I'm crying at the memory as I type, and this was a long ago break-up. Tell me please, is it normal or at least common for one's first love to linger in one's mind like this? I have had other loves since then, and during those times I certainly think of Mr. Long Ago less frequently, but always come back to the thought of him eventually. How do I eradicate this ghost definitively?

He's never really out of my mind, at least not for very long. Why do I keep returning to the memory like this? Is it him that I miss or just the sensation of being loved, being paid so much attention, and so on? Is it him I mourn, or the way I screwed up the relationship? It was my first serious relationship, and god knows I did many things wrong, hurting him needlessly and other things it pains me to even think about.

Once again, is it normal, or at least commonplace, to have a lost love from deep in the past lurk in your heart for a long time? Popular culture (movies, TV, books etc.) throw up so many examples of that scenario that I suspect it might be, and I find that notion tremendously heartening.

Sorry if this is incoherent. I'm not at my best. Thank you in advance to anyone who takes the time to respond.

I feel for you, and know what you mean. I think our first will always creep back into our thoughts from time to time and its normal. Mine has been showing up still after, wow, a lot more than 30 years. Few things remind me of her any more, but those first few years were kind of tuff. It gets better with time, don't worry.

Even though right now I'm not in the best position to give advice when it comes to relationships, I feel for you. It is very rare for people to end up with their first loves but a first love is never forgotten. Every now and then I think about mine, but over time people change. You are building this person up in your head which is doing you no good.

I have been in your situation. I had an awful time getting my first love out of my head, especially since we were together for 8 years and he's the father of my child. I couldn't eat, sleep, or even go anywhere without thinking about him . Memories of him were everywhere. The only thing that helped me was to think about the underlining issues that led to the ending relationship, which was horrible. I prayed really hard for a really long time to the God of my understanding, asking for him to be removed from my heart and mind. Eventually, all of this worked for me. Of course, I am still forced to deal with him from time to time due to our child, but I no longer get depressed or hurt over it. Time is a big factor also. In time your feelings and memories will fade little by little.

My situation is a little different as I had a traumatic time in that we got pregnant and as he wouldn't commit to us being a family, I had our child adopted at birth. Well she has recently found me and we have a close bond. She is meeting him soon and she spoke to him on the phone and told me a bit about his life and how he wishes me well and all of a sudden I am reminded of why I loved him... over 30 years ago! He is married now and I have not found a lasting relationship. I wish him well but I can't help comparing our lives now and wonder what if? But you are blaiming yourself and beating yourself up about it. Remember your relationship didn't last because fundamentally it was not meant to be... keep yourself open to meeting someone else - don't make the mistake I did by closing your heart for 30 years.