How to keep in touch with younger siblings over long distance
Sorry that this is long, but it's a pretty complicated situation, and I'm desperate. I am concerned about keeping in touch with my younger brothers. I am 24 and haven't lived at home since I was 16, because I went into foster care then. My younger brother who is now 18 was only 10 at the time, and never knew why I left, or where I went. I was not able to talk to him because my dad would not let me unless I saw him first, but he had been abusing me and I didn't want to talk to him, even if I had wanted to the social workers would not have allowed it. I was strongly encouraged to just move on by the social workers, and foster parents. But I always missed my little brother who I was very close to so terribly. My step mother was pregnant at the time, and now that brother is 8 years old. He was never even told about me at all, he didn't know he even had a sister. I just recently called my step mother for the first time in 8 years and she was very glad to hear from me. To my surprise she also had not been told why I left home. She thought I just ran away, and my dad had told her it was her fault because she was mean to me. I went to visit them (they live in another state) for a few days as soon as I could. I was so glad to see my little brother again, although he's not so little now, and to meet my youngest brother. I gave my dad a piece of my mind when I saw him, so he pretty much stayed away from the house while I visited. He is very afraid that I will tell my brother what he did to me, and why I left. I'm very torn right now. Because I want my brother to know that I did not just abandon him, but I also want to protect him from the truth. His mother (my step mother) also asked that I not tell him because it might hurt him. Right now he has his innocence and a positive view of his father, and I don't know that I want to take that away from him. Also this is something that would be awkward to tell him since the abuse was molestation. And it gets more complicated because my step mom has not been happy for years in the marriage, but has stayed with my dad because he has turned the 18 year old against her since she no longer attends the same church they do (Jehovah's Witnesses). And in that religion the members are instructed not to mingle with outsiders, including family. So if my step mom leaves, my brother (18 year old) said that he would stay with his dad. My dad has really manipulated him. She does not want to split up my two brothers so she doesn't know what to do. I want to help her because I know what a bad man my dad is. And in a way I want my brother to know how bad he really is, but I don't know if that's the wrong thing to do to tell him outright. My dad has emotionally abused my step mother for years and years, and I know he's emotionally abusing my brothers, but since they've been so brainwashed it's hard to make them see this. My step mother has almost no confidence because of my dad. She recently said to me… “ I just hate being here, I think I'm to the point that I just leave and never see my kids again”. She is convinced that he would get custody of the younger one, and the older one has already made it clear he would stay with his father. So she feels so helpless.
So for now I just keep in touch as much as possible, and encourage my step mother to not give up on her children. I added my step mother, and my brother to my cell phone plan and got them cell phones so that they can keep in touch with me, and also to give my brother a little more freedom because he is not allowed to have friends outside of the church, or talk on the phone to friends etc. Just to give an example, he doesn't drive, and when I asked him doesn't he want to learn to drive, he said.. “oh there is no reason to.” So I said, “come on all teenagers want to drive!” And he said… “well I'm not most teenagers.” His dad has made him believe he should feel guilty for wanting to be independent, have a job, a car, or have fun. I know exactly what is happening to him because I went through the same thing. But the kid is graduating this year, he has to learn to be self sufficient, or go to college, or SOMETHING. But, He has already been using the phone a lot from looking at the bill so to me that is good sign. I talk to my step mom every day, and email or call my brother every day or so. My step mother and I have no problem finding things to talk about, but with my brother, he's very quite and reserved so it's hard to have a long distance relationship with him, and the youngest one is only 8 so it's even harder with him because he doesn't talk well, or very long on the phone. Also I have to be very careful to not say anything out of turn to my 18 year old brother that could be considered in conflict with his beliefs or morals or else my dad would make him feel guilty for associating with me. I have already missed 8 years of their lives, I desperately don't want to loose them again. What are some things that I could talk to an 18 year old or an 8 year old on the phone about? How can I gain their confidence so that I can help them see that their mom is not a bad person just because their dad says she is. I'm so far away so I feel helpless to do anything for them. Please help! This is always on my mind and it is affecting my quality of work at my job, and I also go to school in the evenings on top of working full time so I really can't handle all of this.
