My current husband and I have been married for 2 1/2 years. I know that all relationships have their ups and downs but mine seems like mostly downs. I have two children 8 years old and 22 months. My 8 yr old is from a previous marriage and my ex husband does not have any contact with her. He promised my current husband he would leave us all alone. My current husband has been in our lives for 4 years. And my 8 yr old calls him dad. But he has been treating her differently- putting her down calling her names. He doesn't listen to me when I ask him to get help! I hate seeing her hurt. We have been arguing a lot and I am the only that is going to counseling and on medication (major depression and anxiety). It is out of the question for him. He is calling me names and being too demanding and I have to ask him permission to do things. I love him very much but he doesn't seem to love me. I am only 25 and I fear that this will end in another divorce. Please help me if u can.

Hi, I'd like to see if I can help with something, but I need to know if a Christian perspective would offend you.

Hi and welcome to AMHD. You have provided just a little bit of information. If your marriage is in need of repair and he will not help, what choice do you have? Continue your counseling and encourage him to go. When you get to the end of it and if he refuses to continue his journey with you, then go without him. It will be time for a trial separation, living apart for several months, at least, to assess what your needs (and his needs) are.

Hi. How recently did he start acting this way ? It seems that there is something that happened or is happening that may be causing him to behave this way. I feel that right now your main obligation is to protect your daughter from emotional damage. Continue with your counseling to help you cope with this.

Ask permission to do things?? Oooh, not sure this is a healthy relationship. I would never ask permission to do anythig. I tell my husband something I would like to do and would like his approval but never get permission. Same for him, he would tell me to get lost. You may need to separate for awhile before things get worse, continue the counseling to help you through. You may find you are better off. I am not one for separation. I have very strong beliefs to stick it out for better or worse... a very very strong moral, however when it comes to control and demanding, verbal abuse (name calling) etc I would never expect someone to take that and work it out if the perpetrator is not willing to cousel for it. That means he thinks he is doing nothing wrong. I would be worried and it will only get worse. You are 25 with a long life ahead, look out for your kids and do not make quick decisions or choices in future relationships.

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Originally Posted by kksmom1982

My current husband and I have been married for 2 1/2 years. I know that all relationships have their ups and downs but mine seems like mostly downs. I have two children 8 years old and 22 months. My 8 yr old is from a previous marriage and my ex husband does not have any contact with her. He promised my current husband he would leave us all alone. My current husband has been in our lives for 4 years. And my 8 yr old calls him dad. But he has been treating her differently- putting her down calling her names. He doesnt listen to me when I ask him to get help! I hate seeing her hurt. We have been arguing alot and I am the only that is going to counseling and on medication (major depression and anxiety). It is out of the question for him. He is calling me names and being too demanding and I have to ask him permission to do things. I love him very much but he doesnt seem to love me. I am only 25 and I fear that this will end in another divorce. Please help me if u can.

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rnfowl how long have u been married?

Do you read? I have some suggestions of some short reading material that takes a completely different approach to handling problems like the one you're having. It is so common for modern women to approach these situations confrontationally, and truth be told it is seldom an effective tactic.

Men do change, but never because of the things you would think. And it happens very slowly. During that time, you have to bear some harshness and continue on your secret work in the background paving the way for him to get better. It's impossible to explain fully in a forum format.

Let me know if you're willing to invest in a couple of small books and do some reading. It is very inspirational, includes 100s of examples like your own and proven methods of actually FIXING the problem instead of just fighting about the symptoms, his attitude.

I have been married 8 years and have been with my husband 4 years prior to marriage - total of 12 years. I was in one other relationship prior to my husband that was demanding and somewhat controlling but then again we were teenagers - it was fun while it lasted but not right for me.

I have done a lot of reading and seeking the advice from my counselor. And the hard truth is staring me right in the face. He thinks there is nothing wrong with the way he is and on some very rare days he is broke and can't be fixed. I am just tired of looking for the potential I know that deep down he has in him if he only wanted to try.

There is a book called Love and Respect that I would recommend. Its by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs and talks about differences between men and women and the way we perceive things differently.

My marriage is my second. We now have a wonderful relationship and communicate with each other, but it took work. As a Christian, I had a very hard time letting my husband make decisions in our marriage because I learned a long time ago not to trust. I was disrespectful to my husband and treated him as if he was stupid. Big mistake. When men are rejected as the head of the house that God created them to be, they react very unlovingly. When women are treated unlovingly, they react disrespectfully.

I had to be the more mature one and bite my tongue and not say everything I thought. I had to be the one to ask for forgiveness. From a Christian perspective, women are called to be the cheerleader for our husbands and then God deals with the husband. This was very hard for me, because I was not wanting to wait for God to take care of it.


My suggestion, take it or leave it, is to work on you. Do all that you can to be the best wife that you can. If, after you've done everything you can, you find things the same, then at least you can know that you tried your best. I found that when I gave my husband the respect he needs, then he treats me with the love I need.

Your marriage, your choice.

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Originally Posted by kksmom1982

...the hard truth is staring me right in the face. he thinks there is nothing wrong with the way he is and on some very rare days he is broke and can't be fixed. i am just tired of looking for the potential....

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I believe you have your answer at hand. I wouldn't suggest talking to your husband about it, but talk to a lawyer about alimony.

It is hard to cheer for him when he does put me down a lot. I feel I am being the best I can. But it works both ways he should be the best he can towards me. You have to give respect to earn respect.

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Originally Posted by kksmom1982

it is hard to cheer for him when he does put me down alot. i feel i am being the best i can. but it works both ways he should be the best he can towards me. you have to give respect to earn respect.

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I worked for two years at treating my husband with the respect he needs. I married till death do us part. My first marriage was a disaster, and I hold a lot of responsibility for that. I'm not giving up so easily this time. I learned that I have a choice, I can either stay committed to one person, or move around and feel good for awhile and then miserable. I choose to stay... for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, till death do us part.

I know its hard, but hang in there, nobody gets a 50year anniversary without some bumps and hard work.

I still have those book titles handy, let me know if you're interested.

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I feel trapped right now he is the income provider and I am on workers comp and not receiving my pay and when he doesn't get his way he takes the money away from me and tells me I better be good.

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Either stand up to this bully, or get away from him, and I strongly recommend the latter. Set yourself an appointment with a social worker, and take advantages of the help they give abused females, to get out of those marriages. Not only is it demeaning, but can be dangerous, and you shouldn't be staying, so get your kids, and get out, and he can go do whatever as long as its not with you. They also provide for legal services, and can help with relocating.

He is verbally abusive and what you are modeling for your daughter is that it is okay to be treated this way. So she will gravitate to men later in life who do the same. My advice would be to start coming up with an exit strategy and if he will not go to counseling you will be forced to make the decision to leave. But you need to consider your daughter before anything else.

Did you ever talked about breaking up ?

I think when it comes to violence, it's difficult to go on. And verbal violence is only the begin of physical.
The highest value you must keep in a marriage is RESPECT, and if this is not there anymore then it's difficult to fix a marriage.

It also seams that you are almost begging him for permissions, a big NO. You are a person, a grown woman with qualities and you need a certain room for privacy, where you ain't need any permission like when you where 16 and your dad needed to give his OK for a late date.

VALUE yourself more and don't make it looks like the world turns around him, as well that you will not die if this relationship will not work out. A relationship needs maintenance and both have to take care about it or it will not work out.

Hope you will get things straight.

G.