Hello
First of all, although my username sounds boyish, I am actually a 31 year old girl.
About a month ago I ended a year long relationship with the best boyfriend I've ever had. I found him attractive, funny and intellectual.
I have been miserable for a while now, since a friend passed away, and I can be quite moody. I realised that although my boyfriend was great I could not love him, and it wasn't fair on him as he really loved me. So I ended the relationship which was such a hard thing to do. I have never loved anybody, and although I think I was close with him, it just wasn't enough. For example, I would not text/phone him very often as it didn't cross my mind.
I like my own space, so I live on my own. I prefer to have the bed to myself etc... which I realise makes me selfish.
I miss my ex a lot and I have been in contact with him since the break up, I went to his b'day dinner and I email/text him. Although I don't want to go back out with him, I do want him as a friend... but I think every time he sees me it really hurts him.
I just don't want to be in a relationship with anyone and I have accepted that maybe I'll be on my own for the rest of my life. I think there is something wrong with me, but I just don't know what it is? Has anyone got ANY advice about why I am like this? Or similar tales?

Thanks

Jen

Well I don't know if this is really any advise... Your story was kind of an inside look for me as to what my ex might be thinking, she said to me what you thought... Feelings are feelings though and I guess you did do the right thing by ending it. It wasn't air to either of you to stay in it. However one thing I can tell you is that being his friend isn't going to work. I know you still want him in your life and care about him deeply but you can't be friends with someone who is in love with you. In his own mind he might even think he wants to be your friend but I guarantee seeing you and talking to you is making him miserable and is really holding him back from healing or moving on. You guys can only truly be friends when he gets over you and he has accepted the fact that it is over and his feelings of being in love with you are gone.

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Originally Posted by NorthernNiceGuy

well I don't know if this is really any advise... Your story was kinda an inside look for me as to what my ex might be thinking, she said to me what you thought... Feelings are feelings though and I guess you did do the right thing by ending it. It wasn't air to either of you to stay in it. However one thing I can tell you is that being his friend isn't going to work. I know you still want him in your life and care about him deeply but you can't be friends with someone who is in love with you. In his own mind he might even think he wants to be your friend but I guarantee seeing you and talking to you is making him miserable and is really holding him back from healing or moving on. You guys can only truly be friends when he gets over you and he has accepted the fact that it is over and his feelings of being in love with you are gone.

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Thanks for your thoughts NNG. I really don't want to lose him as a friend but knowing how miserable he is has made me really hate myself. I think if I tell him we shouldn't have any contact, that will hurt him even more though as he has told me he really wants that!
Do you think there is something wrong with me though? I just don't know why I couldn't love him. He ticked all the right boxes but it just wasn't enough.

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Originally Posted by badgerboy33

Do you think there is something wrong with me though? I just don't know why I couldn't love him. he ticked all the right boxes but it just wasn't enough.

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I don't think there is anything wrong with you, I just don't think you found that one person yet who has really opened your heart up. I mean my ex told me I was the perfect guy, I treated her like a queen and she even told me that she can't imagine ever finding someone who treated her better or who she felt would make a better husband. I thought she was just saying these things but many of her friends have come to me and told me the same thing. They have even said to her, "if you think this way about him than why don't you want to be with him?" The sad fact is that the feelings are not there, you can't force them. You don't really chose who you like, it just sort of happens unexplainably. Its sort of how someone can be in love with someone who treats them horribly, it doesn't make sense but they do. I wouldn't right yourself off as saying you might be alone forever, it'll happen and you'll know because you will get a feeling you never had before.

As for your ex, I feel bad for the guy because he really doesn't seem to know what's good for him. He is just hurting himself by wanting to be in contact with you. Its really up to you I guess and what you think is best. If you see that over a period he is not doing better and he is still really caught up in you than I think you should go NC for his own good. But if he looks like he can handle it (some people can... not me!) than maybe this is the way to go. Only time and you can tell.

I don't think there is anything wrong with you. I know several young ladies who like to go out on dates, but have no desire to be in a serious relationship. A lot of men are like this and no one thinks anything about it. Some people just don't want the hassle of a relationship, have no desire to share their life with another person outside of friendships.
As long as your are up font with the guys you go out with, I don't see a problem.

Hello dear.

Only you know all the things in your life that have influenced your emotions (good or bad) so only you can answer your own questions for certain.

Do you think you are a cold and unemotional person?
Do you think you are flighty or strong-headed?
Is there anything in your life that makes you feel totally at ease and surrounded with warmth?
Have you met a person in your life with which you can be totally open or are there issues in your life which you refuse to think of yourself, let alone talk to someone else about?

To me, you sound like a nice person who is just not complete yet, and a professional might help you find out what is missing. Just like a puzzle with and important piece missing or disfigured - but can be found or fixed if that's what you want. I could be wrong and you have the perfect picture custom made just the way you like it

As for your ex.. It is possible that he knows you better than you think and can accept this breakup and willing to reduce it to friendship because he understands you as you are right now. He could possess the inner strength and endurance to wait until you figure out WHO you are. As NNG said, some men can handle this better than others and if he is willing to be your friend and continue on with his own pursuits he's a very lucky guy. That is under his control and not your's, so if he cannot endure, then you should let him know and give him the choice to go. But don't feel guilty about your current actions and feelings - they are just the way it is.

I sincerely hope that you find that missing piece to achieve happiness, no matter what it is and if in fact it is actually missing. What is important is that you are comfortable with WHO you are.

Ironic that there are more people that just can't stand to be alone and are willing to cope with anyone just to prevent loneliness. I seem to think that those who can stand to be with themselves, by themselves, will never have that 'desperate loneliness' problem.

Good luck to you dear, I hope I made sense here... and keep us posted.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/36/36_22_19.gif

There is nothing wrong with you at all, but a little more empathy for your ex would be great. I spend a lot of time telling people who get dumped to cut contact, and heal, so understand it was okay to break up, you had a lot of time to adjust to your decision, make sure you give him the time to adjust, and not just get your cake, and eat it to. I'm glad you posted though, so we could see a side we rarely see.

I agree with what was previously said! I think that unless you are happy you shouldn't settle for less, but you also have to take into account his feelings. You broke up with him, which I'm sure hurt him a lot, and now he needs time to get himself straight and move on. I understand what you are saying about losing a friend, I have been through that so many times. But maybe you should keep your contact to a minimum, and just a friendly relationship instead of anything that would cause him pain.

I am kind of unsure if you can stay friends with exs because of the past experiences I've had, but it might be easier for both of you to stay away and let time heal it up. After all the interest in a relationship has died down (and it will for both of you, TRUST ME) then establish a friend only relationship. This is just advice based on past experiences with unresolved feelings from me and from guys, I know it hurts to lose someone you're close too, but sometimes it may be best for them, if only for a few weeks/months.

Hope some of the comments helps you a little. But there's not really any advice that can take pain away, just help to deal with it.

Thanks all for your comments.
I will try and stay away from him, even though I miss him. I know it is the best thing to do for him.
I just wish I could love him! If I could take a magic pill that would make me love him, I would. I really don't know what is wrong with me. I'm very independent and I don't go out a lot. I basically prefer my own company, and I'm always very busy with my job.
Do you think that maybe one day I will feel differently and regret my decision? I'm still worried I'm making a huge mistake.
I just want to feel differently!

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Originally Posted by Chery

Hello dear.

Only you know all the things in your life that have influenced your emotions (good or bad) so only you can answer your own questions for certain.

Do you think you are a cold and unemotional person?
Do you think you are flighty or strong-headed?
Is there anything in your life that makes you feel totally at ease and surrounded with warmth?
Have you met a person in your life with which you can be totally open or are there issues in your life which you refuse to think of yourself, let alone talk to someone else about?

To me, you sound like a nice person who is just not complete yet, and a professional might help you find out what is missing. Just like a puzzle with and important piece missing or disfigured - but can be found or fixed if that's what you want. I could be wrong and you have the perfect picture custom made just the way you like it

As for your ex.. It is possible that he knows you better than you think and can accept this breakup and willing to reduce it to friendship because he understands you as you are right now. He could possess the inner strength and endurance to wait until you figure out WHO you are. As NNG said, some men can handle this better than others and if he is willing to be your friend and continue on with his own pursuits he's a very lucky guy. That is under his control and not your's, so if he cannot endure, then you should let him know and give him the choice to go. But don't feel guilty about your current actions and feelings - they are just the way it is.

I sincerely hope that you find that missing piece to achieve happiness, no matter what it is and if in fact it is actually missing. What is important is that you are comfortable with WHO you are.

Ironic that there are more people that just can't stand to be alone and are willing to cope with anyone just to prevent loneliness. I seem to think that those who can stand to be with themselves, by themselves, will never have that 'desperate loneliness' problem.

Good luck to you dear, I hope I made sense here... and keep us posted.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/36/36_22_19.gif

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Hi
I am quite cold, I know I am, but I'm also emotional. I cry a lot, and I always feel like I'm letting people down (which is how I felt with my ex). I'm not a touchy feely kind of person.
I had minor depression a while back and I wonder if that is the problem? I can barely deal with my own thoughts and issues, let alone let someone else be a part of my life. I really miss him, its making me very sad... but yet I STILL cannot be with him because I'll never be able to give him what he wanted... a normal bf/gf relationship!

Jen,
I feel the same way. Sometimes I think I want a relationship but after the initial "getting to know each other" period, I become distant and don't care to contact anymore. What is wrong with us?(lol) Will we grow old by ourselves because we like our own space or are there any males who feel the same way and would love to deal with women like us. :rolleyes:

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Originally Posted by letsconnect2day

Jen,
I feel the same way. Sometimes I think I want a relationship but after the initial "getting to know each other" period, I become distant and don't care to contact anymore. What is wrong with us?(lol) Will we grow old by ourselves because we like our own space or are there any males who feel the same way and would love to deal with women like us. :rolleyes:

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Yes... I was so close to loving my ex but the feeling just went away one day!

He wasn't clingy at all, but I wanted more space anyway. I can't even imagine being with anybody else now!

Knowing what you actually want in life and claiming it is never wrong, as long as you don't infringe on the rights of others. Sounds like you're doing fine.