Ask Me Help Desk - My daughter is hurting me

Hi, my daughter is 15. She is 95% on the greatest side of teen girls.
She is becoming aggressive and violence with me, over the past 6 months, she punched me in the arm, has pushed me and last night, she grabbed me by the arm and dug her fingernails in my arm, I have 3 marks to prove it.
Last week, I was on the computer and got up to do something, turned around and she was getting on her email, I told her to get off, I was in the middle of working on something for work, she just ignored me, I told her again, and I tugged on her hair, I did not grab a handfull of hair, a hair brush would have pulled much harder, She turned around and pushed me, and then we started yelling and she started pushing and hitting, I told her I was calling the police, she said "go ahead, but you have to take me to work", I sent her to her room and called the police. I did not want to, but I said I was going to and she didn't think I would do it.
The sheriff came and obviously didn't scare her bad enough to make a huge impact. I was raised in the 60's and parents hit their kids quit frequently. My dad was extremely explosive, he hit me a lot, the teachers at school finally questioned the situation.
So, I decided when my boys were young, this violence stops with me. We do not hit!
I am the proud mother of two wonderful and successful men, who never, ever would have put a finger on me. But, I am not succeeding with my daughter. If she bumps into me in the kitchen, she will turn around and say I pushed her.
Last night I was on the phone calling in for american idol, but since her little incident last week, she can only watch TV, when we (her parents) are watching something, but as I was trying to dial the phone, she decided I didn't know how to use the phone and she wanted to do it, so as I was dialing, she tried to grab the phone from me, in the process of her grabbing the phone, she was poked by my fingernail, she turned around and grabbed me by the arm and dug her fingernails into my arm as she grabbed me.
I was so angry, I looked at her and said "you get away from me right now, get out of my sight, I can't believe you think it is ok for you to grab me by the arm and hurt me, get in your room and get out of my sight"
She acted shocked and said "you scratched me first", she said to her dad," she just freaks out about nothing! I was furious. Should I call the police this morning and file a complaint? I don't want anything to get out of hand. I don't want her to start down this road, I am scared for her. She is showing violent behavior, and she is responding to things, by hitting and pushing and now scratching. She is reacting, without thinking, this is not good. Open for all opinions.
Thanks,
Just wanted to clarify, apparently I didn't communicate what I was looking for when I got some of the remarks back from some folks.

Don't "tug" on her hair - wrong move there, sorry. Only use your voice in the future to "get her off the computer". Right now she's rather touchy and just a teenager. You seem to be escalating things by wanting to involve the police at the drop of a hat. Doing that just may backfire on you in the future if they are called. They could side with her and not you depending on the circumstances and injuries. What does your husband do or say about her behavior? It just can't be you doing all the disciplining here, sorry. He's got to have a say in this as well and also a role as a parent. You can't just do everything.

Do you love her? Can you try telling her one thing you appreciate about her each day? If you show her the love and attention she desperately needs, her attitude may change. Another thing that works is controlling your anger before talking/ disciplining. Kids react to what they receive. If they are getting anger and frustration toward them, they will fling right back.

Wow, that is unexceptable behavior from someone her age but it's kind of hard to gauge the situation without a little more info... i.e. When did this behavior start? How/Is her father involved in this situation? What/Did anything change with you after you'd finished raising the well behaved sons and they were no longer in the home?

Do you have a video camera? Perhaps you could stow it somewhere hidden and then show her how insane she is acting. And if it gets really bad, you could take the video to the police.

Michele based on the responses you've given to these people trying to help you, I'd guess you're a real peach to live with. If you can lash out so quickly and pointlessly in the middle of a MATURE discussion, I see now how you must be when talking to someone who is immature.

You're not going to listen to advice that may work, because it will involve you working harder, and I bet that's not what you're looking for.

Sometimes in life we think that we are beyond the experiences of the past, but I think in your situation it is clear that you are not. Abuse in the past, whether suppressed or not is part of your make up. I will tell you from what you wrote, I'm almost certain that she has adopted some of the behavior from your past. What would ever prompt you to call the police on your own child?

I don't think my entire answer was posted. Communication is key here and it's clear that you don't have it with her. Start there, sit her down and start from scratch you owe it to her at this point to teach her the right way to behave. Tugging on her hair is probably not the first offense, it's wrong and she simple was reacting to your action. But my advice was to lead by example, take an anger management course WITH HER. Next time you bump into her in the kitchen apologize and move on, Good luck

michelemediapro;
As you are learning there are PLENTY of people on this website who believe their opinion is the ONLY correct thing to do and they LIVE to tell you how wrong you are in every aspect in your life and how it's all your fault. And they think all children are innocent (I guess even the ones that kill other children).

Just ignore them.

Don't let her run your life, it's YOURS!!

I believe you do have every right to call the police when there is some sort of physical activity between you and your daughter. You should probably get some counseling and maybe try being a friend to your daughter... instead of making her feel bossed around. If things don't get better and the physical activity keeps happening... keep calling the cops... she should get scared when they say they're taking her to juvenile hall. Hope things get better for you! :) :) :)

I forgot to add:
Disagree-ing (it's a word right, the kind the President would use?) is safer if you create another post instead of rating.

Hi...
I just have a few questions to ask...
What kind of disipline do you use for talking back or getting physical with you?
Can you look back about 6 months ago when this start to happen, and see anything that may have changed, school, friends, boyfriend maybe?
How is she around other people, or does she just disrespect you and your husband?

You are welcome, michelemediapro...
Me and my mom had problems in my teens... when we became more of friends, the communication got better and my privileges expanded.
I hope the best for you!

I know you think you calling the police was difficult but you need to maybe if you start putting her on some more discipline like community service or maybe send her to boot camp. I have three children and yes I have two teenage daughters who act them same. Show her who is boss of the household don't be afraid of her.

I don't mean to offend but, I think it is a waste of time to call the police. I think this because this is a parental issue not a law issue, scratching your arm isn't against the law. If it were, then pulling her hair would be too. Seriously, you don't want the cops involved I can just see her turning this whole thing around and making you out to be an abuser. (we know that isn't the case) So, I really think there needs to be some positive changes there in the house and if you and your husband can agree to make them TOGETHER, it definitely could work...

If you would like some tips, I know I would be happy to give them to you. Others would too!;) I wish you lots of luck, these are very hard times to go through!

Quote:

Yes, I love her, I think that is a stupid question, otherwise, I wouldn't be looking for help

The reason I asked, is because teenagers do not always know that their parents love them. I have 4 kids, 25, 21, 16 and 12. 3 boys and 1 girl. I deal with attitude and lack of respect. Yes children are commanded to honor their mother and father, but I have found that if I just lay down the law without giving love and respect, then I just get more attitude. If I don't actively show my children that I value them in my life, why would they respect me? It goes both ways. You have to give it to get it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by savedsinner7

The reason I asked, is because teenagers do not always know that their parents love them. I have 4 kids, 25, 21, 16 and 12. 3 boys and 1 girl. I deal with attitude and lack of respect. Yes children are commanded to honor their mother and father, but I have found that if I just lay down the law without giving love and respect, then I jsut get more attitude. If I don't actively show my children that I value them in my life, why would they respect me? It goes both ways. You have to give it to get it.

Saved, you are hot today! Great advice! Just wonderful!!

I've read every post here, I've also read the question twice. I personally believe that calling the police is an extreme, its something you do when all else fails. You have tried pulling hair, letting her watch TV only with you, yelling, and showing hurt, calling the police and having them show up as a scare tactic.

These things are only going to extinguish her fears of punishment & respect for authority and help press her toward her addictive compulsions.
I'm absolutely sure that her school has counsellors that have been trained for these types of situations. This type of counselling is free, and it brings the problem to exposure, and abusive people HATE EXPOSURE.
Don't threaten her with this. You show up there during school hours, this way she gets surprised and the school is more unlikely to turn you away.
This comes with the inevitable everyday school system authority she can not attack. It should make her to feel vulnerable and confront and deal with the consequences of her actions out of the cover of your household roof.
Any 15 year old girl would feel embarrassed and ashamed, and those are the normal emotions.
I know that it would also be embarrassing for you to take this to her school and deal with it there.
Teachers are understanding and want to help. They understand your mistakes in dealing with it ( fire vs fire) And you will be respected as a parent seeking help within a system that is already familiar with your daughter. Anyway it's embarrassing to have the band-aid cops show up at your door too.
Mediation and hard work is the only way to help your girl & have these problems fixed.

And remember... This is about her getting help.
If her resolve is to hit you when she gets upset, what happens one day when she has a baby?
I also read that she turned to your husband in search of agreement against your authority. If she is so out of line then why on earth is she even considering looking to him for support? I'm just saying, you may need to chat with him as well.

I think it is completely out of line for a teenager to be hitting shoving or scratching their parent, and what is the father doing about all of this. He should have sat her down the first time she scratched you. Is he supportive of you?
You and your husband needs to talk to a professional and have your daughter talk to one. Maybe something has happened to her she is not sharing with you or maybe she is experimenting with drugs, but there is no reason she should be allowed to get away with attacking you.
Make an appointment with a counselor for the family. Your husband needs some talking to as well. You two should be united on this issue.
As far as the police, if you have a child who is attacking you and you are fearful I don't see the problem with it.
Teenagers can be smart mouths and they can be rebellious, but there is no way I would tolerate a child of mine hitting or scrathcing me. That is not normal teenage behavior and is just unacceptable.