Ask Me Help Desk - Estranged daughter

Hi everyone... I am new to this site but thank goodnes it's here!

I would appreciate someone's feedback on what is a difficult situation at present. I have come back to the UK from Australia 3 yrs ago on a decision to be closer to my parents. I also joined a partner here but that has since broken up. Since being back here my relationship with my parents has been hard - I have been torn whether to settle near them but have stayed at a distance as they tend to use me. My Dad is disabled and my Mum is going senile - they're both in their mid- sixties. Over the last 2 months I have been calling them and when speaking with my Dad we have just argued and last week it was so bad I swore at him and he has said he is going to change his will and blames me for his accident that cost him his disability. I had nothing to do with his accident. He won't speak to me now and my Mum never rings me.. I feel my purpose in being here is gone and I am lost as to what to do. I have sent them a letter saying how sorry I am that we are not getting on but now wonder whether I should go and see them in person, although it is always me that has to say I am sorry and take the blame. I feel trapped and that I made the biggest mistake of my life coming back here to the UK when I got on much better with them and my like was easier. I really wonder what I need to do for the best.

If your mother is going senile and your father is disabled, they are not "using" you; they are relying on you. There is a difference. I would say at this point that you should move closer to them, accept that you are going to have to visit them for an hour a day, so some chores for them and try to rise above the pettiness that has crept into your relationship. Dealing with older parents is difficult, but my friends who have made this effort are all happy they chose to do it.

What I don't see is when you go over and visit them, when you go over and help clean the house, when you help drive your dad to the store, or help you mom do things.
I would say that you need to decide what you are giving back to your parents

Hi charlie! You're new to the site as I can see...

Ok, don't let go and strangle yourself. You have some role to play on Earth and your parents surely need you more than you may think, but are perhaps not willing to show it to you because of the dispute you had with your father. But do not give up. Try, persist and persevere, I'm sure that you'll be together again. Just try to please them in anyway you can and you'll see, they must forgive you. Or try to get on to matters that you altogether agree like past memories and stuff, you know.

Ok, I wish you good luck with your relations and don't forget, never desperate.

Hey, I'm 18, and my parents are in their 50's and 60's. I can tell you it's extremely tough. You may not really care or think differently, but I do believe I'm more or less in a similar position to you. My parents are reaching a state of senility and it's beginning to effect me big time. I have a lot of rage as an 18 yr old... naturally. It is scarily difficult for me to have patience, but I think you should stick it out with your parents. You're lucky you have the option to live away from them, or close enough so you can fend for them, but I realised it's tough being old. You lose control, and you become a burden for others. At best it would be good for you to take care of them in moderation. I tell you, it's a horror living with them, so maybe if you help them as much as possible and speak to them less.. things would be easier? I realised if I give them too much attention, they begin to squander in it, and after all we're the only ones they have.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

What I don't see is when you go over and visit them, when you go over and help clean the house, when you help drive your dad to the store, or help you mom do things.
I would say that you need to decide what you are giving back to your parents

Hi everyone,

Thanks for your feedback to my earlier question. I thought I'd answer since a lot has happened since then. Basically, I did decide to move nearer to my parents, in fact they encouraged me to come and stay with them instead of living in other accommodation. I contributed to the rent, the bills and quite happily helped clean, cook, drove Mum and Dad to where ever they needed to go... and it seemed to work for them. I had also got a teaching job in the first week there so I could pay them money and be able to find my own place asap.

However, when Dad had my Uncle over to watch the horseracing on TV on Saturdays, my Mum and I went shopping and took the dogs out for a walk... all of which felt positive as my Dad was immersed in the TV and my Uncle anyway. My Mum said she felt better for going out too. I felt I was not just giving back but finding a way to be useful and build a relationship with them again.

One Sat just after Christmas, though, my Dad became very annoyed that we were going out in the afternoon. He became highly critical of me and telling me I was just playing 'houses' by cooking and tidying up. I asked what was wrong and he said he wanted me out that weekend... he intimidated me in front of my Uncle and also said he owned the house and could throw my Mum out too. He then said I was the 'prat' who made him disabled and that I was going to 'p*ss off!. I was so upset and humiliated that my Uncle heard this - I left and my Mum came out too but said he was a bully and jealous. Why wouldn't he be happy for us to be a normal family and enjoy the time together?

The next day my dad came up to me in the bedroom and said he thought I would have shipped out by then... I said I couldn't find a place on a Sunday morning with my dog too... I askedif I could just stay for a few days to find a place and he said he wanted me out. What happened next is that I walked past him and swore and he lunged forward and hit me on my back with his stick. I staggered forward and grabbed the stick... after a tousle I fell forward and knocked his nose which started bleeding. He went to the hospital and they siad he should complain about me. To cut a long story short, because I was then made homeless that day he said he would look after the dog. When I came to drop off the dog , the police arrested me. He ddn't press charges although when I was interviewed it was clear that he had omitted his part in the incident. He said I had walked up to him and punched him. I told the police my version repeatedly and they said I was innocent. I had spent 6 hours in a cell - the police said it was a ridiculous waste of their time.

I have tried to have contact with my Mum and she wants to see me still... my relationship with my father is now over in my eyes. To the gentleman who wrote the above response as to what I gave back... well, I travelled 10,000 miles to come back to this country and give back, I then travelled 300 miles to be closer to my parents, I never missed a birthday or a Christmas in that time, and I visited them 3 - 7 times a year. My elder sister has not been to see them in 4 years. I can not describe the loss of someone I had put on a pedestal... whatever I have done to deserve being in a police cell and being thrashed by my father's stick... I don't know. I try and see my Mum but she can't remember my arranged visits so it is hard... I don't want to give up on her.

I have my own place, I call her if he lets me speak to her and I let her know I am there for her.

What more can I do and if you can suggest what more I can give back, then please do so.