My wife and I have been married for about 8 years now, I am 28 and she is too. When we were 1st married we had sex a lot. Time has passed, and 4 kids later, I would say we have sex 1-2 times a month. Quite frankly it is not enough for me. I can understand if she had to deal with the kids constantly, but in our marriage we have more or less reversed the "traditional" roles. She works, and I stay at home and care for the children. It works well for us. I have attempted to make her understand my point of view but it seems everything I say leaves her with the impression that: "i am just a selfish jerk and i just want to DO her." I LOVE my wife and I love to have sex with her that is true, but I am not a "wham bam thank-you maam" kind of guy she seems to treat me like. She is fond of cuddling and I am too but to a lesser degree. She enjoys spooning with me, and I let her do it every night. It's a feeling of security that she gets from it and I am happy to provide it. But when I want sex as another form of intimacy with her it's a whole different ball game. I feel that sex is important and honestly, it helps me to feel loved. We both have let ourselves go a bit but she has told me that looks aren't important to her and I have proved that her looks are not important to me. I am attracted to her because of WHO she is not what she looks like, but I can't seem to convince her of that. Should I just give up on this and just be grateful for whenever she feels like it? I feel like such a jackass trying to initiate sex and being rejected constantly. I don't want anything nice I do for her to be just about sex, but at the point we're at, she really seems to believe I ONLY do kind things for her because I want to get her in the sack. I love my wife very much and feel a bit abandoned because I am not asking for any reason other than wanting to, to have sex with her. I feel like she should want to want me. At least that is what I hope for. Sorry for the long winded question but I would like opinions that are more specific than just: "buy her flowers, take her out". Thank you for any advice you may offer. :)

Hey, don't feel bad. You could be me 10 years ago. I am now 39 and have been married to my wife for 16 years. I too have been rejected more times than I would like to admit. I decided to somewhat solve the problem by making reservations to go away twice a year. Just the 2 of us. During those getaways, we have great sex with little or no boundaries as compared to very rarely at home and with many restrictions(i.e. only when kids are asleep, and she doesn't have to work the next day and really quick and quiet so we don't disturb the kids or dog.) I know it isn't exactly what you're looking for, but I basically save up all my passion for the twice a year getaways. The nice benefit of it is that I am resolved to not try and have sex any other time. That actually has the benefit now of occasionally at home she initiates sex.

Hope this helps,

Cwh

Have you tried to send your kids to someone else's house for a night? Make a nice bath for your wife with candles, buy her scented lotion, and not slutty lingerie but sexy lingerie, make her feel really good about herself, it just may help. I have a 5 month old, and 2 times a month he goes to my mothers house overnight, and my husband and I can let go, not listen for the monitor, or worry about him crying while we are in the middle of it. Like ohionascar suggested, but make it more than 2 times a year, by sending your kids somewhere :)

Date nights.

We don't have kids, so it's easier for us to plan stuff, but we set aside nights that are JUST for each other. Sometimes we have sex, sometimes it's sensual massage, sometimes it's just dinner and a movie--but that night is ONLY for us. No overtime at work, no worrying about housework, no cleaning, no cooking (unless someone wants to), no family, no friends--JUST US.

We take turns planning it so that it's always a surprise for one of us, and feeling that connection has definitely turned up our love life.

I know how it feels to feel like my husband is ONLY intimate with me in other ways when he wants sex, which is how I think your wife is feeling. Do you do sensual things for her, and for her alone, with no expectations of sex? Massage her feet, her hands, her whole body? Do you hold hands with her, or pet her hair or offer to do something silly like paint her toenails? If the only times you're touching her are spooning in bed and when you want sex, well of course that's how she's going to associate those touches! And pretty soon, it's hard to just relax and enjoy it for what it is, because you just KNOW that your other half is going to be frustrated if you just aren't in the mood for sex!

Here was our compromise: He got tired of being turned down, I got tired of him constantly nagging me for sex. So... every third time (within reason--we're not talking a half hour apart here!) he attempts to seduce me, I give in, whether I'm in the mood or not. BUT--he has to put the work into it! Foreplay, foreplay, foreplay! I can, of course, say that a quickie is fine, but I can't just lay there and let him do his thing and think of the grocery list, either. Most of the time, I end up getting into it even though I wasn't in the mood when we started.

Get the book "101 Nights of Great Romance". It has tear out pages for him and for her, with price ranges on how much that particular "date" will cost. It really helped us get things back on track--and we have half the book we haven't touched in 4 years! After we got STARTED with the book, we were able to use our imaginations and come up with things ourselves that suited our relationship better.

I really think that the intimate connection NON-physically is what's missing for her. And there's nothing better to bring that back than to TALK to each other, about your hopes and fears and thoughts and dreams and whatever--but talk that's JUST the two of you. You need to be away from worrying about the kids, the dog, the bills, whatever.

It continues to amaze me how selfish people are. Marriage is about building walls to protect each other from the influences of the world. It's supposed to be a safe haven where each of you goes out of your way to serve the needs of the other, sacrificially, convenience-be-damned, and making sure there's never a need to look elsewhere.

But it doesn't work that way. Jobs, kids, bills, routine, all work to make us surprisingly selfish in our responses to one another.

Worse, this little speech doesn't help because SHE'S the one who needs to hear it. *sigh*

It is so saddening reading about people properly interpreting each others needs and then punishing anyway because the motives are different. Guys and girls want sex for different reasons, and for a man it truly is more of a primal exercise. We just "need it" and it doesn't need to be about love at all. We strive to BE loving as we get it from our mates, but still, we're not women, it's not all emotional.

Over time, that changes and we enjoy sex more and more at the emotional level, but the primal need to just do it never really changes. She needs to understand that about you.

I bet you already understand her motivations, sex is a relational thing and she doesn't respond well if the rest of her day has suffered. It takes a lot to "warm up her motor." Worse, she may catch you intentionally "warming her motor up" and punish you for it. Sad, isn't it?

That doesn't mean you should stop doing it, nor apologize for it. When the discussion comes up and she tries to "be mad at you for only doing nice things to get sex"... let her be mad.

When it's your turn, own it. "I accept the work necessary to make having sex with me enjoyable for you, and you know how much work you make it for me at times, don't you? But I will continue because I love you, I want to do it with you more than you do, so you will just have to live with someone who is attracted to you and wants to be intimate with you. I won't apologize for needing sex, wanting it, and since my commitment is to you and you alone forever, you are IT for me. So I'll do the work, and you can just live with it. Ok?"

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Originally Posted by fendenkrell

my wife and i have been married for about 8 years now, i am 28 and she is too. when we were 1st married we had sex alot. time has passed, and 4 kids later, i would say we have sex 1-2 times a month. quite frankly it is not enough for me.

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I'd say every couple of weeks is not too bad for being eight years and four kids into your marriage. My wife and I have been married for 22 years and we haven't had sex at all in over four years. Cheer up--it could be worse.

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Originally Posted by fendenkrell

i would like opinions that are more specific than just: "buy her flowers, take her out". thank you for any advice you may offer. :)

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Sex therapy. It's easy to stop talking about sex after you've been doing it with someone for awhile. Most of us lie, or don't tell the whole truth, about our sexuality. The more we have invested in a relationship, the more likely we are to keep our frustrations and dissatisfactions to ourself in the interests of domesticity. It's more important to some people than others at every age, and more important at some ages and stages of life than at others for everybody I suppose. Eventually, like breathing, everybody has to stop doing it. I've decided not to consider that a tragedy, but I'm 61. At 28, I definitely did consider it a tragedy. You'll have to decide for yourself, but don't be afraid to change your mind if you need to.

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I feel like such a jackass trying to initiate sex and being rejected constantly. I don't want anything nice I do for her to be just about sex, but at the point we're at, she really seems to believe i ONLY do kind things for her because i wanna get her in the sack.

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Good, stop initiating sex, and treat her nice, until she is receptive of how you feel. That's what she needs is the reassurance that it's the woman she is that motivates you, and not just sex. Yeah I know, what about your needs, but let me tell you, that the problem isn't a lack of sex at this time, but what others have alluded to, life getting in the way of love, and your female is feeling it, as she has a lot on her mind as any working man knows, and may be a bit overwhelmed, and under appreciated, in her own mind.

We guys go hunting,golfing, fishing, or get drunk with the fellows after work, What does your wife do??
Learn to give her that foot rub, feed her, run a hot bath, and let her sleep.

Don't feel bad about being rejected, take it as she is telling you something she cannot vocalize at this time, and your supposed to read her mind, because there is something on it, but you have to learn to gently, pull it out of her, which ain't easy, but removing conflicts, before talking to your mate is like starting on a clean slate, even if you learn nothing, and accomplish no changes, and reach no concrete conclusions, you still progress enough to talk more later, so knowing when to back off on good terms is an art worth cultivating.

4 kids in 8 years, that's one busy house, and kids are the most selfish creatures on the earth, bar none, and I bet lovemaking is last on the lists of things to do, so babysitters, and grandparents are your must right now, even if its only a walk in the park, but make sure she is off the next day.

Adjustsments over time that are thought out and allow for communication between you two can resolve this by working together.

I think from a woman's point of view it's about getting that emotional bond back and then from there sex becomes a physical demonstration of that bond - show that you're always receptive to her feelings, ask her how her day went, go on walks, discuss anything from politics to mutual friends. As a mother of four she may feel her role as a sexual person is somewhat diminished. Communication is the best tool we have to establish and sustain relationships - use it! Compliment her on her dress sense, her figure, her strengths. Make sure her opinion is always respected. Make her feel womanly, secure and in tune with your relationship. Hold her hand and ensure that you make plenty of non sexual physical contact. Don't let her feel like she has to mother you, ensure she sees you as a husband and not just a good friend.

When you start to feel that that bond is becoming reestablished, it really is a case of setting the mood, in the same way as if it were your first night together. Lots of eye contact, lots of genuinely felt compliments, make it feel magical for her on an emotional and physical level. And then, my friend, it's foreplay foreplay foreplay! Don't even suggest sex until she does, make sure she knows it's done out of apppreciation and love, not a need for sex. No pressure, just two people really loving each other's physiccal company.
Good luck, you sound like a good guy, and I think the marital bond will be helped enormously by the copious amounts of sex you'll soon be having!

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Originally Posted by fendenkrell

my wife and i have been married for about 8 years now, i am 28 and she is too. when we were 1st married we had sex alot. time has passed, and 4 kids later, i would say we have sex 1-2 times a month. quite frankly it is not enough for me. i can understand if she had to deal with the kids constantly, but in our marriage we have more or less reversed the "traditional" roles. she works, and i stay at home and care for the children. it works well for us. i have attempted to make her understand my point of view but it seems everything i say leaves her with the impression that: "i am just a selfish jerk and i just want to DO her." i LOVE my wife and i love to have sex with her that is true, but i am not a "wham bam thank-you maam" kind of guy she seems to treat me like. she is fond of cuddling and i am too but to a lesser degree. she enjoys spooning with me, and i let her do it every night. its a feeling of security that she gets from it and i am happy to provide it. but when i want sex as another form of intimacy with her its a whole different ball game. i feel that sex is important and honestly, it helps me to feel loved. we both have let ourselves go a bit but she has told me that looks arent important to her and i have proved that her looks are not important to me. i am attracted to her because of WHO she is not what she looks like, but i can't seem to convince her of that. should i just give up on this and just be grateful for whenever she feels like it? i feel like such a jackass trying to initiate sex and being rejected constantly. i dont want anything nice i do for her to be just about sex, but at the point we're at, she really seems to believe i ONLY do kind things for her because i wanna get her in the sack. i love my wife very much and feel a bit abandoned because i am not asking for any reason other than wanting to, to have sex with her. i feel like she should want to want me. at least that is what i hope for. sorry for the long winded question but i would like opinions that are more specific than just: "buy her flowers, take her out". thank you for any advice you may offer. :)

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Sounds like a great relationship. Really. You both seem to love each other.

I understand why sex helps you to feel loved because sex is the physical expression of love. But it isn't the only expression of love.

However, sacrifice is also an expression of love. Could you perhaps sacrifice "sex" for the woman you love?

Sincerely,

De Maria

Very well put.

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Originally Posted by fendenkrell

my wife and i have been married for about 8 years now, i am 28 and she is too. when we were 1st married we had sex alot. time has passed, and 4 kids later, i would say we have sex 1-2 times a month. quite frankly it is not enough for me. i can understand if she had to deal with the kids constantly, but in our marriage we have more or less reversed the "traditional" roles. she works, and i stay at home and care for the children. it works well for us. i have attempted to make her understand my point of view but it seems everything i say leaves her with the impression that: "i am just a selfish jerk and i just want to DO her." i LOVE my wife and i love to have sex with her that is true, but i am not a "wham bam thank-you maam" kind of guy she seems to treat me like. she is fond of cuddling and i am too but to a lesser degree. she enjoys spooning with me, and i let her do it every night. its a feeling of security that she gets from it and i am happy to provide it. but when i want sex as another form of intimacy with her its a whole different ball game. i feel that sex is important and honestly, it helps me to feel loved. we both have let ourselves go a bit but she has told me that looks arent important to her and i have proved that her looks are not important to me. i am attracted to her because of WHO she is not what she looks like, but i can't seem to convince her of that. should i just give up on this and just be grateful for whenever she feels like it? i feel like such a jackass trying to initiate sex and being rejected constantly. i dont want anything nice i do for her to be just about sex, but at the point we're at, she really seems to believe i ONLY do kind things for her because i wanna get her in the sack. i love my wife very much and feel a bit abandoned because i am not asking for any reason other than wanting to, to have sex with her. i feel like she should want to want me. at least that is what i hope for. sorry for the long winded question but i would like opinions that are more specific than just: "buy her flowers, take her out". thank you for any advice you may offer. :)

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OK.. coming from a woman just hear me out. You I bet she's busy with the kids and stuff but I mean sex takes what 30 minutes - 2 hours depending on the couple? She likes spooning you say? Start kissing her neck and doing whatever she likes to get her in the mood (you should know, you are married to her after all)... make love to her in the same spooning position. I know when I am feeling insecure or need reassure or I'm exhausted from work or am just needing plain old love... this is the position that my boyfriend and I use. I am not saying you will cheat on your wife, just please be aware of your thought process as this is a problem that most normally leads to cheating or dishonest behavior.

All very good suggestions. Taking care of kids is never-ending. Is she depressed? Ask her how you could help her? Show concern instead of need? Her diet may be a factor... look up foods for a great sex drive... buy her organic strawberries and chocolate dip but do not expect anything for a week or two, Pumpkin seeds are high in zinc, too, on the 3rd week give her a gift certificate for adult store but one mostly sexy night gowns and some costumes with a sweet note for sexy mama... good luck

What is her hierarchy of needs (from a psychological perspective, wouldn't her more basic needs have to be met before she could focus on higher needs)? Does she consider sex a peripheral pleasure, to be enjoyed only after other needs have been met? With four children and work responsibilities, is she getting proper sleep, nutrition, and exercise? I am a working mom with only one child, which I find all consuming, and it often seems my basic needs are not met (I'm always tired, not eating or exercising as well as I could be, needing to grab a quick shower before work, etc.). I read a study once describing how having children causes marital satisfaction to decrease (the study described how satisfaction supposedly increases again once the youngest child leaves the house). I wouldn't trade my child for anything, but I can believe that having a child decreases marital satisfaction. I think the suggestion about sending the kids to a grandparent's house or Friday night (making a "date night" where she doesn't have to work the next day) is great! The only times I have been truly able to relax and have great sex with my husband since having a baby is when we have been alone in the house (it's been best of all when we've taken an hour or two before the sex to catch up on chores together, so there is one less responsibility weighing). When our child is home, I am constantly vigilant and preoccupied with her needs (even if she's sleeping). When she was out of the house, however, and we could focus exclusively on each other, I was so much more excited about sex. Good luck!