Ask Me Help Desk - Just started dating a girl - found out she's been raped by mom's boyfriend

Here is the situation. I started dating this 18 year old female 3 weeks ago. We have been sexually active for all 3 of those weeks. I have herd nothing but bad things about this guy that her mom is dating. He's verbally abusive and treats the mom, my girlfriend, and her 14 year old sister like crap. He is also a heavy time drug user and drunk. The mom has been wanting him removed from the house however she is scared of what he is capable of doing. He threatens to spread rumors about the family if she kicks him out. She's scared that he will do damage to her house, or even worse physically hurt them. My girlfriend opened up last night and told me that he "forced" her into a "relationship" and "raped" her on and off for 2 years that ended about 5-12 months ago (she won't be specific). She told her mom and her mom wanted to throw him out, but again she is scared. She is scared to inform the police because of the things that this guy can do. After she told me this, I rushed to her house. On the way there I ran into a cop and told him the situation. He followed me there where me and this guy almost got into a fight. We made a big scene on her street and I continued to call him a rapist. It ended up where she stayed the night with me. My girlfriends dad lives in a different state then us and I had her tell him what's going on. Nobody in her family knows what's going on. I guess I don't know what to do. I didn't expect this and it has made me sick knowing that this guy had sex with my girlfriend. I feel as if this just happened, and that she cheated on me. I feel as if she has feelings for this guy. And she doesn't seem to be expressing that much anger towards him. The guy is still at her house. The police officer told her to file a report at the police station. The guy also wanted my girlfriend to tell me that she was lying because she just wanted him out of the house. He doesn't want to go to jail. I would like information on what you guys think I should do. Is this a lost cause? The mom lets him stay there out of fear. Should I just let this be or stick with her? I really like this girl but this whole situation has made me sick. Not to mention how worried I am on what kind of diseases he transferred to her that transferred to me. The 14 year old sister has a large amount of anger with him also, and I suspect that he has raped her too. My girlfriend said that she really wants a healthy relationship with me and that I am the best thing that happened to her. I helped exposed the truth. I'm on medication for anxiety and depression and all of this is really effecting me. I can't sleep or eat. Please, all input is appreciated.

I think that if you really like her then you should stay with her. That doesn't mean that this will be easy. And you have to know that going into it. But she (from what I gathered) needs someone who she can trust and count on. You happen to be this person. Even if you don't continue dating her you need to be there for her as a friend. I think that this is a crazy situation that needs to be handled. He needs to go to jail and I think you should do whatever you can to protect your girlfriend and her family and make sure that he gets sent to jail. Think about it this way: Would you want him to be able to do this to anyone else? Your girlfriend is trying to recover and start over with someone who is better for her (aka you). And you need to respect that and understand the fear that they might be feeling to put him in jail but really think about what are the good and bad consequences of sending him to jail and not sending him to jail. If the good outweigh the bad then I think it should be pretty black and white about what to do. Once again... this is all purely my opinion. I hope that helped! Good Luck!!

Have her file a police report... Remember, this is HER problem... She must approve of everything. Speak to her before any actions you plan on making. I hope everything ends fine. Go to the doctors and get yourselves checked ASAP!

First you say you are on medication and if you have taking it for more than 3 months you have most likely seen a psyhcoligist and a councelor, so you know the difficulties you have gone through. Taking this into consideration you at some point talked to someone related to your stress and depression. It was hard wasn't it? So now think of how she feels. It takes tremindous strength to tell anyone you are being abused, but to tell someone, especially her mother, and then have the person who is supposed to protect you then do nothing about it! Whether it is out of fear that she has done nothing or is just to broken herself to do anything about it, has made your girlfriend feel helpless, alone, afraid, with nowhere to turn. Why she has never turned him in before I don't know but sooner or later she will either do just that or continue to live with it. She has told someone who did nothing to help her or to protect her. Now she has told you. You may feel helpless to help her but you having feeling of jealousy is WRONG! She gives herself FREELY to you! Trusts you too or she would not have confided in you. You are the last person who should judge her for things she has no control over. I was abused and this right now really brings out the bulldog in me wanting to come where ever you are and beat the out of this . But I cant. You can do something though! Call child protective services and tell them the situation, you may remain anonomous. They have 24 hours to respond to the complaint. Provide as much information as possible like; names, ages, schools the girls attend, place of employment, and anything else you can think of. You don't want to wait. Even if the possibility that your girlfriend is lying this is not something to sweep under the rug for someone else to discover. You never know what that man can do! Take action before its too late.

I would offer any help she asks for at a distance. You don't know this girl after 3 weeks and you don't know if this story is even true. You didn't really explain what her father said about this. There's no question the laws in this country are completely ridicules when it comes to fathers rights but she is 18 now and if I would presume her father would ask her to move in with him at this time since she's legally capable of it. I guess that's what I'd do if I was him in this situation.

As Emo stated this is her problem and if she wants help you should certainly be there, but if this is true you can't force it. You can guide her in her search for help but if you start forcing things on her then it will be too much for her to take on at once and it might push her farther down then she is right now.

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didn't expect this and it has made me sick knowing that this guy had sex with my girlfriend. I feel as if this just happened, and that she cheated on me. I feel as if she has feelings for this guy. And she doesn't seem to be expressing that much anger toward him.

Rape is not sex, its assault. I think you need to back up, and get professional advice as your actions may be unwanted, and really not your business, as you aren't the one to deal with the fallout of all this. PROFESSIONAL advice is what you need, not opinion.

First I would assume you are having safe sex with a girl you just started dating a few weeks ago. No one would have unprotected sex with someone new. So with protection that should be safe.

And this is a bad example of a mother who does not care for her family, and if the rape is true, most likely the 14 year old is also being raped.
The mother must be told if she does not, and family and children service should be notified so they can investigate about the younger sister.

She is 18, so she needs to move out there are women shelters everywhere.

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Originally Posted by mx3r

Here is the situation. I started dating this 18 year old female 3 weeks ago. We have been sexually active for all 3 of those weeks. I have herd nothing but bad things about this guy that her mom is dating. He's verbally abusive and treats the mom, my girlfriend, and her 14 year old sister like crap. He is also a heavy time drug user and drunk. The mom has been wanting him removed from the house however she is scared of what he is capable of doing. He threatens to spread rumors about the family if she kicks him out. She's scared that he will do damage to her house, or even worse physically hurt them. My girlfriend opened up last night and told me that he "forced" her into a "relationship" and "raped" her on and off for 2 years that ended about 5-12 months ago (she won't be specific). She told her mom and her mom wanted to throw him out, but again she is scared. She is scared to inform the police because of the things that this guy can do. After she told me this, I rushed to her house. On the way there I ran into a cop and told him the situation. He followed me there where me and this guy almost got into a fight. We made a big scene on her street and I continued to call him a rapist. It ended up where she stayed the night with me. My girlfriends dad lives in a different state then us and I had her tell him what's going on. Nobody in her family knows what's going on. I guess I don't know what to do. I didn't expect this and it has made me sick knowing that this guy had sex with my girlfriend. I feel as if this just happened, and that she cheated on me. I feel as if she has feelings for this guy. And she doesn't seem to be expressing that much anger towards him. The guy is still at her house. The police officer told her to file a report at the police station. The guy also wanted my girlfriend to tell me that she was lying because she just wanted him out of the house. He doesn't want to goto jail. I would like information on what you guys think I should do. Is this a lost cause? The mom lets him stay there out of fear. Should I just let this be or stick with her? I really like this girl but this whole situation has made me sick. Not to mention how worried I am on what kind of diseases he transfered to her that transfered to me. The 14 year old sister has a large amount of anger with him also, and I suspect that he has raped her too. My girlfriend said that she really wants a healthy relationship with me and that I am the best thing that happened to her. I helped exposed the truth. I'm on medication for anxiety and depression and all of this is really effecting me. I can't sleep or eat. Please, all input is appreciated.

I know that there are a lot of people who will disagree but, she needs to sort this out for herself. She needs you because you did this for her but, she needs to find her own strength. What you did by not just letting this go unchecked is good but, her family needs professional help. If you have only been together for 3 weeks and have been active for all three, this is an immature relationship (once again, just an opinion) and she doesn't know how to handle her emotions. A lot of victims of rape feel as if sex is absolutely a necessity. Help her get help from a professional and legal help too.

I think you did too much already. Whether to report to the police or not is her decision, not yours. She told you all these things, probably because she wanted someone to talk to, and someone to emotionally support her. She probably wanted someone to help her think this through, think of the different options that she has, but instead you go and make her decision for her.

Reporting to the police may not be the best option, in fact the justice system often make the victim feel like they are being victimize again.

I know you're trying to help her, but the best thing you could do right now is find resources for her (ie. Rape crisis centre, crisis line) and become better inform about what she can do.