Ask Me Help Desk - Step Parenting

Hi,
I am a mother of 4 and am married for the second time. We have been married for 6 years 7 in November. We have already weathered a lot of storms with the children. My oldest is 18 almost 19 and he is out of the house living with my mom. He had a lot of issues and we had to make him move for the sake of the others (or should I have kicked out the husband?). This weekend was awful. My 15 year old (16 in May) is starting to be defiant. He is suddenly making decisions like going to his dads spending the night with friends etc without consulting us first and he is having tantrums whenever he doesn't get his way on everything. Saturday my husband and son got into it because my son was having one of his tantrums and my husband (after many other times of tantrums) had enough and went to my sons room to confront him. My husband got right up in my sons face and told him his behavior is unacceptable. I was standing right there and didn't say anything except STOP IT. Now my son thinks I care about my husband more than them (I told him I love all my children more than anyone in the world and to never think such things). My husband said he is tired of talking and wants me to take action before it's too late. I am sorry but this feels like Dajavu and I am tired too. My son said his step dad is too CONTROLLING. My husband tells me I am not handling things right and that I should DEMAND the kids RESPECT him. What can I do?? I am hurting and scared this marriage will END too and that I am going to lose all my kids because of my controlling husband. But this time not because I want it to END.

Hi,
You and your husband need to go together, to a Professional Marriage Counselor, before it's too late. They can give you some good advice, and probably have your son come in and talk with him also.
They can also suggest others to talk with. It's obvious that things are getting out of hand, and won't get any better; unless you and your husband take charge, with help of a counselor.

A Parenting class would also be helpful.

As a step-parent as well, I know it took me awhile to adjust to having an "instant" family. The teen years alone are difficult to deal with, adding an inexperienced step-parent to the mix makes it even more difficult.

I know it is difficult for you as well.

As long as each of you remains committed to being a family, and gets some help, you can work things out.

Quote:

Originally Posted by tboette

He had a lot of issues and we had to make him move for the sake of the others (or should I have kicked out the husband?).

How are we suppose to know? You did not tell us what kind of issues they were…medical? Behavioural?

And the reason you think you should have kicked your husband out? Is something the matter in your relationship with him?

Quote:

Originally Posted by tboette

This weekend was awful. My 15 year old (16 in May) is starting to be defiant. He is suddenly making decisions like going to his dads spending the night with friends etc without consulting us first and he is having tantrums whenever he doesn't get his way on everything

Sounds like a typical, rebel teenager. I know you don't want to hear that, but most teens rebel against their parents... it is only natural. He will grow out of it eventually.

Quote:

Originally Posted by tboette

My son said his step dad is too CONTROLLING. My husband tells me I am not handling things right and that I should DEMAND the kids RESPECT him.

He sounds a bit controlling. Why you ask?

He tells you that You should DEMAND that the kids REPSECT him. That's a bunch of phooey.

RESPECT is EARNED, not granted like a pay cheque. Should your kids respect him? Only if he is worthy of their respect. And that decision is theirs to make, not anyone else's.

That being said, they should still treat him with proper manners.

Quote:

Originally Posted by tboette

I am hurting and scared this marriage will END too and that I am going to lose all my kids because of my controlling husband. But this time not because I want it to END.

I am sorry to hear about all of your problems.

One option is to have your 15 yr old move in with his Dad.
Second, you say your husband is controlling, you seem to understand that fact and you seem to not like that. So, why are you still with him? Do you have any children that are fathered by this man?

You 2 (you and your husband) should try and seek some marriage therapy together.

Yes get into a parenting class, but also don't let the kids run your life.
Kids are gone in a few years, your husband should be there for the long run.

You back your husband and tell your kids that the way it is. And don't let them make any choices, heavens if my when my 18 was still a senoir was not home when he was suppose to be, he would not have a game boy, he would not have a TV or anything in his room for a week. You make them behave, if they want to pout or fuss alone, let them go, who cares, they will get over it.
They have to know the parents rule the house.

I myself am 17. I am married and out of the house on my own. I got cancer at a young age and was forced to grow up a lot faster. I also have a step dad. I also was a handful. I hated it when my step dad got to make decisions for me because he's not even my real parent. So I never respected him. My mom though... I loved her and respected her to a certain degree. The main reason I defied her was because she always stood up for my step dad even when he was I nthe wrong. My advice would be to sit down and talk (because counseling never helped my family it only made it worse and impersonal) tell your son that you understand its difficult for him and that if he wants to be treated like an adult he needs to act like one. Reward him too... if you say be home at 10pm and he makes it home then... then the next night he can stay out a little later. There's always comprimises. All I ever wanted was for my mom to stand up for me just once. She never did. So while we have a good relationship now I still have a knife in my heart because I feel she turned her back on me. And yes your husband will be there after your kids are out of the house.. your kids are you're own flesh and blood your husband should be adult enough to respect you for cherishing the fact your kids are even still alive. What if you sided with your husband and the next day your son died with hatered in his heart toward you because you didn't take the time to tell him that you love him unconditionally? I've seen it hit close to home. Plus at 16 the more you fight them the more likely they are to do the one thing you don't want them to just because you show that it bothers you so much. My mom just said go ahead. Do drugs, you're the one that's going to suffer. I Didn't WANT TO DO IT ANYMORE CUZ IT Didn't BOTHER HER ANYMORE!! Lol and tell your husband to talk to you first before yelling at or discipling your kid. All just my opinion but hopefully helped a little . Now you may understand it a little better from a teenagers veiw.

Quote:

Originally Posted by tboette

Hi,
I am a mother of 4 and am married for the second time. We have been married for 6 years 7 in November. We have already weathered a lot of storms with the children. My oldest is 18 almost 19 and he is out of the house living with my mom. He had a lot of issues and we had to make him move for the sake of the others (or should I have kicked out the husband?). This weekend was awful. My 15 year old (16 in May) is starting to be defiant. He is suddenly making decisions like going to his dads spending the night with friends etc without consulting us first and he is having tantrums whenever he doesn't get his way on everything. Saturday my husband and son got into it because my son was having one of his tantrums and my husband (after many other times of tantrums) had enough and went to my sons room to confront him. My husband got right up in my sons face and told him his behavior is unacceptable. I was standing right there and didn't say anything except STOP IT. Now my son thinks I care about my husband more than them (I told him I love all my children more than anyone in the world and to never think such things). My husband said he is tired of talking and wants me to take action before it's too late. I am sorry but this feels like Dajavu and I am tired too. My son said his step dad is too CONTROLLING. My husband tells me I am not handling things right and that I should DEMAND the kids RESPECT him. What can I do???? I am hurting and scared this marriage will END too and that I am going to lose all my kids because of my controlling husband. But this time not because I want it to END.

From personal experience I have had many problems with my step children. They are out of control and their father will not get them under control so I had to start "putting my foot down" they hated it at first but then they came to realize that I was not doing this to be mean to them I just wanted respect. They will grow to realize that you can't treat people like they are nothing. Right now heis 16 that is the main thing. You have an older son you know that teenagers rebel.