Ask Me Help Desk - Did he want a relationship? Or did I force him into it?

So I've been seeing someone new for a couple of weeks. We were really into each other. Unfortunately, college ended and I had to go back home.

Before leaving, I asked him if it was OK if I saw other people over the summer, and he said that as long as we're honest with each other, I could do as I wish. He said that when it comes to feelings, people do what they will do... at least in his experience. I told him I agreed, but that wasn't good enough for me. I didn't want him to see other people. If he has different plans or thinks that he will in the future, he should tell me so we don't waste each other's time. He said he was fine with that option, too, and hadn't been sure how I felt and didn't want to push me into anything.

I guess what got me angry was that he told me that "nothing is forced" and that it would take effort from both sides. He would be "honest if anything happens." I know his last long-term relationship ended rather badly. She cheated on him and he found out not from her, but online.

He said that if I want commitment, I have it and that he's given his word, and if I still don't trust him then, there was no point in starting the conversation.

My question is... did I force him into a relationship he didn't want? I admit I was holding myself back from him, not wanting to get too close while we saw each other. Deep down, I'm afraid of getting hurt again, but willing to risk it.

Am I overthinking things again? ::sigh::

No need to sigh.
You already have a good memory together.
But, do you feel happy about what he said to you?
Were I you, I would feel secure and content if he tells me like this,"I love you. Although there is a distance in our relationship after school ends, I would keep in touch with you by any means. Nothing would stop our attachment, and distance is a small test for us. I will not see other girls, for the reason that I love you."
He doesn't have to say this, but I believe people in true love will do anything to prove that. Now you depart, but as long as the emotional bond exists, you will someday be together again. Happiness at that time is more valuable and cherishable.
His words are cool, but cool in the wrong direction.

Idk, you guys both know what you want in life, especially if you met in college, so why don't you talk about the big picture? It doesn't have to be about you and him[as a couple] but just youreselves, but it would be nice to know where you stand in the next couple months,years,etc..

You guys both had rocky times so maybe about talking about what you want personally and internally to be accomplished then maybe adding another person into that lifestyle wouldn't hurt after that.

Distance is always going to be a hard thing, but its just a matter of trusting him, and always taking that risk-i personally think you found a decent guy who doesn't want to get hurt just as much as you do...

Hope I helped.

Quote:

Originally Posted by jiltedgirl

I asked him if it was ok if I saw other ppl over the summer

...

I didn't want him to see other people.

Sounds like a double standard to me.

It is a good rule of thumb to "only ask questions that you can live with all the possible answers." You're asking him if you could see other people when you clearly didn't want him to answer "yes" was a bad plan.

Better, state your desires. Even better, don't push things faster than reality can handle.

So, you'd only been dating a couple of weeks and now must part for the summer? Well, that's reality. Being "into each other" doesn't change reality. And reality is you may NEVER see each other again. You just plan currently to both return in the Fall. That could change, too, yes?

So, either vacation together to keep your growing relationship growing, or face reality and let your friendship stay friendly and you each have a fun, un-attached, un-stressful summer.

Worse, you both make a semi-honest commitment to "be faithful" for the summer, and have a horrible summer feeling shackled by someone you like, but truly JUST started dating. You want that kind of resentment?

So, of course you can try this long-distance thing, but it seems doubtful you two have the history to pull it off without a lot of drama. You've only had 1 conversation with him about it and look at all the drama already!

You guys can do better. Best to stay friends for now, pickup the dating again in the fall IF that's what you both still want to do at that time. No harm, no foul.

I actually told him that I would prefer to stay friends in that case. That's when he told me that he was committed to this and that he was giving my word.

We dated for around 4 weeks? But, it was really really intense. Lol.
We will both be returning in the fall. I donno. He asked me before I brought up the question if I was planning on staying home the entire summer and when I told him yes, he said, "so that's how we're gonna leave it? just like that?"

I didn't get it, but now I realize that he most likely DIDN'T know that I had feelings for him. Anyway, thank for all the advice... I guess we'll just see how this goes.

Quote:

So I've been seeing someone new for a couple of weeks. We were really into each other. Unfortunately, college ended and I had to go back home.

Relax and have fun this summer, and stop worrying about what others do for their vacation, and worry about yours. After a month, just because school is over, and things were intense, doesn't mean either of you should be putting hooks into each other. One day at a time, and now forget everything but what your doing. The fall will take care of itself. Don't let your emotions play tricks on your mind.