for anyone who decides to respond, thanks so much. This isn't easy for me, but I don't know what else to do. A few weeks ago I did something really stupid. I was disloyal, I didn't do anything physical or anything like. It was something I wrote to another guy, all I said to this random guy was that it would be fine if we just talked, and I did let him know that I was involved with someone. Well the guy I'm so in love with found out about this, and now he basically hates me, he told me he completely stopped loving me. He's honestly the one for me, I know. We talked about moving in together this summer, and starting our lives together, but after what I did, he said it would never happen. I don't know what to do about any of this. I know what I did was wrong, believe me I do, I regret it so much. I wasn't looking for anyone else. I've told him that I'm sorry about everything, and that I would never do anything like this again, but he doesn't care. He said I did it already, and that he can't trust me. I don't know what else to say to him to gain his trust back. He loved me in a way that is hard to find, he's perfect, and I think I blew it. When we talk now, he'll hardly say anything, and anything I say gets him mad, and he starts going off, it hurts me so much. Please anyone that can give me some advice, I really would appreciate it.

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Originally Posted by thinkinabouthim

i don't know what else to say to him to gain his trust back.

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From what I have learned over the past couple days, you have to SHOW him he can trust you. A "relationship expert" can help you on the rest, and how to deal with the situation. I really lack any expertize in this field, and don't want to say the wrong thing, but I hope you get help and everything works out... Good Luck

Actually, there's nothing you can do to get him to trust you again. Nothing at all. People claim that trust is earned, and that's not exactly true.

Trust is implicitly given without merit through the beginning of the relationship. Then, the trust either stays or it does not based on your actions.

You did something clearly disloyal. WORSE, you did it to a guy you describe as behaving flawlessly to you, perfect in every way, as you said. A man who was treating you THIS well while still dating, sheesh, imagine what you would have had in your marriage to him!

I don't mean to rub salt on this wound, I want you to honestly realize the situation. Trust isn't earned, it's given. Then it is destroyed or not by your own actions. You destroyed it.

He has also made it clear in no uncertain terms that he is aware of this ability in you. Since he did absolutely NOTHING to deserve your disloyalty (your words), I bet he KNOWS he did nothing to deserve it. Make sense?

So, by simple logic (and men are LOGIC creatures), your words mean nothing because if he lets you back in and he does everything right with you a second time, you STILL have the ability to destroy him again. You have proven this ability. You cannot talk your way out of this, he has learned it and is holding on to the lesson.

For YOU, the lesson must be taken into your next relationship. There is none to be had with this man. If you accept what you did and the natural consequences of it, he MAY let you back into the friend zone a few months from now. Maybe not. You need to own it anyway.

When you apoligize to him, make sure you aren't including "please come back to me" in the apology. That will scream selfishishness to him and he won't actually believe the apology at all. Right now you are best to seek forgiveness and forgiveness only.

Healing and time might restore your friendship. Your dating days with him are over. You will do better next time, won't you?

are you sure you are being totally honest about what you said to that guy.. I mean while I don't agree with what you did, and I understand him being hurt, you did just say you could talk, and that you were involved with somebody. It just seems to me there has to be more to this than just that. Did you know this random guy was in to you... did you guys ever talk inappropriately, ever talk about meeting each other in person, in your mind did you think that things could go further with this guy.

I think what you did was pretty low, but I don't know if I would personally break up with someone for only the reasons you just stated...

You got some good answers here. I agree on those except to the part that JB already talks about a new relationship and that all is over.

First, you screw up, big time. And there is no way you can make turn back the time. So let the time heal the wounds.

Second. You might really have not told all. Woman's normally do such things if they have some relationship problems. There is maybe a part you are hiding here. And a 'random guy' is as well a very strange description, even more as your ex found out about your little 'note'.

Third. LOVE can't be switched on and off. You told he stopped to love you. How comes ? If he loved you then he is deeply hurt, lost trust etc. but he didn't stop to love you.

So here what I would do. Let your ex in peace for a while. If you already asked sorry, told him what a mistake you made and that the other guy had no meaning for you you can't make more at the moment. Hope you didn't blame your ex for something he missed to do or to deliver, then you would have a second problem.

Then you have to go slow and gain, earn trust again. As told, you can't ask for trust.

Who really loves, also forgive. But it must be worth while and that's in your hands.

G.

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Originally Posted by NorthernNiceGuy

are you sure you are being totally honest about what you said to that guy....? I mean while I don't agree with what you did, and I understand him being hurt, you did just say you could talk, and that you were involved with somebody. It just seems to me there has to be more to this than just that. Did you know this random guy was in to you... did you guys ever talk inappropriately, ever talk about meeting each other in person, in your mind did you think that things could go further with this guy.

I think what you did was pretty low, but I don't know if I would personally break up with someone for only the reasons you just stated....

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Believe me I know what I did was so. No I would never have any sort of inappropriate conversation with anyone. I told this guy that I didn't know what his intentions were, but that I could only be a friend, nothing more. I didn't think any of this would go further, I stopped completely talking to him when I knew he was into me, that's when it completely ended. I wasn't looking for someone else. It breaks my heart to know that I hurt this guy that I love so much, it was not my intention to do that, the thing is that we talked about something like this, and I said to him that loyalty was so important, and yeah I really can't believe I did what I did, believe me I think the worst of myself right now. It surprises me because I'm not that type of girl. Thanks for replying I really do appreciate it.

I really REALLY want you to learn well from this. That isn't going to happen if you insist on an "I know he's hurt and says it's over but I need a plan to make it not be over anyway." This effectively says that being sorry means I should expect to not have to pay any consequences.

I believe your story, unless there is some reason not to. So, your own words:

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i know what i did was wrong, believe me i do, i regret it so much. i wasn't looking for anyone else. i've told him that i'm sorry about everything, and that i would never do anything like this again, but he doesn't care. he said i did it already, and that he can't trust me.

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THIS is what I meant. He says he doesn't care when you talk to him because you aren't apologizing for him, you are apologizing for you. You are trying to convince him you're sorry so he'll take you back. You have to stop that if you want him to listen to you at all.

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i don't know what else to say to him to gain his trust back. he loved me in a way that is hard to find, he's perfect, and i think i blew it. when we talk now, he'll hardly say anything, and anything i say gets him mad, and he starts going off...

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Again, he gets mad because your words now ring false. They ring false because I KNOW you are apologizing with phrases ultimately meaning "I am sorry, I won't do it again, be my man and I promise I'll be faithful."

That's a selfish apology, it is intended to get YOU something, not offer him something inconditionally.

Unless your story is wrong, then your ONLY chance with this guy IS a long term, unconditional apology and attempt to get back into his friend zone. That's it. It sounds like he gets the situation very clearly.

Forgiving you does NOT have include giving you your g/f role back. Not at all. Actions DO have consequences, even if we forgive them.

He's decided not to be your b/f anymore. That consequence is real. You STILL need to correctly seek/acquire his forgiveness. Then become his friend again. Then his confidante.

Who know, MAYBE a looooooog way down the road you willl be given another shot, I just wouldn't count on it. Getting his friendship back may be the most you can expect.

And learn from this. Actions have consequences and saying "I'm sorry" only counts for so much. It's not a magic bullet. And men can hear when "I'm sorry" really means "don't punish me."

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Originally Posted by JBeaucaire

Again, he gets mad because your words now ring false. They ring false because I KNOW you are apologizing with phrases ultimately meaning "I am sorry, I won't do it again, be my man and I promise I'll be faithful."

That's a selfish apology, it is intended to get YOU something, not offer him something inconditionally.

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Thanks so much, I really do think you're right. I never thought of it that way, as me apologizing being selfish, I'm starting to think it really is. Again thanks a lot I appreciate it

Excellent! This knowledge goes a long way in all areas of life. You will even start to notice when people's apologies to YOU are actually self-medications on their part.

And they will be surprised when you accept their apology, but DON'T give them the additional "prize" the apology was designed to garner them.

"You broke your piggy bank? I accept your apology, you are forgiven, I'm not mad any more. No, you can't have another piggy bank."

Sound like he's doing this and you CAN save your friendship if he doesn't hear you giving any more selfish apologies.

Take care.

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Originally Posted by JBeaucaire

Sound like he's doing this and you CAN save your friendship if he doesn't hear you giving any more selfish apologies.

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I'm going coming to you for advice because you seem to really want to help people. I get confused sometimes with the way he acts sometimes. He always seems really mad, which he is and I understand that. He's told me that it's completely over but with certain things he says, it seems like he wants me to show him that I do love him, and show him that I care. It confuses me because he's said that it's over and that he doesn't want me back, so I'm not sure why he wants me to still show him that I care. Again thanks for everything.

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Originally Posted by thinkinabouthim

i'm going coming to you for advice because you seem to really want to help people. i get confused sometimes with the way he acts sometimes. he always seems really mad, which he is and i understand that. he's told me that it's completely over but with certain things he says, it seems like he wants me to show him that i do love him, and show him that i care. it confuses me because he's said that it's over and that he doesn't want me back, so i'm not sure why he wants me to still show him that i care. again thanx for everything.

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Quite honestly I feel like he is playing a little bit of a game with you. I am not going to put you down anymore for what you did. But If what you wrote is true about what you talked with that guy, I don't think your boyfriend should have just ended it like that. It really seems to harsh. You even told the other guy about him, and how much loyalty meant and ended it when you did find out he was in to you. (should have realized he was into you when he added you... randoms guys don't just want to be friends with a girl they haven't met)

I think your boyfriend is loving the fact that you are all over him and expressing how much you care about him. I think you are both wrong here, you for what you did and him for taking such offense to it. You have told him how you feel and now I think it is time that you just leave him alone. If he is playing a game than this sudden stop in affection from you is going to get to him... and he will say wait a minute, I took this too far. I mean if it works out it does, if it doesn't you are still young so there are going to be other guys. You are not doing yourself anymore favors now by acting the way you are to him. Give it a try and see what happens, worst that happens is that you realize it is indeed over.

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Originally Posted by NorthernNiceGuy

Quite honestly I feel like he is playing a little bit of a game with you. I am not going to put you down anymore for what you did...
I think your bf is loving the fact that you are all over him and expressing how much you care about him. I think you are both wrong here, you for what you did and him for taking such offense to it. You have told him how you feel and now I think it is time that you just leave him alone. If he is playing a game than this sudden stop in affection from you is going to get to him... and he will say wait a minute, I took this too far.

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I'll be honest and say that this is really scary for him, to just stop showing him that I care, because I do still care, and the feelings I have for him won't just go away. I've been honest with him about this, and I've told him that it's really hard for me to express how I feel about him now only because I get hurt whenever I say anything and he just doesn't seem to care. If I tell him that it hurts me he'll say that I'm only thinking about myself and being selfish. The thought of just leaving him alone is hard, but I can't keep doing this, it's hard, and I don't want to just give up, but I really can't take it anymore. It's just getting insanely hard. I hope he realizes that I care, and that I'm really sorry. And yes everything I said about what I wrote to that guy is true, I have no reason to lie about that. Thanks for the advice, thanks a lot.

It is not enough to love someone. You can't control that. I know you're feeling the pain of that truth right now. You love, but you're still imperfect. He loves, and he's still imperfect.

Your feelings for one another don't control you, else why would you have betrayed him? No, feelings are the first straw that gets the camel going. The rest of the straws are the things you DO and SAY, but mostly what you DO.

Your camel got its back broken, but the straw of love and affection... hey, it's still right there. But what good does that get you to focus on that straw when there's still a broken camel?

He isn't playing mind games, he's just hurt and confused by this, too. He's doing the best he can. He wants to forgive you, but you keep offering selfish apologies as you try to talk him back into your arms. THAT is why he gets angry and says more harsh things, you are pushing him to those moments.

He wants to just forgive you, but as long as you're signalling "don't punish me, don't punish me" in the middle of your apologies, he can't accept them. That's pretty smart on his part, too. I'm a little amazed at it.

He does mean it when he says he wants to stay friends with you, but if you can't bring yourself to stop chasing him and start JUST asking for forgiveness and nothing else, you're going to have to just leave him alone.

I know it sucks to just stop. I am four weeks into a break up from a 4 year relationship. Everyday is a struggle not to call her and tell her how much I love her, and want her in my life... But everybody knows that all that does is pushes them away. And you're doing that with him. I don't think you should play the card that it is making you feel bad, that is selfish in a way. I really really think that all you can do is try to move on right now even though it kills you. He will come back to you if he is feeling it. By smothering him with all this you are doing nothing but hurting the situation.

Wait. I don't get this story...

If you were just talking to this other guy in a 'friend' way AND you told him that you were involved then what's the problem?

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Originally Posted by NorthernNiceGuy

I know it sucks to just stop. I am four weeks into a break up from a 4 year relationship. Everyday is a struggle not to call her and tell her how much I love her, and want her in my life... But everybody knows that all that does is pushes them away. And you're doing that with him. I don't think you should play the card that it is making you feel bad, that is selfish in a way. I really really think that all you can do is try to move on right now even though it kills you. He will come back to you if he is feeling it. By smothering him with all this you are doing nothing but hurting the situation.

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It does kill me, we've known each other for 6 and have been serious for about 4. I don't even know how to tell him that I'll leave him alone. I mean I can think of the words but actually saying them, that seems hard. I'm sorry about your break up, I hope everything works out for you. Thanks for every little bit of advice. I know what I need to do, but actually doing it seems quite hard.

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Originally Posted by bEaUtIfUlbRuNeTtE

Wait. I don't get this story...

If you were just talking to this other guy in a 'friend' way AND you told him that you were involved then what's the problem?

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He just didn't like the fact that I was talking to this guy. He's been through hell and back when it comes to relationships. I think he felt betrayed by me, which I understand. I'm not a rude person or anything like that, so when I told that guy that I was involved and didn't want anything, I guess I was nice about it, and he told me if any guy ever tried anything, to tell them off or something like that. Does that make a little more sense?

Okay, I understand. Some of it...

I don't believe there is anything wrong with talking to other people, male or female. As long as there are no intentions, then it's innocent. Your just chatting for crying out loud (or are you?)!! Your boyfriend doesn't want you talking to him in particular or just the opposite sex all together?

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Originally Posted by bEaUtIfUlbRuNeTtE

Okay, I understand. Some of it...

I don't believe there is anything wrong with talking to other people, male or female. As long as there are no intentions, then it's innocent. Your just chatting for crying out loud (or are you?)!!! Your boyfriend doesn't want you talking to him in particular or just the opposit sex all together?

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All I did was talk, nothing more, and it really was very innocent. He doesn't want me talking to the opposite sex. I didn't think talking would be bad either, especially since I let that person know that I was with someone that I really love. I keep getting so confused about this. I feel like I figured out what to do but then I'm not sure, and I just keep going back and forth with it.

He doesn't want you talking to the opposite sex...

Hmmm...

Well if your not kissing, having sex or any kind of cheating material then I guess you're okay.

He has his own issues to deal with and you Don't need anybody telling you you can't talk to the opposite sex (as long as you're talking).