I have become even more emotionally and mentally distressed. I think of my death all the time and when I do I feel happy because I want to die that much. I even attempted suicide but unfortunately didn't succeed. And now I'm on here because I'm so ing sickening that I have no one to talk to so yeah my main goal in life has turned from joining the marines to dying as a marine in combat. I have dreams of my death all the time, I daydream and find myself happy and in a good mood when I think of my death.

When I was a child I witnissed my mothers attempted suicide right before my eyes, I watched my mother try to drive a foot long knife into her wrist only to have the knife bend just long enough for my father to stop her. Then I went through visiting my mother at a mental rehab center. Then I went through more damage when my mother came home and started to fight with my father. She left and went to live with one of the town scumbags and I was left mothorless. The only interaction I got of her was when she was either at the park( too drunk and stoned to realize her kids were even there) or at her " boyfriends house". My mother did not even aknowledge the fact we were there and just carried on while I was only a 5or 6 year old boy wondering why mommy is kissing another man. Why mommy isn't even saying anymore than HI... I guess I didn't realize how much damage it truly caused, It has caused me to do bad in school from 3rd grade on, doing way below my abilities. Also, I believed it has caused mental and emotional problems within myself and I don't know what to do. Ive started to hate life and everything about it. I realized that I have truly nothing to live for and matter nothing to anyone outside my family. I dream and daydream and think about my death and wanting to die every day of my life. I planned on joining the Marine Corps to better myself, now I want to join so I get to die and have a heroes funeral. I also have a problem with looking people in the face if I don't know them really well or am friends with them. I feel like I'm constantly being judged and it makes me hate myself even more. I have extremely low self esteem even though people say I'm cute or hott I don't believe that, I think I'm ugly and useless. I already cut myself and tell you the truth I'm thinking of doiung it more, it actually makes you feel better. I bottle up all of my pain and have no one to talk to so when I cut myself some of the pain goes away for a little while. I also tried to commit suicide and think about committing suicide all the time, I actually have been thinking of a way to get on top of my school to jump off the roof when school is letting out, I think that would be really cool to finally show the "friends" I have that I was being serious when I said I wanted to die, and that I wanted help. They didn't listen or see any of the signs but that's all right. Im desperate and truly thinking of saving up for a gun with a single bullet.

Moved to its own post.

Well first you need professional help, Help beyond what any of us on this board can provide

The National Suicide Hotline here in the US is
1800-621-4000
Please call and talk to them

As long as we live and breathe we can always improve things, so much in iife is a matter of choices, it is time to start making newer ones.
As for as the marines, no, a marine has to be willing to die for others, but also does not want to die, a marie that wants to die will put the lives of others at risk.

Please call the number and start looking for help

I agree with Fr_Chuck, professional help, possibly a prescription for antidepressants. From your other posts I see that you are a young teen, honey it's time to get help, you are to young to be this sad and depressed. It could simply be a chemical imbalance. Get help, you have your whole life ahead of you, at least give it a try, don't give up.

Remember that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Although you may feel like your situation right now will never end, I can promise you that it will.

Have you considered counseling? Are you in counseling?

I've been exactly where you are and I personaly would also suggest seeking help. The antidepressants help a lot and therapy is one of the best ways to over come it. It will get better, it may take time but it will.

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Originally Posted by J_9

Remember that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Although you may feel like your situation right now will never end, I can promise you that it will.

Have you considered counseling? Are you in counseling?

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When I read your post I atomaticallly daydreamed about the situation ending but not in a very clean way... well just leave it at that...

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Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

moved to its own post.

Well first you need professional help, Help beyond what any of us on this board can provide

The National Suicide Hotline here in the US is
1800-621-4000
Please call and talk to them

As long as we live and breathe we can always improve things, so much in iife is a matter of choices, it is time to start making newer ones.
As for as the marines, no, a marine has to be willing to die for others, but also does not want to die, a marie that wants to die will put the lives of others at risk.

Please call the number and start looking for help

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Well I'm not going to call and talk to some stranger, I mean my own " friends"won't even talk to me so why should I even give two s

Many things have contributed to your current mental state.

I'm so sorry about your childhood experiences with that type of mother.

I think everyone has things that happen during our lives that can cause us to feel the way you do now. While some are worse than others, the way they affect each of us is what matters, not comparing our stories and fighting over who had it worse.

What I think would do you much good, is to really be able to talk to someone who cares, and not the back and forth format that is used here.

Here is a link to a hotline, with people you can actually have a conversation with.

Please use it. Even if it feels uncomfortable, give it a try, the way you feel right now, you really don't have anything to loose in just talking to someone. They don't know who you are, and they won't judge or condem you.

Teen & Parent Crisis Hotline - Suicide, Depression, School & Abuse Help

I haven't considered counceling nor will I ever... People wonder why I'm atheist and I atomatically think WHERE WAS HE WHEN I NEEDED HIM... Personal experience has proven to me that god doesn't exist. Religion is a medieval idea used to explain the formerly unknown to people who didn't know about who they were and how they got there.

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Originally Posted by progunr

Many things have contributed to your current mental state.

I'm so sorry about your childhood experiences with that type of mother.

I think everyone has things that happen during our lives that can cause us to feel the way you do now. While some are worse than others, the way they affect each of us is what matters, not comparing our stories and fighting over who had it worse.

What I think would do you much good, is to really be able to talk to someone who cares, and not the back and forth format that is used here.

Here is a link to a hotline, with people you can actually have a conversation with.

Please use it. Even if it feels uncomfortable, give it a try, the way you feel right now, you really don't have anything to loose in just talking to someone. They don't know who you are, and they won't judge or condem you.

Teen & Parent Crisis Hotline - Suicide, Depression, School & Abuse Help

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I thought of your advice and decided to not take it... Sorry but at this point I don't think talking to some stranger is going to help. I believe it would actually make how I feel about myself even worse.

That is a very hard thing for anyone to go through. But if you just spilled your heart out to strangers on the internet there has to be something inside you that keeps saying you can make it through this.

I am not going to pretend I know what you went through with your mom cause I can't and it was horrible but you can get better. I used to have a hard time looking people in the face or talking to people because I had low self esteem also, but I just got to a point where I said F@CK them this is who I am and if they don't respect it F@ck 'em. Do your best to get in the Marines when you get in there maybe you will find something you like and you can start to build your new life from there. Is there anything in your life right now that makes you even get a little smile on your face besides thinking of your death?

But this is the problem, you are not thinking correctly, you are confused,
So if you don't want to talk to a stanger, talk to a school couselor, talk to a pastor, Many cities have teen programs like the Y that have couselors also. You are 15 and I am sorry you need to talk to someone. Pick up the phone, they do not judge, they listen and listen.

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Originally Posted by spitvenom

That is a very hard thing for anyone to go through. But if you just spilled your heart out to strangers on the internet there has to be something inside you that keeps saying you can make it through this.

I am not going to pretend I know what you went through with your mom cause i can't and it was horrible but you can get better. I used to have a hard time looking people in the face or talking to people because I had low self esteem also, but I just got to a point where I said F@CK them this is who I am and if they don't respect it F@ck 'em. Do your best to get in the Marines when you get in there maybe you will find something you like and you can start to build your new life from there. Is there anything in your life right now that makes you even get a little smile on your face besides thinking of your death?

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The only other thing I can think of is helping people with there own problems. It takes my mind off my own

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

but this is the problem, you are not thinking correctly, you are confused,
so if you don't want to talk to a stanger, talk to a school couselor, talk to a pastor, Many cities have teen programs like the Y that have couselors also. You are 15 and I am sorry you need to talk to someone. Pick up the phone, they do not judge, they listen and listen.

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The school councelor is a strangor to me, I truly have no one to talk to about my problems that I would feel comfortable talking to. Also, I am not going to talk to a pastor because I am atheist and do not believe in a god. Call me just an angry confused teen but I don't. The people I truly need to talk to have no idea how to handle this and I don't want to put that burden on them.

My mother isn't the only cause of this, but I believe that may have been the greatest factor in what is going on now.

How old are you ricky?

Ricky I'm not a counsellor, I'm not an expert, I'm not anything other than a mom, and a human being. I really wish I could give you a hug right now, you need it and so much more that I cannot give you. So here I go with a bit of advice.

You have taken a huge step, you have reached out and told someone about your thoughts and feelings, who, us. We are a bunch of strangers to you, and sometimes it's easier to tell strangers what you are feeling, especially if you don't have to look in their face when doing so.

I know what how it is to feel useless, depressed, even suicidal, thankfully I don't feel that way anymore. My mom and dad were great, the best parents in the world, I was lucky, I however did not have an ideal childhood. I was molested by my cousin when I was five years old (at least that's my earliest recollection). When I became a teen I started experimenting with sex, drugs, you name it, I didn't care, and even though deep down I knew why, I wouldn't admit it to myself. At the age of 18 I was raped by an ex-boyfriends friend, well, why not have sex with every guy that came along, better to give myself than to have them take me by force.

It wasn't until I met my husband that I realized that I was worth more than that, and it wasn't until recently, very recently that I told my story to anyone other than hubby and a friend of mine. Were did I tell my story, here on AMHD. What was the advice? Get therapy, see a counsellor, deal with your demons, let that five year old girl have a voice. I am on antidepressants, they help allot, I have yet to see a therapist, but talking to the people on this site has helped a great deal. One day I hope that I'll be strong enough to tell someone face to face who can actually help me deal with it. Will you make a pact with me? I will go to therapy (something I fear more than anything) if you get help as well.

Sweetie, you've had a rotten childhood, you are still a child, but you can change your future, you can make a positive change right now, here with us. Get help, for yourself, for your future, don't give up. It takes someone really strong to keep going even though it's so much easier to give up. Are you strong? I think so, now prove it.

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Originally Posted by Altenweg

Ricky I'm not a counsellor, I'm not an expert, I'm not anything other than a mom, and a human being. I really wish I could give you a hug right now, you need it and so much more that I cannot give you. So here I go with a bit of advice.

You have taken a huge step, you have reached out and told someone about your thoughts and feelings, who, us. We are a bunch of strangers to you, and sometimes it's easier to tell strangers what you are feeling, especially if you don't have to look in their face when doing so.

I know what how it is to feel useless, depressed, even suicidal, thankfully I don't feel that way anymore. My mom and dad were great, the best parents in the world, I was lucky, I however did not have an ideal childhood. I was molested by my cousin when I was five years old (at least that's my earliest recollection). When I became a teen I started experimenting with sex, drugs, you name it, I didn't care, and even though deep down I knew why, I wouldn't admit it to myself. At the age of 18 I was raped by an ex-boyfriends friend, well, why not have sex with every guy that came along, better to give myself than to have them take me by force.

It wasn't until I met my husband that I realized that I was worth more than that, and it wasn't until recently, very recently that I told my story to anyone other than hubby and a friend of mine. Were did I tell my story, here on AMHD. What was the advice? Get therapy, see a counsellor, deal with your demons, let that five year old girl have a voice. I am on antidepressants, they help allot, I have yet to see a therapist, but talking to the people on this site has helped a great deal. One day I hope that I'll be strong enough to tell someone face to face who can actually help me deal with it. Will you make a pact with me? I will go to therapy (something I fear more than anything) if you get help as well.

Sweetie, you've had a rotten childhood, you are still a child, but you can change your future, you can make a positive change right now, here with us. Get help, for yourself, for your future, don't give up. It takes someone really strong to keep going even though it's so much easier to give up. Are you strong? I think so, now prove it.

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I don't know where tooo go...
I also when I was a child had something happen dealing with me being confused about sex. But I wasn't molested and I can't telll you enough how much I wish I could help... But I heard a saying ounce, the best help you can give a person is a friend to talk to sooooo...
And also when I was a child( about 6,7or8) I started to hang out with a kid that was about 16. He and my sister got me into chewing tobacco, ciggerrettes and nothing really more than that. Now that I look back I just wonder where my parents were that whole time. They would let me roam the streets in my small town until it was late. Then one day I walked in on them doing something... And I was confused, they SCREAMED AT ME TO GET OUT no talk no birds and the bees not a damn thing. So I thought I was supposed to do and I did some things that I will never tell anyone, not even with my dying breath. That is why I can't talk to girls like a normal boy, I fear that I would hurt them not physically but emotionally.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by spitvenom

How old are you ricky?

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Im 15 turning 16 on June 4th.

I also like the outdoors. I just love the peace and harmony, even when I'm in my backyard. If I could get a volunteer job or just a job at a national park or wilderness reserve where I could just go hiking for a day or two that would be awesome but I doubt I could.

Ricky,

You need someone on your side... you are too young to be able to think clearly about the future, your current state, and so forth because of your deeply depressed state and lack of perspective about life.

Be willing to let go of control to a school counsellor who can get you to a good therapist... you would be surprised how much a good therapist can help you.

Instead of ruminating constantly about negative death thoughts and mantras, why not take a positive mantra until you get to the therapist... "I am worthy of love" and say that over and over when you are overtaken by negativity.

You are worthy of love and worthy of having a good life as you are able to make for yourself when you grow up.

Make that positive step asap. :)