Have been friends with a married guy for over seven years now and am totally besotted! I have been with him maybe 7 times in all these years and he always runs away after and avoids me for months until I make contact or he does. I don't ask him why or put any pressure on him.. I always think he feels guilty. I had a conversation with him about five years ago and told him how I felt about him. He said I deserved to be with someone who could be there for me all the time and that he loved me as a friend and wanted the best for me. I married a guy eventually three years ago but have met up with the love of my life several times a year.. most times just for coffee and a chat. I absolutely adore this guy and can't seem to get over or away from him. Am I obsessesed or truly in love? My marriage isn't working and never will as long as Im in love with this guy. We text each other regularly and sometimes these leave no doubt as to how attracted tome he is, and then when we meet up its all platonic or he holds my hand and kisses me but doesn't say anything and seems quite upset. Can't bear to think of life without him and don't know how to move it on. Help please?

I don't think you just obsessed him for you have thought of him for these years and marriage doesn't stop you doing so.
Do you have kids with your husband? If you do or you are to, you should be responsible for your family. The guy might like you or obsesses you, but your husband is being here for you.
Sometimes being hard on self is not a bad thing, if it would make many people happy. He missed you who loved him so much. But another person discovered you and committed to you. Please be clear for your life. Don't miss someone as that guy did.
You are not alone in this world. You would become stronger finally.

I think growing up would be a good first step.
What on earth are you doing married if you're "in love or obsessed" with another man.
I'm sorry to be so harsh but you sound like you're 16.
You've been with him 7 times in all these years and that is compromising your marriage?
Did you marry your husband after seeing him 10 times in all your life?
I'm not even going to comment on that...
You need to realize how immature you are sounding and how infactuated you are by a dreamy idea of a man who you don't REALLY KNOW. Once you are in a relationship with a person - THINGS CHANGE.. It isn't as pretty and glittery as it is in our heads.
I'm appalled at the idea of you willing to risk your marriage for this teenage obsession.
Disgusting honestly.

Thanks for opinion. May I say I did work with this guy for 3 years and tried not to have a relationship other than friends. I thought I was able to move on and married although probably not a good decision I have tried to make it work and do feel terrible that I have not been able to get over my feelings for this guy. Perhaps you are right and I'm holding onto something that will destroy all future relationships as I am not able to get over how I feel and I was hoping for some advise on how to do that.

If nothing else--HE is married.

And he's made it clear through his actions that there's no way he's leaving his wife for you.

If you can't get over your non-platonic feelings, then you need to cut all contact with this guy.

You DO sound completely unrealistic when talking about him--much the way a teenager would talk about a crush.

Please focus on your current marriage/relationship and do what it takes to make THAT work.

diorcatt, In my opinion if you want to make your marriage work with this man. You will have to cut all ties with your married friend. Lose his number and change yours, stop texting and asking about him . It is obvious that after all of these years for wahtever reasons he is going to stay with his wife.

Love him from a distance, it will get easier. You may just find out that it is pride and not love. Sometimes women do not want to admit to defeat and let the other woman win. Even though if you get the prize what would you have but a cheater.

Cut off all contact, and go through the misery and pain, of getting past the dead end, obsessive, unhealthy love, you have for an unavailable man. Grow up, and realize that it takes 110% effort and focus, to make YOUR marriage work. If you can't do it, set the guy free to have a healthy loving caring relationship, with a healthy person.

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Originally Posted by diorcatt

Have been friends with a married guy for over seven years now and am totally besotted! I have been with him maybe 7 times in all these years and he always runs away after and avoids me for months until I make contact or he does. I dont ask him why or put any pressure on him..I always think he feels guilty. I had a conversation with him about five years ago and told him how I felt about him. he said I deserved to be with someone who could be there for me all the time and that he loved me as a friend and wanted the best for me. I married a guy eventually three years ago but have met up with the love of my life several times a year..most times just for coffee and a chat. I absolutely adore this guy and can't seem to get over or away from him. Am I obsessesed or truly in love?. My marriage isnt working and never will as long as Im in love with this guy. We text each other regularly and sometimes these leave no doubt as to how attracted tome he is, and then when we meet up its all platonic or he holds my hand and kisses me but doesnt say anything and seems quite upset. Can't bear to think of life without him and dont know how to move it on. Help please?

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Honey, there is no getting this guy. If he wanted to commit to a relationship he would have long ago. Hate to break your heart, but I've been through this! It doesn't turn out in your favor.

Everyone here is right. And so are you when you noted:

"Am I obsessesed or truly in love?. My marriage isnt working and never will as long as Im in love with this guy."

Yes, you're obsessed. No, your marriage will never work while some fantasy is getting your energies.

BTW, it's not this guy that's the problem nor your feelings for him. It's your lack of moral compass. When you're 15, feelings of "love" seem to control your universe. When you're an adult, your life isn't controlled by simplistic things like feelings, are they? You are supposed to have developed a sense of right and wrong and filter your actions through good sense and honesty.

Being married, you've sworn a blood oath to a man to give him your all. You're not even trying to live up to that oath. Stop giving yourself a free pass here, focus on the man who has blood-bonded to you, not some flirty memory guy in a text message. You're not 15, stop acting like you are.

You have some major success available to you right there in your real life, the man who is making you his life partner is worth you honoring your commitment and making it work. It's not a failure to be a committed loving wife who is mature enough to ignore inappropriate feelings she has for other men. That's a grownup's success.

O.k Think I got it! Thanks.

The issue here is both of you are married and if you are texting and seeing him, both of you are not trying to make your marriage work, You both need to either stop seeing the other or you need to divorce the other person. Both of you are being selfish of the feelings of the person you are married to.

He told you already the answer you seek. He said you could do better and you should seek someone who could be there for you at all times. I get the feeling he doesn't come around that much not because he's feeling guilty but rather he senses your obsession with him and he doesn't want you do something that will wreck his marriage... which is what he really values.