Hi, please advice, my daughter is 15. She is 95% on the great side of the teen girls.
She is becoming violent with me, over the past 6 months, she punched me in the arm,
Has pushed me and last night, she grabbed me by the arm and dug her fingernails in my arm, I have 3 marks to prove it.
Last week, she was on the computer and I told her to get off, she just ignored me, I told her again, and I tugged on her hair, I did not grab a handfull of hair, I seriously gently tugged on a little piece of her hair, I wanted to get her off the computer.
She turned around when I tugged on her hair, and pushed me, and then we started yelling and pushing and hitting, I told her I was calling the police, she said go ahead, but you have to take me to work. I sent her to her room and called the police.
They came and obviously didn't scare her bad enough for her to stop. Let me first say, it is very important to me to not hurt my children, my father was extremely abusive with me, and if I rolled my eyes, my mother would have slapped me right across the face, I never would have considered hitting her back.
So, I decided when my boys were young, this violence stops with me. We do not hit!
I did a good job with them and never had this problem, they are 29 & 30.
But, I am not succeeding with my daughter. If she bumps into me in the kitchen, she will turn around and say I pushed her.
Last night I was on the phone calling in for american idol, I know this sounds stupid, but since her little incident last week, she can only watch TV, when we (her parents) are watching something, but as I was trying to dial the phone, she decided I didn't know how and she wanted to do it, so as I was calling, she tried to grab the phone from me, in the process of her grabbing the phone, which she did not get, she was scratched by my fingernail, remember she was trying to take the phone from me and she turned around and grabbed me by the arm and dug her fingernails into my arm as she grabbed me, I was so angry, I looked at her and said "you get away from me right now, get out of my sight, I can't believe you think it is ok for you to grab me by the arm and hurt me, get in your room and get out of my sight"
She acted all shocked and said "you scratched me first", she said to her dad," she just freaks out about nothing! I was furious. I need some serious help. Should I call the police this morning a file a complaint? I don't want anything to get worse. I don't want her to start down this road, I am scared for her. She is showing violent behavior, and she is responding to things, by hitting and pushing and now scratching. She is reacting, without thinking, this is not good. Open for all opinions.
Thanks,
I don't know where to go.

Allright this is serous I am really mad at my mom sometimes but I would NEVER hit her. You need to take everything out of her room but her bed and clothes and leave her there. Get your husband to bring her meals, and not tasty ones.
Then after a day or two come to her and explain what she has been doing and that it is not acceptable, and that it is horrible. You HAVE to give her a guilt trip as well say "i eccepted more from you" and stuff. And tell her if she doesn't shape up, you'll send her to a military school, for a few mounths or even a year if she doesn't stop. You have to be scary, you have to tell her that you are boss.
She has it in her head right now that you will not hhit back so she can hit, you have to tell her you can fight back.

Thank you for viewing and responding, I want to beat the hell out of her, I feel like that is the only way to really make the point, however then I am just as bad as her and how do you teach someone not to hit, when you hit?
Besides, now that the police have already been here, I am afraid of the trouble she is about to get in.
I know that if I called them and showed them what she did, they probably would go and pick her up from school and I just don't know if that will solve the problem or just make everything worse? She in all areas, except for me, a really great girl, and you are right she knows I won't hit her back and if I do, you can bet she will be the one to make the next call to the police?
So, are you suggesting we create our own little jail cell, in her room?

Yes, for a while cause I think the police won't help her as much as you can. You need to show her that if she hurts you YOU'LL fight back, and without hitting. I hope this helps

Police, yelling, hitting, screaming, wow, you sure have a handful there. Who's the boss? It's time to set down some rules. If she doesn't want to behave then she doesn't get any privelges, not TV (even if you guys are watching) no phone, no computer, whatever she holds dear will be taken away. Maybe it's time for her to do a little community service, garbage pickup, soup kitchen, whatever. Time to lay down the law, no one else can, you are the mother, she is the child, time to let her know that.

Good luck.

Actually, this isn't so easy. Violent responses are that... RESPONSES.

You say you want to beat the crap out of her. Well, dear... she knows that. If there's one thing people pay attention to, it's body language. Your entire demeanor with her is giving your feelings away. She's using that to justify her own defensive lashing out.

This is tough. She needs to see you permanently calm down and become unaffected by her outbursts emotionally. She gets her sense of security from you, so if she doesn't feel safe around you, she does what she can to protect herself and make it your fault. Ugh.

Ok so far?

So, you have to become an actor. Of course you're going to punish her violent outbursts, but you do so gently, calmly, almost "surprised" by them in your response to her.

How do you respond to someone who hurts you and claimed you asked for it? You apologize and go in for the big, sincere hug. "Oh my, forget about me, I had no idea you were hurt so badly. Are you OK? Let's get something put on that if it hurts. No? You're OK? Oh, I am so glad. Give us a hug!"

Done correctly, it should shock the crap out of her. She's used to you blowing up and pushing her away. You can freak her out with sincere mothering concern.

You're changing the environment. This is what you CAN do. The police can't do that. They mostly can only make this worse since what she really wants is you in a tizzy over her. It's her way of winning by having you emotionally wrecked by her actions. You need to take that person away from her, and give her back nothing but an irritatingly nice and doting mother.

It will be much harder for her continue with any violent outbursts to someone who's being so consistently nice to her in the face of it.

Lastly, when you're trying to get her to "submit" to some action and she's ignoring you, brute force isn't your only tool.

• Power outages make computers stop working, too, don't they?
• Go in, sit down and face her directly and start talking about your day. It's hard to ignore someone who's speaking directly to you at your level, eye to eye.
• Ask her about her day.
• Ask her for some advice (you don't really need it, but it will change her opinion of you if she thinks you respect her enough to ask advice)
• "I need someone to eat ice cream with me...you interested?"

The result is she starts to hear you saying more than "do this - do that - obey me" when you talk. She hears you talking TO her about things that interest her, too.

I hope you can see the long-term benefits of changing the nature of your interaction instead of focusing on the symptoms.

Where is the dad in here?

Agreed with the above, your daughter sounds like umm.. a "handful", you need to punish her emotionally... that means: no TV, computer, phone, video games, and not letting her hang out with friends. You need to let her know who's in charge and that's you. She's being very manipulative and abusive and you're the one who gave life to her... she should appreciate that enough to not hurt you.

From a 15 year olds pointaview, I would sit down and have a proper talk with her but don't act like the boss, listen to her. Their may be something bothering her at school. If that doesn't work I'd ring the police if I were you, not while she's in school though because I know I would be worse if I had to go through the embarrassment of being taken out of school by the police. Apart from all that how is your relationship with her?

Wow! You definitely have your hands full... your daughter should not be hitting you period. If she had any respect for you whatsoever she would not even raise a hand to her mother. I agree with the others take everything from her but her bed, clothes, and give her some food. That's what a parent is supposed to do, all the other stuff that kids get is just out of love not because a parent has to give it to them. A kid never thinks about these things, they just think that they are supposed to get what they want when they want. Time to put your foot down and show her who's boss and make sure she knows it's NOT her!

It sounds bad, but I went through this stage with my Mum, I let all my anger out on her when I went through my 'bad patch'.
Although I only scratched her she got me arrested, being in the police station over night was a big realiseation for me, although she nearly ruined my career and I hated her after she got me arrested, I got over it, and I now thank her for calling the police as it was the shock realisation that I needed in order to change.

Maybe calling the police next time it happens may have the same affect on your daughter, she may not like it at first but if I can forgive my Mum I think anyone can.

Good luck.

I was like that when I was younger. I grow out of it. (Thank god.) Hopefully your daughter will grow out of it too. But you need to seriously get some help maybe send her to a boarding school. That's what my parents did. (for other reasons like drugs.) It's help me mature and get settled in the right path. She might hate you for it but in the end she will know you did the right thing. Trust me she will go to far and regret everything she has done to you. I have done so much horrible things to my mother and I would do ANYTHING to go back in time and change it, Some how it made me and my mother closer then ever before. I love her so much. You just have to put your foot down. Coming from a teenager I have gone through all that. Hopefully I gave you some helpful advice

Punish her. Take the computer away. If she has a mobile get her dad to take it of her... etc. Your daughter may have some anger issues as my younger brother has been violent in our home, he would hit my mum ( dad doesn't live with us) and mum would be afraid of him.. Im the only one he isn't violent towards as he knows he can't walk over me. I will take his charger/phone/tv cable/ps3 and lock it away. Recently he was really aggressive and threw a chest of drawers down our staircase along with his TV. I rang a social worker and asked her the best thing to do.. she put me in contact with a phychiatrist (cant spell it haha) but now my younger brother has found other ways to vent his anger.. he is not completely an angel but a lot better.. I suggest that you and your daughter go to some counselling and they will make you talk to each other about what is wrong.. be truthful and tell her that she's breaking your heart with the violence and that it needs to stop or she can't live with you anymore or something along those lines however make sure you listen to what she has to say also as it may be a small problem that can be easily solved.. good luck !

Personaly I would neaver hit my mom. I enjoy eating solid food too much. But I think the reason she is being abusive with you is because she doesn't respect you. I think girls are more rebellouse than guys usually and as hard as it might be for you, you need to take a very firm hand with her. Also you should remember that your not your parents and if you "spank" her its because you love her and want her to learn, not just because you want a punching bag.


I sincearly wish you the best of luck.

I think this is serious mainly because I have been in that situation before. I grabbed my mother inappropriately and the next thing I know the police showed up at our house. Fortunately he scared me enough to stop my ways. Since I understand both views from your side and your daughter I will try to shed some light on why this might be happening. If she is spoiled... like I was... this could be why she is acting out. Also my mother was abused by her father and she tries to be careful when punishing me because she doesnt't want to reflect her father. She has done an excellent job at it and I'm 16 yrs old. Sometimes though I have the tendencies of my mothers father. SOrt of like it skipped a genertaion. I get angry and irrational. I have my anger under control, but I had to got to a phycologist and get help. YOur daughter might need to do the same. Also a teen boot camp where they are harsh, can show her resposibility and get her under conrol. Once she leaves her confort zone she will realize that what she had is gone and after the harsh treatment at camp she would be a fool to make the same mistake.

I'm sorry to you all but your advice is bad. I wish I was better at putting words to print I'm better with talking. Theirs not much you can do when it comes to kids. But all the things being told here is abuse when you get to Courts. Try to explain those things in the Court of law. Unfortunately the Courts are not here to protect us there here to make money. What a great way to do it. They give the kids all the power. The only right you have as parents is the rite to pay the bills... And when it comes to emancipation a 17 year old can emancipate them self from the parents only if they can prove to the courts that they can support them self. The parents can't emancipate the child.