Ask Me Help Desk - I CAN NOT orgasm without using a vibrator.

OK...

I CAN NOT orgasm without using a vibrator...

I became sexually active when I was 15 and never had an orgasm until I met my ex boyfriend when I was 19. He was really disturbed that he couldn't get me to the point of orgasm, so he bought a vibrator. It worked WONDERS:D ! I still couldn't orgasm without it, so he was fine with me using it during sex.
My ex and I brook up about 6 months ago, and my new boyfriend is mortified by the idea of me using a vibrator:eek: . He got very upset with me when I tried to explain to him that I never could orgasm without it, and now he is upset that he can't make me orgasm... :(
I REALLY don't know what to do. He has tried everything from oral, to fingering, to fingering during sex. Oral has never done ANYTHING for me (I'm too shy) fingering is great specially during sex and I get close but can't ever do it! I can tell that he is getting discouraged about the whole situation, actually I am starting to get discouraged too.

Please if anyone can help me please do so... :(

So What ?

Do you imagine how many woman's can't get an orgasm at all ? Be happy that you found your solution.

And if your boyfriend loves you he has to accept this. Just don't make him feel that you PREFERE the vibrator more then him. Orgasm is only a part of great sex, enjoy with him all the rest and use your vibrator.

Tell him how you love to have sex with him regardless of this, this will help. Perhaps you try some other toys which you can use both during sex.

Don't make it complicated, enjoy it.

G.

Quote:

Originally Posted by magicofmakingup

So What ?

Do you imagine how many woman's can't get an orgasm at all ? Be happy that you found your solution.

And if your boyfriend loves you he has to accept this. Just don't make him feel that you PREFERE the vibrator more then him. Orgasm is only a part of great sex, enjoy with him all the rest and use your vibrator.

Tell him how you love to have sex with him regardless of this, this will help. Perhaps you try some other toys which you can use both during sex.

Don't make it complicated, enjoy it.

G.

(Sorry I'm not sure how to reply to y'all answers)

I want to be able to be satisfied without forcing anything on him. He is very "old fashion" and wants NOTHING to do with toys... :eek: I'm fine without using toys, and without using the vibrator but he gets upset and feels like he isn't good enough...

You may want to rethink this relationship. I'm sure the better you get to know him the more you will find out that he is insecure, a wee bit controlling and self centered.

He needs to get over himself.

Men (especiallly "old-fashioned" ones) sometimes think that they are the be-all-end-all of sex.

Guess what? They're NOT.

If you can not orgasm from him, and ONLY from a vibrator--well, that's his tough luck. Have fun, enjoy everything else, and then get yourself off at the end with a vibrator. What's the big deal?

The big deal, for him, is that his ego got smacked. Too f'ing bad. Seriously--my philosophy on this is good for you for HAVING an orgasm, and if he truly cared about YOU, he wouldn't care HOW you got it (as long as it doesn't involve cheating, of course).

You're ahead of many women. So many don't have a CLUE how to give themselves an orgasm--if he can't live with the fact that you're enjoying him and just need this little OOMPH to put you over the edge--well, tough.

I am assuming, by the way, that you're using the kind of vibrator meant for your clitorus, and not the kind that is a full-blown dildo. Men tend to be threatened by the latter because obviously--they can't make themselves vibrate like that.

You need to talk to him, make sure he understands that it is NOT a replacement, just a tool.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Synnen

He needs to get over himself.

Men (especiallly "old-fashioned" ones) sometimes think that they are the be-all-end-all of sex.

Guess what? they're NOT.

If you can not orgasm from him, and ONLY from a vibrator--well, that's his tough luck. Have fun, enjoy everything else, and then get yourself off at the end with a vibrator. What's the big deal?

The big deal, for him, is that his ego got smacked. Too f'ing bad. Seriously--my philosophy on this is good for you for HAVING an orgasm, and if he truly cared about YOU, he wouldn't care HOW you got it (as long as it doesn't involve cheating, of course).

You're ahead of many women. So many don't have a CLUE how to give themselves an orgasm--if he can't live with the fact that you're enjoying him and just need this little OOMPH to put you over the edge--well, tough.

I am assuming, btw, that you're using the kind of vibrator meant for your clitorus, and not the kind that is a full-blown dildo. Men tend to be threatened by the latter because obviously--they can't make themselves vibrate like that.

You need to talk to him, make sure he understands that it is NOT a replacement, just a tool.

Yeah my vibrator is just meant for the clitoris, it is tiny, maybe 1/2 inch in size. He basically considers it cheating on him that I would even THINK of using it. He has gotten me to the point were I feel wrong about using it on my own now (where as I used to use it in the shower without him knowing)... At random times he will ask me where it is, and before I can answer he will give the answer he "wants" to hear. "in the trash!"
He was a bit of a smart the other day and told me "well at least you don't fake it, you told me the truth... I'm just not good enough!" Its true about the ego I believe, but everyone just tells me to up and leave him but I LOVE THIS MAN. I think I can deal with not having an orgasm oppose to calling it quits.

Honey--you need to get this man into couples counseling if you want to save this relationship.

You may think NOW that you're okay with giving up orgasms for "love"--but if HE loved YOU, he'd want you pleased. So--either he's a selfish controlling jerk that's going to demand you give up something ELSE for him "for love" as soon as he "wins" on this issue--or he doesn't love you to begin with.

Essentially it comes down to this: He is belittling your sexuality. It stems from the fact that HE doesn't feel good enough--though you reassure him that you enjoy your sexual time together, and it just takes that little OOMPH to send you over the edge--not from the fact that YOU aren't good enough to just be "trained" to orgasm for him. You aren't a dog, for god's sake--you don't have to obey his commands. So--the problem is this: 90% of a woman's erogenous zone is between her ears. The fact that he's accusing you of cheating with a vibrator is, essentially, making the job of making you orgasm WITHOUT the vibrator 10 times harder. You're worried that it's not going to happen, you're both trying too hard, you'll never relax enough to just let go, because he's so focused on the goal of getting you off that he's missing the journey of connected, fun. Loving and giving foreplay. Foreplay isn't to push you over the edge (though it's fun when it happens). Foreplay is supposed to be just that--play.

I'd make him THIS deal: He is to follow your commands to try to make you orgasm during foreplay. That includes putting you romantically in the mood, cleaning the house ahead of time and getting the laundry done, so that your mind isn't focused on the OTHER things you have to get done. Dinner cooked for you, and dishes done while you take a nice long hot sensuous bath. A body massage to relax you, and to sensitize your skin. Lots of kisses and touches that have more to do with love than to do with sex. Lots of endearments, lots of compliments--a nice slow build up of turning you on. Then, after 2 hours (or however much time--the amount of time isn't the issue) of playing, teasing turning you on, making it ALL about you--if he still hasn't made you orgasm, well, then he can just put away his penis WITHOUT AN ORGASM HIMSELF and wait until next time to try again to make YOU orgasm. Essentially, he doesn't get his if you don't get yours, and since he thinks it is about HIM making you orgasm, well--let him just keep trying until he gets it right, but he is NOT allowed to masturbate or get himself off in ANY way until you orgasm. You're allowed to touch and tease him as well--but he isn't allowed to climax until you do. Period.

Bet he changes his mind RIGHT fast about that little bitty buzzing thing. Yeah, I'm kind of a witch like that.

PS--if he's that concerned about a little buzzing button MEANT to help couples enhance their sex lives (especially since most women ONLY have clitoral orgasms), I sincerely hope that he never EVER looks at porn, never masturbates himself, and has absolutely ZERO problems with the idea of you gaining weight you'll never lose if you have children.

PPS--just get the guy to counseling. I know you love him, but honestly--what is HE sacrificing by making you give up something YOU enjoy? He's being unreasonable and controlling, but the two of you will not work it out without resentment unless you have some sort of trained mediator, preferably one used to dealing with sexual issues.

I'd just like to say that Synnen is awesome.
There. It's done.

And I did, in fact, mean to agree... how do I change that?

Quote:

Originally Posted by KalFour

And I did, in fact, mean to agree... how do I change that?

You can't change it, but doing what you did, stating it was a mistake, is always nice to hear.

If I were your boyfriend, I would break up with you and here is why.

I think you are a masturbation addict and cannot function sexually without a vibrator. For some reason, you have settled for the basest level of sexual release; perhaps because you don't know that there is a whole wide world of orgiastic bliss out there if you want to work on your mental and emotional sexual life!! :) Sexual pleasure for a woman is not just about mechanically triggering an orgasm; there is a richness that you are completely missing.

I think you should go to a therapist for sexual addiction so you can get help improving your sexuality. You are young; get help asap.

Good Luck to you!

Sexual addiction! Your of your trolley choux, just when are you going to stop this attack on every person that comes on here asking for help?

One of the first things a sex therapist will ask is if you can orgasm via a vibrator, and they take that as being a god thing~!! Stupid person to the op ignore choux she's always doing this to everyone that asks for help

Quote:

Originally Posted by Synnen

Honey--you need to get this man into couples counseling if you want to save this relationship.

You may think NOW that you're okay with giving up orgasms for "love"--but if HE loved YOU, he'd want you pleased. So--either he's a selfish controlling jerk that's going to demand you give up something ELSE for him "for love" as soon as he "wins" on this issue--or he doesn't love you to begin with.

Essentially it comes down to this: He is belittling your sexuality. It stems from the fact that HE doesn't feel good enough--though you reassure him that you enjoy your sexual time together, and it just takes that little OOMPH to send you over the edge--not from the fact that YOU aren't good enough to just be "trained" to orgasm for him. You aren't a dog, for god's sake--you don't have to obey his commands. So--the problem is this: 90% of a woman's erogenous zone is between her ears. The fact that he's accusing you of cheating with a vibrator is, essentially, making the job of making you orgasm WITHOUT the vibrator 10 times harder. You're worried that it's not going to happen, you're both trying too hard, you'll never relax enough to just let go, because he's so focused on the goal of getting you off that he's missing the journey of connected, fun. loving and giving foreplay. Foreplay isn't to push you over the edge (though it's fun when it happens). Foreplay is supposed to be just that--play.

I'd make him THIS deal: He is to follow your commands to try to make you orgasm during foreplay. That includes putting you romantically in the mood, cleaning the house ahead of time and getting the laundry done, so that your mind isn't focused on the OTHER things you have to get done. Dinner cooked for you, and dishes done while you take a nice long hot sensuous bath. A body massage to relax you, and to sensitize your skin. Lots of kisses and touches that have more to do with love than to do with sex. Lots of endearments, lots of compliments--a nice slow build up of turning you on. Then, after 2 hours (or however much time--the amount of time isn't the issue) of playing, teasing turning you on, making it ALL about you--if he still hasn't made you orgasm, well, then he can just put away his penis WITHOUT AN ORGASM HIMSELF and wait until next time to try again to make YOU orgasm. Essentially, he doesn't get his if you don't get yours, and since he thinks it is about HIM making you orgasm, well--let him just keep trying until he gets it right, but he is NOT allowed to masturbate or get himself off in ANY way until you orgasm. You're allowed to touch and tease him as well--but he isn't allowed to climax until you do. Period.

Bet he changes his mind RIGHT fast about that little bitty buzzing thing. Yeah, I'm kind of a witch like that.

PS--if he's that concerned about a little buzzing button MEANT to help couples enhance their sex lives (especially since most women ONLY have clitoral orgasms), I sincerely hope that he never EVER looks at porn, never masturbates himself, and has absolutely ZERO problems with the idea of you gaining weight you'll never lose if you have children.

PPS--just get the guy to counseling. I know you love him, but honestly--what is HE sacrificing by making you give up something YOU enjoy? He's being unreasonable and controlling, but the two of you will not work it out without resentment unless you have some sort of trained mediator, preferably one used to dealing with sexual issues.

I'd just like to say WOW...
I understand the fact that I can't relax. It is almost impossible to with how he is so set in his ways. The only problem with telling him that he can't climax until I do is that may push him to never do it again :eek: But I will try it...
As far as I know he doesn't masturbate (unless I'm giving him a blow job) and he gets extremely embarrassed about sex, so he has never watched a porno:rolleyes: . He told me how before he and his ex wife divorced he had gotten to the point that he couldn't even get it up for her, and when he did it either wouldn't stay for long or he never could get off. (she was cheating on him and he knew about it but stayed for the kids :( until he could take it anymore)
I love him and I know that he has A LOT of problems, he was raised knowing that ALL women cheat(as he mother then ex-wife did)
Thank you for your time by the way. You have been great.

I want to add my 2 cents for you to remember.
1. You can't save everyone.
2. You shouldn't have to pay for his mom's or ex wife's mistakes. Flat out Refuse to.
3. Don't let his hangs up rule how you behave, be true to yourself you can never go wrong doing that.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Choux

If I were your boyfriend, I would break up with you and here is why.

I think you are a masturbation addict and cannot function sexually without a vibrator. For some reason, you have settled for the basest level of sexual release; perhaps because you don't know that there is a whole wide world of orgiastic bliss out there if you want to work on your mental and emotional sexual life!!! :) Sexual pleasure for a woman is not just about mechanically triggering an orgasm; there is a richness that you are completely missing.

I think you should go to a therapist for sexual addiction so you can get help improving your sexuality. You are young; get help asap.

Good Luck to you!

First off... I'm NOT a masturbation addict! I went 4 years without an orgasm and truefully have NO problem going without one. I just want him to be happy.
THANKS!

Choux--you're nuts again.

Knowing how to get yourself off, even if it requires something OTHER than your own finger, is a GOOD thing. You don't need a sex therapist for god's sake if you KNOW how to orgasm. You just need a man that's willing to work with you and expand on that knowledge--not one that's sexually repressed with a whole ton of sexual issues.

In my opinion, the MAN in this case is the one with the problem, not the OP.

Seriously, Choux--do you EVER answer something other than giving up on the relationship and starting with someone else just because it's not working, rather than advising communication and working together to FIX the problem? MOST relationship problems are the result of lack of communication, not lack of "good fit" or "mental health" or something requiring a therapist.

SlowMotion--your guy needs help. You are probably going to need some sort of mediator--whether that's a couples' counselor, a priest, a doctor, whatever--to get it through his head that HE is the problem here.

Until he gets over HIS sexual problems--the whole "all women cheat" thing, the lack of masturbation because sex is "dirty" (WHAT? You've GOT to be kidding!), the embarrassment during sex--THOSE are serious problems.

The fact that he's jealous of a toy is a MUCH bigger issue than needing a toy to get off, imo. Hell, some nights *I* need a toy to get off too! Heck, my husband *suggests* it!

So--it comes down to needing to communicate, without accusation, and without pointing fingers, which means that he is going to have to get counseling for his lack of understanding of female sexuality and for his belief that sex and women are evil/bad/embarrassing/dirty/whatever.

If you love him enough to stick through it, great.

But--does HE love YOU enough to get that help in the first place? And if he doesn't, is it really worth staying with him?

The first time a lover fingered herself while I was making love to her was a bit odd... I didn't quite know how to take it. Was it compension for something I was doing poorly? Was it she was so driven to reach orgasm that she lost all inhibitions? Was it failure on my part or success? Desperation on her part or control and desire?

If there is one thing I have learned over the years, it is that there is no one size fits all.

Any person who tells you its all in your head is clueless and ignorant, confined by their own circumstances, insecurities, and regrets of years past.

Yes... a woman's biggest errogenous zone can be her mind. And yes, I think the better you use it to be the prime controller of your sexuality, the better... I've known partners from top to bottom. Known their likes, dislikes, what makes then shake from pleasure and what makes them smack me upside the head from irritation. The mind is most important, but not all there is to good sex, as some women need very different stim than others.

A mans body responds mostly from some version of "push, pull, repeat"... not too complicated, though id like a little ear and neck action if I get a choice. Hands on the waist and chest are bonus points. "trap" your arms behind mine and I'm in the zone.

A woman's body can be sooo different from one woman to the next, and even day to day with the same woman. Its not a defect. Its just the reality.

I dated a girl I could not get off orally. Never. Never. Never. Never.

Now, I state this cause I'm pretty proud of my mouth. I think I can do a lot more with a wet, lush tongue than I can with an erect penis. Its just my opinion. But that said, I dated a girl who just couldn't respond well to oral.

Was her mind getting in the way? Probably.

Is using a vibe a "crutch" to get through what you can't seem to achieve "naturally"? Sure.

But you know what?. I like to run my hands across a woman's chest during sex. I like to wrap my hands around her neck from time to time. I like to feel her nails across my unit and I like to have her teeth and tongue at my ear.

All of these things amp up my excitement.

So you self stim.

Its OK.

If he's not OK with it, talk to him about the anatomy. Take positions that give you more control.

And honestly, if my partner uses her vibe during sex, it gives me extra pleasure by accidental contact anyway. Bonus.

And don't mind choux.

Half the time shed tell you to leave the man. The other half the time shed tell you to drag him to therapy.

Toss a coin.

She's quick to label people as damaged goods... it goes on and on and on... and it is sooooooooo flippin ironic.

But "be happy" and "good luck in 2008" makes it all OK? Whatever. Just walk away from the noise.

Also... PM me about a suggestion.

Heck, KP---after your earlier post, *I* want suggestions.

You, me, Mexico--it's happening someday, baby.

Now go to my room.