Help! I've been dating my boyfriend for a little over 1.5 years. We are now moving in together. He is happy having sex once a week, 10 minutes tops, in the middle of the night. I NEED sex everyday, at bedtime, in the middle of the night, in the morning... afternoon, anytime! I am 41, he is 40.
He watches porn, probably 5 or more times a week, satisfying himself. In the beginning of our relationship (6-9 months) he was cheating on me with a woman online (cam-sex), which caused a major break up and months of repair... I still don't trust him 100%. He says that it was just something he "never cut off". He works in a cool downtown bar, surrounded by gorgeous women... from time to time, he takes phone numbers (says it's his ego, just a "game"... or that I "pissed him off"... ). He recently gained about 30 lbs... says he doesn't feel good about himself... too tired from working nights. I do not think he's cheating, I know where he is all the time. I 've also gained abit of weight, 20 lbs or so, but I am tall, so I am just juicier, not repulsive (he says that is an issue too)... He says he doesn't feel good about himself, that that is the problem.
I am frustrated all the time and have been making comments. I know it's wrong, but I am jumping out of my skin. I am attractive - so I get a lot of male attention, which makes it more frustrating.
My boyfriend has recently made the "commitment" of moving in together and says he loves me and in every other way making the change and being verbally available, emotionally available, great with my 12 yr. old daughter...
I don't want to hurt his feelings, but I don't know what to do. If I initiate sex, he pushs me away and says "Later", but later never happens.
I need advice from a man. What do I say? What do I do?

You are really sexually incompatible for many reasons, and he's a jerk about the things he has control over.

If you choose to be with him, you accept him as is. Sure, all couples need to give and take some... make concessions... but when the rift is this wide I don't see what you can do or say to make him the man that he clearly isn't.

We get a lot of "hes a great guy but..." posts here, describing a man who is a great roommate, provider, friend, but an inconsiderate or uninterested lover. You can't make him change, especially when he's showing no real desire for things to be better. You are pestering him right now, from his viewpoint. Not a pretty pic for you.

What can he do? Well... healthy living helps. Good sleep, low stress, exercise, mentally focusing on you and not his hand, dropping the porn, etc...

And I hate to say it, but id expect it to only get worse. Moving in and living with someone can produce a lot of stress, even in relationships that are much more balanced.

I wish I had better news for you, but unless he's ready to make some major changes in his life... unless he is willing to work hard to be a better lover... I don't see how this can last at all.

I understand its hard when a person meshes well in other areas... sex isn't all there is to a relationship, but sexual incompatibility in this case is just going to leave you feeling awful day after day as you are constantly searching for any sign of tenderness, intimacy, sensuality...

He needs to change his life in a lot of ways. Most are under his control. If he isn't willing to be a better lover, then you have to make a choice.

You are looking to sex too much and need to see if that is really a need or a want. I personnally have had the same thing with my husband. Over 15 years things have gone from good to bad back to good. But first and foremost we did not talk openly about sex making us not truelly understand each others needs. Sit down and don't push let him know your feelings WITHOUT hurting his manhood :) Men often regress their sexual desires when they know there are not pleasing their partner. Also it matters not where they get their appitite as long as he comes home to eat. This is going to take time men deny a lot of mental whatnots but they still have issues but are ill aquiped to understand them as women since we talk about everything. Masturbation!! It's great please yourself and take the pressure off him to plaese you. In time he will connect with himself again. Even though you are not being satisfied make the most out of your intimate moments and yes boost his ego, the more he thinks he is able to please you the more he will try. Worst thing you can do is tell a man he doesn't satisfy you. Oh and does he masterbate while watching porn? Watch him and masterbate too let him see. Masturbation saved my sexlife, it took my husband from shy and not really knowing how to please me to a great sex life. I was always wanting sex all the time and pressured him and he knew he did not please me, thus my reason for wanting sex all the time. Sex is with your partner once a week that rocks your world beats sex everyday that leaves you unsatisfied.

Well, I'm not a man, but I think like a man. :)

I just want to point out that many men who like to have sex with youngsters date women with children... and now you may have a semi-disreputable(my opinion) man living with you. First, I think you need to have a private, calm conversation with your daughter.

I don't think this guy cares for you based on how he talks to you and treats you. He really seems to be a burden on you obtaining some happiness.

It is really dangerous to focus and overvalue people's looks... that may make you blind to character or lack of character of people in your life. You have to know how to read a man's character for self-preseveration and for your daughter.

Best wishes in the months to come. :)

Thanks for the responds.

I see two major problems here. One he is addicted to porn and two moving in together without the benefit or marriage. Especially with a 12 year old daughter. This is a major NONO In my opinion. Read the statistics on porn addiction and then decide if YOU want to put yourself and your daughter into this guys hands.

The Statistics Are Staggering:

* 66% of Internet-using men between the ages of 18-34 look at online porn at least once a month (1)
* 55% of pastors admitted to participating with porn online. (2)
* Over 40% of women on line are involved in problematic cyber behavior. (3)
* The largest consumer of Internet pornography is the 12 to 17 year old age group. (4)
* 70% of Internet porn traffic occurs during the 9 am to 5 pm workday. (5)
* Two out of three companies have disciplined employees for misusing the Net at work and pornography topped the list of abuses (6)


References:
(1) Psychology Today September/October 2005, pg.84 (source comSource).
(2) Survey conducted by Pastors.com April 23, 2002.
(3) Counselor June 2006, pg. 34 “Women and Sex Addiction” by Dr. Patrick J. Carnes .
(4) CBS News: The Passionate Eye –“O.com. Cybersex Addiction” Aired Monday Feb 7,2005 at 9 pm on CBC-TV.
(5) SexTracker. SexTracker Universe .
(6) Saratoga Institute, 1999. http//www.pwcservices.com
Remember,
Friends first
Marriage second
Then Sex

Move out. He's more in love with his fantasies than with you.

IMO, porn is fine if he's satisfying you and you communicate well... especially if you watch together.

But... around a 12yo girl? WARNING BELLS.

If you're trying to change him - you won't (only he can, once he WANTS to).

What works with my partner and me is taking turns. If I initiate sex and he says no, then within 72 hours it is his job to initiate. That goes for me too. Feeling like someone is always on your case, wanting sex, then make an initiation deal.

A relationship is 50/50 and you had better not be washing his clothes.

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rawsushi disagrees: Good answer.

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Do you need a tutorial on proper use of the ratings buttons?

Don't click "disagree" if you do agree.

Also, even when you don't agree with a post completely, AMHD prefers users save disagrees for factually incorrect posts. Differing opinions is what makes a public forum useful and rich in content.

Go around disagreeing with everyone and you'll find yourself on a lot of peoples ignore list. You almost are on mine.

I don't think sex is the problem, but lack of a willingness to work together to resolve your issues is. That and not communicating very well, has you both on different worlds, and despite this, you have moved in together. That's the worst thing you could do as you haven't even gotten together with a plan of how to move forward with your lives together. He has issues that prevent him from letting you in his world, and at this time needs to be by himself to solve his problems, or open up and let you help. There is no motivation for him to talk to you, nor change, nor be a better MAN! Tired from work or stressed is an excuse not to try, so he doesn't, and he is way overboard with the porn, and self love as it is causing a problem in his life, a frustrated YOU, and needs to wake up and make adjustments. I had to give up my XXX collection when the kids got older, and that's the bottom line on that, as you have a soon to be adolescent daughter to raise, and she doesn't need a live in stranger who likes his porn and self love, around in my opinion. So what do you say to him?? Talk or leave! His choice.

Honest to god--where the heck did the idea that he was a pedophile show up?

Just because a man is good with someone else's kids when he is in a relationship with a woman doesn't mean he's a pedophile.

Let's not jump to worst case scenarios without more information, please.

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Originally Posted by Synnen

Honest to god--where the heck did the idea that he was a pedophile show up?

Just because a man is good with someone else's kids when he is in a relationship with a woman doesn't mean he's a pedophile.

Let's not jump to worst case scenarios without more information, please.

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I agree with the above response. I AM NOT concerned about that angle. I AM hoping to get a man's opinion on how to ADDRESS this issue with him, in a way that will not humiliate or alienate him. I am interested in healthy communication and treating him with respect. I need advise on how to bring this up in a fashion that is not "pestering" him. He has not moved in yet... will be in the upcoming days... says that the porn will not be coming with him... (I live in the country, he lives a single "downtown" lifestyle... ) He views the move as a complete life / lifestyle change for the better. He's very focused on this commitment.

Ask him straight up, about his sexual availability. As a man honest and straight forward, is what gets my respect, but you must evaluate your own man individually. Only you know what makes him defensive. Just be nice about it. Let him know your willing to work and compromise to deal with the issues to benefit you both. Just curious why this wasn't brought up before?

Alarm bells are ringing for me. 12 yo in the house-he watches porn, you don't have sex... what other warnings do you need?

Big red flag for a mother to consider.

In the beginning of our relationship (6-9 months) he was cheating on me with a woman online (cam-sex),

1. So he has been true to you for six months.


He takes phone numbers (says it's his ego, just a "game"... or that I "pissed him off"... ).


2 He's true to you with the exceptions of taking phone numbers from lovely strangers which is just and ego trip or your fault. No fault of his just your fault for being a bad girlfriend or his egos fault. No reason for him to change.

If I initiate sex, he pushs me away and says "Later", but later never happens.

3.Shows no regards for your feelings once again and this is the honeymoon stage of a relationship... you're discussing moving him in with you and your daughter. Wonder what will happen when the honeymoon phase is over.

Photogirl If you were advising a close friend on this relationship what would you advise her to do?

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Ask him straight up, about his sexual availability. As a man honest and straight forward, is what gets my respect, but you must evaluate your own man individually. Only you know what makes him defensive. Just be nice about it. Let him know your willing to work and compromise to deal with the issues to benefit you both. Just curious why this wasn't brought up before?

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Our relationship has always been "long distance" so once a week was frustrating, but understandable. It has been bought up many times, but we are very compatible on other levels, so I guess, I pushed it under the carpet.

How long is this long distance stuff going to go on. At some point, to even have a chance, the distance has to be shortened. Weekend love afairs get old, and can't grow.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

How long is this long distance stuff going to go on. At some point, to even have a chance, the distance has to be shortened. Weekend love afairs get old, and can't grow.

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Long distance = 1 hr. commute, but with him working nights / weekends... we only saw each other once a week. I was unaware of the porn use... to that degree. As of June 1, we are moving in together, for this reason. ( I mean the distance... ). Well, we'll see if the issue clears itself with him living up here. I am hopeful. :-)

Thank you, everyone for your responses. June is here and he's moving in today. Hopefully this issue will clear itself.

* a note to those who are concerned for my daughter... no worries!