he'll have to think 'I don't want to lose her'.

I would refrain from moving in with him. I think he sees that as the commitment, and if that's not the commitment you want, then stand your ground. Don't tell him that this is the reason you're not moving in (the reason is because you actually love your life as it stands and don't want to rush in to co-habiting), and spend plenty of time there showing him how great life would be if you lived together in marital bliss, but keep that mystery for yourself. Laugh with him, share memories, have great sex in ways you haven't before.

You need to make him addicted to you, insanely obsessesd but also deliriously happy in the presence of this strong, independent and self-confident woman. That's when he'll get down on one knee. The pressure shouldn't come from you, but from his WANT to share his life with you.

I know all this sounds a tad manipulative, but it's more about restablishing the spark and happiness in yourself so that your life can be how you want it. It's the old thing, love yourself first. Good luck, let me know how you get on. X

Actually, no, seven years isn't long enough. TWO YEARS is long enough. You cannot hold him responsible for possibly wasting an additional 5 years, OK?

The "fish or cut bait" analogy actually applies to both of you at this point. I see you with only two choices here that have you still working towards possible marriage:

1) Live in the world you built. You've let things go on this long. You did that. It's not unfair for him to want to have what you two have implicitly agreed upon to continue.

2) Don't break up, but break away. It's time that you stopped acting like everything's OK. If he wants a business partner, and you appear to be adequate in that regard, continue to do that... from your OWN apartment. Your own career. Your own life.

He's welcome to invite himself in anytime he wishes, but for now you are opening your life back up to seriousness and serious suitors, should the opportunity arise.

No ultimatums about moving in together without a ring. That's short sighted. How about no living together, period, even with a ring, until after a honeymoon? How about "I love you too much to just leave all we have, but I love myself enough to know I want a real normal family life and am going after it TODAY, with or without you."

There also a lot of "break it off and don't look back scenarios", but that's later. For now, these are my recommendations.

I agree with JB, you have to make a choice, stick it out or cut him lose. But giving him the ultimatum of moving in or a ring, was wrong. You might be coming off to him as too clingy and he senses that. Try to show you can be independent.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Romefalls19

I agree with JB, you have to make a choice, stick it out or cut him lose. But giving him the ultimatum of moving in or a ring, was wrong. You might be coming off to him as too clingy and he senses that. Try to show you can be independant.

What's worse about the ultimatum is it is the wrong way to motivate. A man is seldom, if ever, convinced of anything, even through ultimatums.

Even if he gives in and gives you the ring, your security isn't higher because of how he got there. Just WAIT until your next BIG argument and see if this doesn't rear its ugly head.

No, you have to appear to be honoring his choice to "not commit" and not come down on him about it, but you don't hang around waiting even another week for him either.

This is tricky, it's hard to say it right without accidentally slipping back in the "you don't love me?" junk or the "marry me or I'm gone". You ARE saying that, but you need to say it in a way that appears to encourage him to do what he wants, not what you want. Reverse Psychology, but you have to MEAN it.

"I love you, I appreciate your values and what's important to you, the last thing I want to do is cramp your style. But it's been 7 years and I'm not doing this anymore, so I'm going to let you keep your free lifestyle, we'll stay the closest of possible companions and partners, but I'm going to start dating, too. I need a chance at the whole package, this way we both have a shot at what we want, OK?"

Truth is... you ONLY want to marry him if he WANTS it, so this is also the right way to do it.

He could be scared of commitment even though your been together for 7 years. Your ar living like your married and he enjoying the benefits. Tell him straight up how you feel and if nothing change then you have a toug decision that only you could make, stay or go. 7 years is a long time, but your still young, and if any future plans have not been made then he not ready to get marry. Take time to reflect on relationship because even though your are young your are living like a mar couple. My mom always told me to never live with a man when your not married because once you do they would never want to commit.

Don't waste another 7 years and same be in the same boat. But what the big rush now you dealth with it already for 7 years? Whatever u decide stand your decision. It will hurt if you leave, but most likely if he's not ready now he will never be.

After my friend divorce she meet a guy a few years late and they brought a house together, this was 10 years age going on 11, he like your boyfriend does not want to get married and it kills her inside and she thoughtmaybe he will come around one day, but as not yet and he never will.