I have been with my boyfriend about 5 months now. I am 20, he is 22. We get alone great and all is good. It is my first relationship and therefore I have a few questions. I am an adult, so please respect me and treat this seriously, as having never been in a relationship some things I am unaware if it is normal or not, and the only way I can find out is by asking other more experience people.

My problem is basically that when he is with me he is absolutely lovely, goregous, could not ask for a more thoughtful, kind, caring person. The problem arises when he is socialising with mates, or with mates and me. If we go out, I loose his undivided attention, his eyes are always elsewhere, I do not mean on other girls necessarily (unless he does that very discreetly) but he always seems to be looking at the door, or looking to see if there is anyone he knows he can say hello to. Then once his mates are there, he again cannot stay still, he is always wandering around, eyes everywhere.

Secondly when we first got together we were inseparable, every night we spent together, for the past month or so he has started to see his mates again, he goes out and socialises and drinks most weekends. I do not have a problem with him seeing his mates, but basically they are all on the hunt for girls as they want girlfriends. I have seen them, they do not really speak to my boyfriend when he is out (I do not know if that is because I am with him or not) but I know even if I am not there they are permanently searching for girls.

So basically my questions are:

1.) Is it normal for my boyfriend to be more outgoing, louder, a bit sort of "showy offy" and a bit less caring towards me when he is out, or with his mates?

2.) Is it normal for him to want to be with his mates most weekends, out drinking (and drinking in quite vast quantitites? (basically he has expensive friends, who all have a lot of money behind them, and spending £100-£150 in one night out, is nothing to them. My boyfriend is not loaded like them, but I think he tries to look as if he fits in by drinking a lot. He is also very interested in asking them how much they have taken out with them, (money).)

3.) My MAIN question that worries me, is if his mates are out "girl hunting" what is he doing? He says he does not talk to other girls, but I am also sure he does not stand on his own. It just makes me worry a little, as if his mates are not bothered by him of a night out, then would he not prefer to stay in with me, where someone (me) is interested in him and wants to be with him?

I hope this does not give a negative attitude towards my boyfriend, as I do love him, and when its one on one, I really could not ask for anything more, he is so lovely. It's just the changes I see when he is out, with mates, or drunk, that I wonder is it normal?

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Originally Posted by cashmere7

1.) Is it normal for my boyfriend to be more outgoing, louder, a bit sort of "showy offy" and a bit less caring towards me when he is out, or with his mates?

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Normal, I don't know. I do know that I was told that I was like that when I was out with my friends and my ex-girlfriend hated it. She used to tell me that when I was with my friends I became more of a "jerk" (by being loud, rowdy I guess?) and I didn't "pay as much attention to her". I think she didn't like the fact that I wasn't focused 100% on her.

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Originally Posted by cashmere7

2.) Is it normal for him to want to be with his mates most weekends, out drinking (and drinking in quite vast quantitites? (basically he has expensive friends, who all have a lot of money behind them, and spending £100-£150 in one night out, is nothing to them. My boyfriend is not loaded like them, but I think he tries to look as if he fits in by drinking a lot. He is also very interested in asking them how much they have taken out with them, (money).)

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Its perfectly normal for him to want to see his friends. One of the worst things you can do to a guy is try to keep him from his friends. Don't try to make him choose, you probably won't like the choice. It's a really tough spot to put a guy in.

Many guys will give into the peer pressure of being out with their friends, especially if they are bigger drinkers. It's probably not the greatest quality as it shows a bit of a lack of will power / maturity if he gives into peer pressure, but at the same time he might just like the excuse to let go once in a while and drink a little more than he should.

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Originally Posted by cashmere7

3.) My MAIN question that worries me, is if his mates are out "girl hunting" what is he doing? He says he does not talk to other girls, but I am also sure he does not stand on his own. It just makes me worry a little, as if his mates are not bothered by him of a night out, then would he not prefer to stay in with me, where someone (me) is interested in him and wants to be with him?

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Really, it shouldn't bother you if he talks to other girls. He should be allowed to socialize with whoever he wants. Now, talking to a girl and flirting/trying to pick her up is a different story. But in either case, he told you that he doesn't talk with them. Trust him a little bit.

The last paragraph sounds like you are trying to tell him that if he doesn't do these things with his friends, when why should he go out with them at all... Maybe he just enjoys going out and partying with his buddies once in a while. There is nothing wrong with him enjoying both you and his friends. Making him choose one or the other is a guaranteed way to cause problems.

cant give you a greenie bigbird, site won't let me - but I agree! :]

To be brutally honest with you - I'm against going out with my friends AND my girlfriend(no matter how much I love her).. Sure, once a month maybe twice.. but you make it sound like it's always you two and his friends "just happen to be there"... Where are your friends?
It sounds to me that you're very dependent on him and this is not a good thing.. You should both have your own individual lives with your own friends.. If he wants to be out with his friends - let him , and go out with yours.
I know from my relationships and from what I see with my friends, is that they're always under pressure when their girlfriends are out with us- which is normal.
Yes, as guys- we usually just sit around and talk about girls.. most of my friends have girlfriends, but we'll still spot a hot girl at the bar or in the club and we'll start talking.. It's childish and immature but men will be men - and you shouldn't analyze it, and take it badly.
Now to answer your questions:
1) - I'm the same person when I'm with my girlfriend or with friends - but I act differently. - why? Because your buddies and your girlfriend are two completely different things.. You are intimate with your girlfriend and you share everything - with the guys, you go out - drink excessively(when you're my age atleast) and talk about random nonsense that is usually unimportant. We're loud - we make jokes - and we have childish fun.
2) like birdy said - its normal for him to want to hang out with his mates, and you should want that too.. I have a friend who ditched all of us for the girl he was with.. he'd only go out with her and her friends, he snubbed us for 2 years.. when she dumped him - he had NO ONE.. No friends, and definitely not her.. It took him a while to get back into our group - but he learned his lesson the hard way.. You should have your OWN life.
I don't think you should worry too much about the drinking.. I would never drink around my ex, as I'm a social drinker.. but when I'm out partying - I drink a lot.. I don't do it to fit in.. It just like to drink when I'm out.. it relaxes me and I have fun.. (unless I drink too much obviously)

3) Well- I'm single now.. and I have other single friends.. and I have other "commited friends".. When I'm manwhoring myself to as many girls as I can now that I am leading the single life.. I am joined by my other single friends.. my committed friends generally just watch from a distance and make fun of us, or try and ruin it for us :]
It doesn't mean because his friends are doing it that he will as well.. and the worst thing you can do is start nagging a guy about what he does with his friends out (unless it deserves nagging).

Your relationship sounds perfectly normal too me - but you just need to stop worring so much, and focus on your own life with your own friends.

You two have really helped to put my mind at rest. I basically depend on him, as my mates have all moved away (far away) to uni or uni abroad. I am the only one left in my group of friends, who stayed at uni close to home.

Maybe I should back away, allow him to go out, get drunk, etc. Rather thank kicking off. I have treated him quite badly over it, and previously I messed him around at first by not knowing whether I wanted him, with it being my first relationship etc. He has also chased and stuck by me, which proves he must like me.

My worry is that he admits, he "window shops" as in notices pretty girls and thinks, ooh isn't she pretty (Judging by what you say that is normal? ) It's a lad thing. I just worry that sometimes he wants commitment from me Sunday to Wednesday, then Thursday to Saturday he wants no commitment so he can be with his mates. I just worry that he may want to be single of weekends, so he can do what his mates do.

Do you think there is ever an age lads calm down with drinking? And get more mature and serious?

Could I ask how old you are Nickshehe, as you referred to your age in your feedback.

Thanks again for your help, big help it has been. Maybe my boyfriend will get peace and quiet from me this weekend!

I always window shop-it's quite innocent really.. I just value an attractive woman, doesn't mean I would trade my (current)ex for whatever.. actually I probably would now that I'm single :P but that's a different story altogether..

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I just worry that sometimes he wants commitment from me Sunday to Wednesday, then Thursday to Saturday he wants no commitment so he can be with his mates. I just worry that he may want to be single of weekends, so he can do what his mates do.

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If he ever tells you he's planning to go out with his friends, you can just be like "okay cool hun - enjoy yourselves..maybe we can do something tomorrow then".. I'm sure it will probably surprise him - but if anything he'll love that you're understanding he needs his "guy time"..
You're worrying about a hypothetical situation now.. If you notice that he's made it into a pattern where he just constantly ignores you for his friends and you're constantly craving his attention. THEN you should worry.. then you should act differently upon it - but until then, you should talk to each other, and I'm sure you'll both agree that its healthy to have your own lives..

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o you think there is ever an age lads calm down with drinking? And get more mature and serious?

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Depends on the individual.. I consider myself mature and serious when I need to be.. I'm not 17 anymore where I'm out and about getting drunk every chance I get.. but I do like to drink.

and I'm 22 atm, 23 in January :]
and FIND NEW FRIENDS..

Hi dear.

Good idea from nichshehe - find new friends or find something else to keep you busy when he's out.

I listened to my favorite music and danced away, went swimming, sewed a few things and also painted. My BF and later husband was in the military so I had a lot of time on my hands. I also spent time with his commander's wife on projects together while our men were gone.

You mentioned that in the beginning you were inseparable, of course - that's how every new relationship works during the chase.. a lot of time in bed, a lot of conversations - just plain getting to know each other. That is all normal. But neither of you should keep this up forever and stay 'exclusive' - that is not growing.

When you stop nagging, you will find him more relaxed with you and you will wind up having more QUALITY time together. Young people your age should not 'nest' yet or get down to a boring routine - that will make you both eventually bored with each other and we all know what happens then.

Also, never wear 'grubbies' or get lazy when he's with you.. find exciting things to do that you have in common or see if you can discover some new things you might find of interest to share.

As you grow and mature together and still have fun, you will feel more secure in your relationship and his 'wandering eyes' will not bother you. When he takes you places where his mates are - he is showing them that he has pride in showing you off, even if he does act a little different.

So don't worry there. When to worry is when he no longer wants to take you anywhere and still goes out more and more.

It is also possible, once you are more secure and he feels it, and you still have fun together - he might enjoy being just with you one extra night and make excuses to his mates - but only if you stop nagging and make him feel that it's worth more being with you and doing something new together. But as has been said - never expect him to give them up.

As you said, this is your first relationship and it can mature into something good, just don't be in a rush or cling. Remind yourself what attracted you to him - he was probably very outgoing and persistent. Don't expect him to change - he's a people-person not a recluse.

Stay with us, we've been there, done that, and will advise you as best as we can. You'll do just fine.

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He sounds like a normal young guy to me, and you would do well not making a big deal out of him being young, as long as he is attentive to you.
What bothered me more than his behavior, was this-

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I basically depend on him, as my mates have all moved away (far away) to uni or uni abroad. I am the only one left in my group of friends, who stayed at uni close to home.

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Unless you keep your life a lot more balanced, and don't depend on him to make you happy, you will be insecure, and needy, and those are not attractive qualities, so have your own life that you enjoy with your own friends, and activities. Share your happiness with him, and not depend on him to make you happy. That will go a long way in getting along, and keeping things real, in this relationship. Dating and getting to know someone well, is supposed to be fun, and that's what I hope your having.

I'd have to agree with what Nickshehe said on this. I think were pretty much in the same boat.

I am currently 21 and I enjoying going out and drinking with my friends as well. When I was with my ex, of course a pretty woman would catch my eye. Its normal if you ask me. I find it hard to believe that women will tell me that a hot guy doesn't catch theirs... why the double standard? :)

There is no harm in it. He has shown no signs of straying so why do you think he would now?

One last thing. You're worried about him wanting commitment Monday through Thursday and not on the weekend? How about giving him all the space he wants. I know if that ever happened with me and my ex (the lack of which was one of the reasons we broke up actually) I would have been blown away by the gesture and it would have made me want to spend that much more time with her the next day or the day after.

One thing she never seemed to understand (and maybe you too) is that when I want to go out with my buddies and the girlfriend doesn't stop nagging, you feel like the night is wasted and want another night with them and another away from her. Don't do that to yourself!

About question #3, I don't think you have to worry. Him talking to another girl won't erase a 5 month relationship. If it can (I really doubt it could), than the relationship isn't worth much to begin with.

Everybody likes to be flirted with, and complimented, but it won't take away the relationship you have built with him over the past 5 months.

Trust...

Just want to say a big thank you to everyone. Been the best help I could ever have wished for. I shall try it this weekend. We had a discussion before, as he goes funny with me if I say I am going out (which is literally about once every 3 months)

He said tonight, if I can go out he can, if I can drink he can, if I can talk to guys he can talk to girls. I told him a relationship is not a game or competition or challenege. I think he took my message on board.

I shall see how this weekend pans out with us both out Thursday night, and him out Friday and Saturday as well! I may arrange a meal with my sister for one of the nights or something!

Thanks again guys, I am going to take a more positive attitude in my relationship!

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Originally Posted by cashmere7

Just want to say a big thank you to everyone. Been the best help I could ever have wished for. I shall try it this weekend. We had a discussion before, as he goes funny with me if I say I am going out (which is literally about once every 3 months)

He said tonight, if I can go out he can, if I can drink he can, if i can talk to guys he can talk to girls. I told him a relationship is not a game or competition or challenege. I think he took my message on board.

I shall see how this weekend pans out with us both out Thursday night, and him out Friday and Saturday as well! I may arrange a meal with my sister for one of the nights or something!

Thanks again guys, I am going to take a more positive attitude in my relationship!

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I hope that he does not set different rules for you - that would be unfair. Communication is a big part of any relationship.
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Have fun Thursday!

Sometimes I feel there are different rules, but I do not know if he is joking. He does not like me being out. I do not like him being out.

Basically going to do what I said earlier and see how that goes, if I put more trust in him, maybe he will return the favour.