I have 15 and 17 year old daughters. The 15 year old loves to instigate conflict and is no diplomat. Today's incident is typical and drove me to seek out some help.

15 year old is making breakfast. 17 year old asks for her to make her eggs too. 15 year old refuses and they get into a verbal argument that ends with 17 year old beating on the 15 year old.

Mom intervenes and not atypically the 17 year old who honestly feels she shouldn't have to do anything around the house because she has a job. ( no car, partime job we drive her to.), pushes Mom.

17 year old is bigger and gets in mom's face as is usual and taunts. Mom loses it and smacks her in the face. 17 year old gets more in her face and dares her to do it again. Mom does.

Little background: Mom is on the liver transplant list for a bile duct constriction slowly digesting her own liver. Medication she is on to thin the bile makes her have pretty wild mood swings, quick to anger. As a result, mom can't do much around the house without being exhausted. I work, come home, cook, do most of the cleaning. Daughters only do what I mandate them to do and usually with much griping. I know they are teenagers but it does get annoying to have them home all day, Summer. And coming home to a dirty kitchen, etc.

Back to today's question. What is a reasonable punishment? My daughter assaulted mom with the push and sister with hitting, and mom assaulted the daughter with the slap. The 15 year old after the initial beating was eating up the strife, she gets some kind of perverse pleasure seeing people argue.

I've raised these children for the last 8 years but this stepdad needs some help.

Take away her computer, cellphone, rides to work?
How do I get them to open eyes to fact that mom might not be around for many more years and even if she gets the transplant, we need proactive help around the house.


Sorry for the long post.

Well, this is a toughy, tell your duaghters, that these may be the last years of their mothers life and that you want them to be filled with happiness and joy, tell your 17 year old that mom is going to be a little crazy, so don't provoke her.
And yes you should punish the 17 year, old I'd say since her excuse is "i work so i don't have to help around here." stop driving her to work, that seems fair, say when sh argress to make an effort to help this family out then you'll drive her again.
Hope this helps.

Let's see - I work full time and have to do housework. Since when does having a job mean you don't help out around the house? If she lives there and eats there then she can do the work. If she would rather not, then she can pay you rent so you can get a housekeeper to help your wife.

You all need to go to counseling regarding what your wife is facing. The girls are most likely upset about their mother's condition and they way they show it is to be petulant brats. You also need to start a zero tolerance policy against hitting and your wife needs to be on the program. I can't imagine what she is going through, but that doesn't mean she can hit her kids - they will only copy what she is teaching them.

Hang in there!

Depending on whether she gets to keep the money from her job or she helps support the family with it, you can also tell her she can't work until she learns how to do her job at home. She is not ready for the responsibility of a job if she can't manage to clean up after herself at home. Also, I was that young not too long ago, and I know I hated it when my mom would come up with different things for me to do and hit me with them all when I got home from school. You might try giving them set chores so they know what to expect and what they have to do when, like one feeds the dogs on odd days and one on even, etc, that way there is no fighting about who's turn it is. Good luck

Some peace-making is in order. It won't happen during an event. Just have to ride that river out.

Ground the 17 year old for pushing mom. Something time-related that can be adjusted for good behavior. Be sure she knows how much you hate doing it.

Then ground the 15 years old in the identical way. WOW? What!

Your daughters are at odds with one another. They play off each other for misery and one seems to enjoy the fallout. The only way to stop that is to equalize the fallout.

Sit the girls down and let them know about a new rule you're going to try out for awhile. It goes something like this and I call it "Misery Loves Company":

• If SALLY does something wrong and is punished, BETTY shares her punishment. It's up to Sally if Betty gets out of it or not, misery loves company.
• If Betty wants to get out of the punishment, she can do so at any time...with Sally's permission. This means she will have to earn the good favor of Sally. She can do this in any manner that mom and dad approve.
• If Sally wants to get out of the original punishment, Betty cannot be being punished at the same time (no misery loves company in force), and BETTY has to make the plea on behalf of Sally to try to convince mom and dad.
• Randomly, bring the two girls into a room together and pull out a $5 bill. Offer it to the girl who has the nicest SINCERE and genuine compliment to give the other girl. They each get a go. Ties are allowed. Even if they lose the challenge, they DID just hear something positive from the mouth of the sister, a win.
• Mom and dad can adjust the "Misery Loves Company" rules at any time, and ideas from the kids are welcome.

The goal here is to set you two at odds with them and put them into the same boat most of the time. As long as no one is in trouble, no one is at odds with anyone. But as soon as one screws up, you bond them together.

This may take some time, but they start deferring to one another, and any argument on any issues between them that escalates out of control, whomever's fault, they both suffer the consequences. You don't care whose fault it is, flip a coin, blame it on the loser, punish them both and give the loser the ability to let the winner off the punishment if she wants. If she chooses to, then they can try to talk you out of punishing the loser altogether.

Awesome getting them to stick up for one another instead of bashing, huh?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by TexasDad

I have 15 and 17 year old daughters. The 15 year old loves to instigate conflict and is no diplomat. Today's incident is typical and drove me to seek out some help.

15 year old is making breakfast. 17 year old asks for her to make her eggs too. 15 year old refuses and they get into a verbal argument that ends with 17 year old beating on the 15 year old.

Mom intervenes and not atypically the 17 year old who honestly feels she shouldnt have to do anything around the house because she has a job. ( no car, partime job we drive her to.), pushes Mom.

17 year old is bigger and gets in mom's face as is usual and taunts. Mom loses it and smacks her in the face. 17 year old gets more in her face and dares her to do it again. Mom does.

little background: Mom is on the liver transplant list for a bile duct constriction slowly digesting her own liver. medication she is on to thin the bile makes her have pretty wild mood swings, quick to anger. As a result, mom can't do much around the house without being exhausted. I work, come home, cook, do most of the cleaning. Daughters only do what I mandate them to do and usually with much griping. I know they are teenagers but it does get annoying to have them home all day, Summer. and coming home to a dirty kitchen, etc.

back to today's question. What is a reasonable punishment? My daughter assaulted mom with the push and sister with hitting, and mom assaulted the daughter with the slap. The 15 year old after the initial beating was eating up the strife, she gets some kind of perverse pleasure seeing people argue.

I've raised these children for the last 8 years but this stepdad needs some help.

take away her computer, cellphone, rides to work?
How do I get them to open eyes to fact that mom might not be around for many more years and even if she gets the transplant, we need proactive help around the house.


sorry for the long post.

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Get a belt and spank her she is 17 years old she almost grown you the man of the house and put your foot down and let her know she isn't running things around the house or get a paddle like the one the schools have in there office I got my butt whipped lots of time and look at me now I graduated school and doing good in life trust me she will know who the boss is be the man and step up